Loving Broken Women – White Knight Syndrome

Hi Elsa,

I’m just out of a relationship. The long and the short of it is that she loved me, but out of fear she dumped me for a married man. Now I know I did everything I could in this situation…. in fact, I held on for too long. But in the end, she chose him.

This is of course the edited version. But I keep finding myself in this kind of situation. I keep hearing, “You are wonderful and amazing and fantastic and perfect and someone I would be so happy spending the rest of my life with, BUT…”

Now I happen to think I am all these things. But once you’ve heard this speech a few times, the words start becoming hollow.

I’ve done my best to avoid drama situations. I used to always go for “broken” women… the White Knight syndrome I suppose. I’ve accepted this about myself and have fought to get out of that pattern. Both of my last relationships were with people I thought were, for lack of a better word, “okay”. It was later in the relationship that I found out how damaged they were… and the pattern began again, I suppose.

Any insight you could give would be greatly appreciated.

Left Holding the Bag

Dear Left,

So you heal your partner and you wind up wounded, huh? Well, I hate to tell you, but this “White Knight” thing is one of your jobs out there, so I think you’re going to have real trouble getting out of it.

That would be like a Virgo getting out of helping people. Forget about it! It’s not going to happen. But that same Virgo can discriminate. They can decide who they’re going to nurse and who can go begging and you can do similar. So here’s my plan:

Consider giving up on other people’s values. See if you can quit trying to chase down what other people say is ideal as far as relationship. You know. It ought to be this. It ought to be that.

Instead, embrace the idea that sacrificing yourself and “White Knighting” is in your nature. If you can do this, I bet you will find yourself feeling empowered and simply more aligned with everything around you. At that point – Stage Two.

This part is a personal trick. I figured this out one day and thought I was a genius. Since you know you’re going to heal your partner…and it’s going to wound you, what the hell? It seems like you’re hosed, but then I saw the solution! You only need find someone in the same condition as you. They’re out there and this works. Here’s how:

You heal them and become broken, which triggers their tendency to heal their partner. They turn around and care for you – which breaks them, causing you to step in and heal them…

Laugh if you want, but this works. I know, I’m living it. So this is who you’re looking for. Another wounded healer. It goes without saying; you must expose your wound, yes? Which is what you did when you wrote me, so you’re on your way.

Try a personal ad: “White Knight seeks same…”

Good luck!

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9 thoughts on “Loving Broken Women – White Knight Syndrome”

  1. I’m one of the “broken” women that attracts guys like the one who asked the question. I just always felt the dynamic was feeding their ego rather than actually helping me. I told one guy to fix himself. In a nice way of course. He actually ended up thanking me for saying that. He’s an Aries.

    Your advice is Something I had never thought of. It’s an interesting approach.

  2. this is great advice for young men who have that white knight syndrome, a lot of them have the pisces/virgo axis in their planets. like trying to heal/fix the ladies. they can’t change their nature for sure, but they can find the one they want to love forever/heal/fix forever together. it’s kind of romantic. my sisters live it with their partners, I didn’t think of it, but I believe me and my husband does too, but it’s so subconscious and we don’t really “see” it. we just live it.

  3. This dynamic was very present in my last relationship. The Virgo/Pisces Axis is the according 7th/1st house axis in my horoscope, and an intercepted one at that! Which means it’s energies that are hard to come to terms with, or get a really consciouss grip on.

    Must be the reason we split up at the Virgo eclipse. Too much damage for the whole of 2016, with its PITA aspects and not enough healing on either side of the court.
    I can’t begin to describe how horrible it’s been. But – AT LAST – just yesterday, it madr me fully aware that I have a compulsive “healer” gene. I find men who are broken, in areas of 8th house/Plutonian areas (being heavily Plutonian myself) – and I heal their wounds, after which they leave me and cheat on me…

    So, what can one do about that? I thought that my ex was the one. I could see myself as his wife. With tine, that wore off and the ugly Virgo stuck its nagging, critical head out. So, being more conscious of this dynamic should be able to help me in the future… Even if he was the one I thought I’d wanted to spend the rest og my life with…

  4. I’m there! My Cancer Sun-Virgo Rising husband and I switch up and off just as you describe. He rescued me in an old red Dodge, “Throw that bicycle in the bed,” he said twenty-two years ago. I did. What you describe is kaleidoscopic, it does shake up the way to look at the drama of being ones truly wounded and perfectly lovable healer in love with his equal. Great way to start my morning.
    That’s why I keep showin’ up!

  5. ‘You heal them and become broken, which triggers their tendency to heal their partner. They turn around and care for you – which breaks them, causing you to step in and heal them…’


  6. Very Libran with the give and take. I’m a lady white knight from this description, not surprising with Virgo asc, Pisces desc.

    I would love a white knight, lol. Big Daddy come and find your Kumquat!

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