I’m A Smart Girl Having An Affair With My Married Boss

Taurue Bull

Dear Elsa,

I’m in a relationship mess. I moved to a new country about 8 months ago, for work. I love the work I do, it’s amazing experience, and the country is great, although it’s developing and it shows (electricity problems, bad roads, etc.). The problem is that this is not where I’m going to find the man I will be with; at least I’ve pretty much set my mind on it, I guess.

First, I think the men here are so unattractive, I mean really. I find it hard to find any that I think are even a bit cute! So that has made it difficult to find anyone to even flirt with a little to take my mind off of… well that will come, and therefore to start a new relationship with someone I would actually have a future with.

The big whamo problem is that I’m in love with a married man who is also my boss. He’s not that much older than me, about 8 years, he’s been married for only one year (although with this woman for about 10), doesn’t have any kids, and his wife lives in a different country, and since I’ve lived here has only visited once (although they see each other when he’s traveling).

I had already known him for about two months before he told me he was married, that definitely didn’t help. Since then I’ve been torn and angry and sad and frustrated and all sorts of emotions. I’ve tried to deny to myself that I had fallen in love with him. I know we should end this, I really do, I’m a smart girl and I know this is stupid. But I’m in love with him and I’m closer to him than anyone else and this entire country making breaking up harder since I won’t have the support of friends like I would back home.

When I need a hug for support, the only one who can comfort me is him. So the fact that I see him almost every day is what makes it even harder… he’s there, so if we break up (and we’ve tried and are currently trying but it never seems to work), we still see each other, we’re still around each other, we still want to spend time with each other and do other things to each other.

How can I resurrect my love life without sacrificing my professional life?

Taurus Lover
United States

Dear Taurus,

I don’t think you can. When you sleep with your married boss, you pretty much kill your opportunities at work right there. Even if you wind up married to the guy (and this will never happen), you will still be the talk of office, shunned and so forth. In other words, if you play you lose. You’ve played so all you can do at this point is cut your losses, which look to be significant.

Now you may love this guy but he definitely does not love you. He is using you. He initiated the affair with a lie and is exploiting your need for a “hug” and a father figure to get what he wants: sex.

Meanwhile you seem to be completely oblivious around what is moral… and arrogant beyond belief to call an entire country of people “unattractive”. It’s mind-boggling actually. What is unattractive is your boss’s lack of integrity. What is unattractive is your mindless justification of your behavior and the idea you would ask me how to come out of this situation on top, as if you deserve that.

Now you may think I am being mean but I’ll tell you something. As long as you remain this shallow, you’re going to be ripe for the picking for men like your boss who wish to manipulate and control you. Considering the hard aspects from Saturn and Pluto in your chart, if you want to progress, you are simply going to have to look at your own face in the mirror and ask yourself, “Just what am I doing here?” And then take steps to make things right and get your power back.

Beyond that, I would say you are 25 years old and you can come out of this okay. But only by paying the price and learning your lesson big time.

Good luck.

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28 thoughts on “I’m A Smart Girl Having An Affair With My Married Boss”

  1. There came a point in my life, where I had to ask: “what kind of woman do I want to be? How do I want to feel about ME when I look back on my life? “

  2. and arrogant beyond belief to call an entire country of people “unattractive”. It’s mind-boggling.

    I do that all the time… I can see how it’s arrogant but the people who like me are generally not to my taste and the people who do it are now fifty to seventy year old men so the population changed greatly from dudes who hang out outside stores now they won’t even look at me so I’m trying to rejoice and not feelk thrown off the face of the earth

    learn your lesson, leave that country, go to another country, get another job, learn new things don’t be like me, learn your lesson

  3. The first step in finding a love worthy of you, is for you to find yourself worthy of love.

    In my world, having a partner lie to me bout being single is a deal breaker. To readily accept being the other woman would show that I don’t believe I’m worth better. Why should I expect someone to treat me better than I’m willing to treat myself?

    And kudos Elsa on the call out on the shallowness of referring to an entire country as unattractive! Attractiveness goes miles beyond the physical aspects!

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      I don’t know about that. You can love yourself and life may still deny you a loving partner. Life is rarely fair- either you’re lucky or you’re not.

      1. I never said life was fair. The situation she’s currently in (being in love and sleeping with her married boss)is unlikely to be attractive to possible partners. I have found that being ok with who I am and my actions gives me strength to walk away from people and situations that are not representative of who I want to be. I’d rather be alone than allow myself to be used by others just for their attention.

  4. Generally people who are in a relationship with married people be they man or women don’t really want a committed relationship. Since this young women didn’t quit her job and move back to her home country when she found out the Boss was married then she is not truly serious about a committed relationship.

  5. Avatar
    Alison Austin

    I dislike your response. Morals and love don’t always work out as morals are based on opinion and religion half the time. A marriage described as she has described isn’t a love marriage or they wouldn’t be able to be apart most of the time as they are. Maybe he does love her, how does anyone assume to know how he feels? This feels very wrong to me. Maybe some of her statements are naive and immature but you shouldn’t advise from such a pedestal or speak of moral integrity when you only have half a story.

    1. How can you possibly claim that a guy who lies about being married so he can be with a woman doesn’t have compromised morals?

  6. I think it’s a way to get what you want if the boss is also the owner of the company and will lose everything when his wife finds out. I have worked with that young monster woman. She did quite well for herself, but the workers were all miserable under her reign.

  7. Avatar

    The poster is 25 years old. Everyone makes mistakes. Her boss is slime but the reality is many men cheat no matter how much they stand to lose. If starting right now every woman hit on by a married guy said no or ended a fling with one who lied to her about being single, the prostitution industry would just experience an unprecedented spike in clientele.

  8. When I was in my early 20s I had brief affairs with 2 men who said they were “separated”; I now realize they were probably lying and married at the time and just wanted sex. I was pretty naive and didn’t realize they were users. Then I gave in one time to a guy I worked with who I was really drawn to who I knew was married; the morning after I just realized in a very deep sense it was just wrong to be with someone who was married. And was scrupulous to never do it again. I just got that it was complicated in ways that weren’t always apparent and “bad karma.” I have a harsh Saturn-Pluto aspect and though I haven’t always paid attention or corrected my behavior, it seems one of those aspects where you often need to “straighten up and fly right”; you might not get away with things that others seem to get a pass on. I think the fact the woman is 25 (and is experiencing turbulence because of the affair) means she can still extricate herself and make better choices.

  9. anonymoushermit

    Man, the guy must be really hot. Sorry, I’m not being mature.

    Seriously though, you do pay a price for your choices. She’s still young. Hopefully she never does it again.

  10. The young Lady ask for advice and Elsa just told her the truth plain and simple.Now she can take her advise or learn the hard way. When I was young usually it was the hard way.

  11. Sweetheart, if he’ll do it to his partner of 10 years, regardless of the circumstances, he will do it to you, & probably already is.

    Gather your courage & your self-esteem, & walk away. You will survive this, trust in yourself & in The Universe. This is not the time in our evolution to be living an illusion, or deliberately making ego choices for fleeting, physical pleasure that willfully harm others emotionally = extremely painful, karmic debt accruing, to be repaid, rest assured (Mutable Grand Cross w/ Lord of Karma Saturn-Venus-Neptune-Jupiter).

    You need you … strong, clear, resilient, with psyche intact. You don’t need him. He is not in it for the long haul, merely the opportunistic ride.

    1. Avatar

      I avoid married men because I don’t want the karma, but sometimes being temporarily used for sex in general is a welcome relief from one more night of nothing. It’s not about self-esteem or self-respect, it’s about taking an opportunity to really feel alive in a way that only sex can provide. For some of us, being used and given a few scraps of attention is, if only in the short term, a step up. It’s a short-term swapping of old pain for new pain.

      I have found that no amount of feeling worthy of love makes a lifetime of being alone one bit easier to tolerate. Mother Nature, like her cousin karma, is a relentless sadistic bitch. My position on the topic is rarely popular, but this is the voice of someone half dead from loneliness who doesn’t kid herself that things like satisfying work, helping others etc. make any difference.

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        Which is not to say the poster wouldn’t be better off walking away, agree with you on that count. Just not the idea that feeling good about yourself as a person in any way alleviates the psychological and biological agony of moving through life alone if you’re not fortunate enough to find a loving partner.

        1. From someone who has been there many times & is there now, i.e., alone & lonely at times, I can certainly relate to what you have expressed. We all need love. Period. In its absence, we will take whatever forms of it that are on offer, however fleeting, however inadequate, to feel connected to another.

          I enjoy sex, but have most def learned to live just fine without it, as I refuse to give it away to someone unworthy, unavailable, or to someone with which I do not have a spiritual connection, just to scratch an itch. I did that trek for years, & for me personally, those behaviors cost me dearly in terms of soul-crushing guilt & shame.

          I try hard not to judge others, because we are all flawed. And I believe judgment lies with a higher power.

          Currently, there are 7.4 billion people on this planet. Consenting humans can find intimate pleasures without harming others; it’s called making heart-centered rather than egoic based choices.

  12. Hmmmm, I’m European, and some of the stuff Elsa wrote seems incredibly American to me, too. While conducting an affair is certainly not considered exactly moral behavior in any culture, the consequences may vary. The American Corporate Culture,
    with strict policies on interpersonal relations to avoid harrassment cases, isn’t pervasive. On the other hand, there are countries where just being in a same hotelroom with a member of an opposite sex could qualify as a punishable crime.

    For instance, I personally know at least three couples who met while working together abroad, and ended up leaving their spouse, or in one case spouses. I also know at least half a dozen instances where sleeping with the boss led to a promotion, not being fired. One of my bosses became a boss that way, and she was among more competent ones I’ve had. And my latest workplace worked, even if it produced three legitimate couples who are still together, and at least six illegitimate ones, mostly because one of my male co-workers managed to sleep with three different female co-workers.

    That said, I’ve seen instances where workplace affairs have gone terribly wrong, too. And those have been ones where someone hasn’t been quite honest. One guy I know “lost it” at a Christmas Party with a girl who had a boyfriend, but had been seeing him on side so badly that he ended up fired. And my latest boss ultimately lost his job because he’d been a pig years ago. The male co-worker going through all the girls at the office left pretty early on in the project, and so did two of the girls he’d been sleeping with…

    So, it really is impossible to say, what kind of an effect this has to anyone’s career, without further information. What’s possible to say is that klinging into a scenario like this doesn’t help anyone to find true love and companionship.

  13. That’s true. There’s a possibility that he could leave the job, rather than her, as he is the one with the biggest conflict of interest.

  14. As an older female, I find it necessary for the up and coming females to respect the “sisterhood”. I immediately think of the wife here. Have you not considered the other female? Even if she has her marital faults (or whatever), it’s none of your business. Would you want someone to do that to you? Treat others the way you would want to be treated. I certainly would want someone to knock me over the head with a piano. Elsa has given you the best advice EVER!!! And I’m not saying that because I like Elsa, although I do, but this is madness!! Call it “tough love” or “tough like” or something like this. Get out now and move if you must. Think of what you’re doing to yourself, the other woman (who btw did nothing to you), your workplace, the community, the “sisterhood”. If you find someone you must have or “love”, then walk away 100% until they are unattached. Otherwise, it’s not love. Please consider these harsh words from the “sisterhood” as the best advice you will ever get. Peace out.

    1. Avatar

      I think the notion of sisterhood is an utter myth, most women hate each other.

      I avoid married men because I believe it’s better for me in terms of karma, not because I give a damn about wives I’ve never met. The poster needs to see the benefits of cutting this guy off for her own sake.

      1. Agreed. I thought about this women hate each other thing and don’t keep around a group ever. I hang with friends separately. Hopefully it’s wrong but..
        The reason I hate other women sometimes is I’m jealous if them and insecure.
        Other than that I need female friends cause men don’t really get it

  15. “The poster needs to see the benefits of cutting this guy off for her own sake.”

    As all the experienced ladies would say, there is really no future here, however it may feel to her in the moment. If she could figure out how to even temporarily get herself out, there would be hope to motivate herself to get out.
    Again, if she doesnt want to leave, she wont and will have to learn the hard way.

  16. I think it’s odd that some posters are mentioning her age as a possible excuse. 25 is not too young to know better!

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