Who Fault Is It When You Can’t Solve A Problem?

fishingWe all have problems and/or things we have to come to terms with. Some people are more successful at doing this than others. I’ve been watching this and thinking about it a lot lately, because it’s personal to me.  I don’t want to be in endless pain over something, I can’t resolve. I want to get beyond the block. I’ll give you some examples of what I’m talking about.

I once had a client, he’d looked for the same job in the same place, the same way, for two years. His was wife was ready to leave him.

“If you were fishing in a certain spot for a certain fish, and you had not caught one even one fish, would it not occur to you to find another lake? Or different bait? Or something?” I asked. I wasn’t being rude, I was curious. I could hardly believe this at the time.  But now I see it’s very common. I’m not sure exactly what the root of this would be for each individual, but stubbornness is probably part of it. Denial? Not paying attention?

I think most people really DO want to solve their problems. I don’t think that many people know how.

Assigning blame to some outside force is another thing that hinders people. For example, women who can’t find a partner will say that there are no good men. If you believe this, you’re talking about billions of people you’ve never met.  And if men are that bad, who wants one anyway? But they do want a man and I wonder if they might get one, if they were to forget about the lack outside themselves and consider how they wound up alone at this point in time. What choices did they make that that led them to this point in their life?

Also, what about you method? If you could find a viable partner, dating online, ten years ago, is it still true today? Maybe not.  Maybe times have changed. Actually, times have changed and so have you.

What I’m finding is that in most cases, you’ve got to take a hit. I lost X or I lost Y or I can’t have Z and now what?  This allows me to look ahead.  And if I ever get X or Y or Z back (not likely), the intersection would occur in the future, so I may as well head there.

Continuing to fish the same pond equates to hanging on to that which has died.  Er…Step Away From The Corpse.

Also, the “hit” you take can come in many forms.

Do you have a problem you can’t solve or a pain you can’t move beyond? What might you do to change your situation?

Since writing this, I held a workshop to help people with this – How To Use Astrology To Solve Problems & Get What You Want.

20 thoughts on “Who Fault Is It When You Can’t Solve A Problem?”

  1. It’s like continually going to a dry well for a drink and crying because the well is dry when you knew when you went there is was dry. Another common saying is don’t go to the hardware store for milk. It’s a fixed mentality i have found with people in my life most often the person is afraid to explore new options. They can’t see the path so stepping forward in to darkness is too terrifying so they stick to what they know even if what they know is not working I have also recently discovered an alarming number of people seem to have convinced themselves that complaining about a matter is doing something about it. The more they complain the unhappier they become and they still haven’t actually done anything about whatever they are complaining about. Continual complaining is a bad habit that breeds more discontent. It will be interesting to see if this fixed menality eases as we move into more mutable climate.

    1. Yup. I admit I’m one of those people. Well, I’ll put it this way: I do look for jobs outside of my organization, but good lord, those jobs are incredibly sad and the offerings are paltry both in pay and permanency (I saw a job for “part time archaeologist” once. REALLY?!). But I won’t look for jobs outside of my area because I can’t deal with moving, and jobs prefer to find someone already in their area anyway because they won’t deal with waiting or moving costs.

      And yeah, I can’t see any path, I can’t just stroll around in the darkness and fall off a cliff, eh?

      Another issue that wasn’t brought up is that sometimes you need to have the right and proper help from other people in order to take those leaps, make those changes, etc. There are some (like driving) that I frankly could not get done all on my own or with the help of anyone in my life at the time for a very long time, until the right person came along. Sometimes if you just literally do not have the right help (as opposed to someone who’s willing but unable, or someone who will help but give you shit along the way, or someone who discourages as often as they encourage, or has no expertise in what you need), you aren’t gonna get anywhere. If it all boils down to “I have to save myself all by myself or I’m gonna drown,” then I drown.

  2. Yes to taking the hit, or at least acknowledging that what is, is, and going from there, not from where you want to be.

    I think sometimes people might not move on from something because there is a certain comfort in the certainty. I will keep trying to get this job even I know I won’t get it because I don’t really want it. And this way nobody can say I wasn’t trying. I hang on to the pain of the past because I’m used to being in pain and wallowing in it keeps me connected to the person/people who hurt me. It’s like hanging on to a boulder in the middle of the ocean and feeling safe, when if you just let go of it and swam, there’s like a beautiful beach 100 yards away.

    1. Or you can let go of the boulder in the ocean and drown (as originally feared lol). All it takes is an undertow and that 100 yard swim to the nearest beach is your last one 🙂 haha I think with job searches you can easily waste time and resources getting to all the different interviews so taking a job you don’t like is more about the fact it starts sooner. Sometimes bills need to be paid pronto. Plus the job market is pretty ruthless right now. They pigeon hole you, by both your skill set and wage, so you’re not really allowed to venture outside of what you did before. Like you don’t even get considered for the interview unless your skill set is an exact match for the job posting. You can try to branch out into a related field but most companies would rather not have to train you. Just sayin…there’s usually reasons for what appears to be stubborn.

      1. Yes, I am running into that exact skill set thing all the time. I have a job interview tomorrow in a field I used to work in (and I have the most expertise in said field in my entire office), except HR showed me their REAL list of requirements a few days before the interview and now all I can think is that I’m not perfect enough and they won’t give it to me.

        1. The real list probably had the word “subservient” somewhere in there. Nowadays you can’t be overqualified for a position because they fear you’ll leave once you realize you are worth more to someone else. For what it’s worth, I hope you get it. Nothing worse than wasting precious time on applying for work, and attending multiple interviews appointments, while bills are piling up…

        2. Avatar
          Warped by Wuthering Heights

          Just do your best, you’re probably closer to perfect than any other applicant they have. Good luck!

  3. Avatar
    Warped by Wuthering Heights

    I’ve tried and tried to replace or recreate what I foolishly lost to no avail because it’s impossible. Self-blame there. I’ve had decent options within my grasp that could’ve worked well with a little more effort, investment, faith, but I let them go. More self-blame. I need to find an alternative that excites or appeals so much that it makes me forget what I lost and forgive myself, but to do that I need to be wholly present in the moment. Pull aside the dark veil of the past and gaze at all new options with the fresh eyes of a child to see what really shines.

  4. I think it’s more about bad experiences experimenting with other alternatives combined with the promise that the longed-for scenario might/could/hopefully materialize. Sure, it’s a pipe dream, but the alternative options are probably so dismal that the illusion of returned love (knowing full well it’s a phantom hand grasping at ephemeral clouds) is still more appealing. Life can suck so bad that you knowingly keep what you know is gone and never will be. Hence the epidemic of drug use and insanity. I personally think insanity stems from refusing to accept what is there. Like reality is so horrific your mind would rather break than have to live it. Either insanity or suicide. But delusion is much sweeter because at the very least you have something to hold onto (even if it isn’t real).

    1. Avatar
      Warped by Wuthering Heights

      Delusion/denial can be life-saving coping mechanisms when used in balance to maintain the ability to function outwardly in the world. But not the drug/insanity variety, simply the creation of a comforting “alternate universe” internally — escape into the comfort of books, movies, learning, intellectual explorations, hobbies, or actual travel.
      It seems much harder these days for people to develop self-reliance, autonomy, self-sufficiency, solitary development. Too much emphasis on social media, cliques, “the team,” status, superficial identity?

      1. Like most advocates for legalizing drugs say: it’s self medication. Some are blessed with guidance at an early age, the rest of us have to figure it out on our own. Sadly, those lessons are learned the hard way. Some so hard you can’t cope (even when you tell yourself that you can). All that’s needed is room to grow, space to make mistakes, and a little compassion. Once these characteristics are present in life than coming to terms with problems becomes easier.

  5. I’m one of the women who wants a man but am having a hard time. I always thought my expectations were too high or I was horrible or something. But a few people lately have pointed out some obstacles that I’m dealing with. I never realized they were obstacles. One obstacle is that I live in the middle of nowhere. I live in a rural area. The nearest town is thirty miles away. I just always thought if a man loved me enough he would make the effort. Not so. The other one is the fact that Im raising my son by myself. I think I saw my mom have relationships with men and she was a single mom of four. But when I really think about it I realize that she pretty much chose them over us and I won’t do that.
    So those are the obstacles. I’m choosing to accept them. I cannot afford to live closer to town right now and my son still needs me. So there it is. I’ve chosen my top priorities.

    1. Yeah, pretty much. Just because there are plenty of men in Alaska doesn’t mean that say, you want to look for them there because you might have to move to Alaska to keep one.

      To some degree I think an issue is that if you have settled in a particular area and you don’t want to move, and anyone you wanted to settle down with has to want to be in that particular area too. You have to want the same situation, which probably isn’t the case if you have to fish for dates in big cities.

      So, you pick the location over having a guy. It’s the choice you make.

  6. Some problems were created by the economic downturns, markets, etc. like in 07-08 w/ housing, jobs, economy in general. People making decisions that affected large populations of people, and making bad ones. It worked out fine for them. Systems in place that allowed it to happen. Now, some people are treading water or much worse, major losses. They have a problem to solve, however, it’s still the individual’s problem at this point.

  7. Great post. And, I love this: “And if I ever get X or Y or Z back (not likely), the intersection would occur in the future, so I may as well head there.”

    I think it applies to whatever happens in life.

  8. “If you were fishing in a certain spot for a certain fish, and you had not caught one even one fish, would it not occur to you to find another lake? Or different bait? Or something?” I asked. I wasn’t being rude, I was curious. I could hardly believe this at the time. But now I see it’s very common. I’m not sure exactly what the root of this would be for each individual, but stubbornness is probably part of it. Denial? Not paying attention?”

    As one of those blockheads, I’d say it’s a combination of (a) not being able to SEE other lakes to fish in, or (b) the other lakes are a lot harder to get to and it causes other issues to commute to them, (c) you need a particular fit to your life situation that is already set in stone/you don’t want to change it, or (d) you just have no effing idea and no help to find that. Sometimes it is a question of you need someone who is equipped to help you with a particular situation, and you just don’t have that someone even though you’ve been looking for years.

    “I think most people really DO want to solve their problems. I don’t think that many people know how.”

    True. Or in some cases, you know what would solve the problem, but taking that action isn’t something you want to do/would cause plenty of other problems.

    “For example, women who can’t find a partner will say that there are no good men. If you believe this, you’re talking about billions of people you’ve never met.”

    Eh, what they mean is that there are no good men in their area and they don’t want to go to Alaska or wherever to shop around.

    “What choices did they make that that led them to this point in their life?”

    They had other priorities, I’d say.

    As for me, I have given up on that sort of thing. I overly prioritize my mother because she’s the only person in the world I can trust to stick by me, she can’t deal well with someone else threatening her supremacy (plus it’s pretty much just been the two of us for 9 years), and I hated being in the middle of “You put HIM first” and “You put HER first” arguments all the time when I used to date. I don’t trust that a man is going to put up with this, he won’t and he shouldn’t. My mom has tried to share but in the end I can just hear her mental screaming of “He’s taking my baby and I’ll be all alone!” anyway. And I’m not willing to dump her (which would be the solution, correct?) and be 100% all alone to be available for a man, so… there you go. Happily, my caring about this topic has pretty much up and died anyway. I wasn’t meant to be happily married in the first place according to my chart, so why cause myself more pain trying? Accepting what is and putting up with it is a lot easier to me than doing whatever it takes to “solve a problem,” especially if “whatever it takes” is gonna cause results/more problems that I won’t be happy with either!

  9. I also think people put too much stock in the status quo or other people’s advice or ‘the way things are done’. Unfortunately by the time things definatively become “the way”. The world turns and “the way” no longer applies 4 times out of 5. But branching out from conventional wisdom can be frightening if you have no experience thinking outside the box. And honestly the wold trains us pretty hard to stay in the box so I don’t blame anyone who takes a class on how to find a job for example and gets given a lot of bad advice, and then can’t tell if the problem is the advice, the employers or themselves.

    Also like the ftogs who won’t jump out of water that is slowly heated, I think people become resigned to their problems and can’t bother to try harder to solve them because they can’t imagine a world in which they actually succeed. That’s just my perspective.

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