Would You Take Your Lover Or Spouse Back After An Affair?

revolvingdoor1.jpgIf my lover or husband cheated on me I would end the relationship instantly, without ceremony. I have felt this way all my life and it has been completely understood by every man I have ever known.

Every man I have ever known has felt the same way I do. But I know that many of you have a revolving door policy.
Though I understand and support a woman (or man) who want to stay in their relationship after an affair and I may even admire them, I would never do it myself. I have told every man I’ve ever known something along these lines:

“If you think you’re going to have an affair and then we’re going to have some tearful reunion… you’re going to screw me while I cry tears over your betrayal and we slowly heal, you’re out of your mind. I realize it’s a movie but it’s not a movie I’m going to be in…”

Venus in Leo of course.

Do you have a policy on this or would you take it on a case by case basis? Has your policy changed over the years?

63 thoughts on “Would You Take Your Lover Or Spouse Back After An Affair?”

  1. I voted no. As a Pisces, it all just works through feelings. I am not as clear on it as elsa, though. I have usually never spoken about this during a relationship, I never forced the situation, because I didnt think that forcing it would get me any security because if it is going to happen then it will. I have had the feeling the guy is seeing someone, and when I have found evidence, which was only once in my life, but it was a used condom (!) it still takes me about a month to leave. The situation has to sink in, but then it sinks in forever

  2. Aquarius sun and venus.

    I wouldn’t necessarily leave. It would all depend on the reason. People make mistakes and hurt those they love sometimes.

    I’ve never been cheated on (that I know of).

    1. Cheating is not a mistake, It is a choice! People are faced with temptation all the time. Those of us who are stable and mature have the common sense to understand that, What we would loos would no where near equal what we would gain form a fling!

  3. Venus conjunct moon in Pices and Neptune conjunct Jupiter in the 5th. Took him back because:

    1. There are no absolutes, everything is circumstantial.
    2. He was truly sorry and promised to make it up to me.
    3. Taking him back would shift the balance of power — to me (Aries sun conjunct mercury).

    Outcome 5 years post event: No regrets.

  4. I left my husband because I busted him cold.
    But it wasn’t the 1st time I suspected cheating.
    It was the 1st time I finally had the proof.
    Its really the only time I have had to deal with cheating. But we had other issues..
    And at the time, I didn’t want tp have sex with him…LOL..I was kind of glad he had someone else because I wanted to leave anyways and it gave me
    the kick in the behind I needed..But I do often wonder as I sit here unmarried what if ? mistake ? regret ? Oh well I had to leave..LOL

  5. I took a cheating lover back once… And kept trying to work with him on his so-called issues for years. I won’t ever do that again. It was a waste of time, energy, money, patience, trust, etc. Complete waste all around. Now if a man of mine wants to screw around, he can go right ahead and do so, but he won’t be my man any more.

  6. Avatar

    I answered no. I learned the hard way. I took him back. The second time he cheated I disappeared on him in a day flat when I found out. I took the cat too.

    It took me a long time to figure out that it was his problem not mine. He was the one who cheated and it was a choice he made. He could have choosen to get out of the relationship (as a close friend of mine did – he got divorced “so I won’t be tempted to cheat”

    I got a very hardline policy out of it. I won’t touch a man who has even a whiff of another woman on him – he’s interested, in a relationship, getting out of a relationship, out of a relationship only 6 months, etc. etc. etc. Not for me and will never be mine and mine alone.

    All the men since then (I was young) have been told flat out – you cheat I’m gone, there are no second chances.

    My current SO is of the same mind set. It’s not worth the effort to cheat – if the relationship is that broken then get out, get counseling, or walk.

    I feel sad everytime I hear/see a relationship struggling with intimacy. But then again that’s what we’re here for – learning. We can learn the hard way or the easy way.

  7. i’ve both been taken back and overlooked some evidence that my lover may have been cheating (two different relationships). maybe these things seemed acceptable because we were relatively young at the time. but i think it’s really up to the people involved to decide what to make of it. i know you would disagree elsa but, i do believe that sometimes these can be one-off things rather than fatal cracks in a relationship. as the victim, i was angry to find out that my lover may have been cheating but ultimately i decided that what we had was strong enough to recover. on the other hand, i have been with men whose glances at other women infuriated me and i would not put up with it for a second. i think the heart can when there is something worth saving or not.

  8. Maybe you look at Saturn for the rules. if your Saturn is in Pisces, fuzzy rules might make sense to you. With Saturn in Aquarius you might like to experiment with new unconventional rules. With Saturn in Capricorn, you can be military about it.

    Maybe also look at the Sun, to see what kind of guy you attract. If Neptune is aspecting your Sun, or Sun is in Pisces, it may be hard to identify the male.

    Maybe also look at Venus and for any aspects to Neptune to see how starry eyed you can get.

    Look at the descendant for the kind of partnership atmosphere you may have natural talents for.

    Look at your man’s 5th house. If for example he has Uranus and Pluto there or Neptune in Scorpio there, then lets hope you have those too, so that there is an equal playing field for risk-taking.

  9. I like to think of it more as I stayed in the situation rather than I took him back. Taking him back would make it seem like I actually made a decision or had some power in the situation. Although I made my dissatisfaction known during the times of disloyalty, I would talk myself out of leaving the situation by letting him charm his way back in to my good graces. The make up sex was great too. Shameful isn’t it? But now after being knocked around enough, I’m tired and have decided its all just not worth it. Now, I say “do ir die”. You cheat, I’m gone, It’s very clear to me now!! I just don’t have one minute of my life to spare on hazy, cheating relationships of any kind.

  10. Probably on a case-by-case basis. I answered “probably not”, but a one-off one-nighter where he used a condom would probably be different for me than a long-term, I didn’t know about it, caught an STD from him affair. The latter would make me lose it big time.

    Then again, I’ve never (afaik) been cheated on, but technically, most of my relationships have been open. I’d rather know and discuss it than have someone sneak around.

  11. A Human Resources manager told me once that you can judge people on their past behavior. They have a tendency to repeat it.

    You can give someone a chance, but how many times do you want to be hurt? If someone hurt you once, they will do it again.

  12. I’ve always said no in the past, but I’ve come to the conclusion that, for the right person/reasons, I could take him or her back. But there would have to be some serious conversation and work before I would even consider it.

    To explain the astrology, I’d have to list my whole chart, so let’s just say there’s support for this. 😉

  13. No revolving doors for me. I like what akyb said up here: I wont cheat so I cant accept someone who cheats. Me too!

    I don’t see it as an attempt to control the other person. It’s a matter of honoring a commitment, showing some respect. I can’t trust or respect a partner who can’t control himself enough to do this. Once trust and respect are gone, everything else is too.

    Venus in Aries in 10th, Capricorn 7th.

  14. Thanks for the interesting responses, guys. Not accepting cheating is, to me, the opposite of controlling. If someone I am with wants to be with someone else, by all means they should, and I will let go 100%. People should go where the passion is, and if it is elsewhere, that means it is not here and that “this,” as we knew it, is over. Or it is different. Or compromised. I have not been in this situation, but it would have to be a very rare circumstance for me to see things as anything but over.

  15. Being pretty open about these things, I said probably not, but here’s why:

    I have no problem with my partner being intimate with other people – as long as I know, and am afforded the same option. Within the rules we set, I don’t consider this cheating.

    But if he did so, and I had to find out later, or he had lied to me about it? No way, I’m done.

  16. “Once the dream is over, it’s over”

    Yes. Capricorn 7th with Neptune DC here, and I feel the same way. Gotta protect your dream, because once it’s shattered…it really is over.
    Exactly as Katherine described – it’s damaged, compromised, irrevocably changed. I guess the Neptune veil drops, and what is left is nothing.

  17. Life can get quite complicated sometimes, and when past issues with fiances don`t get straightened up, confusion can lead to a going back and forth, trying to find out the truth in your heart. Hard to forgive for a saturn in virgo, uranus in pisces in house 7. I was only searching for the truth, I didn`t want to cheat on anybody. Of course I regret it, understand it, and am in great pain. (I had never forgiven anybody else before, so how can I ask for forgiveness?)

  18. Hmmm…. When I was younger I looked at this in black and white, if someone cheats thats it I am outta there. Now I am not so sure it depends on the scenario. What is right for some is not for others. My venus is in cancer in the 2nd house square my mars in libra. My venus is also inconjunct my aquarius moon in the 9th and connected to my pluto and urnaus in virgo in the 4th.

  19. My husband and I have discussed this. I feel if he were just to tell me he was interested in someone else, it’d be better than to find out too late that’s he’s been having an affair. It would be over if that happened. He said if he ever found out I was having an affair, he’d kill the guy and me.

    However, we both have an “if” like let’s say he goes out and drinks until he doesn’t know anything and wakes up to find he’s slept with someone. Well, that’s a different situation than having an affair. (Neither one of us are big drinkers. We rarely go anywhere without the other)

    Also, understanding and forgiving are two different things. I may understand why someone would have an affair, but that does not mean I’d be willing to forgive that person.

    If you are with someone – that’s a commitment, love, trust the whole deal. If you’ve choosen this person to be with then why can’t you trust that person with the truth that you might not feel the same, or someone else is more interesting? Honesty really isn’t that difficult.

  20. Loonsounds, I wonder if this is a good time to mention that one night during your absence I dreamt you came back to Elsa’s blog.

    When I woke up, there you were. I didn’t think it was weird (I’m psychic anyway) but I refrained from relaying this information because I wasn’t sure if it’d be intrusive or not.


    I probably would take a person back. Depends on how much I wanted to keep the relationship. I guess it’s my 8th House Saturn (in aspect to almost everything in my chart). I really understand people who claim “it’s just sex” but if we (a) hadn’t been having sex as of late and (b) he hadn’t been making an effort to do so I would be PISSED.

    As a made up fantasy, if I found out my partner was cheating on me TODAY I’d probably go back to India and ask if we could leave the relationship open and hanging in the balance until I returned. No shit.

  21. Kewl Kashmiri! Not intrusive, I think it’s interesting. Perhaps many parallels in our charts. Too bad you dumped facebook, I’d want to add you to my friends list and scope your chart. That was you dumped facebook, right? Are you actually an India Indian? You said “back to India” is why I wondered. If so, hmmm, maybe could I snag some cooking tips from you, how is it made that paneer masala?

  22. LOL! No, I’m not Indian. “Back to India” because I’m itching to go back. And I can’t right now because of a whole bunch of other commitments to life. Kashmiri because of my love of a particular paper-making technique from there.
    You’re more than welcome to scope my chart out, maybe when we are in the astrology class (you’re taking it, maybe I think?) I’ll give you my email and we can do it that way?

  23. I voted probably not. Venus in Gemini. I was cheated on once, and almost let him get away with it. In the end, it was over. The trust was gone. I can’t say how I would feel if I were actually married to someone who cheated. I hope I would divorce the person – especially if I had kids. They would have to see that cheating is not an okay behavior to inherit.

  24. I said probably not, but you can never say how you’ll feel ahead of time. I have cheated on most of my boyfriends, but one of the few morals I actually hold to is ‘Do not cut another woman’s grass.’ So how would I feel? Probably more betrayed by the girl than my boyfriend.

    That said eeeeveryone cheats. EVERYONE. Okay maybe 98% of the population cheats.

  25. not following the agreements made… that would be a problem. never has happened to me, so i’m not sure what i would do. depends on the situation.
    basically, an act of severe disrespect is a pretty good reason for moving on…

  26. I was confused, exfiancé swearing and doing everything to get me back, someone whom I loved and was seeing go into deep pain. I went into deep pain too, not knowing what to do. But just after seeing him, I realized how much OVER it was, and how much I loved my present boyfriend in every single aspect. What is soo wrong about not cutting loose ends, is that at some point, vibrations and energies get mixed together and “the law of attraction” stops manifesting. That´s called adultery, and it has to do with adultering the energy that both lovers share. Unfortunately, it affected us and it´s over. Right when I had realized he was the love of my life and that I wanted to go all the way with him, anywhere, anyhow, in everyway. Now, what´s left is to wonder whether it wasn´t meant to be at all, anyway. I heard ugly, ugly gossips about him, which made me doubt and got me entangled…..

  27. I voted for NO (Aries Sun, Leo Asc, Scorpio Moon, Piesces Venus). I once was cheated on, tried to rebuild the trust, yet it turned out to be impossible. He was a natural cheater & flirt & my 6th sense whispered: run away… & I gladly did. Never regretted.

  28. No. Infidelity does not constitute a second chance with me. And emotional infidelity would be equally hard to deal with.

    4H Taurus Sun & Gem Mars, 8H Libra Moon & Virgo Juno, 2H Aries Venus square Neptune

  29. I’m pretty open about things like this. Someone mentioned that if their partner were interested in someone else, to mention it to them, and work it out that way.. Y’know, condom, one time thing, and I’d have to be far away from them for a few days afterward.. That, I’d be okay with. Honesty, trust, openness is the key; but if they felt the need to go behind my back and cheat, then I am outta there. There’s just no excuse, even if they drank themselves silly.

    But I’d much rather have someone committed to only me. 🙂

  30. I definately wouldn’t take him back… for one reason, if I caught my man cheating, the result would mean he’ld be missing some vital body parts… Venus in Aries.

  31. I voted yes, maybe – because the jerk I am married too did and I took him back and he continued to cheat with the same person – 7 months later – it is still going on via email and phone and considering my financial situation I am unable to leave! But he ain’t getting this “piece of cake” anymore and if he leaves again to get his “cake” in the other state…then I am heading to the courts without a second thought or look back! Hindsight 20/20 – should have done it the first time but I believed his lies that he wanted to make amends and that I was all he wanted – believed it a second and third time too – what a idiot I am – must be something in my chart that shows my “idiocacy”
    (here’s hoping he leaves soon for his “cake” soon because he is one that can’t go too long without!)

  32. I’m into open relationsships, but there has to be complete honesty..

    So if I was in mono relationship , and my partner cheated on me I think I would end it… It’s not the lying and activity that’s the worst, but the fact you took the librity , not allowing me the same. Also if the person have expressed views of judgement about cheating before ,that is probably what I will feel mostly disgusted about. Hate hypocrits

  33. I’ve never cheated and as far as I know, nobody has cheated on me. I have venus, moon and mercury square pluto and mars so unfortunately I find it too easy to just walk away/severe ties and I think men pick up on this. My husband, an Aquarius, has Libra in the 7th, Venus in Aries and Mars in Cancer–if I ever cheated he would leave me. No second chances. His first marriage ended when he caught his wife exchanging intimate letters with a former boyfriend. That was enough for him–I think his Mars in Cancer is really wrapped up in the sexual security thing. And for Aquarius, honesty/trust is number one in a relationship so cheating would be the ultimate lie/betrayal. I give a lot of credit for those couples who stick it out after a betrayal and manage to repair the damage but I just know I wouldn’t be able to do it. I’ve read that if a person cheats on you, they’ve made a subconscious decision to take that risk because they’ve determined you’re worth losing.

  34. Even if I wanted to I do not think I am capable of forgiving that sort of betrayal. I hope I would behave with dignity but I probabely say some dead true zingers. I hope I would not be violent. I also do think there can be situations which are “one offs”. I do not understand the psychology of serial cheaters.

  35. Maybe. Been on both sides of the coin.

    I fell in love with someone who was separated (for 7 yrs). His partner had an affair and they split. When he and I started to get involved I stopped it due to a feeling they weren’t finished. (I was friends with her as well) And sure enough they got back together (because of kids) They have a rather poor relationship so I could use that as an excuse to get involved with him (still love him) but I just don’t think its a good idea to get involved with things that lack clarity and honesty. Its not a good/bad thing…its a ‘be clear’ kinda thing. I don’t want a relationship based on dishonesty (Scorpio rising).

    That said, I am not sure I believe in long term monogamy…it may be an illusion.I have been single for some time so not sure what I think. I do want someone all to myself. Yet maybe human beings aren’t so easily defined contained? If he was available I don’t think I would want to share him.

    Sun Cancer (need security/loyalty) Venus Gemini (like variety) Uranus conjct Sun( need for freedom) Moon Sag (Loyal- yet need lots of freedom) Mars Pisces(stayed with husband after his cheating…we had kids….we split many years later…pisces=self sacrificing)

    I wa interested in person with Venus in Gemini being so ‘no way”/ Thought Gemini was the cheater of all the venus signs.

  36. Hehe- no way Jose’! if you cheat on me, you obviously do not appreciate my awesomeness and your supply needs to be cut off.
    No pearls before swine, ladies!

  37. Yes, I probably would. Definitely would, as long as he still felt something for me. Emotions are so damn tricky. You can feel so many different things towards different people in the same time. Venus/Uranus in Scorpio speaking.

  38. You’d think with all the Scorpio energy in my chart THIS would be a hands-down answer….. until my Pisces Moon has it’s say.

    Hmmm….. if it was a “got drunk and got screwed” (yeah, right) then maybe. But if it were an ongoing-over-several-weeks….. then definitely Hell No!!

    He can have her if she thought: 1). He had more worldly resources, 2). He had better “chemistry” 3). She was only doing this to “get my goat”.

  39. “I wa interested in person with Venus in Gemini being so ‘no way”/ Thought Gemini was the cheater of all the venus signs.”

    I’ve Venus in Gemini but it’s in exact square with Pluto and Mars. So, in some respects I’m a little Scorpionic. I don’t agree with a lot of the Venus in Gemini stuff I come across. For me, Venus in Gemini shows up in my love of books, reading, deep conversations, travel, foreign culture, new ideas, etc. (My Sun, venus, moon and mercury in Gemini are all in the 9th house.) I’m not flirtatious nor have I ever been drawn to the idea of having multiple/open relationships. I think it’s important to look at the entire chart rather than believe those cookie-cutter “Aries are aggressive, Leos are vain, Geminis are flakes” kind of stereotypes.

  40. Despite a Mars/Pluto opposition which I understand gives my views towards lovers a lot of Scorpio energy, I say it’s a case by case scenario.

    If he were honest with me an confessed what he’d done I would be lenient and deeply consider working through it. I have cheated before and been taken back, but after the first time it never happened again.

    If my man cheats and I find out through other people about the affair and I have to confront him then it’s over. I don’t tolerate being lied to.

    Venus in Aquarius.

  41. Anna. I also have Venus in Gemini so I didn’t say that lightly. I think Gemini gives a need for variety. But yas you said one must look at the whole chart. Your Mars Pluto stuff would certainly put..as you said…Scorpionic energy into the mix.

    I have Venus square Mars (Pisces)(not the best boundaries) and have not had the easiest relationships. I have often been attracted to people already in relationships. My Scorpio rising (and Cancer Sun) makes me very jealous/possessive so I don’t always like the freedom that the other parts of me seem to attract. Its a conundrum.

  42. I voted yes maybe. I took him back and I know that he’s been faithful ever since but I also know that if it ever happened again he would be amputated Scorpio style.
    I also know that I had to do it over I would make a clean break cuz it’s very painful to go through.

  43. Sorry, didn’t mean to sound as if I were critizing your comment, Raven. My Mars/Pluto is in Virgo so I sometimes come across a little prickly/snarky in my communications. Although I’m late Gemini Sun and Libra rising, I have the same issues as you (maintaining boundaries, being jealous/possesive and yet needing a lot of personal space/freedom). I’ve made a few leaps in personal growth these past years but I’m still a work in progress! Maintaining boundaries has been a big one for me for most of my life. I would take on too much (work, family, relationships) in an effort to be nice/perfect and then erupt later after months of playing the martyr. Not good but I have been doing better this past year so there’s hope for me yet!

  44. A few years ago I would have said “on yar bike”… but time and situations move us on.

    Whilst I have never cheated physically, ok, not put my self in the postion to …. I know many do for what ever reasons.

    My own parents were awful – me and my brother were side-lined for their game playing – so I grew up watching and learning how others interact and the reasons why.

    Some just down right selfish – cos they can, some are drawn apart for new lessons as they move on.

    I have a husband that is cheating on me – but he doesnt know I know… personally unless it affects the home budget, I really dont give a stuff, at least he is leaving me alone.

    If I could, I would leave and start a new life – but seems not to be….

    Also, I have men friends that do have other lovers, apart from their wives… they offer me the opportunity, but I say no… As a young Leo, I was quite a looker (still not bad for 50+) but I never ever played my looks for my own gain – my Scorp side kept that in check.

    With Leo sun, and Scorp moon and Scorp rising, I can be quite possesive in my own way, but also very tolerant – but utmost loyalty is to me… for myself. In some ways a bit too much – as I can back off quite forcfully (wasnt called Ice Queen for nothing !!)

    I wont tolerate being lied to or used – but will play the waiting game to see how I can get the upper hand.

    So yes, I would take husband, or lover back depending on the circumstances…

    But betray me by hurting my home – then they will be history (after I make mincemeat out of them first 🙂

  45. I voted probably not…

    I don’t want to be with someone I can’t trust and I’de assume if he’s playing with me on that level he’s probably playing me on most other levels. But there are always exceptions. Depends on the circumstances.

    Aquarius moon, Venus Gemini

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