Hey Elsa,
How important is it to have a Best Friend in your life?
I’ve “had” three in my life so far. Second one dumped me on/off like a rock for another girl, simply cause their boyfriends are really close. I tried my best to at least be there for her when she needed it, but of course all in vain. Our ties broke for real cause she accused me of “stealing” her two boys. She knows me long enough to know I DON’T STEAL MY FRIEND’S BOYS (personal rule). My heart was broken cause of her mistrust and hatred to me.
I took the longest time to heal from the mistrust issue. I disbanded the whole “Best Friends” concept – it’s bullocks! It’s a BIG thing/issue and a total taboo in my world.
Then in comes No. 3 – the most unlikely pairing – knew since high school but never close at all then. I put my foot down on labeling the “Best Friend” title to her. I thought long and hard about it. I hate giving a title to someone who will eventually slip away from me. Everyone whom I think are stable in my life always leaves. But… finally I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She was extremely happy.
All was merry until I screwed it up. I had family problems – she got a new beau. I needed her support during my dark, lonely, depression hours and she disused me, even with a straight out request for help. I felt abandoned. My heart closed again and I tried to cut ties with her. She got irritated at my emo-ness. I got angry at her ignorance. Then, we grew apart.
I hated the concept of “Best Friends” again, vowing that the title was OVERRATED and the BIGGEST LIE a con artist create. I take people I meet as acquaintances and only those proven otherwise are dubbed friends under my book. Yes, I overthink things. The thing is, I take friendship very seriously cause I never got many when I was small. I treasure them.
I still crave that “best friend” safety net. Someone whom I can confide to and deeply trust and can be myself without worrying if revealing myself would be a bad idea. I miss my 3rd ex-Best Friend the most. Does she miss it? Doubt. She’s the kind who can make friends whenever she wants. I talked to her about it – we end up arguing. “Past is past” she told me. ‘Cause of this, I can’t even converse with my other classmates properly. I feel like an alien when I’m with them.
We’re starting to be friends again – only cause (to put it bluntly) I agree to do what she wants: basically make her happy. If not, she doesn’t even know I exist. It’s bullocks and unfair!! I’ve always had to work to maintain friendships!! They never put in effort: “I have more friends to spare.” ERGH!!
My question to you is this: What defines “Best Friend”? How can I open my heart again? Should I keep a glint of hope about this or just be merry with others but no Best Friend obligation to anyone ever?
Sincerely,
Mizz Goth Angel
Dear Mizz
You wrote me 3 times. It’s obvious you want my opinion, so here it is:
You are going to have no problem getting, having or keeping a “best friend” as soon as you decide this is what you really want. Right now, it seems you would rather say “Bollocks!” And it’s cute. That’s very cute, as is your rant on the best friends con game and your drama emo-ness. So I figure this is working for you on some level. You like to be besieged! But if you ever change your mind and actually want to form a friendship that functions, you’re going to have to be a lot more sensitive and lot less ready to amputate and paint the whole thing black.
For example, your friend who had the new beau when you were in crisis? Well turns out, people are human. And if you want to keep your friends, sometimes you have to contain your angst when you see they are preoccupied… in this case with their happiness.
Ask yourself this: why should she come to be miserable with you? Why not you go to be happy with her? Why are you abandoned? Wasn’t she abandoned as well? She got a boyfriend and you cut the rope!
You get the idea. You’ve got Venus in Scorpio conjunct Pluto. You’re got Saturn conjunct your Sun and Moon. As long as you see things through your current lens, I guarantee you that every relationship you have will fail and disappoint you. But you’re a Double Sagittarius! So perspective to the rescue! And here’s a short tale to show you how this works…
One of my close friends goes up every time I go down and vice versa.
“How are you?” she asked me yesterday.
“Great.”
“I figured you probably were. I figured you were doing better because I took a dive…”
This never fails. So think about that.
I don’t expect her to mourn just because I’m hurting. She is empathetic and compassionate but she still goes on her hot date, you know?
And if I were you, I’d dump her for that. I’d call myself, betrayed! But instead, I understand my friends are having lives independent from mine and simply can’t be on call for my black mood, 24 hours a day. And it goes both ways of course. I am allowed to have fun while they suffer as well.
So like I said. If you can learn to do this, you will have no trouble at all coming up with an inner circle (Scorpio)… a stable (Sadge) of loyal friends. And if you want to call one of them “best”, then you right ahead! 🙂
Good luck
There is some irony in this post here today Elsa. I was just thinking about how I live vicariously through my best friends (numerous that they are). I was just going to blog about it too!!
I’ve been down lately and when I’m down my friends ask what they can do. I tell them. Tell me good news. Tell me something happy in your life. Tell me something funny. Because you know what. It gives me something to grab on to. It gives me hope. Hope that I too will have such a happy story in a few month or a few years. It makes me realize that the world will go on and will bring both good news (theirs) and bad news (mine) and that those roles will reverse in days, weeks, or months.
Maybe I have so many “best friends” because I can still be happy for them when I’m down and yet will listen to their woes because.. well, I’ve been there.
So if you want to do what I do – learn to appreciate happiness in your friends – you’ll get a lot more friends and they’ll be there for you – happy or sad.
It’s called balance. I like it. 😉 I hope that you can find it too!
Best of luck!!
It is one thing to not want to labal someone because “they will slip away from you,” but why label a friend at all in that way? As for the Best Friend concept, some of us would prefer to just be a good friend, period. Exceptional intimacy with a friend is gravy. I love it, but I can’t force it. You bond with another person for many reasons, not just to fulfll a role they think they need in their life.
no one is perfect. I am not a perfect friend. I fuck up. when I am forgiven I feel love and gratitude, and trust. when a friend fucks up I remember how it felt to be in that place and I forgive. as friends we earn each other’s trust by sticking around and forgiving. because we’re all going to fuck up and we all deserve love.
Here is what I do with angst and frienships;
When I am down I always want to talk to someone so call everyone I know. More often then not none are home.. I started taking this as a “sign” that they aren’t supposed to be there for me and to instead spend the time journalling etc. When they would return my call I’d often have processed most of my feelings so the conversation would be constructive and a true exchange of how our lives are going. Sometimes one of them is home and I process with them instead of paper. In this way all of my friends are both close – because they are there when I need them – and free because I don’t require them right at that moment.
Ironically my “best” friend is the least close to me at the moment.. and has been distant for the last year or more. I just figure it’s because she is not meant to be the one to help me at this time. Other friends are there with their perspectives.
I have to say that I don’t really agree with the “best friend” thing, myself. It just hasn’t ever worked out well for me to assume that anyone will be there at the same level of commitment to you, “forever.” People evolve and spin off in different directions, and I realized that I’m actually much happier just having a bunch of “good friends,” who I do my best to continue relationships with when it works. No pressure or labels, just open love and gratitude that anyone puts up with me.
can someone help me idk wat to do my supposed to do my bffl is being a brat she walked through the door of the school an i said “hey wat took u so long” and she thought i yelled a her, started snapping at me so i got mad and walked off then at lunch i told her why it might have sounded like i yelled at her and even my other bf said that i didnt and she said “too late” as if i was asking for forgiveness HECK NO!! so should i never be her friend again and when she asks to be my bffl again should i treat her like she treas me (she tried to shove a pencil down my throte once, and she has to be tougher than every one else)or say ok sure
ok im supper pissed my ex bffl is …. uuugggg … im sick of her SOMEONE HElP… ill just say she pisses alot of people should i forgive her … idk SHE CAN JUST SUCK IT UP!!!… well i dont like saying mean things about my friends even if there ex bfs BUT STILLL UUUUGGG she irritates me soooooo much
Sagittarius man here. I too have best friends. Life ebbs and flows, they come and go, as needed. There is no shame in that, it just happens.