Dear Elsa,
My husband is a Pisces. Lately he has been withdrawn. We talked and he said he is “through”. He is very tired and unhappy.
He told me he is thinking of moving out for a couple of months, but that he does not want a divorce and it does not mean he doesn’t love me anymore. He says because he works for two weeks straight, 12 hour shifts and only gets a day off, he does not have enough sleep. He gets off at 2-3:00 in the morning, then I go to work and he has to take care of our two toddlers, then our older two kids come home later. He said that on top of work and the family, that I demand too much from him.
We used to have sex everyday and it was a little disturbing to me when it dropped off. I thought maybe he was having an affair. He says no, he is just tired. Yet he likes to play little mind games to. He says he is not, and then asks me what if he did. I asked him why he plays those games; he just shrugged and asked me if I forgot out conversation (about him being tired).
I love my husband very much. We used to be very close. Do you think he is just tired? Lately we have been intimate again, but its not very intimate. He does not want to kiss, but he does kiss me when he goes to work and when I leave for work.
What do you think I should do? At this point I doubt he is moving out, I have been keeping the house cleaner than I normally do and he did seem a little happier lately. But then last night the no kissing and stupid, “What if I did [play games]?” got me worried again. Do you think I should just pull back and give him his space? I just need to know if we can be ok again.
Wife
Germany
Dear Wife,
I tend to think you should believe what people tell you until and unless there is some evidence to the contrary. So based on this, I don’t think he is having an affair and yes, I think you can be okay again. But you are going to have to take your husband very, very seriously.
Now I was exhausted just reading about your husband’s life, which is another reason I doubt he’s having an affair. Like when would he have it? He will probably not move out for the same reason. There is no time or energy available not only to manage to move but to deal with the kids and everything else. But don’t let this reassure you! You don’t want a man to stay because he can’t leave! You want him to stay because he loves you and feels supported by you… so this is how you heal this. By delivering what he needs and is in fact begging for.
Because no kidding… it sounds like he’s dying to me. He is literally having the life squeezed out of him and if were you, I would forget about the phantom affair and the mind games, because you know what? It doesn’t sound as if he is malicious. It sounds as if he is punchy – as in delirious from being overtaxed. So cleaning the house is good. Keep that up and look for other ways you can quietly makes things less stressful from him. Because this time you’re spending worried about the affair could be spent tending to your husband. And the sex?
Well listen to what he’s telling you. The man is TIRED. He cannot, does not want to perform every day… at least not in the short term. So there’s a plan for you. Stop worrying, stop pressuring and look for subtle ways you can show how much you love and appreciate him. I think this will go a long way towards turning your marriage around.
Good luck.
Word. Pisceans need plenty of time alone to unwind and discharge everyone’s energies that get “stuck” to them through the day. And it sounds as if he hasn’t had any time to be alone in a long while.
What the heck is going on here? Why would a human being have to work two weeks straight, 12 hour shifts? Sure 4 kids is a big family, but I notice you’re from Germany and last time I checked there were labour laws in place to protect humans from being worked to death.
Are you hugely in debt? Is this to maintain a certain lifestyle? If so…well, I dunno. I feel tired for this poor being.
Good point. Why is he working so hard? It might be that he’s an immigrant. Immigrants often have to work ultra-ultra hard. It sounds like he’s a good husband, Cancer woman, he works so hard plus he helps you with the kids. I feel a little sorry that he’s trying so hard and here you are, thinking that he’s having an affair. Sounds like he can’t catch a break.
I’m not down with his stupid mind games and what if questions. I kind of feel he does it to push her buttons (insecurity?) and it’s just plain wrong. I think he sounds like a jerk, personally.
I was born in Germany but live in the States now with my husband. His stupid job was low staffed. I found some text messages from a female coworker. He claims they are just text messages and mean nothing. She gave him a card that said she knws there is a large age difference (10 Years) between them and probably nothing will happen, but she is willing to stick arounds and see. A few weeks later I found the text messages from her and him. She saying he could have sex whenever he wanted from his wifey while she has to wait there were some others. He said he wanted to be with her and for her not to return to California. Anyway he initially claimed we were through then claimed he had no idea what I was talking about since he erased everything. He has not moved out either. He has been more intimate with me lately. He told me “its not that you are not perfect, I just want to try something new.” I think all the stress he is under is making him into a jerk. At the same time he claims he does not want to hurt me. I am not interested in a divorce. I want to work this out with my husband. Does anyone have any advice? He has been off more lately. When he mentioned wanting to try something new he also mentioned some things he wanted to do with me, however I cannot make those steps while feeling he is having an affair and not close to him. He still insists he has “not touched that girl, why are you letting her get to you? you never cared when other girls hit on me why now?”
Also my husband is American, I am only half German *army brat.
I have some advice: Please help your husband find time to get counselling. ASAP. For him alone, for you alone, for you together. Life is short, and should not be spent working working working.
For one, it will shorten your life expectancy. For another, it will make you ill.
I understand ‘short-staffed.’ I also understand that this is a ploy some employers use to expoit their workers (insert socialist-inspired rant here).
Personally, it seems like the stress is pushing him off into la-la land. He needs to work less, for his sanity and health and well-being, and the longevity of your marriage. And if you have 4 kids, they NEED to be with him and see him too.
Don’t give up. Re-prioritize. It’s not about this other woman (about this he’s likely to be right). It’s about your survival. His, survival, and your kids happiness.
Kashmiri, Thankyou for your reply. I think you are right I am begining to see this too. He mentioned to me again that there is just sooo much going on in his life right now. I have been making sure he takes days off and relaxes more. Last week he talked to me a lot. Not so much this week but we had a little fall out this past weekend. However, I think we made a bit of progress afterwards when I told him we needed to talk. I think he is not as defensive as he was. I am learning to not be as pathetic also. We had such a deep connection. He also told me that they have hired more people so he will be able to take more days off in the summer and upcomming months. Thank goodness. I need to make sure not to bring up that stupid coworker anymore also. He asked me why am I letting her get to me. I have been reading some websites about rebuilding marriages and such and a key tip is not to mention that stuff. Its true I need to concentrate on us and me. I need to be strong for me, my kids and him.