How Can A Commitment-Phobic Type Be Married?

Avery writes on Part 9- Conclusion:

“I’ve been reading your archives lately and you’ve stated a few times that marriage makes you miserable. Do you think it could work this time?

Sorry if this is none of my business, but I’m curious to find out how you plan to work it!”

Avery – that’s a good question. I can be married, I just can’t be bored. And I just can’t be civil every minute of the day either. Sometimes I just have to fight and if I am deprived of this, I am going to be miserable.

It’s the Mars thing. I have to use that Mars or I am in deep trouble. So put me with a man who doesn’t have a problem if I swing a motorcycle helmet at him and I am in like Flynn. Put me with a man who doesn’t cower or go running to his mother because my voice is loud and I called him a prick and I am going to be very, very happy.

While you’re at it, put me with a man who will annihilate anyone who tries to prevent me from having the freedom to do whatever I want, when I want, the way I want and I am going to be pretty smug.

On top of that give me a man who has the courage and integrity to stand up for what he believes in (whether I agree with him or not), and stand against whatever this world might present as a challenge and I am going to be excessively happy and I could go on, but you get the idea.

Though I could marry anyone, there is probably just one man on this entire planet I could be happily married to and this is him. I want a freak, don’t you think? Someone provocative? But beyond that I have got to have some hard core SF guy because who is going to be about to deal with me and the reality of my life? He’s in a similar situation so the universe puts us together and I’ve got nothing to say except it’s about time.

For a 7th house Uranus (and other freedom loving commitment-phobics take note) this goes a long way:

“You’re boring me.”

“Why don’t you go bootle some, P. I’m going to lay.”

“Okay, see you later.”


Anyone else have insight or ideas how commitment-phobic types might make something work?

5 thoughts on “How Can A Commitment-Phobic Type Be Married?”

  1. I’ve been struggling with this question myself, and Elsa, your blog has been incredibly inspiring. I am a mixed up Libra rising commitment-phobe with a packed 7th house (Moon/Jupiter, Mars) but with my first house Uranus opposing all these planets.
    I project a lot! My relationships start suddenly, wildly, then bog down in domestic details. Until I read this blog, I always thought the stalemate was my boyfriend’s fault. Duh. I get so bored, then I blow the relationship sky high.
    Now I realize that I need A LOT of time alone, to read, to dream, to exercise, whatever. With Aries on my 7th house, I need a partner to spar with. I like being challenged.
    I’m still working on the commitment thing….but it has to get easier, now that I’m aware of what I need. At least I hope so!

  2. It took me many, many years to figure out the “why” of my commitment issues. I have Libra Sun conjunct Chiron and Uranus in the 7th (Placidus House system) so it was very easy to sabotage my relationships. In my twenties, I was very much a commitment-phobe – had a panic attack within hours after accepting a marriage proposal!

    It’s very important for me to feel a large degree of autonomy in all my one-on-one relationships whether personal or business. I learned to state right up front – “you ASK me if I will do something, not TELL me what to do!” Keeps the rebellious Uranian streak from going berserk. Now I have been married going on 17 yrs so it’s possible to do . . . 🙂

  3. Thanks for answering that question, Elsa. Besides being simply fascinated by the way your life is unfolding, I have a vested interest in finding out how this is going to work. I also have Uranus in the 7th and two divorces behind me. Want to be meaningfully partnered but know it can’t be with another “thenthitive” man who can’t handle the fiery way I express myself or who bores me senseless. You give me hope, and I can’t thank you enough for that. Congratulations on finding (or re-finding) that solid fit. Y’all make my heart sing!

  4. My favorite advice columnist is a gay Libra guy named Dan Savage who slices the traditional ideas of monogamy and relationships to threads. It was because of him that I realized, as much as I hate the jealousy that accompanies affairs outside a relationship– as much as I want to control my partners’ affections– I also relish the lack of control when somebody I love wants someone else. The kids are calling it a “cuckoldry fetish” these days, but I’m not so much into random hookups as trying out responsible polyamory. (Unfortunately, at 24, it’s hard to find a person around my age who’s able to articulate their weird desires the same way.)

    Suffice to say, I’ve realized that relationships I enter can’t be boring or they won’t BE permanent relationships. My Uranus in the fourth house in Sag, along with my Venus in Scorpio.

  5. i’ve always avoided men who were “too soft.” nice guys, by the by, and willing to do whatever i asked them. that scared me- anyone willing to give that much power to someone else deeply disturbed me. (think this is venus/pluto speaking.)
    spent a lot of time with controlling assholes and, while that gave me the conflict a seventh house mars wants, it wasn’t productive conflict. allowed me to prove to myself that yes, i was strong enough to push back, but i’d rather find that energy in more positive expressions.
    so, i need someone with spine (which can be subtle sometimes, observing my grandpa as an adult made that much more clear to me) and heart and a sense of respect for others who also enjoys playful tusseling, verbally or physically.

    specific, and not a lot of people necessarily fit these descriptions, but having a better idea of what i need makes identifying likely prospects a whole lot easier.

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