Another theme I am seeing in consultations is women who are having to defend their relationships from an outside threat, usually an ex of their husband or boyfriend who contacts via facebook. Even if the man is not interested, it undermines the relationship and often calls for action.
“Well I like my way. I may be crazy but you’ve got to admit its one hell of a deterrent,” I told my husband, circa 2007. “Are you sure you want to screw around with my man? There are easier targets you know.”
He laughed.
“Most of the women who do this go for an easier target. It’s like rapists. They show rapists in prison city scene. Women walking along and they ask them who they’d target. Invariably they all pick the same woman. The gal with her head down and so forth. They want the easiest target they can fin so if you are looking for someone’s husband to screw, well that’s not me.”
“That’s not why men don’t cheat on you, P. It’s because you give them everything they could possibly want.”
“Well maybe I do. But that’s part of not being an easy target, don’t you think? I’m just saying I think a lot of these gals scan around looking for a man to target, subconsciously or otherwise and when they see mine they see me next to him and think – no. This is because it’s common knowledge you’re not going to be able to run your script if I’m involved. I am going to drive the ship right into the iceberg and let the chips fall,” I explained. “I wouldn’t do anything to the woman, you know. I’d give her the man for sure but I don’t know how manly he’s going to seem when I drop him on her doorstep like garbage.”
Do you defend your relationship? Why or why not?
Defending your relationship – Tips and hints
I’m recognizing the need to once I choose someone. I have not been doing this enough in the past. But I also think they had fatal flaws due age issues.
The men I like often are at odds with my mother/family so defense will likely be needed for all parties to adapt.
I haven’t had issues with ex’s either way though. I think I defend the relationship well there.
“or when I roll him out of car on the sidewalk on main street with only the prettiest pair of pink panties I can find to put on him that just so happen to have my name written with black sharpie on the ass.”
Do I defend my relationship? Yes. On both ends be it someone zeroing in on Ox or me. It’s not tolerated. Who needs that? I mean relationships are fucking hard enough!
And you are right. The process that people who prefer a married partner go through is very much a targeted action. There is a thrill associated with it.
I was friends with a man that targeted only married women. He seemed normal enough. But he had an insecurity about him that was fed only by the fact that if he dated a married woman then that made him better than at least one person..her husband. And he never really had to worry about her stopping her commitment to him because there was no commitment there to begin with. It was almost a pathological train of thought and supposedly he didn’t realize he was targeting a certain sect of people until I pointed it out to him. I don’t know if I believe that or not. But that is what he claimed.
I do know we were friends for 3 years and didn’t hit on me once until I started dating someone..lol.
Oh yeah, my marriage ended in exactly this kind of scenario. My ex came home from a business trip and announced he was leaving me for some young girl. He wouldn’t tell me her name bc he didn’t me confronting her ( such lame drama scenarios being played out in both of their heads probably fueled the relationship in the first place). So I just cut off all contact with him and filed for divorce myself. Neithe he nor she got their desired drama with a scorned wife. They’re not together anymore, so far as I know. Guess she didn’t want my garbage after all. But the point is, he’s the one who trashed the relationship with this sort of behavior. And I’m not a sanitation worker.
Usually I have to defend my relationship from myself LOL
Ha ha, Jilly! 🙂
hmm.. so far I’ve been the type to be all “oh, well.. if that’s what’ll make you happy, go ahead and leave me for her,” but that was when I was a meek little girl. Though still single, nowadays I’ll hopefully aim to be as badass as you Elsa! Anyone ever tell you that? hahah
Not really, Nalini but I can tell you that both my sisters are the same and none of us ever gets cheated on simply because we make it so clear there will be repercussions and FAST.
Mars mercury family with Jupiter moons. We’ll cut and leave so fast, your head will spin. Matter of fact, I don’t think any of us would care that much if someone cheated on us. If you’re that stupid, who wants you anyway?
That is how I feel about all betrayal, actually. It’s attacks that get my back up. If you betray me, that’s your problem.
I won’t defend a man from attacks from the outside because I think if he’s susceptible at all then he wasn’t trustworthy to begin with. If he’s not going to choose me every time then why should I care what kind of hootchie he ends up with? Let them go fuck each other to death.
But I agree with your second thing. If you betray me, it’s so over you’re going to think you must have dreamed me.
Jilly– that’s bad-ass. I may borrow that line.
I second what Jilly said 🙂
Wow! What a great idea. I’ve never been in this situation before, but you can damn well be sure I’d like to think I’d defend it this way when the time came.
I think it also is good for your relationship — takes the burden off the man. For how awkward and difficult is it for some men to turn down sex? Women may chastise them, think they aren’t manly enough, even if he is married. By drawing a line firmly with the other woman, you also let your man know where the boundaries of your relationship are, and this makes it easier for everyone.
LIke someone always told me, if you aren’t jealous, you don’t really care.
I definitely agree, you have to defend your relationship. but I’d love examples because I’m not quite sure what works best to prevent such attacks. Is it body language, glares, what exactly? All hints & tips please! what do you do when women blatantly look a man up & down, short of violence? …not that i’m averse to that but cant always get away with it 🙂
i LOVE drama with my man. but it has to involve me, and only me. if i get even a whiff of another girl involved, i get up like a kid at the playground. ‘ok i’m done with this game, going to the monkey bars now…’
Lol wait…I think I’m seconding Dorchid now
uzmi, I am writing you a post on this. 🙂
Hell, I’d compliment a man for turning down sex, and not just jumping at it when offered. If he can’t take the barbs of someone who would try to manipulate him into sex, then I wouldn’t want him either. That would be no excuse – I’d expect them to laugh it off.
Thanks Elsa, you’re a gem!
You provide incredibly valuable insights & advice and I feel i need to learn so much.
I haven’t yet found it necessary to ‘defend’ my relationship against another woman. I guess I must give off the same ‘vibe’. Either that or I’m the only woman that sees what a great man he is….?
Elsa, you gave some examples of why it’d not a prob for u and your sisters could you give some examples of things in the chart that indicate those who constantly see the opposite?
Learning, that’s a good idea. I did uzmi’s post for tomorrow and will try not to flit off this topic and do yours next. 🙂
That would be awesome thanks Elsa 🙂
If an ex-gf came after my man, i’d be watching his reaction. If he gave the ex ANY attention-or acted like his feelings were being stimulated for her, i’d make it known that i was pissed. You either want me, or THAT. I’m not gonna waste my time if you have to choose. I can make it easy, and just leave. So, i guess no, i don’t defend it.
Defending your relationship – Tips and hints
A strong relationship needs no defending. If a man’s ex comes along to torpedo his current woman’s happiness, just grin and let him deal with it. No catfights are necessary.
People cheat for myriad reasons, and I don’t think it has to be a death sentences for a relationship, especially since the cheatee isn’t always blameless – for lack of a better word; (for example, almost 40% of American women have what is known as a clinical loss of libido).
Also, it’s clinically proven that the hormones which drive womens’ sex drives drop after securing a mate, and precipitously drop again following cohabitation, despite loving her mate and wanting to stay together, especially if children are involved. But if money/security isn’t an issue, she’s actually more likely to want to split up.
In the crosshairs of societal constrictions, personal wounds, a polluted environment playing havoc with our endocrine systems, and individually evolved human natures, sometimes people get naked.
Okay, I have a Scorpio sun — no one has ever dared to betray me! However, what do you do when there’s a threesome going on — with hubby’s mother???? In my case, I let him go back to her but we are dating (sounds weird but I get the best of both worlds!) while I ponder… (pluto has conjoined my moon, and progressed sun is conjunct natal moon and transiting pluto). Go with the flow… the power is with me….pluto is opposite his lights/stellium… I am rising above the fray and treating him gently/sensitive, passive Cancer stellium that he is!
libra rising, I think that’s a different issue…but an interesting one and also something that comes up frequently in consultations.
I just want to add: we are OLD! I told him he can find a bunch of old ladies who will baby him ad nauseum…. while I know that as a woman in my 60’s (you’d never know, I look pretty good) I’m prepared to face life without a mate, but I need to live with AUTHENTICITY! He still wants to be with me (is that a curse or a blessing?) He’s smart, fit, athletic, handsome, educated with Ivy credentials, loving toward my family (not my son though) and friends) and hardworking — dependent and poor as hell!
Elsa, thank you for a quick response — I love your blog/you!
Thank you! 🙂
How could I forget — he’s a sensitive, tactile lover– Do the benefits outweigh the negatives, esp. at this age??? It’s completely up to me!
Hmmm. I’ve often wondered about this. However, I’m friends with three of my exes, and I’m very good friends with their wives. I work with all three of them musically in some capacity at times, and one of them uses my studio and his daughter will be living with me this summer. I can’t imagine wanting to disrupt their marriages, or go backwards in relationship land, and I have someone in my life that I’m happy having there.. anyhow I don’t think every ex has a hidden agenda; sometimes people just carry on and still care about the person and have things in common. That said, I’m sure people can tell the difference by the behavior. You don’t want to behave like an interfering busybody or encroach on the spouses’ feelings!
Virginia, you are a lovely and evolved soul!
“A strong relationship needs no defending”
I firmly believe this as most of you know. I also believe that, esp with relationships entered into between older people, existing friendships and affections should be honoured. It’s up to us to deal with our jealousies.
Another woman making a dead set at getting a partnered or married man into bed is another matter; however in my own personal experience, the move has always come from the partnered man, who has had severe problems to deal with in his own personal life. ‘Life’ is a complex business.
When my husband took up with a very young girl, daughter of our close friends (to their horror and fury – she was 19 to his mid 40s) I was unfailingly polite to her. I just totally detached from the situation. When he commented on my ‘decent behaviour” I just remarked that she was welcome… he was nonplussed 😉
Blessed Place, Are you still with him? Poor young girl, so desperate for what she thought was love!