Dear Elsa,
I am with a guy (now my husband) who is addicted to porn. His ex-wife warned me of this in the beginning of our relationship but my husband told me he just looked at porn because he didn’t love her and wasn’t attracted to her – but that he wouldn’t do that to me.
Well about a year into our relationship, I caught him looking at it. He always swore to me that he wasn’t doing it but he actually was. I was so emotionally torn up! After a lot of crying and talking we tried to move past it. We got married and then 6 months later, I found out he was still looking at it and lying to me. I can not trust him at all.
Sometimes he is really sensitive about it and other times he tries to blame me for it. We are now pregnant and it is about a year later since I found out for the second time. He says AGAIN that he is not doing it and that would mean he had to have stopped cold turkey a year ago. We are Christians. I believe this is a big sin and so does he. He says he wants to change but I don’t trust that he will ever tell me the truth. I think he is still looking at it and it is ruining my self esteem.
I don’t want to bring our daughter into this kind of a marriage but I don’t know what to do. Do I leave? How do I ever trust him again? I am just so hurt and feel so betrayed and I don’t know what to do.
Pregnant Wife
United States
Dear Wife,
I don’t blame you for not trusting your husband because he has been lying and with a stellium in Sagittarius, the truth and your spiritual beliefs are very important to you. You sound very clearheaded about who you are, how you feel and what kind of parent you want to be – so let that sink in. It will help lead you to a decision.
Though “addiction” may be overstating the situation, it is clear your husband is repeating a pattern that existed before you came into his life. This shows that without a doubt his porn use has nothing to do with you or your desirability although we know he likes to place blame. Let that sink in as well.
Now you know I can’t make this call for you but with all your Sagittarius you have an innate eye on the future and I think you can see what is coming if no change is made. Unfortunately your husband is the one who has got to change and this is not likely at least in the near term when his main way of addressing this is to lie, deny and make counter allegations.
That’s a pretty solid position by the way. It’s a very strong defense and I do not think you will be able to defeat it without some kind of intervention. A therapist for example or maybe someone from your church. And considering you have a baby on the way I surely wouldn’t break up your family without taking this step. And I know there are people who would say that your husband has the right to look at all the porn he wants and this is true. But you have rights as well. You have the right to be in a relationship that supports your self esteem and you have the right to raise your daughter in an environment you think is appropriate and you definitely have the right to a husband who does not lie to you.
I would also add, the fact he told you he didn’t love his ex-wife and this is why he used porn plays here. Since he still uses porn, you must wonder how he feels about you and this probably exacerbates your bad feelings. If you go back up and read what he said to you… every time he looks at porn he is sending you a subconscious message that he does not love you and is not attracted to you. I am not sure this is actually the case so just be aware what is being triggered here.
Good luck.
Dear Pregnant Wife,
I’m a mother in law and this is what I tell my beautiful Daughter-in-laws, ” NEVER accept anything (even and more so from my sons) that makes your soul cringe. When your soul is in a state of cringing it is impossible to find peace and sovereignty in this state.
Knowing that he has bought into this sociatal disease ( the one where women are nothing more than orifices and receptacles of a man’s pleasure ) you can be sure that he has more to “clean up” than just this habit.
I’d like to tell you a story of a young woman (about your age at the time that this happened) who married the “perfect” guy. He was a computer programmer and had a great job and future. He really was an all around “good” guy or at least this young woman thought. He was addicted to porn also and a regular church boy. He grew up in the church so you can see that being “christian” is not an immunity to this disease.
Well, 2 years into this marriage they had a beautiful little girl ( my niece ). They brought her into pretty solid circumstances….or so my sister thought. One night her daughter (at the age of 2) awoke with night terrors. My sister ran into her room and asked her what was happening as she held her tight in her arms.
In between sobs she said, “Daddy bleed in my mouth! He go boom boom boom and bleed in my mouth!” She went on to explain how he stuck his penis in her mouth and then ejaculated. Now she did not say it in these terms because he made a game out of it and used words that were metaphors for this crime.
My sister did all that she could to protect her daughter but the courts were in favor of pedophiles. ( This is a well researched and documented fact. )
Even when presented with the evidence ( in a sworn statement by a Pediatrician) that my niece had contracted herpes ( she was 4 ) and that there was suspicion that her father was the one who gave it to her the judge refused to order him to have the blood test done to determine where this 4 year old child contracted genital herpes from. (Oh, I forgot to mention that the judge was a member of the same church as the father of my niece. Probably why he was protecting the father.)
Anyway, my niece was made to suffer (through the order of this judge) years and years of molestation. The pedophile father was given joint custody. She will always be on medication for this disease.
This is not a rare or isolated case. Too many young girls tell me how they were raped by their own family members.
I’ve written multiple posts here on ElsaElsa about this issue because it is too important to dismiss. I am not saying that this is how it will end up for you and your daughter but would you even want to take the chance?
Pornography is not a “pastime”. It is not harmless. It is not a “right” when it distorts the female image and destroys the lives of those that are most vulnerable.
I agree with Elsa. You are a wise young woman and in your wisdom you will do what is best for yourself and your daughter. Personally, I would never allow a man who sits and peruses porn to touch my daughter much less be in the same room with her. I think the story above illustrates that men have a very difficult time with boundaries where sexual urges are concerned.
This is but one of the many crimes that I have been made aware of personally and the connection was always porn.
I wish you and your daughter a life without pain.
Jamie–that breaks my heart about your niece. It’s probably gonna bother me all day. I hope her soul can overcome the emotional obstacles that she will probably have over this. She needs justice!
Pregnant wife–It’s hard for me to talk about this in real life (to friends I have), but here nobody knows me, so it’s easier.
The porn issue is one that I had to grow up with, unfortunately. My dad is an addict and has been ever since my mom has known him (27+ years). For a good half of their marriage my mom pretty much ignored it and thought he was just being a typical man. When the internet came about, it got worse since it’s easier to access. When it became a problem for her, it seems like the addiction got worse. Because the rush he felt by sneaking around it made the addiction more intense. So they have been struggling with this for about 12 years or so. My dad has been to therapists, priests, you name it. But it’s like being a drug addict…he’s had many relapses.
I can’t even begin to tell you the effects it’s had on my family. My dad has never done anything inappropriate to me or my brother or anything like that. But the stuff I’ve been exposed to at a very young age has had an affect on my psyche and my sexual health/mentality. I remember being six yrs old and finding his playboys and hustlers under the bathroom sink and reading them any chance I got. When I was a little bit older I started finding the porn in their closet, and whenever I was left home alone I would watch them. I was waaay too young to be exposed to these things. Adults think they are sneaky, but kids are curious, and know what is going on. I never felt dirty about it until I was able to see what a negative affect porn has on people. It put a BIG wedge between me and my dad, because I became so angry at him for puting his addiction before my mom, me, and my brother. I know he felt ashamed so he pretty much cut off all father/daughter and father/son relationship with my brother and I. When the worst of the worst was happening I was in highschool and felt so neglected by my mom and dad because this porn issue overtook their lives that I acted out BIG time. I was doing all kinds of different drugs, having sex, etc…and this is at the age of fifteen. And they had no clue!! I could’ve been spared all kinds of bad and degrading experiences had they been focused on their kids as opposed to fighting with eachother.
The final straw for my dad was when I told him that if he continued the course he’s on then I can’t allow my daughter to be around him, because I do not want her to even have the chance of being exposed to the things I was. My daughter is his heart. She’s the one that brings so much sunshine and happiness in his life. We can all see it in the way he lights up when she is around. Ever since then, he has been doing good and continuing learning all he can about his addiction.
My dad had a rough childhood, and he has issues (obviously). I had to learn how to separate his addiction from the person I know he has the potential to be, because I remember a time when he was a great father.
But…..and a BIG but, it has put us all through so much unnecessary pain. And the more you try to fight the current, the worst it gets. It really has to hit ROCK BOTTOM to even begin to pick itself back up. If you can protect your child in the least, please do so. Children can figure out so much more than you would think.
I don’t think porn is a bad thing at all, but when it’s an addiction, it interferes with every aspect of ones and ones family’s life.
If you’re in it for the long haul, then please be prepared for an uphill battle. My parents are still together, but I cringe at the thought of how many years of unhappiness my mom has endured. I can’t count how many times I tried to explan to her that we would understand if she left, because personally my mom, nor any person, deserves so much pain on behalf of another.
Just know that this is something he will have to change within because there is nothing YOU can do but pray and wait and support.
I hope that wasn’t too grim for you, but it’s the reality of someone who grew up with an addict father.
Good luck to you and your child, and your husband too.
Jamie, I am very sorry about your niece. That’s a horrible, horrible thing to happen to her.
On the other hand, just for a sense of balance I am happy to report that I manage to combine being a woman who enjoys porn with not molesting my son, and that I also know lots of other consenting adults who manage to be excellent parents while indulging in porn-watching from time to time.
This doesn’t mean that Pregnant Wife should condone her husband’s behaviour – only that I think porn-viewing is not a risk factor for people being paedophiles (unless of course it’s kiddie porn that they are watching).
Pregnant Wife – I think ultimately you need to put the health and happiness of you and your daughter first. I think the only thing harder than being a single parent is being the unsupported parent who is part of a couple. You and your child deserve a husband who is emotionally there for you and with whom you have a good and honest marriage. Whether that means walking away, or working on the marraige you’re in is up to you.
There’s lots of different views about porn. I think that what happens between consenting adults is perfectly fine, other people find it degrading and wrong and disagree. That’s fine. What I do know though is that human sexuality is rich, and varied and that denying a part of one’s sexual self is a deeply, deeply painful experience which causes people to react in various ways including lying and denial.
You do not have to accept your husband’s behaviour. But I think having honest, open conversations about it might help. If you say ‘if you keep watching porn then it’s over’ the stakes are raised high, see? If he doesn’t want to lose you he will either quit or get more shamed/sneaky/in denial about it. Similarly, if you shame him he is more likely to try and shame you back. On the other hand if the conversation goes something like: “I really want to understand the meaning of this thing for you, can we honestly explore the subjec and see what it means for us and where we can go from there.” you are likely to get more actually real answers.
I have a deeply happy marriage. To achieve it I had to drop some of my ideals (about how to be romantic for instance) and hold on to the others, and decide which ones were negotiable and which ones weren’t. I’d advise everyone to be clear about it.
I agree with Elsa- I think trying counselling before making final decisions might be a good idea although I’d think it’s better not to do it through the church but on more neutral ground.
Good luck and my best wishes for your future and your family.
Nia–I agree with you on some parts…I like some porn myself, but I’m torn about it because of the long book I wrote above. I definitely think it is awesome if it’s in healthy doses.
With an addiction though, it’s all or nothing for them. Consider a drug addict. You can’t give a heroin addict a little bit of heroin here and there, without them becoming addicted all over again. For a porn addict, I believe they have to give up porn all together or the temptation of becoming addicted comes back all over again. This is a hard cycle to break by simply just discussing it in an open manner with your spouse. This takes deep, deep digging to understand why they are addicted in the first place via counseling and such.
Also, I am positive that my dad did NOT want to lose my mom, but it didn’t stop him from continuing to do it. So I’d tell Pregnant Wife not to cry wolf, and threaten to leave unless she is fully prepared to follow through. Because the crying wolf thing only made matters worse, in my moms case that is.
I also agree for counseling to be on neutral ground. I think if it’s based on religion then the husband will be made to look like a heathen which only adds to the shame. Which I don’t think helps.
After reading Pregnant Wifes post again it brought back so many memories. I remember the lies and the pointing of the finger towards my mom. She spent many years thinking she did something wrong. She felt so betrayed. I can understand how you are getting low self esteem. I remember my mom saying “How can I compete with these women he looks at, with their perfect breast and tanned bodies.” I can only imagine how that makes a woman feel.
Again, I hope you can get through this. Just stick to your guns….only you know what you want and need from your mate, and you deserve deserve just that.
No, what is heartbreaking is that people delude themselves into believing that this is harmless.
I’m not a “religious” person nor do I profess to be “christian”. I am a soul having the condition of being human and in this process of becoming human I am learning that everything that I think I manifest. What I participate in becomes a part of me and those that I love, although, it may not define my essence it becomes an indelible mark on my being.
Shell, if you go back and reread what you wrote I cannot imagine how you could deduce that your father loved anything more than his addiction.
I am a mother and for the love of my sons I have moved heaven and earth to provide them with safety. Raising children in an environment such as this is unhealthy and unsafe.
Nia, what does it mean to be an “adult”? From what I have gathered from this society we created (or not) to be an adult means the right to indulge in every conceivable pleasure without taking responsibility for the consequences. If the definition of being “adult” is to engage in whatever forms of pleasure one desires without thinking of the possibility that it may manifest perversions and ultimately victims then I opt out of that catagory. I’m going to remain a child in my mind and create a world that is safe for ALL to live and love in.
There is absolutely nothing “wrong” with the act of sex and I believe what two people do to each other in the confines of their relationship is their business, but please tell me how you explain to an 8 year old your stash of “videos” or a plastic toy? I’ve never met a child who is savy enough to handle the truth of these matters.
It affects their psyche deeply and permanantly.
There is no rewind button in these situations (as Shell so eloquently alluded to) and the innocence of this child is irrevocably snatched from them.
Has anyone taken a good look at this “society” we live in? We’ve sunk so low that we sexualize children in the name of profit. Hannah Montana. Britney Spears. Jamie Lynn Spears and the plethora of young teens Hollywood churns and burns for their (and our) unscrupulous pleasure.
There is NO protection for children in a society designed with the needs of “adults” put far before those that are vulnerable and need our protection.
If we are all connected through this thing called the super conscious then how is it possible that what one person does ( or manifests ) does not affect another?
Let us say that I find “war” repugnant because I lost several family members (due to their proximity to the battle field) and therefore will not invest my thoughts into entertaining the idea of it. Because I won’t invest my energy into entertaining the idea I will create the opposite of war (which is very beneficial for those of us who do not want to get our shit blown up.)
I think porn is a lot like war. There are always victims and victimizers in this situation. Starting with the women and men who perform in these venues. Then there is the one who profits (financially)from all of this heartache….the Pimps who understand all too well how to manipulate the emotions of others to elicit the actions they desire.
If we continue to believe that what we invest our energy into does not affect our environment and everyone in it then we will continue to have stories such as my niece’s story as well as Shell’s and Pregnant Wife and on and on.
What is that saying?
“The children have found the matches!”.
Indeed we have and in our ignorance we shall burn down not just the entire “house” but the “contents” within as well.
Jamie–I understand what you are saying, but to say that my dad doesn’t love anything besides his addiction is wrong. I’ve seen my dad, a grown, prideful, ashamed man crying his soul out over his problem. Not only because of himself, but because of what it’s done to our family. As I said before, I remember a time when he was a great father. He’s been through a lot, which I will not disclose here, but he has a problem, a BIG problem…and it’s something he struggles with everyday. Can you say that an alchoholic doesn’t love their children or their spouse? Part of their problem is their denial. And yes, it is wrong, what it does to people, but I know my dad loves us, he was just in denial over the years as to what effect it had on us.
I agree with many of your points. Its a damn shame that people hurt other people in this way…or any other way for that matter. I don’t think my dad is a monster though. I do believe that he loves me….his problem has to do with loving himself.
OK. I’m going to play bigtime devil’s advocate here. What if pregnant wife could give the porn addict 30 minutes a day after work, before dinner to look at porn alone? Is that so terrible? Is that possible?
One more thing, pregnant wife is 21. I thought porn was disgusting until I was 30. Maybe pregnant wife needs to go to http://www.goodvibes.com and find some female friendly, non-degrading porn? Just a thought.
Hiro–interesting. A different angle, for sure…Shell, what interests me about your comment is that I had a similar emotional experience as you (feeling as though I was exposed to too many inappropriate sexual matters, too much, too young).
However my exposure came through living voraciously through my mother’s life experiences (classical 1st House Moon–Capricorn, [square Mars and Pluto]). It seems as though both of us lived voraciously through a parent (though unknowingly and spontaneously). Different lives, different concequences, yet similar emotional responses. They fascinate me…people. Endlessly.
Voraciously….what I mean is vocariously, I need an editor. I am such a bad speller. To think I wanted to be a librarian once, and damn I spell bad. Or maybe I should be curing Mercury Rx.?#%$
HOLY SHIT. What the hell. Yeah, I should be CURING Mercury Rx. And…what??? WTF is wrong with me?!
**I should be considering Mercury Rx. Oh, hell.
Shell, I would never believe your father a monster or anything else with a label. I don’t believe in labels but I do believe in seeing things as they truly are.
I agree that your dad has a problem with himself first amd foremost. It is just a shame that he put his needs far above yours and your mother’s.
My father (at the age of 70) peruses porn. He has 4 daughters, a grandaughter and a great grandaughter. His behaviour disgusts me. He is hurting my mother (who was viciously beaten and raped at the age of 7. I was not born into these kinds of issues to just keep my mouth shut about them).
I do not believe that we are born “evil” or “monsters”. I’ve never seen a chart like that to this date. There are always choices as to how we will use our energy for the benefit of all.
I do not feel sorry for your dad, but, rather, for you. You were the victim. You should have been protected. I have no patience for self serving people. I really could care less about their “addictions” and what may have compelled them to become addicted to begin with.
Myself included. Because I have no pity or patience for “addicts” I do not allow myself the luxury of acquiring them. There are too many people who depend on my integrity.
I think you are a very brave soul, Shell, and that you came to teach your dad something about himself. I hope that you and your family are healed of this sorrow.
kashmiri, LOL!! You made me laugh! thanks. : )
Porn is a firey topic, isn’t it?
I was just about to write a comment about it… and then remembered my soon-to-be-ex’s porn stash…. That’s not why the relationship is ending, but… for someone like me, sex is sacred. Porn is not sacred. (Except watched on Sundays 😉
But seriously…. at least if you indulge in it, for God’s sake feel guilty (for a little while) and then go on to the next thing. With addicts, they can’t really go on to the next thing, right?
The problem, as I see it, is that this society has a schizophrenic attitude toward sex. I think porn is a direct result of the suppression of healthy sexual drives. Suppression a natural drive turns it on itself and creates what some would call perversion.
If we had a healthier perspective, maybe porn wouldn’t even be necessary.
What *I* want to know is what Christians are doing asking astrologers for advice. Every Christian I’ve run into disparages astrology and smugly claims their religion is “above” divination of any kind, even though their own Bible is full of astrological/zodiacal imagery and allegories.
I dont’ think porn is a problem by itself it is when it affects the people around…if he is an addict it means he can’t give it up. He may feel like he has a right to watch and at the same time being that you both are Christians he knows that it is wrong.
Insted of attacking him ask him in a gentle way why he looks at it? what is his reason?
I used to think porn bad and then I realized it is how it is used…if it is a tool to bring closeness and excitement into a relationship and it is agreed upon then there isn’t any harm it is when it causes a couple to be devided.
If it is an addiction for your husband then pray pray pray and be gentle and help him to have some excitement between the 2 of you that surpasses what he looks at then maybe he will be able to get help…..