Dear Elsa,
I started dating a guy about a month ago, and there have only been a handful of days we haven’t spent together. He calls me every day and is very good for my ego. He tells me I’m beautiful, I’m the best woman he’s ever met, how kind I am, that I would be a good wife, how great the sex is (it is AMAZING!), etc. We have great conversations, he’s very funny, intelligent, and has a good job. He’s a great communicator, which is such a wonderful change from my previous relationship.
The problem is that he got divorced and I don’t think he’s over his ex-wife. He talks about her a lot and how much she hurt him. He’s told me he’s afraid to get attached again and have his heart broken. I totally understand where he’s coming from because I’ve had two long-term relationships that have ended very badly. Both guys cheated on me and I’m so afraid of it happening again. I have no trust
whatsoever.
My family was visiting this past weekend and he wanted to meet them, so he did. Everything went well. They all really liked him and he liked them. He was supposed to meet us the next day for lunch, but he flaked on me. He called me later to apologize profusely and told me that he just got scared because he liked my family so much. Again, he’s afraid of getting attached.
He said things were moving too fast for his mental health and asked me to give him a couple days. I said that was no problem and gave him his space, but he ended up calling me the next day and wanting to see me. He has been seeing a therapist, but I think it’s been a while since he’s seen her. He keeps telling me he needs to go, but he hasn’t. I’ve agreed with him and told him he should go, but he hasn’t. Obviously, I can’t force him.
He also seems to be a bit flaky. Aside from him not meeting my family for lunch that day, he’s never on time. He’ll tell me he’ll be at my place in 40 minutes and sometimes it ends up being a couple hours. He called me yesterday and said he’d call me last night, but he never did. These kinds of things bother me. He doesn’t seem very dependable. I’m not sure if this will change, and if it doesn’t, I don’t know if I can handle it.
We haven’t exactly discussed what kind of a relationship we have, but he has referred to himself as my boyfriend and me as his girlfriend. I don’t want to scare him away by talking about these things, but I’d like to get some answers. I’m not sure if he’s being 100% honest with me. He has told me he uses drinking as a crutch sometimes and this also worries me. I think I’ve only seen him drink 5 or 6 times, and it’s never excessive.
Should I continue with this relationship or is it a lost cause? I really like him and it seems we have an amazing connection, but I know it’s only been a short period of time. I’m such a worrier and just so afraid of finding another guy who’s going to lie to me again. I really don’t want that. Sorry this is so long and thank you!
Has A New Man
United States
Dear Has,
You really ought to read your own writing because what this says is this guy you’ve known for a month is the best man in the world except for these 700 ways he sucks. If you continue to think in this way, every relationship you ever embark on is going to be doomed. I’m not trying to be bitchy. I’m trying to help you. You are a human being dealing with another human being. He is not the best, best, best, best. He is a man. You are not the best, best, best, best either. You are a woman. Would you like to come down to earth and try to have a real relationship or no?
Because sex in the early stages of most relationships is “mind blowing”. But a lot of that has to do with the fact that often both people are starving for sex when they meet, so what do you expect?
So the people have sex and then here comes the gushing phase. Oh my God, you’re my everything. I have found you, now I will be saved. Does this sound real to you? Here is a reality check:
On the upside, the guy is honest. He does need some time off for his mental health. He does need a counselor. It also sounds as if he is telling you that he has a drinking problem (I’d believe him) and he is still pining for his ex-wife.
You, on the other hand, are his counterpart. By that I mean to suggest your whole being swept away by his compliments on your beauty and sexual skills is its own pathology, don’t you think?
Now you’ve got Venus in Capricorn, which sees love as a business in many ways. So I know what you’re thinking: ‘Is this relationship worth investing in?” That is an okay question to ask but I can think of some others. Taking the time to ask (and answer them) will be a better investment than any thought you could possibly think about this guy. So here they are.
How can I keep my relationships real?
What is real love and how can I manifest it.
What work do I need to do so that I can be part of a relationship that works and lasts…
Much harder, huh? But you’re a Capricorn so I know you get it.
Good Luck.
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A month is a relatively short time and it seems appropriate time to me to express things that are important to you like calling when he says he is going to and it is important to you that he be punctual. These are basic compatibilities and it seems dangerous to overlook these basics this early in a relationship. Its the exact kind of thing that festers resentment and when you begin having trouble holding it back the other person feels blindsided like you are not who they thought you were which is essencially true. I am married to an Aquarian Sun & Moon he does need space but only retreats when he detects dishonesty. Aquarians like honesty, they don’t get lying to be polite at all. You both need to be willing to be your true full selves and if it is not a fit it is so much easier to deal with 1 month in that to continue to try and build something inauthentic. Best wishes to you both however it plays out.
aw this sounds sad. i hope OP sees what the relationship is going to be worth for her. He does sound like he’s pining for his ex, but he’s not all in for the current relationship (why he doesn’t sound serious at all, and flakes out and is unreliable) he wants to, really really wants to, but his heart is not into it. to me it sounds like he can’t move on because he has not healed from his previous pain. Some guys never get over it. I wouldnt know how to advise with this stuff. Best of luck!!
The fact that she asked tells me she already knows he is a flake but wanted you to tell her something different.
I just broke up with an Aquarius for being flaky. He would do the exact same thing. I tried to accept it. I really did try. I tried to talk about it. His attitude when I told him it bothered me was not cool. Reluability is actually a value I hold dear. I think you have to decide what you can live with and what you can’t. I can’t live with flakiness but I can live with other personality flaws.
I guess in the end I discovered that the amount of positives were not worth the irritation.
I’m capricorn rising and sun in the 10th house btw.
The querent says the guy got his divorce at the beginning of 2006. If she really meant to type “2006” and not “2016,” then ten years is an awfully long time to see pass and still not be over the ex.
@Joy, alot of men i notice look for similar types, so he’d probably be looking for a “type” like his ex-wife. if he hasn’t found her, i dont see how he’d be able to move on.
Actions are more important than words to Venus in Capricorn.
Perhaps quietly tell him that the next time he doesn’t follow through on a promise. One month is a very short time to know someone; to be so gushing. Cool things off for a bit if it’s bothering you.