I am trying to raise my son to be a considerate person. It’s so challenging. I think this is because there are so few considerate people around. There are no role models.
I was telling my son how he should not have done something that he did. I think he meant well…but he did not think.
Most parents today would focus on the fact he meant well but that’s not good enough for me. There, I said it. I have a standard and that standard is high.
I told my son that had he thought about it, he’d have known what he did may well have upset me. Therefore he should have asked.
I know this sounds like I am being an impossible-to-please parent here, but hear me out.
I also explained that I was not asking him to do anything I did not do for him. I take his nature into consideration when I am dealing with him.
“I know you start slow in the morning,” I said. “I get up at four am, ready to go. But you sleep in…and you wake up slow. Consequently, I don’t bother you for at least an hour after you wake up. I don’t anything of you, because I know it takes that long for you to get going…”
This is what intelligent people do. I am sorry if that offends you, but people who are intelligent consider the person they are interacting with.
I’ll give you another example, for clarity. “Never argue with a drunk.” That’s an old adage that represents the same concept. The person is drunk – arguing with them is a waste of time. Intelligent people realize this. They consider the other person!
I want my son to think, intelligently. Consequently, I don’t give him a pass for “doing the wrong thing for a possible good reason.”
What the heck is that? It’s not a good husband, is it? Don’t you women want a man who’s mama actually raised him? Shouldn’t a man be capable of doing the right thing for the right reason?
I got an email from, Ben, right after this episode. He’s been a friend for thirty years and he’s an intelligent classy man, consistently, over the years. He’s proves this by being considerate!
Consideration has become very important in my life. Two years ago, I was the President of my local Woman’s Club.
One year ago, I spent hours on the phone with friends..oh well, I did all kinds of things. But what happened, is unbeknownst to me, I was getting sick.
And when I told people that I could not do this or that, they ignored me. They wanted me to do things I could no longer manage and that was that. I needed some consideration, but it not be offered.
I subsequently pulled away. There was no choice. Pluto is transiting my 12th house. I was going down the drain and when I told people this, it didn’t matter. People are starring in their own movie, as satori likes to say.
So now Pluto has transited deep into my twelfth house. My health is jacked, but it’s really not the point. I don’t know anyone who isn’t struggling on some level right now. How considerate of this are you?
Ben always says that I am smarter than he is, but he’s more educated. He’s graceful, wise and super considerate of everyone he meets. I don’t see why my son can’t be intelligent, educated and considerate.
I realize how old-fashioned that sounds, but I’m saying it anyway. It’s possible to become so consumed with what you want from others, you forget your humanity.
How considerate are you really?
Good for you! I think we should raise our sons to be considerate.
I have very high standards for the people I let close. This has been a big change for me. I’ve come through the fire, and my life is simpler now, with a few very solid friends & family members.
I have Venus in Libra, so I have very good manners. Loved all the etiquette books when younger.
Great Elsa 🙂 When my mum was raising me as a teen, I was pretty much a zombie for a good 90mins after waking up. And when I’d get home. She never quite understood just how lethargic I was getting no sleep and energy levels crashing constantly. She would take it personally as if I was being purposefully aloof or being nasty.no just tired. But she would freak out like “What’s wrong with you!?” and take it as personal affront that I wasn’t as chipper as her at 8am. Also I’ve had to learn to be considerate on my own through her, you can’t just lay stuff on people or theyll back away, and you have to retreat. Its better to retreat first, and then wait. If they come then fine then you can talk, but until then carry on as you’re doing and leave it be for the right time
Stellium in Libra I am very “other” oriented. I always consider how I show up in the world will affect those with which I interact. Don’t you think this type of thing has astrological signatures in ones chart?
Yes, I do. My son is a Libra rising, Libra Moon. He’s a Taurus sun so enormously Venusian. But it really doesn’t matter..
If you don’t have Libra in your chart, or planets in the 7th, you may have an opposition in your chart, and even if you don’t, you will have a planet transit in opposition to one of your planets, or something will transit your Venus, or Venus will transit your something, or something in Libra will transit…
You get the idea. No one is exempt, forever.
My husband is a SOLDIER. And so what. His first wife was a Libra, his son has five planets in Libra, He’s married to me, with planets in Libra and his step son is a double Libra.
Do you think this is all accidental, lol?
i’ve noticed this too! amazing! the consistency of 7th house w/those with other 7th housers. Yup, no one is exempt forever. you’re gonna get those “transits”! It’s the same true for 1st housers, and so forth so forth! my ex’s all had aries dominant in their chart. that’s no coincidence either. This is the first time, with my husband, that he has no aries, but he is scorpio. so i’ll have to look again at the correlation. the astrological signature is really spot on.
I bend over backwards for people I care about and mostly for strangers too. I think I take it too far the other way, inconveniencing myself so as not to disturb the others. I like how Elsa has the courage to confront it with her son. That is parenting.
It’s incredibly hard. He’s from the “everyone gets a trophy” generation. I am like a lone voice. Birch on wheels. But I really don’t think you can have a quality life, without taking this kind of responsibility.
He’s not thinking. I’ve of his good deeds was to straighten my husband’s desk. Nice, huh? But no one wants their stuff messed with like that, do they?
I let that go for my husband to deal with, but truly…we would never mess with his desk. We never go in his room or get in his business. If we did he wouldn’t like it.
It may not be bad, but can you see he’s not thinking?
The thought is, I don’t like someone to mess with my stuff, do I’ll not mess with theirs. Basic!!!!!
However, people don’t know this or like this anymore. Whatever they do is right and justified, no matter what.
Anyway it’s a challenge because, I feel so all alone, telling my kid stuff like this. But I would feel worse letting him grow like a weed, setting him up to fail.
I enjoy reading the valuable posts you write about your son, your thoughts on parenting. They are super inspirational. I have a three year old daughter, I live far far away from my family and in a different country… it feels very Neptunian to me. I often feel like I’m walking through fog and I never know if I’m doing the right thing. Although, if I lived close to my family and in my birth country, I´m sure I´d feel the same way.
This blog post was a nice and reflective way to start my day. Thanks!
I’m with you, Elsa. I’m in a similar situation with my oldest right now and my patience is worn thin.
I think to do the right thing for the right reason is a reasonable things to aspire to.
I also think that making a decision to use 20% of your brain is not the greatest idea.
I don’t know why parents don’t push their kids…or themselves for that matter. People talk about “evolving”, but it comes due to an effort you make, from what I can see.
Some of this stuff seems truly fundamental…and if you can’t get some kind of foundation in place, you’re going to have problems, eventually.
I’m tying this as I look at my picture on the cover of my book, below. I’m standing next to the foundation of my grandfather’s house. Saturn enough for ya?
Great post…the issue of others and their humanity, or in this case consideration, is something that I wonder about a lot. Where is the consideration in people? Where is their humanity? Sometimes I don’t know, but it’s so important that we create that level of consciousness in our children. Good job, Elsa!
Xo
I think I am very considerate of people around me especially my loved ones. When I was a kid I definitely took short cuts and thought only of myself but I know that’s because of the environment I was in; there was no consideration and my parents were only thinking of themselves (dog-eat-dog kind of world, “look out for numero uno” etc). The older I got the more it became clear to me that wasn’t what I liked to do. When I started to be considerate of people other than myself, that’s when it finally felt normal and “right”.
And now I have children of my own, and I started as soon as they were capable of comprehending, to understand “consideration of others”. With one it is difficult because she was the only child for so long, and with the other she is coming out of toddler years, and well, you know how toddlers can be. But the point is, I am trying to teach them this.
Good for you, Elsa, but looking at the way today’s society is shaping up I’m afraid your son is going to be trampled. I tell my family the same; they are trying to raise considerate and compassionate kids. We’ve lost our culture – There’s no way this bad-mannered society will improve. You know that old adage “you can tell a person’s true personality when he gets behind the wheel of a car?”
I disagree, that he’ll be trampled. I think this help him navigate through life and ultimately prevail.
He really doesn’t want to spend his life, staring a phone, I can tell you that.
I hope you’re right. In a large dept. store recently we were told to leave immediately. What I witnessed at the exit was eye-opening. I thought if this situation was worse I’d had to think what would happen to the elders in front of me. I stayed behind them to watch for their safety, but watching what was going on around me was sad.
Unless someone really pisses me off I am. I have a lady I used to work with, her only child, her son, killed himself. I told her I’d buy her Thanksgiving dinner or she could come over, I send her a Christmas present, I send her flowers on the anniversary of her son’s death, and I send her a Mother’s Day present. Just because your child isn’t here doesn’t make you stop being a Mom. All this even though I rarely hear from her.
KaD, that’s lovely. *shines*
Being present for yourself goes a long way to help you be present for your kids. I’m not talking about self absorbed. Self contained .. so you are not living soley through your children and thus allow them to be who they are and not just an extension of your ego. I , by luck and grace and a lot of effort… seemed to have raised intelligent considerate kids who are now adults and doing very well thank you very much. Yes, sometimes they get slammed by the crazy world… and the crazy narcisistic people in it… but they have the self esteem and social skills to work their way through. And if they are floundering… they call me, cause they know I am on their side. 🙂
By the way attachment parenting is a not the cause of the narcisism. Most kids these days are raised in day care….
I try to be as considerate as possible. I was raised to be considerate of others and that’s how I raise my two. I tell them it’s a shame there’s not more role models out there, so we’re just gonna have to be the role models for everyone else.
Angie
that’s how i was raised too. to be considerate of others. it really makes an impact with upbringing. Children may get “influenced” but as long as they have a strong family that will never give up on them, give them lots of love and support, they’ll stand strong through their journey in life, even through the dark.
I´m so aware of others pain that I neglect my own. Now I´m having some problems with my health and really have to look after myself.
Elsa, teaching a young person or child to think is to be commended and I don’t think old-fashioned. I agree that your son, others, myself will be better served if we pause and think about the consequences of our actions. It is odd how today we live in a society where every little thing gets rewarded. It seems to me that we devalue meaningful actions from the mundane…must be getting old:)
Cannot be done. Give me a child for seven years and i will give you the man. For the first seven years is the child entirely with you?
Disagree. My husband trained countless teenage boys into men in the military. Open your mind. You may not know quite as much as you think you do.
I consider myself a considerate person, some people see me as a pushover or an easy target and are shocked to find out otherwise, Consideration of others is quite rare where I live in nyc. I don’t care though… I have the few people in life who are right for me in terms of values and that’s all I need. God Bless you Elsa for teaching your son consideration of others…if everyone did we would have a wonderful planet full of peace and well being for others.
Thank you! I’m trying to raise my son right as well. That’s one of the reasons why I wanted a boy- so I can raise him right and set an example. My ex husband isn’t in agreement (and that’s why he’s my ex. Bc his mama didn’t raise him right). I’m glad I’m not alone in this. Thank you for this post. 😉
Thank you. Saw this blog on a friend’s fb page and checked it out. I love it! I’ve been going through and reading for 30 minutes. So thank you!