Dear Elsa,
I was recently dating this Leo woman for three-and-a-half months. Brief but I was completely enamored. We hit it off immediately and started going out regularly soon after. We had so much fun together, and we were always very respectful of each other’s space.
It was so good for 3 months but then I said something unintentionally that wounded her pride, because the tone didn’t come off right. I apologized very sincerely. She told me to give her a few days to think things over and whether or not she wanted to continue the relationship. I respected her space but I sent a dozen roses to her office. She was delighted and we made up, but she broke up a few days later and said there wasn’t enough of a spark.
I was devastated but I was polite: I told her how truly wonderful and amazing she is, how lucky I feel to have gotten to know her, wished her well and said I will always be there for her if she needs a friend.
We didn’t communicate for 2 months and we bumped into each other at the place we first met. I sensed there was still some feelings between us and I asked her to hang out. We went out to dinner and we started emailing a few times a day and chatting on the phone. We didn’t talk about getting back together.
Then I went on vacation and didn’t call her when I got back (well.. she isn’t my gf and I was trying to play cool) and we bumped into each other on a Sunday night and she said… oh I didn’t know you were back. We chatted briefly but, for most of the night, she stayed with her friends and I stayed with mine. However, I bought her a drink at the bar. The next day I get an email saying she doesn’t want to mislead me and we’re not getting back together. This was confusing because I didn’t say anything about getting back together or even asking her out…! I didn’t want to insult her so I called and left a voice mail saying.. I got your email and I’m confused. Let’s talk directly to avoid misunderstandings. She wrote an email the next morning and asked what was the confusion and why am I starting drama. Then I knew something was wrong.
She usually avoids speaking to me when she’s upset. Then I asked her out for a friendly dinner so that I can clear up any misunderstandings between us. She wrote that my invitation made her uncomfortable and that given our dating history, friendly and casual is clearly impossible. Luckily, I bumped into a good friend of hers who was with her that Sunday night and I asked the friend why she is so upset with me. The friend thought it was strange and said she always has the most favorable things to say about me and often uses me as an example of what a good, considerate girlfriend should be like. But her friend told me that she thought I was on a date that night before she wrote me that email about how we’re not getting back together BUT I WASN’T!
I thought.. hmm.. maybe it’s jealousy and she still has feelings for me so I called her the next day and asked her to meet me for coffee because I was in her area. OMG, that night, she wrote me a long, long, insulting email telling me that we can’t be friends because I clearly still have feelings for her and that this is not healthy because it’ll lead to more pining on my part, undermining my self respect. She thinks that we need major distance and that I need to seek therapy.
Is there any way possible I can win her back? She’s really special to me and I just can’t forget her.
Please help me, Elsa. I just don’t understand her actions and what I can do at this point.
Ex-Girlfriend
Taiwan
Dear Girlfriend,
While I don’t necessarily agree you need a therapist, I do think this woman has made it abundantly clear she is not interested in a relationship with you and you do seem to be enormously resistant to accepting this. Fact is, three months is not very long of a relationship, regardless of the degree and depth of your passion. It seems this woman did not feel what you felt but was perhaps caught up in your energy, which is clearly very powerful.
But for her, that was then and this is now and the way you are acting, my sympathies are with her. It’s hard enough to reject someone, and to have to do it repeatedly is terribly difficult and painful to some and I would not be surprised if this woman is not suffering something like this.
However, I feel sorry for you as well because I don’t think you understand your energy and with this, I can help.
Your Sun is in Aries, you have a Virgo rising, and Leo Moon in the 12th and you probably think you are acting in a way that is right and gallant. You are offering a “friendly dinner” and you want to just talk. And I believe this is what you are thinking and feeling when you reach out. However…
However, you have Pluto in Libra opposing your Sun and I think that unbeknownst to you, there is a strong undertow to your personality and there is nothing wrong with that. There is strong undertow to my being as well and I accept and exploit this. And you can do the same, but not if you remain unconscious of it.
So to this end, it may help you to really comprehend and internalize the fact that your energy is disturbing this woman. Realize it, recognize it, come to terms with it and then start digging in to who you are really are. Because you are not the merely the gallant maiden you think you are, but something deeper and more powerful than that. But this woman? She wants out, let her go. I’m sorry.
Good luck.
Its hard when you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. I’ve been in a similar situation. She’s made her feelings clear — the best you can do is steer clear of her and try to move on.
I am a lesbian, have the natal sun/pluto square, as well as my fair share of rejection.
I also have a mars/pluto aspect (so when I experience rejection or any thing I feel like I don’t have control over, It’s best I get my buns into the gym for a good sweat or to the shooting range, GOODIE!!!)
It f*****g sucks!
I would suggest reading all you can from self-help books on lesbian-based therapy written by other lesbians who are therapists among a plethora of other talents. They cater to our very specific situations in a world that denies or does not understand our struggles and existence. If you can, try to read or watch books/movies about lesbians, lesbian culture & history by other lesbian women who have gone before us to write about their experiences. There are even astrology out there for us lezzies! They have the Wisdom firsthand, so we don’t have to suffer secondhand. You will notice that lesbians in general like to keep in good contact with their exes IF they can. But it can also make for a disastorous trap.
In a world where we are a minority, it makes sense.
But be careful of that “keeping exes or past heartthrobs as a friend” trap.
Been there, done that.
I lost 10lbs one time over a heartthrob and although I am tall, I was down to 130lbs & a low thyroid level from not eating and overworking to deal with the intense stress. Managing a lesbian heartthrob or relationship is not easy. Stay safe.
Btw- You don’t sound like you need a therapist–just positive healthy outlets that you can fully immerse yourself into (exercise, writing, photography, walk, consulting a trusted confidante, etc) to let your pluto death, rebirth, and transformation process happen. But if you start feeling suicidal, please seek a therapist.
Good luck.
Oops.
I didn’t see how out-dated this post was!
I thought this was created in 2012.