When You Love Them More Than They Love You

Libra t shirt vintageMy husband mentioned one of his friends, saying he never felt worthy of the man’s friendship. I was surprised. I asked him to elaborate and he did.

He named various people he knows and said he felt they meant more to him then he meant to them. He gave a few examples and reiterated he felt there was an imbalance in this one relationship and it had been this way for decades.

I know the man and would argue this is not the case. I think it’s a balanced relationship but it’s pointless to say so because my husband feels how he does and that’s it.

Are you familiar with anything like this? Are their people in your life where they mean more to you then you do to them or vice versa? What do you think causes this?

18 thoughts on “When You Love Them More Than They Love You”

  1. Yes I can understand this. I am friends with another Sagittarius who is always there for me even when I’m not.

    This was during my Sun conjunct Pluto transit in Sag and I was absent from his life for 6 years. 6 years! And he still cares about me enough to still talk and hang out with me. Talk about true friendship!

    I hate to admit it, but sometimes I feel undeserving of his friendship. And I feel he means more to me than I do to him. I sometimes feel ashamed. I think it’s because I feel I owe him 6 years of my life.

  2. I have never commented here but have been following for awhile. This post speaks to me. I, too, have felt this imbalance in almost all my friendships. I think natal Neptune in my 7th house Sagittarius is behind it. I feel like I have to give up a fair amount of myself to hold on to a friendship. I find myself attempting to balance things out, in order to be fair and considerate (probably due to a stellium in Libra) toward everyone, often at my own expense, until I reach my limit with the short end of the stick, and impose the (in)famous Scorpio freeze-out as a protective measure.

    Whatever it is, I am learning to set limits with my generosity. More than one friendship ended when I refused to tolerate being taken for granted any longer.

  3. I am somewhat surprised at the lack of response to this and wonder why it is. Personally, I don’t relate to this at all. It’s never occurred to me that my friendship with someone was more important to me than them or vice versa and if it did I think it would make me intensely uncomfortable.

    This would have to be my Libra going off and the aspect between Venus and Neptune in my chart because clearly this does exist, I just deny it.

  4. I relate to this with a few of my female friends whereas with male friends I always felt like an equal – whether I was one to them or not! I didn’t have any close friendships with girls at all until I was in my teens. Relating to most girls before that was such strife for me usually because they were into girly stuff (which I hated) or already had a gaggle of “best” friends and I didn’t fit into their ranks. I prefer the closeness of a few people, as opposed to having many friends so all my friends “count” and I invest carefully in each one.

    I find that when I made a female friend (I refer to a couple of girls over the years with this, not one in particular) who I felt understood me, I tended to admire her and put her on a pedestal (she’s so pretty, she’s such a great artist, she works so hard, she’s funny, etc).
    I really believe this was my moon square pluto in action, and a lot of that way of thinking probably stemmed from my own insecurities. It sucked to occasionally feel she was just tolerating me and didn’t value the relationship the way I did, but astrology has helped me to realize it’s my own misconception.
    My interactions with guys were much more laid back and comfortable even though they weren’t all that deep. I did read once that a 1st house Moon would lend itself to an easygoing attitude with men – I identify with that.

  5. There are two people that I feel like I mean/t a lot more to them than they mean/t to me (one is a dead certainty).
    There’s another where I feel the other person was much more important to me than I was to them.
    I have no idea what would cause this.

    I know that, synastry-wise, the relationship where I felt less appreciated was one where the person triggered all my major aspects but I never felt that I triggered them as much.
    I’m not as sure about the ones where I’m not as invested. I haven’t investigated the synastry as much, but nothing pops out on first glance, either. One of these relationships is a romantic affair, though, so it’s pretty clear the dynamic involved (if you’re me, anyway) — he’s convinced it’s everything he wants, except the nonmonogamy part, and I’m absolutely certain I don’t want to be monogamous and that we would be a train-wreck if it were to happen the way he wants.
    Ah, well… C’est la vie.

  6. Yes, I know this kind of situation and I think it is caused by what each of us projects on the other person. And since this is a game of two, also by what the other person invites or allows us (doesn’t need to be conscious) to project on them.

  7. I can’t think of a relationship like this for me because if I sense any disinterest from another, I back off. You either want me in your life or you don’t, and if you don’t, thats okay with me.

    And I would never “use” anyone as a friend or in a relationship. I either deeply want to be with you, or I really don’t have the energy to sustain the relationship.

    I have been around people in very skewed relationships like that, and they make me very uncomfortable.

  8. (didn’t respond to this because it did not appear on your blog till now…see your post on the board, “Site Weirdness”)

    I can tell and have experience with imbalances in relationships. I’ve been in an intimate relationship before, and my partner idolized me (neptune) to the point that I could do no wrong. I did not feel the same way about him, I cared for him, but I did not feel the same intensity for him that he did for me. This ended up being a problem, because I didn’t live up to the expectations he built for me and our relationship, and so it failed.
    I don’t find that kind of imbalance useful at all (I have a bit of libra) and so I try not to participate in that sort of relationship with my partner or friends.

  9. I’m gonna try again…(ps Elsa, your “Site Weirdness” post on the boards, I noted that this blog post did not appear this morning, which may be another reason the comments are so few here).

    I have been in an unequal relationship, my partner idolized me (neptune) and I could do no wrong in his eyes. I did not feel the same intensity for him that he had for me, he built me and our relationship up, and then it (and I) failed to live up to those expectations. That is a painful lesson, for sure.

  10. When I was younger I would be get extremely attached to my friends …and it would allways create an unbalance in the relationship because I would sacrefise everypart of my self to keep them from defriending me- Luckely I have learned and now I would never stay in a friendship where there is a lack of ‘ I want you in my life, you enrich it’ from both sides….however I feel it is possible to change the situation, espescially if you are the party that gives less of yourself….if it is the other way around I think it is impossible. But some people love and benefit from unequal relationships..ect mentoring…but I guess that is something different

  11. I’ve definitely had my share of unequal relationships, but mostly as a child/teen and then as I got older I learned to establish boundaries. This is probably due to my Saturn in 12th house Scorpio, which made me very anxious and paranoid. Other kids seemed so easy-going and that made me feel alienated, so I was overly self-concious (and probably not much fun to be around! 🙂 The internal struggles ultimately made me stronger, more resilient and I don’t waste time with ‘bad’ people, my radar is good 😀

    Nowadays I find it’s easier to socialize, I’m less shy, but I choose my close friends wisely, just because I treat my best friendships as lifelong endeavors and there’s just not enough time!

    Also my Pluto is in 11th house Libra, so maybe that relates.

  12. ((Joe))

    I relate, Saturn in Libra is my saturn return, and pluto in 7th cap is a real eye-opener in this arena. Confusion and insecurity centered around worth. The feeling of having to always give more than you receive is very draining, and messes with your confidence.

    I used to feel guilty if I didn’t give, and burdened somehow if I received too much – like I had to give even more to get rid of the guilt. Only after going through many of these experiences did it occur to me that others can only take what *you* decide to give, and at the price you decide to give it. Sell yourself cheap and you invite this behavior. When you place your own value high enough, it is automatically out of reach of those who don’t value you, and within reach of those who do. And believe me, what a difference it makes when someone finally comes around who recognizes your value and wishes to pay what you are worth…the quality of relationship improves by leaps and bounds. There is respect, support, equality for both people.

  13. I did have some other thoughts on this. I think that people THINK they are more important to me then I am to them but they’re wrong and invariably stunned when they find out the facts.

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