What’s The Deal With Love/Hate Relationships?

love hateThere are people who tend to love/hate the people they interact with. I also think there are people who others tend to love and hate. I’m one of them! I would say at least 80% of my relationships take this form.

My friend, Ben tipped me to this decades ago. He told that the degree that people liked me was dependent on how comfortable they were in their own un-comfort zone (tag – un-comfort). I asked him to clarify.

He explained that I challenged people. I made them uncomfortable. “While I like this, not everyone does,” he added.

I was disturbed by, at the time. I have Libra and I want to get along with people. I want to be congenial.

I also have Capricorn. I’m sensitive to rejection and prone to feeling flawed anyway. For me, this was  like finding out I had this cloud of farts around me, at all time.

Eventually, I realized there was nothing I could do about it. This is my energy! We’re talking about my essence. I would essentially have to cut my head off to alter this. It’s something I exude.

Many years have passes since then. Writing this blog as exposed to me many people around the world and I have seen this pattern constellate, over and over. I’d be okay. I’d be wonderful, if only fill-in-the-blank.

“You’d be beautiful, if only you’d lose some weight.”

A person who says something like that is mad because you don’t fit their ideal.  I’m sure there are people who have heard that over and over, throughout their life.  People want to love a person, but something is wrong… so they dump a bucket of pus on them.

What does this help, anyway? Does anyone derive a benefit? You’re disappointed in the person and what does the pus you toss on them, achieve?

On the upside, there are people who are not at all prone to feeling love/hate for a person.  My husband is like this.

“What do you think when you hear love/hate?” I asked.

“Fruit of the loom,” he responded.  He’s a Taurus, he keeps it simple.

Do you often have ambivalent feelings about others?  Where do you think they come from? Did one or both of your parents love, but hate you?

33 thoughts on “What’s The Deal With Love/Hate Relationships?”

  1. Hmmm. My mother was into conditional love. Just a bad combo of a Cap moon on her side and a lot of water on my side – hurt feelings both ways. I was very aware of not being good enough. But as a sensitive person, I probably would have felt that anyway.

    I cop to having continued this signature with my husband, but I turned it around about a decade ago. One of the best changes I’ve ever made. For myself.

    People who have this drive to “improve” others have described to me the way it feels to them, and it seems like they don’t really realize how it comes across. Many seem to believe they are doing something good for the other person. It’s possible that they honestly don’t realize that what’s going on in their heads is not universal – that we’re all having different experiences of life.

    Hard for me to fathom that people would not know this.

    1. The widely repeated Venus-Mars Love-Hate connection is what first came to my mind when I read the title.
      Glad you gave a different perspective from the other side in the post.

  2. Yes, that is what I was thinking, having experience with people with these aspects in their natal chart. But I’m glad you mentioned emotional distress too because that didn’t occur to me (but makes sense)…It must be sad for the person with this in their makeup/chart to want to love someone yet drive them away…I wonder if they ever will experience true love in its fullest form?

  3. When I was in 7th grade , I shared a locker next to one of the coolest guys in Jr. High,he had long hair, had a lot of girlfriends and hung out with guys in high school. Whenever he got the chance he use to bang my head against the locker, I was a lot smaller than him at that point so he could literally pick me up and bang me against the locker. It was humiliating, especially if there were girls around, not to mention it really hurt. He hated me. I never knew why, but I just kept doing my own thing and I never let it traumatize me. I was a happy kid. Fast forward two years, and I was the center of his universe, we were inseparable, we hung out with a large pack but we were always together, we had our first girls together, smoked pot for the first time together, we shared a lot of adventures. I think because of the way we started out, there was a mystery and depth to our relationship that sometimes, at that age overwhelmed us. I think it was love really. I have seen this pattern play out in my life since then. I think the initial repulsion, is really an attraction, that is intimidating or threatening somehow, hence the acting out, or hatred. I do not know if this is such a bad thing Elsa when you hit a nerve like that.

  4. “I do not know if this is such a bad thing Elsa when you hit a nerve like that.”

    I agree. This blog would not exist without this quality! 🙂

  5. Fascinating topic, Elsa. I think I love/hate people and am loved/hated in kind. Like you, I cannot help it – I challenge people.

    Part of it comes from who I am, part of it certainly comes from my parents. My mom loved/hated me (Moon Opp Pluto).

  6. I am simple in my emotions. Taurus Asc. However, I do challenge people without meaning to, just in the way I live my life. Some tell me I help them to feel more free, others really don’t like it/me. If they stick around long enough to get to know me then most do really like me, but I have had issues with women feeling intimidated by me, then liking me, becoming my friend, but still retaining an edge of jealousy that was poisonous.

  7. I have this “drive to improve others” referred to by Steam {Sun/Mercury conj in Virgo, 12H}, as well as to improve myself. It’s an innate urge of which I wasn’t conscious of earlier in my life. However, I was aware of the fact that I produced extreme reactions in others.

    These days, I understand that & I make a conscious choice to keep my ‘recommendations’ to myself unless prompted to share. But like Elsa said, we’re talking essence here, so even if I don’t act on this drive my essence remains.

    Add to that a strong Neptunian influence {Ven conj Nep conj Mars-Sco2H; Sat/Chi-Pis6H}… I think people pick up on that energy & remain at a distance. Sometimes that irritates my Libran “can’t we all just have a good time” AC.

  8. If I’m ambivalent about someone, I know I either need a reality check or I simply don’t like the person and am afraid to admit it. In other words, it’s either me or them, and I will soon figure out who’s what.

    Ambivalence in relationships is shitty, I don’t want that in any way, shape, or form.

  9. I give off the weird vibe. Those that like me are at least somewhat comfortable with this. I can tell visually who is put off by me upon first sight, pretty much. They just get the NO vibe about me. What can you do? You are what you are.

  10. LMAO @ Fruit of the loom!

    I don’t love/hate. I am sure there are people who love/hate me but I stick to the ones who love me…used to have love/hate friends but they are no longer in my life. The hate hurt me a lot.

    My mother didn’t love/hate me but she hated being a mother, that’s for sure. She treated us really badly but I don’t know if it’s because she hated us, or she hated herself. I think it was the latter. She was suicidal when I was young.

  11. I find it funny when these “You’d be beautiful, if only you’d lose some weight” think they’re doing you a favor by saying it. If you return the “compliment”, suddenly they act all hurt and offended and think you have anger issues. LOL

    I admit to having those thoughts about certain people who don’t fit my standards, but I know from personal experience that it’s better to keep my mouth shut.

  12. A lot of my best relationships and friendships have started out as enemies or instant dislike. I think Charles Windham hit the nail on the head for me. In some relationships there’s a magnetism that can go either way.

  13. No I am I don’t usually have ambivilance towards others. I either like them…or I don’t. My mother and I have a love/hate relationship. It has never come out in the open but I have Moon/Pluto conj. and her Moon is in Scorpio in my 12th house. She is alternately my saving grace and my undoing. One day she is showing me unconditional love and the next narcissism with comments like “seeing you so over weight really hurts me. You don’t know how much I would love to see at your normal weight. No man will ever be interested in you at that weight.” I have heard this when over weight. When I was under weight in High School she said that I looked anorexic and should gain weight. When I did she said that I should try to get a few pounds off. I just never fit her ideal. But she is my mother. I give her a little sting back to let her know I am not happy with her comments. And she will back off.

  14. thank Goodness you are Elsa then – cos it’s important to challenge people just by being who you are.

    It’s my story (most of the time) – took forever to accept this in myself. It comes with being a Messenger of Personal Growth and a Leader
    Aqua Sun, Taurus Asc. Love the Fruit of the Loom.

  15. “He said I challenged people. He said I made people uncomfortable and while he liked this, not everyone did.”

    Yep, I understand this far more now, since I’ve been studing astrology and learning about all my pluto aspects. It’s been very eye opening and helpful. Knowing this, I try very hard to keep my feelings towards others steady. That seems to help with everyone, except my own parents (and yes, they both had love/hate feelings for me)

  16. Always have felt people just love/hate me also. It is what it is. If I say to people, “what you see is what you get; I have been who I am since I was 4” then I need to expect either total bonding or jealously/insecurity.

    Also, challenging -whether we are challenged or we do the challenging- is not a bad thing. Difficult, yes. But necessary. It’s called evolving.

    I had my one and only child just a few months after I turned 18. She challenged me in her teen years. I’m 40 now and she’s 22. We are frank, close, silly, intense, etc., now. Felt at one point we had a love/hate thing; I chose to love/love regardless of some of the things she said/did to me as a rebelling teen. Guess my point is “the uncomfortable place” makes one face who they are in a given relationship/what they perceive in a given relationship.

    Cannot put a price/value on her or I expressing strong “essence” or “energy” (Elsa, you are right-on the mark with that – these two things either repulse or illuminate people); suffice it to say I’d rather someone be real and bring the noise. Myself, I admire individual essence and energy. We need to stop molding someone into a success or disappointment story. Sick of that crap.

  17. ETA, and yes, I had a parent who clearly expressed how she “loved and hated me”. I had issues early in life because of it. Deep depression (suicidal thoughts) at 14 directly due to it. Don’t know how I am here today, but maybe my Taurus Mars in the 7th fought. But, Gabrielle said something about “personal growth”; yup, value that personal growth. It is a gift we all have.

  18. People say this about me too. They say I call them on their crap just by being around. They say they can’t pretend around me because I can see right through their veil. Yes, I have two parents who love/hate me.

  19. Story of my life – Cap stellium in House 5!

    But having one parent who loved me and one who hated me made me aware of it very early, which helped me to learn to negotiate it.

  20. @Elsa: What a wonderful article thank you so much for writing this. I relate all too well to what you wrote, I really think it’s unfortunate that people see something challenging/different as a threat/bad.

    I have found that people either instantly like me/hate me. I’m use to it now but it can be somewhat trying at times, I have unfairly judged others but I never hate someone automatically, I think that is a horrible thing to do.

    I found that a lot of the time people will instantly like me and then when I don’t live up to their image of me, they suddenly start to dislike me, It’s pretty unfair people all time jump to conclusions about me, It’s been that way all my life, I have gone through many friends and have only one friend that had been through the thick and thin with me, that is someone I know I can trust no matter what, I don’t know what placements in my chart cause people to automatically to judge me but it’s annoying.. I think it may be due to my pluto placements.

  21. I’ve never read so many comments, where I wanted to say “Me Too!”, so often! It’s still surprising, to see how insensitive. people feel they have the right, to be!

  22. EEK! My ex-husband was like this…always had a long list of what I needed to fix about myself. And boy was I a tap dancer, trying to contort myself into a pleasing configuration for him. I have psoriasis and it breaks out when I’m under heavily stressful situations,(which this was only the second time the 1st being my parents divorce)when we split up I was covered in huge patches all over my legs and torso. 5 months after we split they had cleared up. Not only mentally and spiritually did this type of love/hate thing mess me up but my body was physically reacting. Let’s just say I’ve learned my lesson about allowing that kind of energy into my world. I know I’m not perfect but damn get off my back. Hence the breaking off of a 20year friendship and a huge break with my mother both during Saturn in Libra.

  23. I’m pretty sure it’s 95% hate if I go by people’s daily responses and incidents.

    What is strange is I’ve noticed that most people are conditioned to learn to love, or behave as though they can love, or they feel bad that they hate someone so much for no apparent reason, that it is enough to make them attempt to learn more about people who pull these feelings. But after a while the hatred intensifies and something has to go.

    I think it’s venus-neptune-pluto in my chart that does this. They hate me, but they love what they privately get out of the fantasy of hating me, of who I might be if they changed me, or if I were someone else of their choosing.

  24. “You’d be beautiful, if only you’d lose some weight.”
    Made me laugh. I’ve heard so many versions of this regarding every aspect of my life.
    Got some venus-neptune, 8th house, libra and capricorn here so I feel ya.
    It used to be heartbreaking growing up (got some virgo too) because almost everyone saying that obviously cared and meant well.

  25. Thank you kind stranger on the internet. Your comment made me smile 🙂
    I think everyone commenting on this post or going ‘me too’ on reading this page needs an unconditional ‘Hey, I am sure you have so many wonderful qualities’ though people have been hard on you.

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