Married Woman Stationed in Iraq Cheating With Married Man: Now What?

Dear Elsa,

I am a married woman currently stationed in Iraq and have been sleeping with a married man for the past eight months. He is also a Taurus.

We both agreed at the beginning that this was going to be just for pleasure. A couple of months ago, he told me he loved me over the phone. I pretended I didn’t hear. I think he might have said it out of habit of talking to his wife. Now he is saying it while we are having sex. He asks me also if I love him and I tell him no. I will not allow myself to fall in love with a married man, out of respect of his wife and my husband.

I know that sleeping with him is disrespectful but I’ve convinced myself that the situation is different. I am not the first that he’s fooled around with behind his wife’s back. He told me that it has been 25 women in the past 2 years. I want to keep this in perspective. He’s even suggested us getting together when we get back to the States. I want to talk to him, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.

What’s making this worse is my husband is talking about separation. Our marriage has been bad for the past 4 years out of the 8 that we’ve been together. I am very confused and kind of can’t wait for this to end, because my head feels like it’s going to explode. I tell myself that I’m not special to him and that I am just another girl added to his collection. What do you think this all means and what can I do about all of this.

Married and Cheating
United States

Dear Married,

Your lover has cheated on his wife with 25 different women in 2 years? I would be very skeptical of anything he says. After all, I am sure he told (and tells) his wife the same thing: “I love you”. So what you’ve got in your bed is a profound liar.

You do not state what it is you want to talk about but if you are thinking of leaving your marriage for this man… well I don’t think it matters one way or the other. You’ve got Pluto going over your descendant. You’ve got a Neptune transit to your Sun. You’re heading into intense crisis no matter what you do which is why you are feeling the way you are. It’s like this:

Your marriage is jacked up. Your lover is a creep. You’re at war and hopefully you’ll come home safe, but when you do you will have to process your experience and there is not one thing you can do to alter any of this. I say, try to breathe. Quit thinking about either of these men and try to center yourself – not just now but every chance you get.

This is the best advice I have: ground yourself. Forget all the things you’re doing, they’re not working. You need new skills. Either go deep inside and find your core strength or focus on faith and transcendence. But thinking either man is going to spare you in some way is erroneous.

Good luck.