Dear Elsa,
Two weeks ago, I found out my husband has been cheating on me. We have great sex, he is my best friend and I always tell him everything. We have been married for 12 years, have 2 children and we both dedicate everything to them and to ourselves at night. But I can’t seem to cope with this.
The shock is that he has had sex with several people, not one in particular, different ones. He travels extensively and I found out he contacts these women via e-mail to have sex every time he travels. He also chats with 18 year olds. I am scared.
I confronted him and he says that all men do it and it’s natural, but that it means nothing. It’s just sex! We are still together but now living in a freezer home. He has left me with my mouth wide open and I can’t seem to comprehend it. I thought I gave him everything: the foreplay, the play of wearing costumes??
The worst is that I can’t talk to him. I just don’t know what to say and I am not sure if he is willing to let his cheating go either. I am a very sentimental person, I cry easily and that is why I can’t talk to him, my words do not come out as strong as I would like them and I let my sentimental feelings take charge and do not know how to be firm and strong.
What did I do wrong? What is this?? I’ve been reading books on cheating husbands but I can’t seem to find the answer for several cheatings and not one in particular. I truly thought I married the perfect man especially since he is 9 years older than me. I thought him being older made him mature enough not to play games with a marriage. He is currently 46 years old.
Can you explain any of this? What am I dealing with? I thought I was a very strong person and I guess he has made me into this helpless child?
Sincerely,
Helpless
Dear Helpless,
You may be in momentary shock… this would certainly be understandable but you are not helpless. In fact your chart is strongly Cardinal (commanding) and I have no doubt you will ultimately assimilate this information, decide what you’re going to do and then execute as if a general in the army.
So just know that. Know you’re in there somewhere and you’ll be back. And what I’ll do is parse this situation for you, feeling confident you’ll find your way once you have the information ordered.
Now regarding your husband, obviously he is a liar and a very good liar at that. He has Neptune square his Sun (and his Moon) and he successfully obscured the reality of who he is. And you should probably brace for more information to come to light, because this is usually what happens in a situation like this.
As to what is driving him, I can’t say for sure. But he has a Leo Moon and he clearly needs SCADS of attention. Because he sounds like he gets a good deal at home, yet it’s no where near enough. And based on this, I would say there is something pathological about his behavior. He’s driven, you could say.
You could probably compare this to a drug addict or a drunk. A drunk drinks and in the throes of their addiction tries to convince others that ‘everybody does it…” Everybody gets falling down drunk. Everybody cheats. Which is erroneous of course.
So here’s the thing. You really are a competent person to the extreme. And I think you’d be well advised not to allow him to drag you into his skewed perception of reality, which he is clearly trying to do. And I’ll give you a hard core example of this for reference.
Last week I saw five minutes of the Oprah Winfrey show on NAMBLA (North American Man Boy Love Association) which is all I could stomach. These men who want to have sex with boys have a club. And they actually believe that 8 and 9 and 10 year old boys are out there, just dying to have sex with them… a bunch of pot-bellied pimply pig men in their 50’s, if only parents and the government weren’t so damned oppressive. And they meet with each other and reinforce this freakishly distorted reality.
And you get the idea. Don’t let your husband sell you a NAMBLA type reality. Fact is, what he is doing is wrong and I expect he will need copious amounts of help to stop. This is assuming he wants to stop, which it does not seem to be the case. I’m sorry.
To answer your question specifically, you did nothing wrong and as for my advice… if it were me, I would be looking for the door and once I found it, I’d be through it just as swiftly as possible. And don’t worry about your ability to replace him either, because women who treat men the way you do are always in demand.
Good luck.
Great advice Elsa, as usual. I just want to add that Helpless needs to see a doctor right now. If the husband has been cheating that much, she needs to find out for certain she’s healthy.
Abso-fucking-lutely. The scoundrel. Wow, a lot of the Leo men that show up on this blog are really out of control, huh?
Helpless,
You aren’t helpless. You’ve been knocked sideways by a person you love. I offer my condolences. Elsa has given you some spot-on advice. It’s true that a lot of people cheat and that some partners can overcome infidelity, but that never happens if there is no HONESTY. There is no offer of his motives, either, other than it is “natural.” To be utterly shameless about trampling your partner’s dignity is not natural unless you are lacking in some fundamental quality…like, oh, I don’t know: HONESTY? In the past I have done therapy centred around establishing a sense of self. One of the exercises I did was repeating my name out loud, over and over. Sounds bizarro, but maybe this little mantra repeat will help you as you attempt assert your voice.
Christine, Christine, Christine
Its not your fault its his.. hang in there ive been there its hell.But you will end up better off leaving him his mentality is hey whats wrong with cheating?He is messing with your mind dont allow it!!Be strong!!!
I’ve been there too. It’s the lying, blatant hurtful lying that really destroys. And there’s all the good stuff that comes a few years (or less for some people, bless ya) down the road when you are so in touch with who you REALLY ARE after all this shit and you rediscover your own complete POWER after either getting him out of your space or working it out.
I went back to my husband after leaving him for two years. But there’s always doubt, so the next challenge after the mourning/pining and blaming (if you do this, you might be stronger) is to get past even caring what he does because it has nothing to do with you. And that’s really damned hard. But it’s cool when it starts to happen. I don’t know if this makes sense. But the entire life episode is forcing me in a direction I don’t want to go, but I really NEED to go.
All my best to you, it hurts hurts hurts but it doesn’t have to for long. YOU get to rebuild your own self, HE is generally stuck with what he is.
I forgot to say, Elsa is so right on and the comparison with NAMBLA, that sickening shitty group of self-indulgent…enough…is perfect. Don’t get sucked into that world of distortion– that’s so clear, she’s so right.
Let the fucker go!! You’re too good for him. Is this the kind of man you want as an example for your children? I know, easier said than done, but move on, once a cheater, always a cheater.
I just want to say I am sorry to hear of your situation, it truly is a jaw dropper. I wish you much strength and hope that Elsa’s thoughts will help guide you thru this tough time.
Amen Elsa!!!
😀
I marvel at some of you guys saying “let the fucker go.” She has been in a relationship for years that seemed happy, with kids who probably like their father. Elsa means look for the door which can take a bitch of a long time with the kids to factor in. I don’t know if it’s good advice to a woman who might be Cardinal but is pretty torn. It seems like a lot of women who write on this blog go through relatively weird addictive cycles with men (dating married men…)that Elsa exposes for what they are (like the part that they are actually taking in the relationship) but as addicts to a crappy situation, it is doubtful that they can get out on their own volition. As well as the fact that a bunch of things are hanging in the balance. So I don’t know if you guys, a lot of whom seem to have gone through crappy relationships, giving your “you go girl” support are being completely sensitive to her. But I mean, I don’t know what I could say either. I just always wonder to what extent the woman takes Elsa’s advice/hope she gives feedback.
I think when you’ve ‘been there’, in a situation such as adultery, but it is over– you look back and think, “I can’t believe I put up with that much shit”. And you wish you could help the person writing not put up with the same situation. But of course we can’t! She has to go through it in her own way. On a personal level I always feel really supported when I hear other women have gone through the same thing I am going through and survived. Just this alone supports me. It might not be logical or even intelligent, but it helps!
Ive been through the hell as well divoced thought i was dying. Ended up meeting someone a few years later he is wonder ful.Some times we have to go through hell and then years later understand why because god had someone different out there for you!
That’s a horrible, horrible post. “The worst bit is not being able to talk to him”, damn right!
What do you do when the person you thought would always be your partner in life, love and crime does THAT to you?
Well, I would hope that I would have the strength to leave. Because my parents stayed together and it’s still bitter and hellish alot of the time 9 yrs down the track.
I left my husband immediately when I found out what was going on with his “friend”… That was very painful period in my life. I knew I could never forget cheating so I had to leave, even tho it broke my heart. Read great book about these topics, it helped me a lot to deal with anger and frustration…. Take a look if you are dealing with similar issues (it is in pdf format):
Once I had a “partner” and in the morning after a nice sexy romantic night, I found a condom on the floor — and we didn’t use condoms. We had been tested and supposedly were having an exclusive relationship. I saw the crusty ole, dinky ole condom on the floor by his bed and my first thought was “he did not have sex with another woman” as if I needed to say the lie for him.
Now, this guy was also Sun square Neptune pooper, so I took THAT condom in MY hand, because I knew I had to TOUCH IT to be able to get the information sorted out quick in my brain and soul and body. Yeah, so with this creepy, drapey yellowish thing in my closed fist, I asked him “Have you been having sex with anyone else?” He sweetly, lovingly and convincingly said “No-o-o-o” and then I held up Mr. Saggy Condom and asked “Well, whats this?” and he said “OH!– oh that, yeah, that, oh it’s from a long time ago.”
And do you know what? We had been together for two years then why hadn’t that condom also been there for two years, but you know what’s worse I BELIEVED HIM if though I knew he was lying. It’s that Sun-Neptune thing where there is just a spell in the air and that’s it. I held a stale condom in my hand and and part of me tried to believe it was a red rose just for me.
WELL, it took me 4 weeks to find the door, but I did find it and I got out, but the truth is, it took me one whole year still to fall out of love with him, dern it. He is the one I mentioned recently, that he called me to tell me I could check out his new bachelor pad and you know what? I never will. Domino, baby, take it out.
Gad Deirdre, Neptune is a crazy drug, isn’t it??
this story is really scary! the husband kept it secret for 12 years that he was having sex with multiple partners? age doesn’t ever mean they are “mature” in that way. I think it’s upbringing. some men are mature at 18 and some are childish at 88 years old. my husband has those squares to his personal planets and he doesn’t do that. my first husband also had moon leo and he did though. but couldn’t keep it secret for more than a few months, he actually felt guilty. knew it wasn’t right. the OP’s husband doesn’t sound like he was remorseful or cared.