25-Year Old Asexual Scorpio Wonders If She Should Get Over It

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Dear Elsa,

I’m a Scorpio rising, and have Sun, Venus and Jupiter in Scorpio. Apparently, I’m meant to be a super sexual person. But I’m the most sexually repressed person I know!

I’ve had sex only once, a drunken one night stand three years ago. I have had no desire to have sex before or since. It doesn’t usually bother me as I have no real desire to have sex with anyone although I do masturbate, which is satisfying enough for me. Sometimes I do feel I’m missing out when my friends talk about sex, as everyone else seems to love and desire it apart from me. A couple of relationships have failed in the last few years because I didn’t want to be physically intimate. I like dating, talking, doing stuff together but that’s where it ends for me, and of course I know not many men will accept that and I don’t really expect them to either. I don’t have any past issues I can think of that have made me this way.

Recently, a male acquaintance drunkenly pointed out in front of my friends on a night out that he knows I won’t have sex with anyone. He hit on me once and I turned him down, but the thing is, he’s right. I just felt exposed and humiliated that someone who doesn’t even know me all that well observed this about me, as I’m a private person and keep myself to myself most of the time.

The real problem is, I’ve just started seeing a guy in the last two weeks and I’m already starting to feel apprehensive. I know the subject of sex will come up soon, he’s already sending me sexually suggestive text messages. I don’t want yet another relationship to be spoiled even before it gets off the ground because of my asexual ways, and at 25, I feel I probably should really be getting over this. Why can I not tap into my supposedly sexual Scorpio energies? Is there something in my chart that is blocking them?

Asexual Scorpio
United Kingdom

Dear Scorpio,

I am not sure you’re broken so I would take care in trying to fix anything. No you are not “blocked”. It is exactly opposite that. You are an exceedingly ethereal and float-y person and it may be that physical sex is somewhat gross to someone so transcendent.

Basically here’s your deal: You have a packed 12th house, and Neptune (dissipate) conjunct your Mars (sex drive). Your whole chart is beautifully strung and this is reflected in the fact you are so comfortable with what you are. It’s very, Alfred E. Newman, famous for his line, “What? Me Worry?”

And if you re-read your post you will see it is almost as if you are trying to “get it up” and concern yourself with what others think you should be concerned with and you can do this if you want. Part of you likes to experiment so go right ahead. I would only warn you not to take on someone else’s idea there is something wrong with you because this is not the case.

There are men and women out there who eschew sex and feel perfectly fine. A Catholic nun would be a good example of this… she simply has other (larger) things on her mind.

And just remember this: Scorpio wields power. But sexuality is just one expression of that.

Good luck.

26 thoughts on “25-Year Old Asexual Scorpio Wonders If She Should Get Over It”

  1. Aww darling…well you know you’re not alone. There are people all over the world that don’t desire to have sex. It’s not a problem, I think society has a big part on things. You think you should, because it’s the “it” thing to do or it seems mysterious and taboo. People have different wants and needs, and having sex for you isn’t one of em.
    S’matter of fact, I’ve read an article in “Bitch” magazine where they talk about issues asexuals have in a society that’s driven by sex.You should check it out. Seek out other asexuals like yourself. This is the digital world, search and find, resources,…and if this guy can’t accept the fact that you don’t want to have sex,there’s more to a relationship than just sex, then it’s on him.Good luck.

  2. Dear Double Scorpio,

    Oh yeah, there is a group I saw on tv on asexuals meeting up and forming friendships. Sorry, I can’t remember where exactly I saw it or what their URL is, but there are others out there. You might want to find them. Maybe it was on Montel???

    AND, I wouldn’t be so quick to close out the possibility of having sex in the future. Perhaps you just haven’t found ‘the one’ who flips your switch. Don’t worry about it and get all apprehensive up front, or you’ll never see the magic when it appears.

    Oh, and for your future reference, that dude that outed you wasn’t really outing YOU personally, he would have done that to anyone who turned him down as it was inconceivable to his tiny ape-freak brain that you are one of the more selective types.

    Could you try to remain open to the possibility of sex and yet explore the asexual thoughts if over time that theme keeps being predominant?

    IOW, what would happen if you don’t lock yourself into one mindset or the other, but keep options open?

    I’m not so certain that our manipulated foodsources and biological evolution isn’t reacting to changes in human population levels and what we see with more people feeling asexual isn’t a result of those influences.

  3. Sorry but I don’t understand why you guys are saying this isn’t a problem. She doesn’t want to be a nun, she wants to be in a functioning relationship. it is a big problem.
    Me, I’ve gone through all kinds of sexual dispositions through my life.. from a ninfomanic to frigid, from bi to lesbian to hetero, don’t know what in my chart shows it, but it happened and lasted a few years each. For me it was about hormonal levels. Things are getting into what could be called “normal” now. Even though I miss my ninfo phase, it can be disrupting. But no sex at all is a shame, and there’s no reason for it if she’s nto a nun.
    I think Asexual Scorpio could use some medical help here. Also having her first and only time be drunk with all it implies problably didn’t leave a good impression of sex, drunkun sex is the worst expression for mars-neptune.
    I’d consider regression therapy too because of all the planets in the 12th. My first astrology teacher does regression therapy on people with lots of planets in water houses, and she swears by it. For me regression therapy never had instant results in healing as some people clame, but it brings awareness about things. and that’s half the way.
    hell you might even find you are meant to be a nun. But as long as you don’t feel it I hope you keep looking for answers for this, because they are out there.

  4. Viv – you may be right and it could be hormonal – good call. I know nothing about regression therapy and can’t comment on that.

    I do understand about wanting to be in a relationship and I wish her all the best.

  5. “Sorry but I don’t understand why you guys are saying this isn’t a problem.”

    Because some people don’t want sex, and that is all there is to it. They are not sick; there is not anything wrong with them; they do not need to be medicated to “cure” them. She would probably be much better off with a person that understands and accepts this, rather than forcibly trying to fit the mold, just so she can be with a guy who doesn’t accept her for who she is.

  6. I agree with Hans, and many asexuals just don’t have the desire. They don’t want to have sex. There’s a difference between being celibate and being asexual…in truth not a choice. So I disagree with you dreamsAreality. She has tried it, no desire. It reminds me when people would say to gays and lesbians. Oh maybe you haven’t met the right male/female. In some cases that’s true but I guess people simply don’t understand other’s motivations because they haven’t had to go through that situation.

    Asexuality is present in the world. The reason we don’t hear about it is because it’s not a problem, you don’t necessarily see lots of asexuals having diseases and such if they don’t have sex. Also I don’t like how montel handled that situation with asexuals…I felt that he wasn’t being very understanding and forcing his views on those who didn’t want it, and so are you Viv, even if your mind and heart are in the right place and you didn’t mean to offend.

  7. Well she did say she was drunk and for that reason as Viv stated it was likely not enjoyable for her, and sex could ‘conceivably’ be enjoyable if with the right person – if she ISN’T asexual.

    Which is always a perfectly viable option…I can see that there are people who are and happy with it.

    She seems to be searching and yet appeared ready to label herself and perhaps isn’t really sure that she should? Maybe she is one and maybe she isn’t? I certainly don’t know. I did offer the Montel sighting as I caught only a bit of the show.

    I don’t know how he handled it, but I did want to offer her the knowledge that there are certainly groups of asexuals out there that do form friendships, and to try to point her there if that’s where she felt most comfortable heading.

    But I also know virgins or ‘virtual’ virgins can get extremely apprehensive in the thoughts that someone may approach them when they aren’t ready or necessarily feeling ‘it’ for THAT person and it can be Very Inhibiting. If she isn’t asexual, I was hoping she wouldn’t get so caught up in the anxiety as to not be able to enjoy it should it come to her. She could get caught in a vicious cycle. Want relationship-feel anxious-unable to feel excitement.

    As to what you said Hans, I agree that if someone is comfortable in their asexuality, then so be it and I don’t think they are sick and need to be fixed. Yet there are others who would like to be in sexual relationship and don’t necessarily have the appropriate physical responses that go along with and could conceivably helped w/hormonal supplementation.

    Is there a doctor in the house who could perhaps enlighten us to the differences?

    If she ain’t feeling it, she ain’t feeling it. I think Elsa addressed that part quite rightly.

    She did say she is seeing a new guy. Maybe that is in search of merely friendship and the fellow needs to be told, “I am exploring the thought that I may be asexual and only want friendship.” It’s possible that she is not telling them that and wanting to be close to them may be misleading if she isn’t up front about it. Maybe she is STILL EXPLORING her sexuality? Yea or Nay.

    It looks TO ME as if she’s still searching out her feelings and I stand by my original posting. If she wants to pursue typical male/ female relationships then do so, just try not to be overly anxious about the sex part. She might yet find some enjoyment there. If she doesn’t? …then go for finding some asexual friends of the male persuasion and hang with them.

    Hang in there Double Scorpio, you can and should figure this out in a way that makes YOU comfortable. And like Viv stated it could be the timing. I’ve certainly felt differently sexually in different phases of my lifetime. I’ll go ahead and apologize on the chance that I’ve offended you, as that was certainly not my intent.

  8. I think the answer to my question “Why do you say this isn’t a problem?” is that you think there is no solution for it, and it’s just the way it is. There is such a thing as sexologists, who deal with people in this situation everyday.
    It is a problem for this specific person because she wants to have a normal life and it is stoping her. that’s the only reason it’s a problem.
    I can relate to that, and want to help. I doubt I was offensive.

  9. While there’s nothing “wrong” with not wanting sex w/a partner, it will almost certainly get in the way of formming romantic partnerships. Most people, and especially people in their mid-twenties, will consider at least some sex a requirement for any signifcant relationship. I Since you masterbate, you have a sex drive. You’re just expressing it without a partner.

    If you decide you do want to “get over it”, i.e. look at your feelings about physical intimacies with others and see if you can find ways for it to be enjoyable to you, you may want to consider seeing a therapist or a sex therapist to help you figure it out.

  10. The fact that she is masterbating doesnt to me sound like she is asexual, it sounds like she hasnt met the one she’d like to, or be comfortable enough to share that very deep intimacy with. Scorpios need depth and take a long time to let someone in to their private parts (if you’ll excuse the pun, ha) so it seems what she requires is a longer courting time to decipher whether they’re the right one to take that step with (if ever). When one abstains from sexual activity it does tend to lessen the desire for it and if you’ve never had any that rocks your world, your desire for it will lessen that much more. Fine if she is happy with that (and many people are and live in perfectly happy celibacy) but for the people she dates who would naturally assume that the relationship at some point will develop that way it may be confusing. She has to be open about her terms from the start so the other has a choice whether to get further involved or not. It does sound like she is comfortable with the way she is but just uncomfortable declaring that to the world. But her potential partner should know the score from the start.

  11. Reading the new comments, I’m beginning to realize that the actual problem isn’t about sexuality at all. It’s about social pressure.

    “Most people do so-and-so, but I don’t like it, which places me outside of the main group. Is there something wrong with me, since everybody else likes it? Should I try becoming like the rest, or pretend I am, so I can fit in and have more options?”

    Personally, I believe that peer pressure should NEVER be a reason to do something you don’t want to do, but other people’s mileage may vary, of course. (I have three planets in Aquarius, which might have something to do with it…)

  12. Double Scorpio I’ve read a lot about the chakras, and if delving into subjects of this kind of matter (spiritual, metaphysical, etc) is attractive to you, and you could find a book in your public library
    about ‘chakra balancing’ or ‘healing of the chakras’ (which is the same as balancing them).
    Or, google ‘root chakra’ and take a peek,if your interested. Just another route to suggest, a spiritual route to a physical problem.

    I’m really sorry that drunk idiot said anything to you.

  13. Hans, sexuality is social as much as biological and psychological.
    The fact Double Scorpio masturbates is a really good sign. We’d need to know how often she feels like doing itand loads of other information that a doctor would ask to cross out other causes, but I think it’s safe to say she has hypoactive sexual desire and the drunk sex experience may have led to some further aversion to sex. It doesn’t sound too serious. This kind of situation is pretty common in women at some point in life. I’ve been there and i’m not 30 yet. I started my sexual life at my most frigid point in life, I know about how low sex drive easily leads to sex aversion. I love sexology, and have read a bit about it to top my own experience.
    I’ll be having neptune conjunct my mars soon. I hope I can channel that into yoga (spiritual exercise) also i’ve heard yoga increases the libido, because it activates kundalini. maybe kashmiri knows more about that.

  14. What people don’t seem to understand is your life is meant to be lived in phases….nothing is permanent. It’s so tempting to put this round person in this round hole, this square one wherever they fit, like putting together a nice template of the world where everything fits together and you feel comfortable and safe knowing that that person is like that, forever and ever and ever. That’s one of the downfalls of a certain use of astrology – it isn’t meant for enlightenment or education but to make the world feel “safe”.

    I knew one celibate Scorpio (may’ve known two but forgot the other – seems like there was one other somewhere) who hadn’t had sex with his wife in years. All it took was a change in environment and energy and the interest took root, with a vengeance. Since Pluto rules Scorpio you have to look at the nature of that planet – and it alternates between complete inertia (drought) and activity (or as Elsa said it, power). What’s in between these two states? Radical change.

    I wouldn’t rule out a sex life for a 25 yr old Scorpio if the time comes to explore it (and the right person, geez, people forget that).

  15. Kundalini yoga does activate the root chakra and does a whole bunch of other things for your health and well-being that I don’t know about, because I’ve never really explored that type of yoga.

    However, kundalini yoga was ‘prescribed’ to me by a therapist/healer/teacher who felt that my lower three chakras (including the root chakra) were blocked. She was right: they were blocked. I never did the kundalini, but I plan on it in the very near future now that Pluto has got the hell off my 26 degree Sag ASC and I feel more open to it!

    One philosophy related to the chakras is that you ‘receive’ information through the root chakra (the base) and it flows through the body, through the other chakras, and is released through the crown chakra. Like a really nice water filter! (I think this is the primary focus of Kundalini yoga, but there are precautions that are needed. I have a friend who went to Kundalini yoga and it rattled her so much she took a week off of work–energy work is a big committment).

  16. look you are not alone, i’m a female, 24 and haven’t had sex. And I’ve got Scorpio rising, Venus in Taurus and Sun in Aries. And no i’m not religious. I just haven’t found anyone who intrigued me enough to want to have sex with them. I’m also an artist so I have other channels for my sex energy. So, there’s nothing wrong with you.
    So unless I come across someone that truly piques me on the emotional and sexual level, i rather stay put, then have a completely shitty first experience with someone i don’t even like.

    Sometimes it is about standards!

    Take Care

  17. gosh, i thought i was asexual until i was 21. even afterwards it took me awhile to get a good grip on it (not that i do now, exactly, i just understand it a lot better.) i eventually realized that my sex drive is very picky. or very pisces mars, anyway. extremely sensitive and likely to absorb way too much negativity if i’m not very careful who i’m close to. with that neptune mars i’d say look for what feels deep and resonates with you and forget about feeling like you should want what everybody else wants. what’s the fun in that?

    and elsa’s right- energy is energy- you don’t need to get it through sex. and sometimes it’s a lot purer without the weird complications physical intimacy can throw at you.

  18. Maybe you just havent met the right person to let go with. I dont think there is anything wrong with not wanting sex, but it seems as if you do. You have drive. But.. being a scorpio, maybe you just need to have a relationship where you trust and feel safe enough with the person completely to let go enough to want to have sex with them.
    Being drunk and having sex says to me that you wanted to have it, but needed help in letting go and relaxing.

  19. I didn’t lose my virginity–completely by choice–until I was 25. I was one of those technical virgins, letting go in every other sexual area except actual penetration…

    Phew! 😉

    Combine Mars/Sun in Leo, 5th house, with Venus/Pluto in Virgo, and that explains this former technical virgin.

  20. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this double Scorpio. Seems to me that Scorpios or strong Pluto people go either way with sexuality. There’s nothing wrong with waiting for the right person. I didn’t want to do something that intimate with just any old body. I’m glad I didn’t.

  21. Have you considered that the drunken sex experience could have turned you off of sex? Bad experiences can count for an awful lot. You have a sex drive, but it looks like you’re scared of sharing it with others maybe? Keep an open mind…there are millions of ways to relate to other people, sexual or not, and when you meet the right person they will understand you and you will find the best way to connect with them. Stand up for what you feel is best for you – you know it better than anyone else.

  22. I would urge you not to label yourself. I made that mistake and am only just now discovering that I am not a full-blown asexual, but more of an intermediate.

    If you want information related to asexuality, I’d strongly advise checking out asexuality.org. It’s the largest organization of asexuals in existence.
    I’m not saying that it’s a community for you. It’s a source of information.

    The better informed we are, the better our decisions can be.

    For the record, many asexuals do masturbate, and though I don’t know much about astrology, that may be sufficient expression of your signs.
    “I have had no desire to have sex before or since.” This to me sounds very much like a comment from an asexual (which probably explains why almost everyone here has ignored it completely), and I would therefore strongly advise checking out asexuality.org.

    It is incredibly important, however, regardless of how well it seems to fit you, that you delay labeling yourself. Even though you may say to yourself “labels are fluid, they can change at any time”, this mindset is much easier to declare than actually accept.
    Look around on the site, check out the forums, and see if it seems right. If it does or doesn’t, you’ve established something important in understanding your own sexuality.

  23. Avatar
    another doublescorpio

    i am astonished..you know what.. that may be something related with chart.. i would relaly like to see if we are alike.. i am a double scorpio aged 25. i have nearly all my planets in 12th house. i thought i should be hyper about sex but no. no matter what, i seem to be not turned on. i was thinking if i am asexual.. but sex has always been in my mind and i do fantasize..regarding reality i ve got the idea it is humiliating sometimes.. i should feel great passion (and respect may be)directed to me to be turned on may be but real world and real people lack it. think.

  24. Yea. I’m also a Scorpio & I am the total opposite, I am actually feeling very vomitish about the thought of people actually saying these horrible things! You are ok to not want to have sex??!! Ive never heard of such a thing! Don’t get me wrong! Ive unfortunately only had it once this whole year. I mean, come on, if you can masturbate..then you have the urge! You are pleasing yourself…which…grosses me out. Nothing about you…I just personally hate it..I would much rather have a sexy male touching me then my own self. Uh….is there something you need to change about your appearance to make you feel more sexy yourself? Like do you need to fix something? Hair? Nails? Make up? Get to the gym! Work out! Go shopping!!!!!! Get pumped up about something. I would say change your hair color for sure. Get a new look. If you feel like you want to be able to make a relationship work…SEX IS A HUGE PART OF A RELATIONSHIP. NO GUY IS GOING TO ACCEPT IT.UNLESS HE GOT HIS MALE PARTS SHOT OFF/OR ACCIDENT…make yourself feel more sexually attractive. And meet someone nice. Dont just jump to do something because your friends are. Go to counseling!! I am! & I feel great!!! Im finding out so many things about myself. its exciting! I think you are comfortable, but not happy with it. Get someone to help you if you need help with your makeover…or just go to a random posh salon & tell them you need a sexy hot new look. Do it!!! Sex is a wonderful thing. Maybe you are thinking of it as more of an act & not noticing that it is actually a show of emotions. So if you are with someone, dont you want to show them how special they are to you? How good they make you feel? How else do you expect to do that unless you are giving them the most fulfilling orgasm theyve ever had? Unless you make the best tacos in the world. Or expect to feed them ribs everyday for dinner. Think about it. Or actually DONT THINK ABOUT IT SO MUCH. LET IT HAPPEN & ENJOY YOURSELF.

  25. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have casual sex. Give yourself permission to accept that you will have sex only when you want to and that is the way it is. Don’t label yourself as asexual. You are not. You just haven’t met the right one yet. Let yourself be you. Your Scorpio-ness is a a power to wield carefully and you are doing just that.

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