Have you ever seen a person die bitter? The person may refuse to let a certain family member see or speak to them during their last days, knowing damned well this will inflict pain upon the person. In other cases, it may be the person who is not dying that does the withholding by refusing to acknowledge the dying family member.
I know one woman who’s bitter ex-husband’s last words were a request she get help for her “anger issues” since they were adversely affecting their children. He had one foot in the grave, she would be left to care for their children and he still has to lash out!
I can’t imagine withholding forgiveness from someone, especially if I were on my deathbed, though I may not want to see a person or entertain them. Still, I’d send them a message to put their mind at ease.
Have you seen someone remain stubbornly bitter until the end?
My grandmother. She has such a hard life and little emotional savvy to help her navigate it:( RIP.
Not yet.
Me too, Caroline. OTOH I’ve yet to see a family that doesn’t fight about money…
Not in my circle of friends or family members, but definitely in other circles!
If someone wronged me and I’m on my deathbed I don’t think I’d be able to forgive everybody, but I definitely would forgive most. I guess even I have my limitations to forgiveness.
Yes, my ex has such a grudge against his mother for not being a “real mother” (they lived with his grandparents after his parents divorced and his mother had the audacity to have a life) that now when she’s old and sick he’s unwilling to give her any emotional support. I sat with her through her recent surgery – after we broke up. I just couldn’t bear to see a woman who had just lost her husband of 37 years a few months earlier face surgery with nobody there. I am not the least bit sorry about this break up. I think I dodged a bullet.
Personally, I believe in forgiveness. When you hold a grudge I think it hurts you more than it ever hurts the other person. I don’t mean you have to accept abuse – get away if you need to, but don’t be bitter. Forgiveness helps you move forward faster IMHO.
And I had to steal this picture – I love it!!
Yes I have.
No. Even though I was young when my dad died, I didn’t get the sense that he was bitter, he seemed accepting of the family surrounding him. I do wonder about other aspects of it though..
Deciding to make amends only at the end rubs me the wrong way. All the years you could have apologized and didn’t – so what good does it do now?
I have a lot of Pisces, so I’d think I’d be more sentimental about this type of situation. Maybe my Aquarius ASC makes me feel differently than most about this, but I don’t feel an obligation to forgive anyone. I don’t owe anyone an apology because I take care of that stuff right away if I’ve done something wrong.
If someone does give me a sincere apology, I am likely to forgive them. However, if a person refuses to apologize to me, but expects me to just forgive them spontaneously – nope.
If you didn’t care enough about me when you were healthy to apologize to me so we could have a life together, apologizing now means nothing to me.
I’m with you, Isernia. My ex wanted me to visit him when he was paralysed after his brain hemorrhage, so he could make some feeble apology; and probably looking for pity or comfort from me. I had previously given him four beautiful kids, money to chase a lucrative career, and the best years of my life. I poured myself out on this guy, and kept nothing for myself (mu mistake, admittedly). His response was to burn my whole world down, when I decided I could’nt stay married to him anymore. I owed him NOTHING, period. I’m still clawing my way out of the hole that the divorce left me in ! I knew I had forgiveness work to do, obviously, but I was going to come by that forgiveness on my own time table; not anyone else’s — and especially not his.
Yes, I seem to hear of this more. The last incident, the mother wouldn’t see her daughter on her (the daughter’s) deathbed, then the mother was omitted in the obituary.
omg my sister, right now is soooo bitter. She will not lower herself to see my dad who has just gone thru a summer of chemo and radiation, and then fell, broke his hip, ended up with a tube feed and trying to relearn how to swallow. I had to find a good place to rehab him in and he weighs less than me and his stupid oncologist wants him to do MORE chemo. I should be bitter! But my sister has issues (virgo/cancer moon/fish rising) with my aqua dad all the way back from her rebellious teenage years. Funny, she got a great job, made a ton of money, bought houses and cars and hates the world, I dont get it, and she has never been married. She loves to start trouble in the family after and during funerals and no one sees her otherwise. She wrote both parents hate letters and disowned them a few years ago when my cappy brother got hit by a car and died, which devestated them. No one needed her wrath or blame during that time. I dont even bother with her, nothing good comes from her. Do you think its because she works at the post office? lol, she is postal..and mean…
Rosie, sounds like your sister’s bitterness isn’t justified, but then again I don’t know the whole story.
my grandmother. She was in an arrainged marriage. She died first. She refused to be buried next to where my grandfather was to be buried. She had herself cremated although it was against her religion. She told my grandfather she was going to heaven, where she would meet her parents and tell them everything he had done. This did prey on his mind after she died. As he was dieing, he was scared of meeting her parents in the afterlife.
He had good reason to be scared I think…
He was awful.
I’ve noticed that a lot of folks don’t understand what a genuine apology is. A true apology requires the repentant to feel remorse. A statement like: “Whatever I did to hurt you, I’m sorry” does not qualify as an apology.
My sister was like this when my Dad was passing. She could not see him and she could not forgive him. Yes, he treated my mother like garbage and us too. He spent his last years alone and broke although he ate like a king as he loved good food!
Anyway, I feel bad for my sister that she couldn’t let it go. She didn’t have closure. She carries all of this with her everyday. Old baggage that sours her soul. I know it’s tough to forgive when the other person would never think to apologize but sometimes you have to let it go. It’s easier when they are gone to do just that.
Love this! It’s like a curse! 🙂
Omi’s post that is! I love the cultural taboo and lines crossed and closure with a threat!
Yes, Elsa. My mother and I held on to our bitterness towards each other to the very end. It has to do with the attachment to the ego — and even if you’ve read about it, meditated, contemplated and taken a vote, this stuff is utterly personal and can not be controlled. It’s really for you alone and you can not effect outcomes in advance.
On the other side, it’s different, for you and for them. Whatever you think now will not be what you think later. Don’t prepare for it or analyze it. I mean go ahead and do that, but eventually you will realize that whatever you thought about losing a parent was probably wrong.
The time to sort anything out not already sorted, is within the time it happens or at the first opportunity. It’s always struck me as very sad in a pathetic way that people only have the courage to apologise or make amends or require company when they’re about to exit. Too late, mate.
I’d have thought the correct focus of attention at such a time is to keep an eye on the medics whilst contemplating the vast unknown into which you’re about to enter. Pacify loved ones; the regrets should die before you do.
in some parts of the world, it’s completely accepted. It’s viewed as a family karma situation or mortal enemies and no one asks the dying to forgive readily either. I’ve seen people around the bitter dying person saying yeah, so and so is to blame because blah blah blah…without realizing the person really wants a reconciliation but just complains about it as a cover up on their deathbed.
*shrug* I think it depends on spirituality and being exposed to a culture of kindness and forgiveness, not tolerance, for this to happen.
I’ve seen this. It’s a scenario I do not wish to repeat.
I had an incredibly vivid dream that I was facing my own imminent death and it made me realize that death is so intensely personal, that placing an expectation that someone be something other than selfish when facing it – is beyond unrealistic.
My life, flashing before my eyes, was so immense that choosing the memories that I wanted to experience and keep close to me as I died was overwhelming. In my dream, I wanted…no, needed to be alone to sort it out. As a matter of fact, I was alone (in my dream) – but mentally, I was surrounded by every person and experience I’ve ever had.
The idea of a noble death – of a deathbed scene of forgiveness, is a human story, almost a fable. What I learned from my dream is that we are more related to animals, who go off to die alone. The experience/relationship was what it was. The lesson is to fix things as they happen, not wait until the deathbed to make things right.
At death is when you find meaning in the things that actually happened, as they happened.
Experiencing my parents transitions, especially after caretaking my mother for three years, I could not imagine a transitioning person having the energy to carry hate. It just wouldn’t matter any more. It’s no longer an issue. The focus is on releasing into death. But then I talked to an RN that works in an elder care facility and she said hands down yes, some grudge till death. Her take anyway. I got one more source to check with.
While caring for mom, I found it sad that folks threw their issues into her transition time. Like they wanted to control what time she had left here and her death. There is so much anxiety about impending death. But ya’d think they’d show a little more respect than to throw their anticipatory anxiety and childish needs into the situation. Unfortunately, as primary caregiver, I had to take alot of that crap, because she was busy doing what she needed to do.
PS. She had an absolutely peaceful, graceful, and concentrated last breath. It was angelic.
My father didn’t want his brother, who he felt cheated him, notified of his illness and subsequent death.
@ le soleil: I can relate to you. More power to you; now, it is about your life and your dreams to come true.
@ Jude: I love your post and find it very enlightening.
i have not seen “to the end” yet but i have seen someone be bitter for 20 years now. to this day she badmouths her ex-husband. i agree he is a despicable person, but when does it stop being about him and actually about you? the way she seethes in her anger and bitterness – it’s clearly an attachment to the negativity, i guess to the superiority it gives her. she’s really not interested in moving on, it seems.
Many years ago, I had a vision in which I saw a soul made of light floating in the cosmos and being examined; there were lots of little strings coming out from it in different directions. There were also little tiny holes of different sizes within it in different places and little bruises. I received the understanding that the little holes and bruises were places where the soul had been damaged and not healed and the strings were people it was connected to for different reasons. I saw that some of this was anger, bitterness, selfishness, different kinds of thinking, etc. After the vision, I realized that the strings were tying people together mostly through unforgiveness and refusal to let go and I heard the scripture “without spot or wrinkle”. So I got that the holes and strings were things that the soul had to be clear of before it could move on (bad feelings), that the heart has to be clean and that the negative emotions were spots and wrinkles. Now, I don’t know what you believe about reincarnation and soul ties/soul agreements, but I believe that vision had a lot to do with all of it and that we must first recognize, embrace and understand those negative feelings to the point that they can be incorporated into our being and used to spring-board us to a more positive level in relations with others.