It’s been five months since I checked in with this transit. If you want to go deep into this transit, I’ve been chronically it since 2007. That’s nine years…see tag – Pluto transit 12th.
I’ve been suffering privately for the last couple years. This has nothing to do with illness. It’s completely unrelated. I’ve been profoundly confused (12th) as to the real (Capricorn) source of my pain (Pluto). I’ve simply not been able to figure it out.
I’ve asked for help. In some cases, I’ve begged for it. But it’s just not out there to be had – clarity anyway. I can’t tell you how God-awful it’s been. I simply don’t have the words.
About a week ago, I began to get an inkling what I’m dealing with. I don’t know how this happened, but all the sudden I had a potential key.
I started shoving the key into every lock I could find. I can’t even describe how I felt when it seemed to fit in a few of them. You know how you feel or hear or sense the tumblers in lock, be manipulated by a key. I did not feel surprised so much as great disbelief.
If you look for something so hard, for so long, there comes a point where you think you’re not going to find it. You’re going to have to live, never knowing how you’ve screwed up your life to this phenomenal degree. That’s where I’ve been.
It’s been about five days since I stumbled onto a potential explanation for the problems I’ve had. It’s been greatly relieving. This is not some kind of interesting, cool puzzle I’ve had to solve. It’s been a first-rate horror show that just keeps playing and playing and playing.
Maybe you can imagine the joy I feel to possibly have some insight. I’m too cautious to say, I’ve figured it out for sure. But here’s the thing. It’s going to be a secret. I’m going to have to keep this a secret, at least for the foreseeable future. And that is what this post is about.
Most realize I have a packed 8th house. I’ve spent my life having to contain things too ugly, painful or disturbing for general consumption. It’s like I’ve no choice but to swallow the thing, live with it inside me, while it transforms. Or I transform. I’m not really separate from the thing that I’ve consumed, so there you go.
People say things when you hold something like this. They’re so phenomenally stupid, but you can’t refute them because you’ve got to keep the thing you’re keeping. It’s got to be kept on lockdown, no matter what the cost – period.
I don’t know what happens now. It’s not going to be good, but I always find a way.
It’s getting easier to do this. I know this is not popular to say. I’m supposed to whine about how bad things happen to me again, but in reality, I’ve been keeping horrible secrets for as long as I can remember. I have been walking around like this all my life…surely, I’m equipped by now.
To put this in perspective, I started this series writing about how the internet said I would become repulsive during this transit. I did walk around for several years with open sores on my face, due to Lupus. Who knew?
Pluto has gone deeper into my 12th house and taken the disgusting stuff with it. That’s the deal right there.
I guess this might all come to light when Pluto crosses my ascendant. I don’t look forward to that, but I expect to be equipped by then and I will step up.
I have two old men around now – Saturn figures. They are clearly here to help and support me. This is another reason age and experience are an asset. You learn to recognize things like this…especially if you quit whining.
I can understand why you would want to keep your insights and discoveries to yourself. Disclosure to the wrong people or even the right people at the wrong time can weaken the potency and power of even the strongest epiphanies. Especially if the new understanding doesn’t coincide with an improvement in how you feel.
This is true, but besides this, there can be another person’s privacy you want or need to protect.
However it happens, it happens all the time, that’s for sure. This is a consistent theme in my life.
It can be so simple, like you have to conceal a person’s suicide. Because to talk about it will hurt someone you love,
Also, sometimes you try to tell someone something and they just can’t hear it. They don’t want to know.
This also requires a decent person to retreat. It’s a clear sign (to me) to find another way. And sometimes the only other way is to go deeper down. More hidden. More private. Get out via and underground tunnel, you have to dig, with your freakin’ fingernails in some cases.
Pluto will cross my ASC early January, 2017. “sometimes you try to tell someone something and they just can’t hear it. They don’t want to know.” So, I hear what you say, Elsa. What I am going through began in 2004 when I sold my family home. The secrets, the key you speak of to unlock the core issues, they’re mine, I’ve held them since I was a tiny girl. My husband sees me carry the load, and because he’s committed to me, he carries me more often than I’d like. That’s our Jupiter luck (both of us have Jupiter and Venus in the 11th) I’m there with living my burden which many don’t want to know. I’m praying the transformation will be a positive one, but, only Heaven knows for sure.
I can specifically relate to you, Elsa. In recent weeks, my disparate puzzle pieces have fallen into place with the assistance of a non-traditional therapy session. Finally, my personal issues all make sense. I agree with ScottishFoldSoul, I won’t share my realizations with others because they will marginalize the findings. This is my truth. My life. Period.
When we figure out ‘the things’ we kept whining about are God-given gifts, precious blessings- everything changes. 😉
Welcome, Goga. That too. 🙂
Powerful! Much respect to you for your intense journey and the classy way you hold it. May God bless and reward you <3
Phenomenal writing, Elsa. Thank you. ☆♡☆
You’re welcome.
Love you, Elsa!!
Thank you!
I hear you, Elsa. I mean, I HEAR YOU! There have been times since I’ve found “you” that you’ve hit my nail on the head with shattering brilliance….and left me feeling not alone. Not alone at all.
So you go Girl!!! Believe me, I’m right there with you. right there………….
A!
Oh I can so relate, Elsa!
Pluto is in the mid degrees of Cap right now, deeply immensed in the mud of my 12th house too.
It makes sense that it’s right now – exactly in the middle of this sign – you should find the beginning piece of a key. Hope you can make it fit with the rest.
I’ve had a similar experience of key retrieval during this phase, and since Pluto squares my libra moon in 8th house, it’s been… Intense. Like being broken open with a spoon! So much pain, so little progress – untill it hits you like sh*t from the fan in the middle of your face. And yet, I too have had to process these things while hiding the discoveries for others to see. It’s hard to tell your mom that her husband has sexually harassed her child. Especially when she’s dealing with Parkinson’s disease herself.
I don’t know if I look firward to being “free” from this aspect or not – it’s kinda interesting, but I’d like for it to be less harming…
Yes, that’s a good example re: your mother. You may need to contain that pain. And if you do, you may be richly rewarded…or not. But the point is, sometimes there are very hard choices to be made in your life. Choose wrong and have your weakness haunt you for a very long time. You become defined by this failure.
I am not addressing your personal situation. I am talking about my own. I want to talk but I NEED to STFU. I think!!! I am not sure, but I think that right now, today, I need to STFU until I get more information or the information becomes crystalline, which may very well be four years out (when Pluto hits my ascendent).
Then my burden can be revealed, see? That’s my guess as to how this will play. And until then, I surface like this, grab a breath and then go back down to endure the pressure. Which is what it is.
And what’s revealed has shown me pretty clearly, this will get much worse. But I am the Little Match Girl for Godsakes (google the blog). So what should I expect my life to be?
Exactly my experience too – you can only proceed, keeping low profile, and remind yourself that feeling these things are going to be transformed – as you have been by this knowledge. It changes you on a deep plane!
I have 7 planets in 8th house/Scorpio, one of them natal pluto, in conjuction w. Saturn. Heavy sh*t.
::agree::
..Its called peeling the onion in therapy. Its a painful process. Growing up My mom was always the bad guy in the family. Mad rages physically abusive ect. My dad the exact opposite. The Good guy. My mother passed away and secrets could be revealed, and through therapy I was able to see the real bad guy. Mu Dada apologized on his death bed. The secret is out, but I am 60 years old and still dealing with it.
I’m not peeling an onion. I’m sitting in the dark, waiting for a light to come on.
Then one does. And my eyes open wide to look at it, intently, to see if it’s real or something I’ve imagined.
Elsa, I always loved the story of the Little Match Girl. But no one showed her any love or kindness in her life. Surely, your readers have shown you love for all you do? I certainly want to thank you for your giving nature and your willingness to bare your essence. Only the wounded can heal…
I don’t think those things are the focus of the Little Match Girl, herself. You are observing from the outside.
She is burning for love…
I never thought so.
For me this “fairytale” is about dealing with your pain. Every day, even in the condest of coldest. It’s walking with the burdens, the pain, the neverending suffering, doing what you can to survive and the matches are whatever little light you can pull into that life of suffering and hardcore reality.
She is helpless – but the matches gives hope and light, if just for a minute, but is has a prize… Nothing lasts forever and the morning after she is found cold on the ground, frozen to death by the mercilessness of the cold and dark around her.
A sharp reminder of how Pluto works. But in death she found peace, at last, for all the suffering.
Some people don’t survive that cold, dark night of the soul in a Pluto transit…
It was my husband who tagged me this, but when he did, I read the story.
All I can see in the story is the glory, she can see when she lights the matches. Everything else is lost, irrelevant, left behind.
I don’t care where you put me, I can always see the light. I may not look at it for a day but I always know it’s there. And if I turn to it, it’s all I can see and all that matters.
I don’t know why I can see this but I can. And it’s so interesting, compelling and glorious, the dark becomes irrelevant, though I’d rather be in the sun. 🙂
The sun and more is in the light, basically. And I can see this.
So does the light represent love, truth or glory? Or is her grandmother calling her home? To get there, she has to go through the flames. I always loved that story, even as a child.
What she sees is mesmerizing. This might be my projection. But what she sees is everything…something with no lack at all, so it doesn’t matter, cold and hungry.
Those are earth things.
I know there are other people like me. I mean, I got this way by being beaten half to deal, consistently, repeatedly, for a decade. There comes a point, you really don’t feel the blows. You deal with the aftermath, but through all of this, there is the light. And the light is so bright, you don’t care about the swollen, cuts / welts.
It’s like the pain exists in the world, I can see that and I can feel it. But it’s not that important because the light is so blindingly incredible.
Your writing caused me to look up my husband’s chart. From his 21 Sag Sun/Asc to 29 Cap Mars, Pluto has transited Venus, Chiron, Pallas, Mercury, Ceres, then Mars – mostly in his 1st. No less than 8 contacts with plenty of angles. The things that have occurred mostly in his working life, I would not have thought possible. Transformative, and not in a positive way. Wish the SOB [planet] moved quicker.
Right on Elsa, get compact!
I hear you, Elsa. Just a few more degrees & Pluto will be in my 12th. I remember your writings on Pluto in the 11th & kinda felt prepared. I wasn’t. But, I felt I was.
Anyway, I understand about keeping secrets. I’ve had so many over the years. And you’re right, one of the hardest parts is dealing with the stupidity of others & not being able to straighten things out…because you have to keep the secret. *sigh*
I feel you. I can’t comprehend all you’ve been through. But, my heart feels for you. Hang in there. You’re one tough cookie! {{{{{Elsa}}}}} ❤️❤️❤️
Elsa – finding your site and recountings of your experiences has helped me this past year. So often I’ve read your posts and felt a connection with my own difficulties. This one is another well-timed example.
I’ve been struggling listlessly with transiting Uranus through the 12th for the past six years. All my drive and verve for life just disappeared. I’ve been searching for the root of that weed and failing to find it.
I’ve written so many pages in diaries, so many pages of documents on my computer trying to dig up the source of this lost energy and motivation. I’ve meditated, I’ve sat quietly, I’ve taken walks but I can never find the key as you put it.
Something has changed since July and I’ve begun to sleep deeper. I think I’m finally getting there as well. This morning I woke up from dreams which involved a particular difficult person in my life and I felt no animosity towards them – it was an okay dream.
Like you, I’m wary of believing that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I’d begun to resign myself to believe this is just my new self on the other side of midlife crisis. But perhaps it’s not, perhaps I really will be ok again one day.
I get this Elsa and I’m so grateful that you’re out here for us. I have a stellium in Aries 12 house including Saturn conjunct moon, I carry all kinds of undisclosable secrets. I currently have Uranus transiting my 12 house, sometimes popping champagne corks other times landmines. Not always welcome surprises but there’s been some dazzling enlightenment too. Mostly all kept underwraps or disclosed and evident to a selected few, until the fuller picture is complete – which might be NEVER! ?
Elsa, I already told you several times: you bring so much comfort and joy. I want to join Roxana: may God bless and reward you.
I have Pluto in the 12th natally. Keeping secrets-my own, my families, others-has followed me all my life. I always think it is for the best to keep them but still anguish.
So have ! W.J. and I recognize keeping secrets. Already in my early childhood very heavy family-secrets. My parents told me. And still there are people who tell me things. They give me all that trust. That is one side of the medal. I really don’t know if I want to know all this things. It is often big luggage and not from myself. My Pluto is in Leo! Also have Mercury in mij 12th house
in Virgo. I can keep my mouth shut!
Another person here who is so grateful for your existence. I’ve learned so much from you over the years- I spent most of my 20s taking in your insight, priceless wisdom I could have never learned if there were no you. You are a pillar of strength and an inspiration, a treasure and safe haven for many. ❤
Thank you. 🙂
Hi Else, I caught the HIV virus in 1985, when it’s name was still being debated. It destroyed my life in many ways, making most things people take for granted unattainable to me. My natal Saturn is in the 12th house of health and karmic issues, exactly quinqunx my natal Sun.
As Pluto slipped into my 12th house last year, I went through a streak of unfortunate health issues, having a stent put into my heart and tendinitis from head to toes. I’ve since been diagnosed with a couple of auto-immune diseases (Sjogren’s and interstitial cystitis). Oddly, I feel more at home with Pluto in the 12th. If I’m going to suffer and have to go deep within, I find it easier to do as a 12th house hermit, no longer seeking for others to understand my plight, and working on my spiritual life instead. Aging helps too I find. Letting go of the superficial layer of pleasing others and playing their games. I’m different and I can now just let it be, not have to play an act, not cover it up all the time.
My heart goes out to you Elsa, because once you’re in the auto-immune game, you know you can never take anything for granted again. It’s one day at a time. Please forgive me for overstepping my boundaries by sending you a great big virtual hug for all that you do to help others and for your relentless courage. You are an inspiration to me!
I hope your search will lead to understanding, release and peace.
Wish “we” (EE peeps) could help you, like you help us!
Elsa – you’ve been a source of knowledge and in that way a source of light for me as Pluto began approaching my Moon in the 11th. It will soon traverse my Sun/Mercury conjunction 8 degrees later and move into my 12th house trouncing my Venus/Jupiter conj in Aquarius. Asc is in late degrees of Aquarius. Your posts about the 11th and 12th house Pluto transits have helped tremendously. My heart goes out to you and my admiration for I believe you are one strong lady. Thank you for all you share. I hope you realize what a treasure you are to those of us who follow you. Thank you.
You’re welcome. 🙂
The only time this has happened to me is when unexplainable things happened to and with my children. It’s a private hell because there is not one person on earth living that has shared the same life with my children as I have. Well meaning advice exacerbates the pain. So there’s nothing to be shared, because it can’t be shared. I haven’t found the key yet. I only hope it’s like an epiphany and will someday glow like the Holy Grail so that I can see the way. Until then, I live with the pain. Pluto is not transiting my 12th; it’s been agonizingly hanging around my Midheaven for 5 years.
And what’s so funny=== unfathomable, really… my 75 year old mother has had Pluto transiting her 12th for a very long time. Her natal Libra Sun even received the Uranus/Pluto square and Pluto is about to make its last square to her Sun. Her life has been completely uneventful. Health is fine. She’s in the same emotional spirits she’s always been in. Maybe something is brewing down under, but if so, she’s completely unaware.
There’s a reason why most people fear the 12th house. Or at least are irritated by it.
Pluto just entered my 12th house and in natal chart I have all the personal planets but Mars in that house. In 2020 Pluto and Saturn and Jupiter will be in conjunction with my natal Sun and Mercury (rulers of 4th, 5th and 7th). And will make square to my natal Saturn and Pluto in my 8th house. Sounds like really something important! Hopefully, I will not end up in jail or dead. Other than that, I think I have learned how to handle issues from the 12th house, I hope.
Welcome, Lena. 🙂
Dear Lena,
I stumbles across your situation reading this post and cant help putting in a reply.
First of all I have Pluto half way across my 12th. It has been challenges after challenges for the past many many years as long as I can remember. Of course other astrological factors also chipped in. I am currently 61 yrs and my Saturn return around 57. It was an unbearable few years at work. Alas that seems to be only the beginning for more challenges to come. I an Virgo Sun with my natal sun 11 degrees Virgo. The Virgo eclipses this two years have culminated is all with the Perfect Storm Eclipse in September 1, 2016. ( The eclipse conjuncting my Natal Sun Venus, Mars and squaring a Saturn transit ) Mercury and Jupiter retrogrades during the eclipse season also added heat to the whole cooking pot.
The situation now is painful like the 3 of swords in the tarot card.
I feel you are into something very very very heavy coming 2020.
The Pluto Saturn and Sun conjunction in 2020 is forecast to be in epic proportion. As you also have your 8th house involve looks like your finances need intense focus. Pluto conjunct Saturn and sun squaring natal Pluto conjunct Saturn is as heavy as it can get.
Perhaps you might want to get a good astrologer to help you to set some options. Fore arm is fore warn.
Good Luck and stay strong
Chris
I forgot to mention anything useful to the readers really: since my natal stellium in the 12th and its ruler (Saturn) in the 8th and in conjunction with Pluto – I learned that when the problems arises you just have to avoid other people and in solitude you will find your peace and the necessary power inside yourself and all the worldly success will come from that concentration (and not from working hard, pleasing others etc.). That’s been my experience.