Dating By Zodiac Sign – Humor

Loonsounds writes:

Lets say you are hanging out with someone new, and you don’t know anything about their chart yet. Here are some tips to help you see what their main sign-energy might be. These tidbits of information may also clue you in to the fact that he/she may not be living up to the highest potential of their sign energy. Maybe you won’t run off right away, but if you see these “signs”‘of ‘signs’, you might want to give that running thing some serious consideration after all.

Additional note: no matter how obnoxious, there are certain signs that you will not want to break up with until you have had sex with them at least one time, because this may make you decide that their flaws are well worth the trouble after all. Those signs are: Leo of the fire signs, Libra of the Air signs (and maybe Gemini if you lean towards kinky), all of the earth signs (especially Taurus), and Scorpio of the water signs (not to exclude Pisces and Cancer if you lean toward the kinky)… Read sign by sign…

ARIES: You go to your place show him/her something on your computer and he/she grabs the mouse every time you let it go. Sometimes he/she even grabs it right out of your hand! Glaring at the person every time he/she does it does not change the behavior one iota. Plus, most of the time you go out together, he/she is practically running backwards out in front of you, gesturing with his/her hands, “come on, follow me, hurry up!” In other words, you feel ridiculously rushed during every second of every date. Everywhere you go on your date, you stay for about 3 minutes, and when it comes time to sit at the dinner table to eat, they will be perched so close to the edge in their side of the booth that it seems they will flee any second. Also, always stare at them with great interest when they tell you a story, otherwise you are going to get yelled at.

TAURUS The first time you are invited to this persons house, you scoot a chair that was in the living room into the kitchen so that you can watch him/her while he/she cooks. Upon seeing this move on your part, his/her face suddenly becomes scarlet red and veins begin to pop out in his/her neck, thereby making it very clear that this was one of your first mistakes with this person. Hint: do not touch their furniture or anything else of theirs, ever again. Most especially, do not wake up after a night of passionate sex and throw on one of their cashmere sweaters or designer button down shirts or anything else that is ‘theirs.’ Or else you will see that Scarlett face again, and trust me, it’s not pretty. Also, if you are on any kind of diet, Taurus company is not your best bet, trust me.

GEMINI It doesn’t take long to realize that this person is obsessed with talk radio. Whether it be the people who talk about the proof of presence of people from outer space among us, or whether they be inclined to listen to right (or left) wing political ranting, clearly talk radio is an addiction because every time you try to turn it down they turn it right back up. They also leave it on all night, and especially during sex. Also with Gemini, if they want a date with you on Wednesday, don’t expect a call for that date any earlier than the afternoon of that same Wednesday. Also at their house look around carefully as it is very likely that it may be full of video cameras and all sorts of other gizmos. When you ask if they have ever put anyone up on the Internet, they respond “why do You want to know?”

CANCER: Your new date speaks fondly about a shopping trip with his/her mother as if it happened only yesterday. Later you find out that his/her mother has actually been deceased for 12 plus years. Also throughout the evening, his/her eyes well up with tears no fewer than approximately 12 times. Each time that happens, you are never quite sure of what in the hell it was that could have possibly gotten to them so intensely as to make them cry. Also note, they will not usually even try to hold back the tears, and if you say “what’s wrong” they look at you as if you are from some planet where all people are completely devoid of “feelings.” Also, much as Aries are mouse grabbers, all cancers are knife grabbers in the kitchen. There is only one ‘right’ way to cut up a cucumber, didn’t ya know?

LEO On your first couple of dates this person repeatedly refers to him/herself in the third person. Lets say the person’s name is Hank. Hank will often say things like, “Hank is a pretty creative guy, or so Hank has been told.” “Hank has been through a lot of relationships, but they all do come back and beg Hank to take them back, eventually.” etc. Also, every time you get together, the first statement out of his/her mouth is: “How do I look?” You can also see a certain kind of sappy self-satisfied look on their face everytime you give them a compliment about anything, and really it is far better of you don’t. When you think to yourself, “I could build a monument to this person’s Ego” you might be pretty sure he/she is Leo.

VIRGO This is the person when you go over to their house for tea and cookies for the first time, you find that your teacup has been picked up, washed out, and put in the dishwasher before you were even done with your tea. The person will also pull out a handy vac and vacuum under the table both of you were sitting at to eat the cookies, even thought you swear you could have eaten off that floor to begin with, and even thought you know for a fact that neither of you dropped nary the first crumb on the floor!. Virgo might surprise you with their level of lust also, and if they go through 11 condoms on the first night you are together, this may well be Virgo who has been laying in wait for the “perfect time.” See what I mean about the earth signs?

LIBRA Let’s say your new Libra friend invites you to Niagara falls, and tells you to drive over to his/her house and leave your vehicle there. The two of you go off in his/her car and have a blissful first date that lasts 6 hours. When he/she drives back up his/her driveway after you have finished the date, you see that all of the plants that had been on his/her front porch when you got there earlier have been turned over and smashed, and broken pottery and glass covers the area under which the front porch surface had shown up earlier. There is also a note taped on the front door which says, in large letters, “FUCK YOU YOU CHEATIN’ BITCH/SON OF A BITCH/WHORE.”

SCORPIO When you are driving with your new friend on the way to your date you hear loud thumping in the trunk of his/her vehicle every time your date/driver takes a quick turn. When you go: “Say, what do you think is that thumping noise in the back there” he/she yells “It’s Nothing!!!” Then, after one of the harder turns, the glove compartment flys open and you see a large pistol and all kinds of ammunition which almost falls out on your lap. Ignore it! Also, Warning, do not leave your purse/wallet in the car when you go in to buy something with them waiting in the car. If you do, it will be examined in great detail, and notes will be jotted down. Ditto journals in your home. Hide them, but do not hide them in your home as Scorpio Will find them if you do that. Wear dark sunglasses a lot, this might be your only hope.

SAGITTARIUS This person’s cell phone rings every 15 minutes, and the beeper every half hour, and to make matters worse, he/she leaves the room every time it rings/beeps, in order to carry on the conversation in private. When this has happened 10 times and you finally say something about it, Sag. will look at you with friendly eyes and say: “If you are thinking about getting married anywhere within the next 5 years, well then I am not the right person for you.” Add to that, they will never listen to their phone messages in front of you, and every time you part ways they say “catch ya later” without making any future plans. Moreover, in response to more than half of the things you say to them, their most common response is “Yeah, OK.” Also, Sag is the most likely of all the signs to bring their dog (or dogs) on that first date.

CAPRICORN You notice all of their friends call them the ‘friendly’ nickname ‘Bossy’ and even most of their family call them that too! But anyway, you go out on the date with them and are quickly impressed by their quirky, hilarious dry humor. Suddenly feeling happy and upbeat, you lean into him/her, hopefully for a kiss or at least a cuddle. The person turns stiff as a board and his/her lips are suddenly pressed and sealed so tightly together that you think they would make a good advertisement for certain funeral homes which make a person look incredibly lifelike, even in death. You will also notice that you receive a lot of questions from this sign about what you do for a living and whether or not you are financially independent. They will ask you about your income, but it will not behoove you to ask about theirs.

AQUARIUS When you go over to their house and refuse to pick up their pet snakes, they make it clear that they think you are some kind of boring freak. Also, when dating an Aquarius, don’t be surprised if several months go by before they call you for the second date, and several more months go by before they call you for a third date, etc. They are more likely than any other sign to have a roommate of the opposite sex, and if you Even Think about criticizing this arrangement, it will be less like a few months before they call you again, and more like never. Also, don’t take them anywhere where fashion matters; I will not have to tell you that more than once. And when you find yourself listening to what feels like a dissertation from a preacher for some cause or another, yep, got it, you’re hanging with an Aquarius. Good luck!

PISCES On the first date they bring a cooler of beer for the drive. When you pull one out of the cooler to drink it, this person seems to panic beyond all levels of reasonableness. When you say, “what’s wrong?” he/she says: “Can you please hold that DOWN so that it can’t be seen through the car window because there is a warrant for my arrest out in this state!” Later in the evening as you are driving and your date is now having a beer in the car him/herself, he/she suddenly hands you his/her beer and say “here hold this.” Then, never letting up on the accelerator, your date opens the door and pukes on the street while driving. After that he/she shuts the car door, turns back to you as if nothing has happened, says ‘thanks’ and then takes back his/her beer, and resumes drinking it. Also, when out for dinner, they refuse to order dinner until they have had approximately 6 to 10 drinks. After that they will order dinner, but it will be ordered take-out, and yours will be too, so, maybe, eat before Pisces.

Thanks, Loonsounds!