Losing Friends & Lack Of Trust

equilibriamI value communication more than most. With a packed 8th house, I’ve always had an inner circle. These are people I can talk to about anything. Literally, anything.

The planets have aligned in such a way; my entire inner circle is ill, if not gravely ill. Two of them have already passed. I’ve heard of this happening to a person, but to experience it firsthand, is staggering.  Not to feel sorry for myself – I don’t. It’s my friends who are suffering.  But when you get hit from every quarter…

My husband was a Green Beret.  There’s a lot to learn from someone like him.  For example, there are a number of sensitive points on a human body. If you hit two of them, simultaneously, it overwhelms the body and the target collapses.  This feels like that, but of course I’m not going down.  Wolverine, here.

Left standing, I look around for what I’m going to do about this. I can continue to work. I like to work, I like this work, so I’m good there and grateful I have this.  But my work is about the other party. It’s not a give and take exchange like a conversation with a friend. Never mind, my connections are all decades old. The history! I’m left with a memory, like a wisp.

I had period like this in my 20’s. I didn’t handle death very well at the time. I shoved everything down. I’m better equipped today, but on the downside, people don’t seem to make friends anymore.  They nod at each other and hurry back to safety.  I do it too. I’m people! It’s as if all trust is broken.

Many feel people with a background of abuse are impaired, on all levels, in various ways. I do not feel this way. I’m one of these people and I function, all day, every day, for more than a half a century.  I think it’s a projection. My sister and I saw this clearly, when we were in our twenties.

Who Garners Your Compassion And Sympathy?

So here’s the twist – we’re all abused children at this point. We’ve all be lied too and tricked. Have we become dysfunctional because of it? I think so.

I used the picture on this post to represent “equilibrium”, a few days ago. But I’ve been mulling this; thinking about losing friends and how I might possibly cope.  Become, Henry? Make new friends? How? Friends trust each other.  Abused people struggle with trust.

When I look at the picture now, I see a person, delicately balanced. You don’t want to breathe on them, never mind, have a real and true conversation. I’m in trouble here, but I will figure it out, I’m sure. I’m like that! But do you also notice, people no longer trust each other?

Some say, no one ever trusted anyone, but I know this is not true as I’ve been fortunate enough to have real friends who betray, no one.

Could this breed be dying out? Seriously, I’m asking.

46 thoughts on “Losing Friends & Lack Of Trust”

  1. I know what you are talking about! Since 2019, I have lost a good number of people who were rock solid foundations in my life for decades; a few moved away, but most passed away. Thanks, Pluto in the 12th. In this latter part of my life, I have to find my footing on unfamiliar ground, and that means finding a new home and new friends. Since I am a Cancerian, this hurts tremendously. How do you form deep friendships in your later years? You don’t have time on your side, and it can be difficult to meet people. Let me know when you find the answer, Elsa.

    1. I will, Margaret. I have some ideas and for the record, I don’t think age matters, provided a person is reasonably healthy. Serious illness consumes a person. A person who is ill needs support, but if you’re older and can give and take, there is no reason you can’t make friends.

      I understand people make friends at work, but if you are retired, you’ve all kinds of time to make friends, if it’s a priority. Don’t count yourself out.

      1. I supported both my parents in their final bouts with cancer, especially my mother in her last few years. I know how physically and emotionally draining it is when you are juggling work, doctors’ appointments, and finding reliable health aides and the best doctors for her. And now I have to restart my own life socially.

      2. Being nearly 70yo, I live in an active over-55 community. I moved here because of all the reasons you mentioned about losing friends and those close to you. However, I am finding it is not easy to make new friends – sure acquaintances yes, friends, no. I grew up not having many friends – was abused and damaged, growing up years seemingly nothing like others had, moved 29 times – each time wishing and hoping for new starts, new lasting friendships.
        While being surrounded by others in their last life chapters, their third acts, so so many are holding on tight to whatever friends they still have- with whom they share history together, not wanting to start and invest in new friendships- why? for fear of losing them too soon due to the march of end of life? Too much effort? IDK.
        And trying to find common interests/grounds – not as easy as I thought. They-kids, grandkids, great grandkids; still married to first spouse and as such; have a plethora of finances to engage in extensive traveling which experiences punctuate many conversations. Me – none of these. Am the ‘odd-ball’, the misfit’. Doesn’t matter if I have joined all kinds of regular clubs and groups – knitting, ecology, reading/book clubs, it always ends up the same way – polite small talk during the get togethers only. So, have figured out, the common denominator is me – and will have to, at nearly 70yo, come to terms and accept that things will not change, I can only change my perspective and be content with the life I have.

  2. I have learned over time to appreciate my “cafe” friends its a very euro thing, mornings with a familiar group over espresso, coffee a 20 minute chat sometimes a argument but always a vibrancy to the day and something new to look forward to.

  3. This is such a deep topic. I’ve had several friends leave over the years, one to death, others moved & while the connection is still there, they are busy in their new life—- trying to make new friends where they live.

    I’ve lost one long term friendship lately because conversation became impossible—- they were very triggered by something I said, ( it pushed their trauma button & I had NO idea) they did not come to me to chat about it, so there was no time to try & clear the air.

    That has left me with one good friend standing—-& she’s moving 1000 miles away in the near future.

    I’m content to spend a lot of time alone, but a good friend or three makes life a lot more joyful!

    I’m now considering hosting a ladies night in at my house, for a group of women that might/ maybe/ could become a soul sister.

    The focus will start with sharing wisdom with one another. Tea, tarot cards, maybe some insightful questions to journal in & share what comes up ( that we are willing to share)

    But other kinds of wisdom would be welcomed—- how to make salves & tinctures, how to use homeopathy, sewing tips… canning tips…

    The list is endless. I’m hoping this will build a community of support, right where I live—-& out of the group, maybe some new friendships can grow.

  4. You all are lucky to have had or have such friendships. I’ve moved so much, even in my adult life, I never have beyond a few years, though thankfully I am close with my family (though at this point there are only four of us left). When I was very young, in my early to mid 20s, (the closest I ever had to ‘roots’) I had a very large group of friends across town, of every variety, so at least I got good at talking to people and relating to just about anyone.

    Though they wouldn’t be considered an inner circle, per se, I have also always made ‘cafe friends’ wherever I go. They are the people I see regularly throughout my days, over the course of my days. The place I am now is temporary as well (I suppose everything is, ultimately), but I’ll enjoy what I can while I’m nestled here.

    I used to say to my wife we were great at starting over; now I realize we are actually good at inhabiting moments. 😊

  5. Loss is hard especially when it is multiplied. I haven’t had too many friends in life. To me, this site is my friend.

  6. the covid bs, really threw me for a loop. i saw smart people thinking like idiots, judging the ones who see things clearly. this had massive real-life consequences for thise who are awake-job loss, business loss, societl isolation and even threat of incarceration. so ive lost trust on a societal level. its as if the idea of ‘humanity’ died for me. Lord forgive me but now I look at most people as potential enemies!

    1. Thank you for this honest comment. My husband and I went through this; disinvited from family. On the surface, it’s in the past but reading your comment, I have to admit I harbor similar feelings.

      Perhaps this is the reason for the lack of trust on my part. It’s not prominent. I don’t seethe or anything, probably because I had this crisis about 16 years ago.

      I was just getting crippled up at that time… a number of people told me I should not have a gun to defend myself and it hurt me. Really, that was the emotion.

      “You mean I have to be a crippled old lady who gets raped because I am not able to defend myself against a man/men who break into my house?”

      Answer was, ‘Yes”. A chorus of, “YES”. So yeah. That hit me square. Turns out I don’t like being sacrificed!

      1. I’m sorry you experienced that disinvitation, and the earlier hurt as well. I got the one-two punch too: left what I now consider a mild cult, and then, like everyone, was hit by the covid-era insanity. I’m so lucky my husband and I see eye to eye. Here’s hoping all our worlds can expand again sometime.

      2. thats unnerving. its quite scary to realize those people want you dead, but dont want to do it themselves!
        Im not actively angry about it, but its there. in the back of my mind. like a low level hum that I hear ever so often. I do believe it’s a slow moving civilisation crisis, and with pluto in aqua- a new dark age when it comes to trust in humans and human output.

        1. At the time, I lived in Aurora, CO. MY next door neighbor’s son was killed by a gun. She said she did not have a gun in her house because of this, but if I ever had to shoot someone and they were still outside, I could call her and she’d help me drag the body into the house. She also said if someone broke into her house, I should come over and shoot them with my gun.

          I said, “Marie? You got it!”

    2. elena, I’m dealing with this too. It’s like I’m always tense, waiting for potential friends or even current friends (and family) to betray me by showing an ugly side I saw so much—even for a while in myself—during these last few years. (The willingness to betray your values due to fear, and worse, to turn on others in the most us/them vicious way.) If I can’t find forgiveness for everyone, I’m going to have a hard time being part of society like I used to be. Here’s hoping our feelings towards humanity can soften somehow, or shift in a way that integrates forgiveness with what we’ve seen. For me, Neptune has ruled this deep disillusionment.

      1. i think the people who believed are paying the bigger price, some with their lives. and done with an eroded trust in their own minds. imagine feeling like a sucker! hard one to swallow.

      2. It’s hard to trust in lasting friendships when everyone disappears on you! When I was younger, two best friends moved away and I never heard from them again.
        In college, friendships only lasted a semester before the inevitable transfer to another school..no more contact.
        Later on, I’d make acquaintances of older people (they’re much less judgmental) only for them to vanish into care homes away from society.
        So what’s the answer? Don’t get involved. Don’t risk losing people who are only planning to leave. My train left the friendship station, never to return.

    3. Same!!!

      As if you wrote my feelings & situation. Too much has happened – I am done.

      I came into this world with such a loving heart, trusting and giving of myself right up until 2020.

      Now its one death around me after another of a ‘certain group’

      Post solar eclipse a father in law last week and a brother in law’s father so lost 2 in 7 days. It has not stopped for 2 yrs now. I know why and there is not a damn thing I can do, I did everything in my power.

      It’s astonishing – all of it. Thank goodness for gardens and hard work.

      1. I’m sorry for your losses. I’m sorry for all of our losses. Those of us who tried to warn the people we loved, the people we liked, the people we thought were “family” through thick and thin, who would have had our backs no matter what. I still trust, mostly, sort of, but with the understanding that it might end up “forgive them, for they know not what they do”. So many cancers, heart problems, strokes. They have no clue why and won’t hear it from me. It’s just sad. I haven’t been to a Christmas party in years. No one’s having birthday gatherings either. Reading previous comments, I hope those of us on the outskirts of society find each other and become great friends.

        1. This, exactly.
          I’ve never heard back from most of the friends or acquaintances I calmly but firmly tried to warn. Some are now gone. At least I know I tried.

        2. Indeed. I met a 79 yr old man recently who got every single shot that came out and developed a rare cancer on top of his head. It has to be treated 3 times a day by a visiting nurse. He also started having other major health problems. He’s doing better, but will never fully recover. And there is no guarantee he will continue to do better. Some people just don’t do well with “those things.”

        3. Thank you Martha, I am sorry for all of our losses as well. Yes I understand Warped and Starcrest.

          Elena below summed it up to a tee – “its a quiet genocide” and I would add that the feelings about this ‘quiet genocide’ are almost as if imprisoned in our minds and thoughts and kept to our selves for the most part because if expressed (waste of time) they are dismissed by the profoundly unbalanced and willfully ignorant people who are in fact being ‘genocided’ – it’s so twisted!

  7. I have a Sag moon and Venus in Gemini on my South Node. I make friends easily. At the same time, Saturn in Scorpio in my first house means I remain a bit of an outsider.

    I’ve moved to different cities several times in my life – so I know people in various parts of the world and now with the Internet I still feel connected to them. When lived in England – three of my close friends died. Well, actually, they died after I left . Plus, just leaving my life there was a huge loss.

    So I’m no stranger to loss.

    Scorpio rising and Venus in the eighth house ~ letting go seems to be a big part of my Life journey. I come from a large family – so I feel somewhat connected, but I also live far away – gives me space from family drama.

    My point is~ I’ve always been part of a clan or community ~ yet a bit of a wanderer~ and I will probably remain so to the end of my days.

    I had a dream last night that I was invited to move into a large shared house.( I live alone right now). It’s interesting to consider living with others again (When I lived in England, I rented rooms in various houses). I was married young, so I did the whole college thing in reverse.

    I think that shared accommodation might happen more often now with the cost of things rising daily and with people needing connection – so maybe we will learn to reach out again.

    In the more alternative communities, there are many ways to connect with other people. I think that is the new model

  8. Unfortunately, there are few people I trust. I trust my children. My living sisters. It appears that friends and betrayal go hand and hand when it comes to me.

  9. I got the news that my oldest, closest, and last friend from the past is dying after several bouts of cancer. Not long after I got news that an astrologer I used to follow and interact with years and years ago killed her family on the eclipse. There seems to be these cycles of bombardments of bad news in my life. In 2015-17 practically everyone in my life died, disappeared, or lost their marbles (never to return).
    I don’t know what it is about me (or if it is about me) that has led to witnessing so many people from my past over the years on the news for some heinous or bizarre circumstance.
    All the current aries stuff is in my 3rd house. I expect more shocking news, but could it please be shockingly good? Or hilarious? I am open to that possibility.

    1. I realize my comment missed the point of the post, as I got into my personal woes. It’s about friendship and trust. We are in a pretty sad phase, especially the younger generations, and I don’t have much hope (or at least I don’t expect) to experience true friendship and trust outside of my marriage at this point. I feel mostly surrounded by mind effed individuals at every level. Being one of those abused people is probably how I cope. Amassed a lot of tools over the years. I wonder if the Saturn Neptune conjunction in aries could be the cosmic shrill alarm clock that shakes us awake.

  10. Yes emotional neglect is a form of abuse and I know it really well. I have pluto Saturn in my 4H and venus in my 11H. Never had a problem making new friends, I ve met so many but in my 20s a lot of people would distance themselves from me at some point. Growing up I got better, solved my issues and now I am the picky one with friends not wanting just anyone because I can’t be alone. I think my Gemini venus in 11H has helped attract people in my life despite the difficulties

  11. I believe the most sincere and loyal people (and likely hardest lived experiences people=US) are the people we need but are also either the people we lose or people we never quite find because rarely are we in the company of others like ourselves. Those of you that are are SO GD LUCKY. We are the balance that keeps the world spinning (separated by enough space to keep that balance) but we are ‘dying’ because we also need people like ourselves. We can’t carry the world forever without damage. Wisdom will only bandage us up so much. Without family, friends, grandchildren, mates, siblings, relatives, work colleagues etc. some of us (ME) are questioning the point of it all. If this is it, this nothingness, this literal lacking mixed with chronic pain and sickness alone to advocate for ourselves in a system continuing daily to prove that we have no value (partially because we aren’t in reproductive years anymore and we lack a dick and or live in poverty because our ‘people’ somehow turned out to be greedy selfish humans with an idea that gratitude and love and respect (earned) and loyalty etc etc aren’t enough to justify a return of any kind later on if needed)… then wtf is the point. Everywhere I look I am being told I am nothing. I know my own value but that doesn’t pay the bills (or buy toilet paper and pay dmv required bills etc) or advocate for my health or keep me safe or hold me when I am on my 7th ugly cry of the gd day because I am old enough now that there isn’t anything anymore that doesn’t remind me of a loss or the lacking’s or the damage. There is no escaping it and there is no fixing it and there is no one to even talk about it with except ones self. Again. I mean yes, we are dying out but more by our own hands because we are SO DEPLETED than by anything else. So I say if you have one of these people in your life and they are actually showing or asking for support or help or anything GIVE IT TO THEM because we don’t ask unless we are really in deep. I will never understand how people take so much and give so little if anything back but don’t recognize the importance of the need when the givers finally ask for aid. Like we literally will not ask anyone for help for anything but show up for everyone else thinking they would do it for us later BECAUSE we were there for them but we don’t want to take advantage so we don’t ask until we really need help and that is when they offer nothing. It’s so weird to me. This odd way of rationalizing in the world right now. The way verbalizing intention without any action whatsoever is considered a deed that can be used as an excuse later to gaslight someone asking for help (finally) when they have actually done absolutely nothing for you but are responding with animosity as if they had (?) I mean had I realized I would not have invested so damn much but that is GenX’s burden. We believed the hype about doing unto others and getting what we give… and now we are dying alone trying to figure out wth happened.

  12. Regarding lack of trust after covid… I didn’t feel betrayed by people because I had become a cynic due to childhood abuse. My opinion of humanité has been low for years. However, I was deeply disturbed to see how quickly people devolved, but the funny thing is, I found a silver lining… that some people I knew behaved that way because they wanted to survive and protect their loved ones. It’s nasty work, but that actually made me want to get out of my shell and connect.

    Unfortunately for me, I ended up moving to the most unfriendly city I’ve ever lived in with expats who still harbor hate.

    I’ve known my best friend for over 25 years. Despite her staying in our home town and me moving from place to place we’ve both made the effort to keep in touch. Now, I’m in Paris and have been struggling on the friendship tip.

    There are SO many lonely people here. Mostly women move here for love and their stories don’t end well. They depend on their partners and become isolated, then when the relationship is over, they have no one to support them. Not only that, but parisians are some of the most unfriendly people I’ve ever met. If you want to talk about trust issues, come to France or really anywhere in Europe.

    Anyway, I was telling a friend that I’m part of a lot of “X in Paris” groups that are created to eventually find a group of friends. Usually what happens is you meet for a group activity, exchange numbers and then never hear from the person after that. You also join a group, propose some time to hang out. Ppl say yes, then they cancel at the last minute and go somewhere to complain about why they don’t have friends. Then there are the people who lurk who want to be active, but they wait doe others to do the planning for them.

    So far here, I’ve come across people who are content to meet once for twice, complain about their relationships TO you, get their social meter full then move on. It seems like an acceptable way to use people without admitting that that’s what’s being done?

    I’m mostly a lone wolf, but love a very small group genuine friends, so this way of relating is alien to me.

    So I guess now, I’ve kinda resigned myself to pouring real love into my childhood friends back home and during the day, have “cafe friends” that I do things with and keep it on the surface level.

    It’s a terrible existence and I’ve noticed that it’s gotten worse after covid, but I suppose that’s the way things are going.

    1. mokko, your comment was interesting to me, bc it reminded me of a pledge I had made to myself–I think it was back in 2007, about the time Pluto went into Capricorn. I am a Capricorn, and after the accident that killed our step-son, I started to see through social veneers, including my own. I saw that I was using people and connections in order to advance my job prospects. Now, I know it’s pretty acceptable as so-called normal practice, but in my soul, and after my husband’s son died, it was something that just didn’t go. So I stopped using friends and acquaintances to advance my own interest. Soon after that shift, I started to notice that many of the relationships in my milieu were based on hysteria and conformity. All this, over a period of 15 to 20 years, has led me to be more poor and more solitary! Like you, I’ve kind of committed myself to a small world of people who stand out to me as stars (because they have integrity, not because they are perfect). I can imagine myself blossoming outward again into a social scene, but the one I’d feel comfortable in doesn’t seem to exist here and now. Yet. Thanks for sharing your perspective; it makes me feel less strange. 🙂

    2. Mokko, I’m sorry to hear about the friend situation, it’s a bummer. I’m curious what prompted your move to Paris. I have been dreaming of a move to France in the future for retirement and maybe even before…I have few friends and family as it is (currently in the US) so I don’t have a lot to lose. I always had a solid friend crew, now there is really no one and I don’t like it at all. My husband is the only real heart connection I have at this point and it feels abnormal. Looking for a new way of life/place to call home but I don’t want to delude myself either. Would love to hear more about your circumstances.

      1. Yeah no problem! I moved here for schooling, basically to change my career. Paris is beautiful and so is the rest of France so don’t allow the friend station to deter you. They definitely have a “cafe friend” culture here for ppl who haven’t formed their own groups in primary school. Also, nearly every city outside of Paris is more friendly and there are even English speaking regions that are full of Brits who are (relatively) friendly.

        1. Thanks for the perspective. I’m pivoting for career as well, AI is gutting my industry. Still figuring it all out but if I move there we should have a cafe date!

          1. Oh absolutely. I plan on staying for a good while. I’m a tarot reading and you’ll easily find me. Don’t hesitate to DM me when you come. 💗

  13. I’ve suffered the loss of my husband, my father in law, 2 close friends, our beloved dog., all within the last year & a half. I’m left standing…wondering, why? I’ve since ‘lost’ so many people around me not to death but because of the deaths. One by one they’ve either exposed how little they can be trusted and how little investment they’ve had in me, in us..my husband & I. He was my best friend. He was the person I trusted & he trusted me. But at the end of his short life he lost his trust in me too. It’s a spiritual issue that played itself out in the physical realm. I often wonder if I’m a puppet for the Universe, the Gods, to play with. I’ve lost my trust in …almost everything. Except dogs. I trust dogs. I started fostering at my local animal shelter. Dogs have healed parts of me & taught me universal truths..and how trustworthy they are. I don’t know what this all means. I’m adrift.

  14. This thread has been a good read. Makes me realize I’m not alone, and I feel as though each person who posted articulated my thoughts exactly. Modern life is a huge challenge and disappointment. I confess that I never expected to have the life I now live, and I’m not doing well with it. I’m usually very upbeat but this recent eclipse cycle really knocked me for a loop (I’m very cardinal).

  15. I read this article a bit like my children listen to their friends’ stories of lost, loved fathers. They listen with a touch of envy rather than pure sympathy. Their friends describe a relationship to a father who wasn’t a psychopath. I have some friends, don’t get me wrong, but maybe something about natal Pluto sitting on the cusp of the 4th house or 6 planets in scorp, or moving around a lot as a youngster, I don’t know, the circle has happened a few precious times and then dissipated. But yes, there’s a lot of distrust, we’ve been divided over and over again in recent years. Which would all be okay if we found our inner core along the way, inner division surely plays out worse.

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