Dear Elsa,
My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years now. We have lived together for a couple months. I caught him looking at porn once and it really made me upset. He knew this, and I had made it clear to him I would never tolerate it again because I feel it is just another form of cheating.
The other night, I found another movie he had downloaded onto the computer. This made me very upset. I am debating leaving him because I feel that he does not care because I have made it clear to him before.
He says that his sexual needs are not met by me but we have sex at least a couple times a week. He wants me to give him head all the time as well, but I just don’t really like doing it anymore. I used to do it for him all the time but now I just don’t like to do it. It feels like a chore to me because it hurts my jaw, etc.
He’s told me that he won’t look at porn anymore but that’s what he said before. I don’t know what to do: leave him and try to find a guy that doesn’t do that, or stay and wait and see if he does it again?
Girlfriend
Dear Girlfriend,
I am pretty sure your boyfriend is not going to give up porn. I am also pretty sure he has been looking at porn all along… and you are just becoming aware of this because you live together now and you find out these sorts of things. So what to do?
Well, it sounds to me as if you and your boyfriend are not very sexually compatible. And this may be something you could work on if the rest of the relationship was terrific, but it doesn’t sound like it is. In fact, you sound bored out of your mind. You sound as if you’ve lost interest in him and it might be best for both of you if you consider moving on.
As for what to look for… well you are 20 years old and you have a bunch of Sagittarius in your chart. This life is an adventure. And I think you would be much happier seeing what’s up ahead, rather than staying where you are and being the porn police for this man. What do you think?
Also if you get out now, you can probably stay friends with this guy, which is another Sagittarian thing. And considering your diminished interest in having sex with him, this does seem to be the way the relationship is flowing. Friends not lovers, that is. Make the switch and his porn will no longer be your problem.
Good luck.
As a fellow Cap-Sag, I would take a very different perspective to those rules and instead, would alter them to these guidelines:
1. Always try to maintain one’s integrity, in public AND in private.
2. If you’re going to learn to cook you might as well do it w/your partner and your friends or family. Cooking alone is dead boring. But cooking w/a loved one(s) might make some of your happiest and most carefree memories.
3. How about: learn to really open up to give AND receive sexually. You can give all the pornorific sex in the world and not truly enjoy yourself and that would be totally lame. I say, do whatever makes you feel comfortable and sexy and keeps the energy cycling as well as doing things that make you and your sex partner(s) feel really connected.
Well, good luck finding a man who DOESN’T watch porn. You’re young and have much to learn there.
There are some men who will make you feel more special that all of that. Or at the very least, incorporate it a little. My ex-husband had a problem with it, and I can empathize. Best of luck!
I agree with Julia – good luck finding a man who doesn’t watch porn.
Really? Do most men watch porn? I’ve been in relationships since I was 15 and the majority of my bfs didn’t watch porn. I’ve lived with five men and unless they were hiding it very very very very well, I didn’t find any evidence that they were watching porn, either. Of course, nowadays it’s easier to hide that bc of computers and log-in passwords, etc., but in the “old” days before the internet was big, porn came in tapes or in paper and that was harder to hide. I’m genuinely wondering if I’m just clueless about this. Maybe some of the men can weigh in. Do most of you really watch porn? How often? Do you hide it?
I’m all sorts of behind Older sister on this one!! That’s totally the way I am, and I’m yet to have a complaint. Well, except for when I slip up in the lady-like department. *chuckles*
I’ve been starting to wonder if I’m the only woman who doesn’t give a damn what my man entertains himself with when I’m not around or am otherwise indisposed, so long as he’s faithful and attentive to me. If his porn fix starts to impact real life, I’ll have a serious problem with that, but until then? Don’t care. Who wants the burden of satisfying 100% of any other person’s sexual needs?? Especially since, to be fair, that would mean having to rely on another person to satisfy 100% of MY needs, or else spending a lot of time frustrated. Um, NO. I don’t think so.
I’m pretty sure that all men watch porn. If they say they don’t, they’re lying. It used to bother me, but then I realized that was because I thought that being in a relationship meant giving up your fantasies that didn’t involve the other person. When I gave myself permission to keep my fantasies, I found I didn’t have any problem letting him hold onto his. Then I found that this allowed us both to me more honest, to share our fantasies with each other, and that’s a hell of a lot more fun.
Also, two times a week is not enough for a lot of people. I know it wouldn’t be enough for me.
I agree with Marly. Not all men watch porn. I think, however, everyone has some sexual outlet or attractive. That, however, is not always porn.
Perhaps those who have had bfs/husband who watched porn were tapping in/projecting their own repressed sexuality..hehee. Hey, I’ve seen stranger things. I’ve noticed, oddly, that people who are extremely upset about porn seem to almost attract men who are into it. Coincidence? I don’t think so. I think it’s more of a lesson.
Your Controversial Uncle,
Hannah
Putting the porn aside for the nonce, I have only one thing to say.
You made a threat. Keep it, or you no longer have feet.
If you say, “If A happens, I will do B.” then A happens, you MUST do B. Whatever B is, no matter how hard. Or you will never again be seen as a force to be reckoned with.
Follow through or continue to get stepped on, that’s the options at this point. Because your man has already proven he’s not worth his words.
I grew up around porn, my dad used to hide mags and films around the house which i’d find and show my friends. I matured quite early physically and had a womans body at age 10 and consequently got alot of male attention that much earlier which i hated as my head wasn’t ready for being a sex object.
I got to be quite a feminist and porn to me was exploitive and upset my notion of the act of love being betrayed so crudely. I’ve tried to be laissez faire about it but when i know a guy is into porn it changes something in the way i see him. My sister did a bit of glamour modelling a few years back which re-aroused my dislike, men i’d thought as highly respectable asking me for her number and tripping over their tongues, made me feel quite sick and i was glad she saw sense, and the seedy side of men, and jacked it in.
I love sex with someone i love but too many men these days are brought up on porn and it shows in their lack of sensuality in the bedroom and their lack of romance outside it. Maybe i’m just old fashioned or have unreal expectations and Hannah maybe right, i do seem to attract men who are into it but what lesson am i supposed to be learning exactly? That it’s ok to treat women as orifices? Maybe it’s not me that should be learning, maybe i attract them so i can teach them to have a bit more respect for something i consider precious. And if they dont, well they dont get me. Their loss.
It’s important to find someone you can share your sexuality with. Share your sensual world – it is a treasure chest. And if he’s not the guy who pushes your buttons…I would look elsewhere!
Maybe it’s just that I am Dutch but I really didn’t realise porn is still such a taboo. I believe in the sanctity of the bedroom, and yes I believe porn can be part of a loving sex life, or a one-person sex life or whatever. I can’t be the only woman who gets what turns men on in this? And what turns him on works out good for me, because he’s touching me not her!I do have venus in scorp though – maybe that has something to do with it.
Not all men are alike. Some are not into porn at all. Some men do not look at women as objects of their sexuality (though for me this is a turn-off, not a turn-on)
All men do not watch porn. I know this. And my SO is not into porn. He’s not even into makeup! He’s a Capricorn for Chrisssakes! If anyone wants a warm eathly body, it’s them.
But! That doesn’t mean most men don’t have an interest in porn, or haven’t in their life at some point, or don’t have a magazine hidden away for some time. I am not naive. But these blanket statement don’t fly with me.
Porn in and of itself is not taboo. But its proliferation in the year 2006 is like nothing previous generations have seen before…there is way more porn in way more places watched by way more people!
As for my own thoughts on porn, stopping it is like stopping religious people from believing in their own god. Good luck with that…
And ditto with SaDiablo.
I really appreciate Z’s comment (10/26 4:26am). As a man I can tell you that with the internet, addiction to porn has spread exponentially. Men must stand up against this; the tide is so very strong, we must create more “conversation on sex that is neither coy nor prurient, but simply frank” (Ellen Willis NYTimes OpEd, 1999).
See Robert Jensen: http://uts.cc.utexas.edu/%7Erjensen/freelance/pornography&cruelty.htm
I actually have many friends who are in Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous http://www.slaafws.org . Trust me:
Don’t stand for it. Be assertive. They need to get help, and if they continue to disrespect you, you need to get out. Now.
guys with weak moral values will always look at porn, yo ucan’t stop it unless you get him religious
I really have a problem with it as well..I found some files of porn on my bfs pc..and i confronted him….He said he was sorry, and he will stop now….That it was immature…I dunno if its true and he regreted it..Or he wants us to stay together…and hide the porn :s…But i dont like it…its like cheating…
i quit!! i hate being the pornpolice….i am going to be single until i find a decent man who doesn’t need that shit; otherwise he is not worth staying with in my eyes. Ok so everyone is saying that men need to wank sometimes and wah, wah, wah….what about wanking without porn?
if he wants to look at all of those naked f@#%ing girls and teens (whatever) that he can’t have….then he can’t have me either!
Seriously? You females (or should I just assume you are all girls because you obviously haven’t matured yet) obviously have insecurity issues. Just because your significant other watches porn doesn’t mean he has lower moral values or doesn’t love you any less in any way. If he hasn’t cheated on you, then good for you, but that’s probably because he makes love to you and in his free time when he’s not with you, he’s watching porn instead of fucking some other female. Or doing something else, watching tv, or whatever. Honestly it’s on the same line as watching tv. It’s a fucking video for Christ sake! Of two people he will never see in his lifetime outside of that video. Get over your prissy insecurities and grow up. Lots of men watch porn. And if you’re going to exile every man who does. You’re going to end up with a man who sucks in bed. You learn from experience and from example. Porn being an example. Grow up ladies. Deal with it.