Dear Elsa,
I am soon to be married and feel frustration building with myself and my future spouse. We’ve lived together for two years. I pick, nag and as she says, “chip away at her”. Sometimes the right thing jumps from my mouth and other times I say something that will completely shut her down. I know what I mean to say and yet how I say it winds up sounding cold and critical.
This a first marriage for both of us and I’m beginning to wonder if I’m not too hard a person to live with. Am I marriage material or simply experiencing soon to be married jitters?
Marriage Material?|
Dear Material,
This is a great question but very hard to answer because you are asking me to make a judgment for another person – which I can’t do. For example, I wouldn’t marry you, but so? I bet you wouldn’t marry me either!
You sound like a total pain and your chart reflects this. You’re cold, critical, argumentative, bleating, arrogant, and probably blunt to the point of rude. But so what? This doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. This doesn’t mean you aren’t her dream guy, and the man she wants. Some people like spice!
So I think this is a very good question, but the person you need to ask is your fiance. You’re aware of your limitations, but is she similarly aware? Does she realize this is your personality? Because this is your personality.
Are you going to all the sudden become tactful? Not with Mars in Aries (fight) square Mercury (your mouth). Are you going to become uncritical or unwilling to say what you think? Not with Venus in Virgo square a Sagittarius Moon! I could go on, but you get the point.
I think you’re fine to marry, as long as she knows she is marrying a man who is not going to change all that much. And believe me, people can be very happy with a disagreeable spouse. I have seen it many times. Perhaps they know how to transcend or generate their own happiness. Or the cranky spouse may stick in their craw just right. So this is totally her call and as for your happiness…
Well, like I said. You will be you, married or otherwise. So if you’re not happy now, marriage is not going to fix that even one little shred. Not getting married won’t fix it either because you embody the chaos and strife. So this is a better question to be asking:
Do you want to be someone who functions well in relationship, i.e. “marriage material”? If so, you have some work to do. If not, then carry on.
Good luck.
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Talk to her like you love her. Talk to her like you’re talking to your sweet old grandma! I like the “jumping out of my mouth” line. So Sag!
Great advice.
Oh, Elsa! You could not have said it any better.
“Do you want to be someone who functions well in relationship, i.e. “marriage material”? If so, you have some work to do. If not, then carry on.”
I had some really bad habits that I fell back on during heated arguments (like throwing furniture)but when a very special man told me that he would not put up with that crap I lost the attitude….and asap!! He was worth making the necessary changes…and so was I.
If what I did intimidated or demeaned the person I professed to love then I knew that no one should have to suffer my person. I had to grow up, take responsibility for my behavior, and make the necessary changes for all concerned.
It was the most liberating experience of my life and I don’t doubt that if Marriage Material learns to use the most positive manifestaion of his chart dynamics he will inspire a love worth having.
Jamie, I love what you said!
My first thought is this guy must be goodlooking well-endowed and good in bed to be worth putting up with. Well off too. But that could be my Venus in Cap talking. Hopefully his partner will stand up for herself and know exactly how to strike back and put him in his place.
whoa, that mars in aries is a fighter, more like, it’s my way or the highway, i’m right and you’re wrong. eeeek. although, for males, the only person I know who has this is our pisces sun uncle with Taurus moon, aqua venus. it seems to be muted by his sun. venus in virgo males (that’s my brother in law) is nitpicky and critical but means well. but my sister loves him and is fine with the critical stuff, but he can be quite emotional (cancer mars/pisces moon) I can’t imagine sag moon with aries mars. good thing this guy has a woman that loves him. lol
Makes me kinda sad that dude is doomed to be a cold pain in the ass that a good woman might not marry
Maybe he’ll find someone well-meaning but as intensely hypercritical as he is. Feel sorrier for his future partner than him.
makes me remember your comment Elsa that you’d rather be with a scorp than ‘death by a thousand cuts’ by a guy with virgo. i’ve had two partners with virgo moon and both criticised my need to have sauce on my ‘pure’ tasting vegetables, like i’ve got a trashy mouth.( sure i have ret merc sag square mars too but hey) This woman had better enjoy her ‘optimising’ and quest for improvement.my partner has mars in aries, virgo moon and it’s good to out ‘Arnold’ him (as in Schwartzenegger) with cold showers in winter when he can’t take it and a challenging proactive approach to fitness on all levels to justify the critiques.If he can dish it out he better take it and improve!
I think Elsa just gave him a little taste of his own medicine. She basically told him straightforward, his weak points. About his critical nature and bluntness, and such. To be honest, without being too poisonous, this guy isn’t my taste, I had a few family members like this. I like how some of you say that if he can put it out, he should be able to take it. Fair play, I guess.
With all due respect, the simple fact that he asked himself and a professional this question, shows that he can’t be that cold and insensitive.
It matters a lot what is the energy of the future wife. If someone like him marries someone that can hold her own, if they are both smart, they will eventually strike a balance and some happiness. But if he marries someone with a much more mellow energy that internalizes everything and doesn’t respond, she will be crushed. And I imagine, given his self-awareness, that he’ll be crushed as well under feelings of guilt.
My mother has Virgo and Sag and she fits the bill. I pretty much return everything I get and I enjoy it a little bit. My sister however, does not. My father had a lot of troubles because he couldn’t stand his ground.
I think the best thing is for people like these to find someone who enjoys being at war with them all the time and to understand that is their happiness. And no one gets hurt.
I think you can be aware you have a problem and not be any nicer for it. Manipulative people are good at pretending to care if it serves their purposes, it doesn’t mean they truly give a damn about someone else’s feelings. This guy needs a tough woman who maybe enjoys combative interactions, I personally would rather be alone than be anywhere near his personality type.
My advice to guy asking this question would be to ask whether he is not only loving, but also honoring his fiancée.
My Husband has Jupiter, Moon, Mercury and Sun in Aries, the first three conjunct, and is Virgo Rising, Mars in Aquarius. No person in their right mind want to get into a verbal argument with him. He can be devastating.
But still, I love him and am married to him. Partially because I’m into debating myself too. I could not be with a guy who could not offer me his insight on things, and help me reinforce mine in the process. But mostly, because I know he is in my team. He did not fall in love with some dimwit he constantly feels a need to belittle. He may not understand all my hobbies, but he ultimately sees me as a very competent person (I’m a Capricorn Moon, so this is very important to me). Yes, his wanting everything done yesterday irritates me, but usually, I’m already getting to it when he mentions the thing.
So, there’s a mutual respect, honoring each other. This has gotten us through over 10 years of living together, and 5 years of marriage. I’ve seen many couples who should have had it easiers getting along hurt each other and break up because of the lack of respect.
I’ve been married over 20 years to a man with Virgo Sun and Virgo Mercury in 7th house (he has Virgo Pluto and Uranus sandwiched between the two). He is the most nit-picky, critical, and clean-freak (about other people’s spaces he is a slob about his own personal spaces. Yet, I love him dearly and our marriage works because I usually either tune him out or more often I outright challenge him.
For instance, when he starts nit-picking at me I tell him to cut it out and tell him why I want to cut it out. Sometimes a simple stop it works, rarely I have to tell him why and how it makes me feel when he does it ((he learned not to do it so often after I told him when it hurts my feelings—he’s not out to hurt me he thinks he is offering me advice—he know understands when I want his advice I’ll ask for it).
He no longer is over-critical because about 15 years ago when he was criticizing me and how I did things I stopped looked at him and said “Okay, we’ll play this game when you’re finished I’ll let you know exactly all the things you do wrong”. He shut up and quit it. 🙂
The clean-freak thing has also gotten better. For example, he used to criticize how I mopped the floor and would point out the spots I missed. I told him if he didn’t like the way it was mopped he knew where the mop and bucket were and to re-mop it himself. After a number of times doing this he now just goes back after me and cleans to his standards.
However, I am a Sag ascendant, mercury, mars, venus and I’m not going to put up with much crap (I have a tendency to be assertive in personal relationships—and that’s putting it lightly). So he puts up with me and I put up with him because we love each other more than our differences irritate each other.
Thanks for sharing this, it just shows that it’s not the details that matter it’s how you deal with them .