Loonsounds Astro-Humor: How To Get Rid Of The Riff-Raff ‘Round The Zodiac

loon.jpgLoonsounds writes:

I recently experienced a very hard time terminating a relationship. I kept thinking that I terminated it, but no…he’s baaaaak. Then, after a day, I find myself thinking, “What on earth is this person doing in my house, and, really, where was my head when I let him walk in the door yet again?”

I thought I could use some help in this breaking up thing, and maybe you can too, so I have broken it down by sign on the DC in order to throw out some ideas for clearing out the riff-raff. Here they are:

Aries Be a mouse grabber. Never follow their lead. Keep a steady dialogue with all of your exes. Fool with their hair after they just fixed it. Forget their birthday. Try to order them around.

Taurus Acquire some credit cards by placing their name first on the application. Don’t tell. Sit in their chair. Hide/eat all the sweets in the house. Insist on joint accounts. Refuse to sign a prenup.

Gemini Don’t let them get a word in edgewise. Regarding gossip, make it clear that you are “above it all.” Be Possessive. Get call waiting and put them on hold. Avoid sexual experimenting.

Cancer Be rude to their mother’s face. Never laugh. Insist on having it done your way in the kitchen. Be moodier than they are. Sabotage their family reunion. Chip away at their nest egg.

Leo Laugh at them instead of with them. Yawn when they are talking (don’t cover your mouth.) Criticize their hair, then say you are only kidding. Remove all the mirrors. Majorly outshine them.

Virgo Criticize them. Be extremely vague. Continue to have sex, but don’t let them satisfy you. Blow your nose often, scattering used tissues all around the house. Call them at their job to chat.

Libra On your paired outings, gawk at other babes/dudes. Rant when they talk about their exes. Women: fart and belch a lot. Men: Scatter your soiled tighty whitys (inside out) & miss the toilet.

Scorpio Stop hiding things. Tell them you are renouncing sex for Lent or call them by the wrong name during sex. Make unilateral decisions on everything. Always be late. And you drive. Period.

Sagittarius Cry whenever they are painfully honest. Threaten suicide on their cell while they are overseas. Take the only vehicle, then stay out all night. Hide their keys. Make them to-do lists.

Aquarius Loudly oppose their latest cause. Initiate daily heart to heart chats about your personal feelings and moods. Tell them what to wear. Reiterate: “Baby, it’s me and you against the world.”

Capricorn Do everything to excess. Hang all over them in public. Get drunk at their office party, and make out with their colleague’s spouse. Stop strangers with strollers to drool over the babies.

Pisces Quit drinking (or at least, quit drinking with them). Overuse the word budget. Make them give you every detail of their day. Share athletes foot. Go #2 while they are trapped in the bathtub.

What other obnoxious qualities are deal breakers for you? What sign is on your Descendant?

29 thoughts on “Loonsounds Astro-Humor: How To Get Rid Of The Riff-Raff ‘Round The Zodiac”

  1. Gemini/Scorpio here. Boring me to death (Taurus first husband – I was young and didn’t know better!) or cutting me off from sex would do it for me. I’ve ended two different relationships after being cut off.

    I don’t mind riding with someone who is a good driver but in my current relationship I prefer to drive. My man is far too cautious to drive effectively in Atlanta so we’re both happier when I drive.

    I tell people I read cards for all the time to set their gold standard first and THEN look for a serious relationship. So many of the people you will be attracted to aren’t going to be a good fit but will teach you what you like and need if you pay attention. If you get clear about what you want you will be able find it. And likewise if you know what your deal breakers are you will be able to find someone who fits you. It’s all about a good fit. Love is easy. Finding someone who fits you is a bit more challenging and is the key to a lasting relationship in my opinion.

    Great post!

  2. Forcing me to explain everything I do/am is a definite deal breaker. I refuse to be micro-managed by anyone (including myself, which is why I’m all over the place).

    Gemini on the DC

  3. Oh good, I was looking for the opportunity to ask you your sign, Elsa P. :oP ummmmm, “Des.” ???

    I am a Scorpio, Taurus moon, and I am sad to say I am time challenged. Give me an hour, day, month, year – I’ll be late for sure. :::deep sigh:::

    I need an intervention.

    Any offers?

  4. Lessen your communication with me – even for a day–even if a tornado destroyed your house. That equals neglect to me which sends me looking for replacements. I have no idea what my descendant is. How do i figure that out?

  5. Ms. Scarlett – I guess it’s exactly opposite your ascending sign. I just checked mine on Astro.com. My ascending sign is Pisces, my descending sign is Virgo.

    Am I right, anyone?

  6. These are so freaking funny!!!! I always wondered why my bf cared about his damn hair so much, but hardly anything else, it’s his Leo descendant. The Virgo is spot on for me.

  7. As someone with an aries descendant… I LOLed. Sounds familiar.

    To those that don’t know what a descendant is, it’s the degree exactly opposite your ascendant (aka. beginning of the 7th house).

  8. Gemini DC

    Hate long periods of silence. Don’t phone me while you are gone for the w/e and i will kick you out…..
    Oh seems like that has allready happened…
    well then let me see….

  9. Thanks, loonsounds! I really enjoyed it. Mind me posting it to my clueless friends?

    By the way: “my” taurus doesn´t mind ME sitting in HIS chair. Needless to say that noone else is allowed to even dare trying. Now I know it´s because I never hide the sweets…(useless, he finds them anyway).

    Elsa, I´m so glad you decided to stay! I´m always here, just too lazy to write during the last months. New love and happiness and all (see above ;-)).

    Consider yourself digitally hugged…

  10. Oh, I forgot to mention:

    My DC is in Gemini, conjunct his moon. Don´t ask me about dealbreakers, I´m just being spoiled rotten.

  11. Capricorn DC – Be late to something important, have bad manners, embarrass me in public and I won’t ever forget it.

  12. Loonsounds. This is great. I sent the link to my sister. Scorpio DC. I like to drive. I have no planets in the 7th house, although my husband’s Sadge sun resides there.

  13. I have Capricorn rising so It appears that i have Cancer DC – honestly, i don’t recognize ANYTHING about that sign in my personality.

    I’d probably offend your mom first. Plus I am a notorius practical joker. One of the most satisfying moments of my last marriage was getting my x husband to eat blue and white dog kibble by telling him it was imported Israeli candy.

    I do relate to the Gemini however. I LOVE the writing and the humor in this piece. Thank you.

  14. HahahahhahahaA!!!!!! I related to the capricorn stuff, but what really above and beyond it all drives me nuts (Because I can control everythign else right?) was the virgo thing “Call them at their job to chat”

    I’ve actually sent my friends to voicemail “Look, I can’t talk, talk as long as you want in my voicemail and I’ll listen later!”. That’s not awful is it? I’m working! WORKING!! or surfing the internet. Heh.

  15. Leo DC here, and I can verify that it’s completely true **tosses hair whilst looking in the mirror** LOL

    However, not sure on the Taurus one…my man is Taurus DC (and Taurus Sun, too) and he’s always bugging to join our funds & I’d prefer keeping them separate! What’s funny tho’ is that he’ll swear he doesn’t like sweets, but if he picks any up from the store he’ll flip if someone else eats them first! hee hee!! 😀

  16. That’s so funny Lilly:

    I’ve been learning to toss my hair from my Leo girlfriend. We make quite a joke of it (doing it many times) and laughing! :oP

  17. sounds like making trouble Loonsounds, I am sure there are better ways to get through to someone. Very humorous all the same. “mouse grabber”? never heard that one before.


  18. Cracked me up!!!! Capricorn DC, but Sadge sun sitting really close to my DC and they both fit. My husband used to try and put his hand in my back pocket like the cowboys do when we were first dating…I’d wriggle around like a cat covered in tape to get out of that hold. He doesn’t do that, but now he’ll park blocking my car in the driveway. Makes me CRAZY!!!! It’s not that I have anywhere to go, I just want to be able to go if I feel the urge. It’s almost like he’s trying to get rid of me…either that or bless his heart, he just doesn’t have a clue. Well done Loonsounds!

    BTW…can’t imagine life without you Elsa…I consider you family…glad you are sticking it out.

  19. Oh my, love this. Gemini sun,Leo ascendant.The Leo thing is so true!Actually it’s all true. Would love to upset a Cancer, only I can’t put someone’s mom on spot like that. Family reunion it is!!

  20. Absolutely harlirious Loonsounds. Virgo DC. My whole family leaves tissues around the house constantly and it bugs me to bits!

  21. Thanks again for everyone who is laughing!

    Kundrie, no I don’t mind.

    Kingsley, it was all tongue in cheek and thanks for saying it’s humorous.

    Re: mouse grabber, if you’ve ever experienced the phenomenon, you would know. Say you are trying to google something, and your partner is over your shoulder or sitting next to you, but you are the one doing the search. But they have their own way, which they think is faster, or superior, so they keep grabbing the mouse to take over the search.

    Signing off, Loonsounds Leo Moon Baby Boomer trying to **toss her hair. I still have plenty of mirrors, too, but I keep only the flattering ones. Maybe I need to find someone with Aquarius Rising.

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