I Sabotage Relationships But I’m Scared to Be Alone

aquarius card girlHi Elsa,

I’ve been the same man for 3 years, and while I love him very deeply I continually manage to sabotaged the relationship. I’ve broken up with him 4 times and each time has been for a different reason. This is the longest relationship that I’ve ever had, and we entered into it with the assumption that both of us wanted a long-term relationship that would eventually lead to marriage. However, I find myself in an up and down cycle of being extremely fearful of commitment, and then terrified of being alone.

What I’m confused about is whether I just have a phobia of commitment, or if this man is just not the right one for me. I love him so much that I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work.


Dear Confused,

I can’t possibly address this situation this complex in this format, however I can offer you some clarity.

First, I read that you’ve broken up with this man for four different reasons – I only see one!  I see a fear of commitment and a fear of being alone, which is essentially the same thing.

Commitment-phobia manifests many ways. Sabotaging your relationships is certainly one of them.

I verified my impression with your chart. You’re an Aquarius with a stellium in the sign that includes Venus…and Jupiter no less.  That’s textbook for commitment-phobia. You have a Libra moon, so while you may be freedom-loving, you don’t want to be alone.

As for the man, he looks to be  a good match for you, astrologically.  He’s stayed with you through all your hijinks for three years. I’d take this as a good sign as well. Last, you have a common goal – marriage.

These things are significant indications that you probably have a viable relationship here, and just ONE problem to solve! However, you’re the only one who can solve it and you’ll probably need some help. Start by educating yourself.

For that, I’d take a look at my class, Finding Love Using Astrology.  The workshop costs less than an hour of therapy. It covers this issue in depth, in an intellectual way that you’ll be able to relate to. 

Bottom line, this problem belongs to you. It exists independently of the partnership. If you leave the man, you’ll keep the problem, but you can resolve it if you choose to.

I say this with confidence. As a fellow hard-core commitment-phobic, who is now been happily partnered for almost ten years, I know my way around this issue. I hope this helps you cut to the chase.

Do you sabotage your relationships too?

Request astrology-based advice here!

11 thoughts on “I Sabotage Relationships But I’m Scared to Be Alone”

  1. With four personal planets in Sag, yes I did when I was younger. Except I didn’t go back and forth with the guys–I usually just cut and ran. When dating I was the one that left when things started to get “serious”. Unfortunately, I attracted men that wanted a serious relationship back then and it bothers me now when I reflect on a couple that I did hurt deeply because I couldn’t/wouldn’t love them. However, I met my husband over 21 years ago and we married within 6 months of meeting each other and are still very happily married. This is probably going to throw some for a loop but I think the most important synastry aspect that has given us as individuals such a strong relationship is his Saturn (conjunct his Ascendant in Pisces) is in exact opposition with my Uranus (8th house Virgo). Of course, we have other wonderful aspects but that one aspect seems to have sealed the deal. I’ve been able to show him how to grow and not be so set in his ways (conservative) and he’s given me stability and unwavering support.

  2. Definitely… Mars in aquarius and Saturn in sagittarius with a scorpio stellium. The sag and I are reaching 3 months and the last time I wanted to end it was me figuring out that I’m just a commitment phobe. We both have Venus in Scorp and mine is retrograde so this is long haul things with marriage and babies and oh yeah exploring the dark side. I kept on attributing the whole thing to my last relationship where that was the goal but they broke up with me blaming me and I was ready and now a whole 2 years later, as soon as Saturn leaves scorpio, I’ll be doing this again and hopefully it works out better and I don’t have to deal with the same nonsense again but hey that’s the drama of a Leo Venus I suppose.

  3. I’ve sabotaged when I have known that it wasn’t right, but was scared to be alone and over-rode my intuition. When I started to listen to myself, and realised that being alone was better than being in a relationship that wasn’t right, I stopped. I chose to spend a long time alone and learning to love myself until I knew for sure that when I went into a relationship, I wasn’t looking for them to ‘complete’ me, and that I was complete as I was and enough as I was. Just into my forties when that happened; Venus in Leo in 12th, Saturn in Pisces in 7th.

  4. I was close to 40 when I could catch myself before self sabotaging. Libra Sun, Aquarian moon. Wishy washy gypsy. Finally got married and it was the best choice I made. He is my Gypsy Love Junkie. He gives me the freedom to live my life. It took me some time to understand. I thought he didn’t care because he didn’t get jealous. In actuality,a recluse, he lives vicariously through my adventures. A match made in Heaven.

  5. The more I see these posts the more I am positive that my daughter is a hard-core commitment-phobic. Her life style doesn’t help her in this area either. However I understand only she can fix this.

  6. Well, this full moon/eclipse is conjunct my libra moon. I’ve been mulling over this post today. Interesting. Maybe the problem is not wanting a relationship. That just is.

  7. “I see a fear of commitment and a fear of being alone, which is essentially the same thing.”

    Can you elaborate on this, Elsa? It really caught my attention because I have the same problem, but I don’t quite understand. What is the common thread?

    1. I’ll try to write another post. I’m swamped right now. Because it’s something that needs to be explained. Sorry!

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