20, 30, 40 Year Old Virgins

With all the sex talk around here it seems ironic that I attract clients who are virgins but I do. I guess it makes sense I would deal in the extremes, I know I like to deal in the extremes but I just thought it would be interesting to throw a post up on the topic.

For one thing it will allow the opportunity for some of these women to speak up if they want to. They can easily use an alias here which is more cumbersome to manage on the boards.

The women I know (5 of them) range from about 24 to nearing 50 and have a variety of reasons or explanations for their situation.  Culture or religion comes into play for some but for many their virginity is more akin to a habit that has become entrenched and on this note most everyone can relate. You’ve been doing it, doing it, doing it, so you just keep doing it and you can imagine the challenge these women (or men) face in breaking this door down.

People may or may not want to talk about this but I think it is interesting regardless and always good to be reminded there is an opposite end of any continuum.

What do you know about this?


43 thoughts on “20, 30, 40 Year Old Virgins”

  1. Ooooh I love this topic. And I wonder what, if anything, in the chart could inspire virginity. I have lots of Virgo but am far from it….

    I don’t know any virgins (god, that sounds odd) but I do know women who haven’t had sex in a very long time — for various reasons.

    Is it intimacy/the closeness that is at stake? Or does it have to do with the relationship one has to the body, the physical world, their personal physical world?

  2. moonpluto, the chart look the same as the sex fanatics charts. It’s just an alternative expression.

    As for reasons, underlying or exposed, they are varied.

  3. ah makes sense. An extreme energy. I wonder what my chart shows about that!!!!!

    Can you give a few “markers” of fanatic/virgin chart?

  4. When I wrote “extremes” I meant situations like Wilt Chamberlain who claims to have slept with 10,000 women against a man who has slept with none.

    In this case I work with women who have had many, many partners and I also work with women who have had none… and they have much in common.

  5. Oh and on example. Let’s say someone has Mars Saturn.

    One expression is they are deprived of sex. Another person with the same aspect may be involved in bondage.

    Or say it is Neptune involved. Someone might be aligned with God (a nun of sorts) where the other person has no boundaries or discretion… and so on and on.

  6. I like your approach to this topic, fascinating — similarities between the two. How feast and famine are two sides (of same). Or how priests and prostitutes prob have a lot in common

  7. Sociologist (not socialist) Eric Hoffer in his 1951 book “The True Believer” brought out the concept that, in social movements, left wing extremists were the most likely to be converted into right wing extremists (and vice versa). Totally denying sex and being a sex addict definitely have being extreme in common. I bet some obsessed astrologer somewhere has done a study on celibacy…

  8. I find this topic interesting. Although I’m not a virgin, I’ve had a long habit of celibacy and one partner. And yes, I’m a Virgo. Moon and Neptune square sun. (With Venus in the 12th, Mars Leo in the 9th). I don’t have problems with sexuality. Relationships make me nervous, though. Even as a kid I didn’t want to get married.

  9. Another expression of Mars/Saturn is periods of intense sexual activity with many partners followed by long periods of no sex (other than with oneself). I have a natal 7th house Gemini Mars opposed by a 1st house Sag Saturn. In my early years all of my relationships started with sex. If it was good, well we could go further. If it wasn’t, well then we would just be friends. As I entered my middle twenties, however, I began realizing that the fellows I was fooling with were frequently moving on whether or not the sex was good. This was in the early 80’s and I was in the South and outlooks were not the same as those in the north and in the 70’s. I knew precious little about astrology at the time, but I would guess that I got serious about what sex means to me around the last time Saturn went into Libra. I just checked at astro.com. It was during Saturn’s last transit into Libra that I realized that being “frisky” didn’t work for me all that well. Since than I have had long periods (up to five years) of celibacy. I have gotten more serious (Saturn) about sex (Mars). Or rather, I have recognized that I am serious about sex, and have actively employed what works best for me.

    I would hazard a guess that all Mars/Saturn contacts are serious about sex, but as Elsa has pointed out, just express it differently. My best friend, a Gemini (her sun conjuncts my mars), has a similar aspect (Mars/Saturn contra parallel) and had lost count of the men she had had sex with by the time she was 25. She is serious about sex, but her seriousness is about experiencing sex. Conversely, another long-time friend is a Taurus. She too has that aspect (the contraparallel)and has had sex with one man. She’d been in love with this man for over thirty years by the time she finally had sex with him, and did not have a commitment from him. Yet she had sex with him off and on for several years. She was serious about the meaning of sex, as she assumed that having sex with him would lead to marriage. He too is a Taurus and has the same aspect she does, but his expression of it more closely parallels mine. He tends to have periods of celibacy followed by periods of activity.

    The four of us were born very close together with fewer than 60 days between my birthday and the Gemini’s birthday. The two Tauruses and I grew up together in an atmosphere where if you were a still a virgin at age 16 people thought you were strange. Many of our contemporaries had children before they graduated from high school, and some in jr. high. I finally gave up my virginity the summer between junior and senior year. The Taurus man, I think, was senior year. the Gemini, however, grew up in a much more strict environment, did not drink or indulge in controlled substances (the rest of us did), and had divested herself of her virginity before she was 13 years old.

  10. I knew a person with Mars Neptune square who was deprived of sex who couldn’t control their extreme urge to watch porn.

  11. Liz Greene noted Saturn in Scorpio can go either way. Scorpio in general will be celibate for long periods, especially if they don’t feel a deep emotional connection with anyone.

    Pluto is more about control and denial of sex, either to one’s self or a lover, is ultimately about control.

    hmmmmmm extreme belief sets, either right or left, usually are about “Being Right” at all costs and shoving that opinion down everyone’s throats . . . and that’s pretty darn controlling!

  12. i was virgin at 19. and at college that meant that a lot of the men i was interested in were freaked out by the idea, and then others (creepy ones) were drawn to me and i had to dodge the slime. i ended up just doing it with some random guy so i could get away from the stigma. and it was awful, and i spent the next 12 years with long periods of celibacy interspersed with relationships that fell apart under 3 months. but i learned fast that without really strong attraction (a sign from the psyche, apparently) i was going to be dealing with cleaning out unpleasant energy for a long time before i’d even be interested again.

    and mars/neptune

  13. Wow, wyrdling, you have some pretty heavy aspects there. Not surprised there was conflict about sex.
    I was a virgin til 19 too, but I never experienced any stigma for it.

    I think some people (and I’m one of them) may just have to be more careful than others about how they express themselves sexually.

  14. I’ve been googling this topic. I’ve read that Pluto is just an intensifier. It doesn’t say anything specific,though.

    On another note, I wonder if there’s a difference between people who have low sex drive/ are asexual and people who remain celibate because of ideals or circumstances.

  15. I’m reading a bio of Flannery O’Connor & she died a virgin.


    partially because of her Catholicism, later disability and odd way of not really relating to people.

  16. LisLioness: maybe choice is related to Virgo somehow, while someone whose desire wasn’t so strong/was diverted would have water or neptune aspects.
    (Unrelated shiny chicken, but ooh! I love Flannery O’Connor.)

  17. I was sexually reborn when Pluto crossed my natal mars in the first house and (at the same time) mars crossed my natal venus. Dayumm. I can’t imagine having strong pluto/mars in real life – that must be some kickass sex right there.

    I have Saturn (Aries) trine Mars (Sag) and swing between promiscuity and celibacy. But I actually attribute sexual dry spells to too much virgo and my venus mars square.

  18. Re: Flannery O’Connor – My feeling is that the Saturn Neptune square from the 5th and 8th house were what kept her from giving in to any desire.
    I have 5 planets in Virgo in the 8th house and I had a healthy sexual introduction at 19 as well. I was cautious about when and with whom and it paid off!

  19. I don’t know what time she was born so ignore the houses – astro.com does it as a noon chart if the time is unknown.

  20. I think it’s highly coincidental that someone (not from here) was talking to me about this THE DAY you posted this.

  21. well Bananas, I think this is a lot more common then people think. Matter of fact I am sure the 80/20 rule applies. It’s just not as rare or unheard of as people think which is one of the points I wanted to make.

  22. I thought Flannery O’Connor had lupus?

    wyrdling your story resonated (I don’t have the same story but it resonated all the same).

    I do know someone who is a virgin, almost 40. She wanted to wait until she was married and it hasn’t happened yet. Once she said to me “If I knew how long it would be I would’ve had sex with [her serious boyfriend from her 20s].

    I really enjoy talking about different sexual approaches. We don’t all have the same psychological makeup, or sexual life.

  23. Don’t know much about virgins. With pluto in scorp squaring my leo mars in the first house it’s pretty much fuck or die.

  24. I’m wondering how retrograde planets play into this. I’ve heard that retrograde Venus usually have fewer partners. I can’t personally speak to this. However, my retrograde Mercury (8th house) was somewhat constrained when it comes to writing. It was many years before I had the courage to volutarily write something, especially if it could be read publicly. If I thought someone might find what I had written and read it, I thought twice about it. Things are better now that it has turned direct. I’ve not read anything at all about how retrograde Mars is expressed. Outer planets probably don’t have much to do with it.

  25. I waited until almost 21–Venus Saturn there, of course. And again, that Scorpio thing of not boinking unless really interested means I break records for not doing it :P.

    I have one friend who’s about 30 and still a virgin, and I don’t think she’ll ever have sex. She ONLY wants unattainable men (i.e. old and gay, or some other reason to not be able to get him) and says she won’t even hold hands until marriage and cites Christianity for that. Yes, I think something bad happened to her in childhood to bring this on. I think it’s just lip service when she says that she wants to. I don’t think she ever will because she cannot deal with sexuality.

  26. LisLioness – I was 25, too, and I have Venus-Pluto conjunct in Virgo! Must be something to that. 😉 I was very particular. But once I turned 25 I just did it with the next available guy to get it over with. Soon after, I did have a boyfriend.

  27. Mostly, I have never been interested in sex (my poor ex). When I heard about what was involved when I was a kid on a sleep over, it totally grossed me out. I’m thinking that it is related to some past life trauma.

    Then a while ago , I met a man who totally seduced, charmed and flattered me, and I fell for it. I felt very special and singled out. And it was the first and only time in my life that I absolutely adored sex. We just fit. My whole body was totally electrified and I fanaticized about sex just about 24/7. I had this gut wrenching sexual energy and desire that would not quit. I’d fly off somewhere and when the plane bumped down, I would have my eyes closed and would gasp and be fantasizing that he was entering me. My whole body was in a very vibrant pleasure mode all day long. Nothing like I have ever experienced before.
    And we would have coffee in the morning in bed and talk about various topics and issues. I miss those talks, i.e. it crossed several levels, not just 2nd Chakra raw.

    I told him that even if this didn’t last and we were not meant to be, that now I could die happy knowing what it was all about.

    Well of course it didn’t last. He was a semi player and had various personal issues. And I know that I had a contract with him and that his purpose in my life was to motivate me to get out of a lifeless marriage, which it did. And I thought at the time that if I could fall this badly for someone else, I cannot stay in this marriage, it’s just not fair.

    Now here’s the interesting part. Mark had been a lightning strike victim. He was in a sailboat race on Lake Michigan as the pilot, and the boat was struck. He had both hands on the wheel and was fried. The Emp’s told him that they couldn’t believe that he was still alive.

    I didn’t connect the dots until a few years later, but I had read an Alice Hoffman novel in which she wrote a long and seemingly well researched account about lightening strike victims and how they have these support groups and about all these totally weird and wired symptoms and electrifying symptons they have. And it finally struck me that Mark had this wired energy in his body that awakened me.

    Wow, bummer. So if I ever want to have great sex again, (yawn), then I have to go out and target lightening strike victims? :))

  28. I have a friend who was a virgin until the age of 28. She would say (while still a virgin)she wanted to marry as a virgin. It took an older man to just be patient and giving and she finally got off her V plates. Turns out all that time she had vaginismus, and any time she felt stress or pressure, her poonie would just clam up to the size of a pore and NOT ADMIT A THING. She had daddy issues- my housemate also has daddy issues and lost her V plates at 14. So yeah, I can see how the same issue gets expressed in opposite ways.
    I think our modern attitude to sex has alot to do with it. All the focus on penetration and friction leads boring, empty sex that has very little true sensuality. I can see how you wouldn’t really want to race in and paricipate in all that junk-food sex if you managed to stay out of it for 30 years.

  29. Hmmm, I wrote a pretty lengthy comment on this post… For some reason it isn’t showing, but this has got my mind spinning…. Elsa, just a heads up… I may be having a consultation with you soon. 🙂

  30. Well,

    I’m not religious, my home life was very open – in fact I knew more about sex that any other of my friends as a child.
    Both parents taught me about sex before I went to school (I’m sure I wasn’t interested but they wanted me to know that stuff). I always thought I would have sex, but didn’t.
    I have many books about sex, I tried to educate myself on the matter.

    I didn’t want to get married as my parents divorced before I was 3. The next time I saw my mother I was 15 and she brought out the german sex manuals again. Like after watching them you would want to do it!!!

    I was a Play girl subscriber for a year.

    I just never met any men! I have never been even close.

    I didn’t choose to be without – there just never was anything.
    I guess I just wanted to be special for someone – to fall in love with someone who felt the same way about me.

    Didn’t happen.
    Now I just have given up. I don’t think I will ever have sex, but you can’t miss something you never had, right?

    I will never have children, sex, a man nor get married.
    And you wonder why to get up in the morning???

    I don’t have mars-saturn connection. I don’t have anything in 8th.
    The useless mars is in pisces.

    Sorry a bit long!

  31. mari, maybe you’d be attracted to people with strong Uranus energy? Uranus rules lightning after all.
    Failing that, maybe someone who works with kundalini?

  32. yeah, all those venus aspects create what i call my “venus complex”. a little too jangled to characterize.
    it is also, retrograde.
    and i have that virgo ascendant.
    and a pisces mars.

    and, i think it’s mercury on my ascendant? or venus/saturn… but i’ve look about 2/3 my age since i hit puberty. maybe will be nice when i reach 60, if it holds up, but it meant that at 19 i was attracting pedophiles. gross.

    i, also, didn’t particularly miss it, for a very long time. in fact, there were a few years where i wondered if i was just asexual. i found out otherwise, but it took a couple of remarkable men for me to realize it. heartbreaking relationships, because i was pretty clueless, which they found profoundly unsettling, but it helped me figure out what my sex drive actually was (and how extraordinarily particular it is…)

  33. Avatar
    sadge fella aka g

    -Saturn in Scorpio (5th house, no less).
    -Mars square Pluto/Saturn.
    -Venus/Neptune sextile Pluto.
    Sex is scarce despite a huge sex drive.
    If it’s not meaningful then why bother?

  34. Interesting.

    My story is different as I am an SA survivor. Was promiscuous very young and have been celibate about 13 years. Not bc of disinterest or lack of drive, but my experiences have been on the humiliating degrading side. My bff has had similar and she is older, but been celibate for about 20 years.

  35. I am so sorry to those off u who have experinced abuse…hope you will one day get a healing experience and that you can finally be free of the course<3<3<3Wish u could transfer all the pain to the abusers off the world…I can not imagine what you guys have to lve with.My heart goes out to all of you.

    virginity….this is my main reason why I need to get a elsa consult …as soon as I can afford it:)!!
    I am 24 , female , virgin and get this ..unkissed…!! I dont know how I managed to get here…I want sex, I am sexual…I might not look like a supermodel…but I know really I am not that ugly either.What can I do…everytime someone comes close to me..I panic..usally I end up running off..seriously…I dont want a relationship, I dont belive in monogomy..I just want s…and its killing meee..

  36. Beth thank you for your input. However, as much as I love Aquarians, they are not my cup of tea, intimately speaking, I don’t synch with perfectionism.

    But who knows? In the meanwhile I do not feel deprived at all. Which may or may not be worrisome.

    In the old days, I would fanaticize and long for a warm body to be close to. Now I seem to be a cat lady who’s main Love attacks and bites my hand at night if I touch the wrong place (which is anywhere but his head)

    There is hope for me yet. I have thought back about this. Every 7 years, as my Saturn Libra Ascendant squares, opposes or whatever, there has been a relationship, a learning experience. The first return brought what I considered for a long time to be the “love of my live” Now since it’s the big one again, it will be interesting to see what develops. As an intimate relationship is furthest from my mind. But on the other hand I would like to think I have learned my lessons, boundaries, but who knows?

    And as I heard one of my mentors say last week, “It can be hard to move on, because we always have to give something up.” And she talked about moving from Singleton to connection. Beth thank you for your input. However, as much as I love Aquarians, they are not my cup of tea, intimately speaking, I don’t synch with perfectionism.

    But who knows? In the meanwhile I do not feel deprived at all. Which may or may not be worrisome.

    In the old days, I would faniticise long for a warm body to be close to. Now I seem to be a cat lady who’s main love attacks and bites my hand at night if I touch the wrong place (which is anywhere but the head) Like a relationship would mean that you have to give up many aspects of the the joy of having your own space. Exactly!

  37. I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but I’m a married virgin. My spouse and I love each other very, very much and are passionate and pretty easily satisfied in bed (if you know what I mean). We’ve been together for a really long time, do make love often, share intimate moments with each other, talk about everything… It’s just the full-blown intercourse that we haven’t done yet.

    We’re certain that this will be a beautiful experience. We love the idea of a family, but we’re not ready for children, yet, and we want to do this right. Not perfectly. Just right for us and for the child/ren we bring into this world. Also, I’m not keen about birth control.

    We’ve been well off without stress. What matters is that we have something unique and special and close and, because of it, we offer so much to others.

    I love my spouse, and he loves me. We’ve grown a lot, together. We share the same non-religious vision when it comes to intercourse and children. Oh, and no worries… There is no shortage of affection or fiery passion, neither beneath the sheets nor within our relationship.

    I thought that we were in a bizarre position until I read this:

  38. Hi. My chart was up in one of the colosseums, but I’d prefer to be anonymous in this more public space.

    Another mars-saturn conj (in virgo!) with no sex life. Add squares to both venus & neptune in opposition. Venus is trine pluto (7th). I don’t really think my problem is sex – I think it’s relationships. How on earth to get into one??? I can attract people I’m interested in, but rarely enough that they want to go out with me. I’m attractive, but not quite enough for the charismatic men I’m interested in – I don’t know whether it’s because of my overambitious cap moon, or my airy venus taste being out of sync with the rest of my earthy-watery chart.

    I had my only proper relationship when I was 22 and had sex with him, but I waited quite far into the relationship until it felt safe and I don’t feel like we really got going (sex-wise) before we split up. I don’t feel we split because of sex, it’s just we were long distance so didn’t get loads of…practice 🙂

    That was 6 years ago. There was also someone since I think I could have had amazing sex with (judging from everything else along the way), but held back because he didn’t like me enough to start a relationship. I’ve kissed about 30 men – that’s a few a year since I was 18 (first kiss 15).

    I don’t think I suit casual sex. I’ve been seriously considering it and almost did a year ago when v drunk, put pulled away last minute. I’ve been wondering if Pluto could provide the answer to the problem: perhaps I’d be ok without sex being part of something longterm/committed as long as there’s some genuine intimacy. I don’t want to feel like I’m performing tricks.

    I have a bad feeling that my sun conj vesta is a bad sign too. Other asteroids are involved too: Venus is conj Ceres and sextile Juno/north node in Leo. Sounds like I need something devoted, but don’t know how to get it.

  39. I was a virgin for about a month before my 26th birthday and I lost mostly because I wanted to actually experience sex. I knew how it felt but I hadn’t experienced it… Sounds weird but sometimes I seems to know about things without the need to experience it! So I found any guy that I remotely get along with and had sex with him about 2 weeks later. I didn’t really feel anything but pain!! Let’s just say that he was real well endowed… 😉
    I’ve realised that I needed to feel deeply and seriously to get involved at all.. it’s frustrating something because of my overactive imagination and romantic idealism!

    I got moon-mars-venus all square neptune and saturn-pluto in 5th house square 8th house mercury… and saturn in scorpio!!

  40. 35 years old and no sex life at all. Retrograde Mars/Saturn conjunction in Scorpio 5th house. Pluto in Libra 5th house, Venus in Gemini 12th house.

    As I’ve read the comments above it’s typical for Mars/Saturn.

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