Being optimistic and fairly foolish I thought I might be able to manage a 1 minute video on this topic. I thought, forget everything going on. It’s a minute for chrissakes! I thought this would be a better format with which to make my point because half the story would be across my face but I couldn’t manage so y’all have to just remember what I look like and that I am real.
So on my daughter… she is in very bad shape. And I know people are curious and a few of them have written but I can tell you right now I am not going to talk about this except in the most general terms and I want to tell you why.
It is not because I am secretive. I could not possibly be secretive and post my private conversations – this makes no sense. But every single thing I post or put on this blog has this one thing in common: It is in service.
So if I tell this story will it serve anyone? No it won’t. It will not help my daughter and it most certainly won’t help me and I will explain why.
To tell a story you have live it or re-live it as you go. To tell a story is to give the thing energy too. It is like dwelling on something. And fact is this is a very bad story. It is a hideous, horrible story that will probably not end well and my family lives it on a daily basis.
So at the end of the day I dial a pal. Do you think I want to rehash events? I don’t. Matter of fact that is the last thing I want to do. I have just survived the day, see? So I don’t want to repeat it by talking about it. Am I stupid? I’m not. If you give me a break, I am going to take it.
Consequently people I have known for years and talk to nearly daily only a vague idea my problems and I have to say I am doing them a favor.
I am doing them a favor because I have the kind of problems, if you hear them you will be sick to your stomach. You will not feel good. You will like crap, you will feel pain, I can promise you that. So if you’re me you take one look at this and it’s not easy to figure out no one will be served by chatting so obviously I won’t be chatting. And if I have any doubts about this… well, I don’t. Because every now and then it becomes required I explain something to someone.
For example about a week ago I had to tell the soldier some stories that were not good. He knew they were there, but he knew the tip of the iceberg which is all I ever bother anyone with. But it became necessary I elaborate and I am telling you… it just makes a person sick. I have to apologize to people after I tell them my stories because this is just the kind of stories I have and I live.
And I don’t mind telling stories that are bad or nasty or intense (as long term readers can well attest) but I typically don’t go around hitting people with bricks for no reason. Who do you think that is going to come back on? This is Jupiter in Capricorn blog by the way.
I am responsible (Capricorn) for the stories (Jupiter) I tell. My stories (Jupiter) are real (Capricorn) and they become more real when I tell them so in this case… well this story is too real as it is. Make sense? I hope so.
I appreciate everyone’s thoughts and prayers and whatever else you’ve got but I guarantee you I won’t be talking about this until and unless I can see it will serve and at this point, that possibility seems remote.
This situation and my experience seems more along the lines of most of my experience – that is, it is to be had. I am to boil in the pot in the alchemical process and come up with the nugget which I will then offer to the collective.
How I got the nugget?
Well there is not much I can say about that. Does it really matter? What matters is I have the damned thing, at least this is what matters to me.
What matters to you?
Being another service oriented type, what matters to me is helping others feel a little better about themselves, even for the moment. Because sometimes all we have is a moment of reprieve. Be well and do what you need to do for yourself & your family. Blessings to you and yours . . . wish there was more I could do.
I have been reading you for what 6 year or 7 now and I know you deal with things differently than I. I am very glad you know how to cope and you are able to in your own way. What matters to me is keeping my head up and my smile on and my kids healthy no matter what goes on around. I do have my times of flopping but the good thing is I always seem to bounce back.
It’s funny that you mention the Jupiter in Capricorn in terms of story telling. I am new to astrology, a dabbler, so the nuances aren’t yet there for me, which is why I enjoy reading your website. I am a student and I have a professor who is fond of story telling. Today it just so happened that, in the course of class discussion, it came out that his son is bipolar. Rather than let it pass, someone brought up how their friend is bipolar, and somehow we got into this loop of how serious bipolar disorder is, and how difficult it is to live with or with someone who has it. This comment from the peanut gallery got the professor, a very kind, jovial fellow, into a space where couldn’t stop thinking about his son. We eventually learned that his son had some pretty serious problems, and that he and his whole family had been through a lot in light of this. It was a very awkward place for the professor to be – in the front of the class, suddenly disclosing something very personal and clearly very troubling to him, to be a father who wishes only well for his son but is at a loss as to what to do. Nothing seemed to get resolved at that moment – no one went home with happy feelings, we didn’t solve the problem with a little quip or comment and make it all better in an instant. But there is something to be said for not feeling alone. We’re all in this bitch together, eh? Story telling brings people together, whether the stories are happy or sad, whatever their content. They make us human. And who knows where light and love and insight might come from? (I’m not a Bible-thumper, but I offer the following:) Even Jesus had help carrying his cross…
I love you Elsa! What matters to me is that I love, that I am willing to accept what I’ve been given before I look for more.
c – that was a great story but for the record, I do have help. I have intense help from close friends which is the kind of help that actually helps (me). Basically to be descended upon while in crisis puts me in crisis. 🙂
My first priority is protect and care for my children and to be able to do that I have got to protect and care for myself.
Also, I don’t know if you read here often but I just wrote a series of blogs about being seen as a martyr and by God, here we go again!
I am not a martyr… to quote Jessica Rabbit, “I am just drawn this way,” and I am sure I am fine the way I am.
To quote my friend Ben, “This is a big world and surely there is enough room for a person like me.”
too true. rock on lady
being what i need to be/doing what i need to do.
in the sense of “soul’s code” etc.
some stories, told too often, can override your life. i’ve seen it/felt it/done it. attention is a powerful thing.
best to have some serenity in our lives.
I’m sorry, Elsa. Hang in there! We love you.
Elsa – I hope you get what you need for your daughter to be well again. Peace and love to your family!!
On a lighter note, I watched the movie ‘Chocolat’ last night. The main character is Vianne, who I named my daughter after when I first saw the movie when I was pregnant in 2002. [Lilith (Lily) Vianne] She TOTALLY reminds me of you! The actress’s name is Juliette Binoche. She must be French, her name sounds like it. You might be her Italian sister from another mister!! Ha Ha!
I knew you reminded me of someone when I first saw your blog, now I figured it out!!
Rhonda – thank you. You are about the 15th person to tell me that and it’s very flattering.
The other gal (whole different energy) I get pegged as all the time is the gal in “Like Water For Chocolate”…
and then Appolonia, of course. I have heard about her all my life too.
It’s so strange to get told you look like people.
I’ve never seen “Like Water for Chocolate” but I see the Appolonia thing. What’s with the Chocolate theme here??
This summer at Elich’s Gardens a lady told me that she thought I was Sandra Bullock and she came over to me to get a closer look. I was wearing a hat and sunglasses and she said she thought I was trying to disguise myself! That was weird!
My best friend says I look like Faith Hill with brown hair. I don’t see any of that, but my self image is distorted anyway through all the water in Pisces in my first house!!
Matters most? Loving and living with full awareness each day I am blessed to be alive.
Pluto taught me that. He is quite involved in my natal chart, and has also left little unmolested with his transits this lifetime.
Funny, once I finally learned how to love fully yet let go too, he quit taking things away from me. Literally and figuratively. Now when he comes along (as he is right now, *again*!), it means important transformation instead of just some kind of heart-breaking loss. I’m thinking that was what he’s been trying to teach all along…
Integrity matters to me. I gave up a lot of mine when I was younger, in my early 20’s. I know a lot of that was born of pain, but I didn’t handle it well. I have fought like the dickens to become a person that is honest and trustworthy and kind. You, over the last 6 years have shown me that value in that, and set a wonderful example. I also totally get the being descended upon thing, you don’t want to waste energy telling people not to feel bad about this bad thing when you should be protecting and loving the people closet to you. Sending many prayers for you and your precious family.
“So if I tell this story will it serve anyone?”
Perhaps you and your daughter? This is the feeling that I keep getting. I’ve only been on this site for a year or so now and know that your daughter is not cured of what ails her.
I am myself going through a serious health crisis and have spent the last year pushing everyone away from me since learning the prognosis of this illness (even close family) in order to save them this horror that I am experiencing.
It’s not working and what is worse is that they stick by me silently …not knowing what to do for me. This year I decided to reach out to others for a different perspective and possibly someone who knew what it was that I had and could point me in the right direction for help.(No help from the Medical Community at all. It is the blind leading the blind.)
It was many, many hours of research and reaching out that led me to a possible remedy if not a cure.
Maybe, just maybe there is someone in your audience, Elsa, that is or has experienced the very same thing your daughter is going through and maybe, just maybe they can help.
You do a great service to all why shouldn’t your audience do the same for you and if you share her story, your story, is that not a gift in itself? Could that not also be a reason why you are in the position to counsel and serve?
I promise you I will not feel as if you just tossed a brick at my head or that you unburdened yourself at my expense. I mean we do know half the story…right? I have not seen evidence of fragile minds or hearts on this site!
Everday people pull up to your “kitchen table”, Elsa, with their coffee in hand and hearts wide open ready to absorb your wisdom….and your life. I’m finding it very difficult to chat about inconsequential topics when you and your family are in crisis. It just seems bizzare. You see, Elsa, ever since you mentioned your daughter’s health crisis I have worried if there was something that I or anyone else could do to help. (Mars in Leo/Pluto conjuct Uranus in Virgo).
Maybe someone out there knows something that could possibly help your daughter?
I respect your decision to share only as much as you are comfortable with and hope that I have not over stepped a boundary.
As to what matters most to me? That balance in all things is sought and secured for the benefit of all.
jamie – please re-read what I wrote. It is HARMFUL to me to talk about this and does not do my daughter a whit of good. Matter of fact it may be to her detriment as well and I am sure as hell not going to test this theory.
Please. Re-read what I wrote because it is all there in plain English. I don’t know why people can’t hear me but I do know I can’t make it any plainer.
Ah, I see now, Elsa. I understand totally now. I apologize for not getting the picture to begin with. I do NOT want to cause you or anyone else harm.
I wish all the loving energy that you give to the collective to come back to you and yours one thousand fold.
Though we cant share your pain (though many of us i’m sure can feel it thru your writing), please know that you have a worldwide audience that is wishing you and your family much love, health & happiness. Know you have bundles of two of them anyway and just hope that the 3rd comes thru particularly for your delightful daughter. I understand Jamie’s meaning when he/she says they wish we could help (esp those of us with virgo!)and the feeling of discomfort when the realisation of the pain behind the smile becomes so apparent. Noone likes to see anyone in so much pain be it emotional, physical whatever, esp one who fights so damned hard to keep smiling thru it and makes us smile too. When i was in hosp recently, the woman opp me had cancer but despite her feelings of sickness and obv discomfort, she had a big grin on her face and laughed & joked with us all. Very humbling and i sure hope that spirit helps her battle thru her illness as i hope your family spirit will help you all thru your troubles. Keep smiling Elsa P and even if we cant always hear you (or maybe dont want to at times) know that silent prayers are with you always.
I understand Elsa.
There’s another side to it that says that when we tell a story, we reconstruct what we lived and give it a new meaning. That’s why therapy is called the “talking cure” – but I dont think this is the case, as everything is very present at the moment, things aren’t distanced, they haven’t passed it. So I completely understand your need for a break on this.
Off-topic: suddenly two GOATS have appeared in a place in front of my house. I live in a city, not on the countryside. If this isn’t Jupiter and Pluto in Capricorn, I don’t know what it is!
I dunno. I feel as if you DO tell your story and your daughter’s story.
You just did in this post. AND you told us something useful too. How to transcend difficulty.
Hrrmmmmm. Your story sets a wonderful example. If only more people could see that the above post was/is your story of transcendence.
I hope you can continue to transcend and maybe a bit more healing will come to you and your family.
🙂
Oh, Elsa…
Just all my best thoughts for you and your daughter.
Much, much love.
mudlike – yes. This blog is a service. It meets my criteria.
The other day I told another astrologer, “I know what I am doing even if most people do not.”
“I know what I am doing even if most people do not.”
🙂
Capricorn mantra.
P.S. Just in case that sounded flippant — it wasn’t intended to be. I simply don’t want to say anything about what I consider your extraordinarily tough private business, except that my heart aches for you.
It’s odd how people process – for me, the nugget comes out when I verbally and mentally hash and rehash and rehash the situation (and my wonderful Libra-Scorpio guy helps a bunch, too. Pretty insightful he is). Your nugget comes from being in the shit and living it without excessive verbalization. Life is weird…
But I loves you for you. 🙂 You’re always much in my thoughts, even when I’m not on the blog often.
It is not because I am secretive. I could not possibly be secretive and post my private conversations – this makes no sense.
Secretive is no bad thing. People are allowed to have their privacy – that is their right. I don’t know if it is the Neptune thing – but you are very elusive which is just a Neptunian way of being secretive 😉
I’m fairly used to elusive people – I live with a very elusive husband – and it’s not a bad thing. Being elusive doesn’t mean you are untrustworthy – simply that there are lots of things you’d prefer not to think about or reveal. Again, this is fine and totally your right.
See when I read your blog, I’m seeing the elusive thing all the time because I rarely see the ‘core’ of the thing. (E.g. I could write on my blog version A of events – ‘someone from my past wrote to me unexpectedly’ but what I’m omitting is ‘he was my ex-boyfriend whom I am very fond of and who told me after he got married that he hadn’t expected I would be the love of his life’). So the real story (the ‘core’) is going untold.
(I’m not saying that people should tell every ‘real’ story, just that it makes it more interesting for those of us like me who are tuned into those frequencies). I’ve been learning to live with elusivity thanks to my husband and to decode that ‘we had a tense day at work today’ is shorthand for ‘I was really frightened that our whole department was going to get axed and that we’d end up destitute’.
As a therapist I’m always listening out for untold stories – it’s like being a tracker of invisible things – listening out for the absences and that’s why I’m so tuned into this (whether I’m seeing a real thing here or a fabrication, because you’re Neptunian after all). So whether that’s your intent or not, people who think you’re secretive are probably seeing the absences, the loose ends – and people who think you are open have some way to make different connections.
But every single thing I post or put on this blog has this one thing in common: It is in service.
So if I tell this story will it serve anyone? No it won’t. It will not help my daughter and it most certainly won’t help me and I will explain why.
Obviously the needs of yourself and your daughter are the priority. If it’s harmful for you to talk about it then don’t. It’s a wonderful thing you’re protecting yourself and your children.
However, the reason I wanted to comment is that it’s not true that it doesn’t serve anybody, because it’s a training course for people like me.
I’ve been working in various capacities to support victims of trauma for ten years and it’s the most humbling and fulfilling work I have ever done.
It’s difficult to be sure, but the reason I feel so honoured to be part of it is written all over my chart and contained in a Cancer Sun and Scorpio Moon. I can show my desire to nurture and care by accompanying people on a dark journey and holding for them pieces of horrifying things they give me.
My skill is in being able to be fully present with that person and feel termendous sorrow and anger that they were raped and forced to marry their rapist, or that they watched their children being killed or that they were sold as a sex slave and so on without getting freaked out, without crumbling and without finding the whole thing unberable. I can hold the trauma of those people without going to pieces, and the reason I can do this is 1) I was built for this 2) each person whose story I hear teaches me more about how. As I see it, it’s a reciprocal service. I serve them because they need help and I am served because I learn more about how to be of service in dark places and I feel genuinely humbled and honoured at having been trusted with the vulnerability and the information and permitted to be a part of that.
Now, obviously what serves me is inconsequential when compared to what serves you and your child. Nor should you bring out what is core and true and personal to you unless you want to and feel that it would be helpful to have someone hear and bear witness to those aspects of your life and to share the knowing with you. So I’m not commenting to say that I feel cheated or short-changed by what you choose not to reveal, but simply to address the belief that no one is served by it because the ones like me out there are formed by stuff like this. We take it in, we process it and then we use that knowledge to improve our ability to be witnesses and guides in the dark places.
I don’t know how clear I am being. Sometimes it’s difficult to articulate things from inside of my head.
“Horton: I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. An elephant’s faithful one-hundred percent. ”
Thank you, Cherie. So true and so rare people understand this probably because Horton himself is an anomaly.
The only time I say something I don’t mean is when I am madder than fuck and the only person on this planet that can get me madder than fuck is the soldier.
the reason Horton had to keep saying it was cos no one ever BELIEVED him. they only believed him when the outside evidence became overwhelming.
satori – thanks for filling in, I surely can relate. 🙁
Cherie… thanks a million, gabillion, you are a rare bird. :-);-)
Help means different things to people, it can be a smile, a hug or silence. As a mother what helps me is to know I gave the day my best shot for my children and they know it was done with love, and if it doesn’t turn out the way I wanted, there is hopefully a tomorrow.