Dear Elsa,
I am unhappily married with a 7 year old son. Two years ago I had an affair with a man who I fell in love with. I want to grow old and spend the rest of my life with him. But we decided to end the affair, as it was wrong. It has been hard.
We remain friends and communicate regularly and have deep feelings for each other. I asked him what he wants and he said he does not want to hurt me and he does not want a relationship with me. He thinks it best we remain friends. He says he does not want a relationship with anybody.
Our emails are very tender and I am confused. What should I do – forget him and concentrate on my bad marriage? Or live in hope that some day I will have strength to leave my husband and make a new life for me and my son and maybe renew our relationship?
Desperate
Dear Desperate,
Straight away, you need to let go of the guy. Never mind what happened two years ago. He is making it abundantly clear that he does not want a relationship with you. He’s not investing at all, so I am afraid the idea of growing old with him is pure fantasy – and it’s diluting you and your energy.
All these days you spend thinking and pining about something that is never going to happen… it consumes resources on all levels. This energy could be used to solve your problems and create a happier life for yourself. And if you can recover these resources, you’ll have a chance here.
Now as to your options, if you can obliterate this fantasy man from your landscape, what is left? Is your marriage salvageable? How unhappy are you, and why? Why don’t you have the strength to leave your husband and how can you find the strength if this is the direction you want to take?
Can you see that focusing on questions like these would be much more productive than dreaming up some guy who has left the building? I highly recommend you wean yourself off this guy, because he and the idea you will ever have a life with him is a pure hologram. Instead, invest in yourself. Get a therapist for example. Get someone who can help you sort through your feelings about your marriage. These are the things that will pay off.
Good luck.
Listen to Elsa on this, babe. I have Moon in Pisces too and I do the same damn thing. I’ve been doing it for 20 years!! Do you want to waste 20 years on this crap? And I always get confused too: Oh, but he is responding to me yet he says he can only give me X amount of his time/energy–surely he doesn’t mean it!! A lot of guys will tell you who they are upfront, either in subtle or overt ways. He’s getting something from you without having to stick his neck out. It’s that simple. I know you may not want to see it this way bc it doesn’t put him in the best light–it shows some selfishness on his part. To me this is part of my Moon in Pisces too; I HATE to see a loved one in a bad light. I want to believe s/he’s WONDERFUL! Well, it’s dumb and it hasn’t served me. And for the record, this is sooo damn hard for me to do that I am going to therapy and it hurts to discover all the tiny ways I sacrifice myself and end up losing people’s respect. It’s well worth it. Invest in yourself and stop giving your energy to people who aren’t giving you 100%.
also moon in pisces…I can vouch for this. emotional responsibility is very important with this placement, or with any watery/Neptunian thing.
What do you mean by emotional responsibility, Hannah? Maybe I can learn something.
isn’t that just about taking responsiblity for your own feelings? it’s not “this happens to me, that happens to me, what can i do?” more like, “i am putting my energy here, i am creating this emotional situation,” etc.
at least, that’s what i read in it.
Hi Ladies,
You gals are so cute and smart! Ahh yes. I guess I didn’t really go into it too much, did I? Hehe…yeah. I have Moon, Mars and South Node in Pisces.
Well, I think Goddess’ explanation was pretty good. Taking responsibility in the realm of feelings-their impact on you, what you can and cannot change, how much you should involve. These things are big considerations when your feelings are so strong, so acute. You have to keep tabs on it and make sure you aren’t going overboard in any direction. Some examples:
*I sometimes give loads of gifts to people, because I think they are depressed and it’s my responsibility to ‘boost them’..whereas maybe a card and one small gift would’ve been more than enough. If you do these things, you will find that feelings of resentment and passive-aggressiveness will crop up because you feel you ‘deserve’ more, but really you are getting back what you’re giving out, which is dependency, and you are teaching the world how to treat you: as a doormat! 🙂
*I may get depressed/anxious and lose perspective on the world, allow the emotions to ‘overcome’ me, if you will
*I may worry endlessly about what someone thinks or feels about me…once again it is not my responsibility how someone reacts to me, it’s my responsibility to act how I need/want to act, and if they let me down, that’s not their fault, and if it is, it’s still my responsibility to leave or react to it in a healthy way
I find that I can get very paranoid and overwhelmed if I don’t find ways of moving that energy out, or of using a little logic and saying “Is there some point to this fear or this obsession” etc…
So, you already knew what I meant, I think Marly. I’m sure you are very emotionally sensitive. That’s the thing. Getting some objectivity and taming and channeling the strong emotions and vibes you get is part of that emotional responsibility thing.
Anyway…I hope this makes sense.
XO…
Thank you for your comments. Although, a tad hard, I totally relate to what you guy’s are saying. Why have I been such a doormat and how can I change?!
The comments Marly made really struck home! Do you want to waste 20yrs on this crap?! Hell, NO!!!
I have made the decision to leave my husband and make it on my own. I know it will be hard but I know I will regain my self respect and dignity.
Thank You.
Been there done that you can do it and feel great!No more head games with a man who wants it all!