When you leave a relationship that you’ve heavily invested in, pain is pretty much unavoidable. A person tends to go over and over the details, asking themselves if there were anything else they could have done that might have brought about a different outcome. While this might be productive in some cases, in other cases it just feeds the agony.
It’s common to think that your ex is going to get out there and have a fantastic relationship with some rock star or beauty queen. This is one of the reasons people hold on so long but the odds this is what happens in real life are very low. They are extremely low if the break-up is due to some fundamental problem a person has when it comes to relating to another.
Now I am not talking about some junk you throw on someone because they break up with you. I am talking about REAL problems that could not be resolved. Problems like addiction, mental illness, the fact someone is married or just the fact that a person is extremely independent and/or commitment-phobic.
If you are leaving someone with a problem like this, it’s a safe bet that their next relationship will play, pretty much the way yours did. This is if they’re lucky. More commonly, a person like this will rush out to fill the void and wind up with a downgraded version of you, and see everything degrade the same way it did with you, only quicker. This is because the universe frowns on people who don’t solve their problems, and rarely rewards them.
If you are suffering through a break-up at this time and you know that your relationship was untenable for whatever reason, consider cutting yourself some slack. Because if you did all you could and gave all you had, chances are you will be smiled on and you will be rewarded but to move into a space where this can happen, you’ve got to let go and look ahead.
Are you leaving a relationship that you know is unworkable? If so, are you torturing yourself? Why? Can you stop?
Yes. And, no, I am not torturing myself. (Except word-torture… ie: figuring out how to speak this without being harmful.)I wasn’t put on this earth to be responsible for other peoples’ patterns. I can only rip mine apart. And offer advice if I am asked. Or be a friend when needed.
Doing a lot of breaking up lately. The ones that were/are right stay in my life. The harmful get a lot of distance.
Want to make this current relationship work, but feel like it isn’t going in that direction. Hoping this is a test, but also recognizing patterns.
In myself, most of all.
Now to play fair, by all parties. (libra libra)
I love your posts on break ups and relationships. I am actually a huge fan of break ups, in the sense that I would rather go through unmeasurable pain than to slowly fade into a shadow of myself. grief can be such a compassionate teacher if you stay open: difficult work any way you slice it. keep transforming, keep growing. if I can leave a lover with integrity, I hope to exit my life with the same truce & grace.
Elsa speaks wisdom!
I have been there, but I grew from it. In the beginning I was torturing myself. But in a way I think it was necessary to learn from that agony…. that holding on was not serving me.
If you trip over enough on your own shoe-laces, you are going to eventually figure out you should sit down and tie them up.
Yes I have. It was unworkable because I just felt that he had the compulsion to ‘fix’ me. I told them to ‘fix’ themselves instead of ‘fixing ‘ me. And it I’m agonising over it because I’m wondering what part about me they didn’t like?! But at the same time its like f**k them… If they didn’t like me then I don’t like them either. Worse thing about it is that I see them all the time. They work around the corner from where I live. *sigh*
I just broke up with a widower who couldn’t seem to stop putting pictures of his deceased wife up whenever I was around. It was just too much weirdness for me to take.
“If you are leaving someone with a problem like this, it’s a safe bet that their next relationship will play, pretty much the way yours did.”
I soooooo get this! About 2 months after leaving my alocholic, abusive ex-husband, I had a dream that he was with someone else and HAPPY.
I woke up and laid there for a good 15 minutes trying to figure out why the dream upset me. I didn’t want him back. Wasn’t about to take him back. Why did the dream make me feel so darn sad?
I finally figured that it was because he was NICE to her when he was not nice to me.
Once I figured out I was jealous of other people receiving kindness that he just wasn’t able to give, I let it go and never looked back.
His relationship ater me was a nightmare for everyone involved – including the child who was a product of it.
thanks elsa, like most of your posts, this was surprisingly relevant to me, and very helpful!
I expect my ex’s new relationships (I hear he is still single) will probably go the way of all his priors – with the exception of me. I think if he had been willing to put in a little work, we could have had the relationship of a lifetime. He always picks broken, helpless women then resents that they need so much help from him. I think my ability to take care of myself – and him – amazed him I was SO not his type – for five years (longer that two of his three marriages). I kept my dignity intact and handled the breakup with sadness and a feeling of loss, but I appreciate all the good things he contributed to my life – and I told him so. I truly do not think I could have done more, so I guess I should feel good about that. DANG, though, it would be nice to have a truly good relationship once before I die! ….letting go and looking ahead……..
There are things I regret doing, ways in which I feel I failed, and it’s quite easy to get sucked into the other person. Not good, but I do want to do right by them. And so there is the last bits of contact sorting final things out.
Elsa, you have such a great way of great way of cutting to the chase with much love and tenderness. Somehow, you make challenging things so easy to accept.
I agree Roxana.
Yes. I have let go of a friendship, that I have been holding on to for way too long. At least in the sense that it would be anything more than it is. And I did EVERYTHING I could to love that person unconditionally, and with compassion. But it will never change. I would always be the one giving. And that would not be right for either one of us. So yes…I have now let go…and I hope that the Universe does forgive me, and understands that I did everything I could to love and honor that person..until it started to rip away at my soul and self-worth. I apologized and wished them the utmost happiness. And I meant it. Then I did the Scorpio Amputate.
Thanks Elsa, this helps a lot <3
“This is because the universe frowns on people who don’t solve their problems, and rarely rewards them”
This is a pearl Elsa…gonna keep it in my journal, thank you!!
I once read a quote ‘whoever bears a grudge, atones for the sins of other people’. with my libra ascendant conjunct libra venus, when i like people, i tend to let way too much pass without telling them that their actions cross some of my boundaries, and that is of course not healthy neither for me nor for the other party. but you don’t get it until you really get it, and then it’s up to you to do something about it of course..
I really have a lot of empathy for people who suffer through this. I’ve been there. Thankfully, I don’t go there anymore.
Great advice here for them. And, I’ve found that if your Neptuney, like me, it also helps to know that they are on their own path and staying in a relationship with them that isn’t working is a hindrance to them as well. Staying in a debunk relationship is damaging to you both. Especially when you can see there is no growth/change happening there for either of you.
Cut yourself some slack..for sure. The right action for all involved is never necessarily easy.
“If you are leaving someone with a problem like this, it’s a safe bet that their next relationship will play, pretty much the way yours did. This is if they’re lucky. More commonly, a person like this will rush out to fill the void and wind up with a downgraded version of you, and see everything degrade the same way it did with you, only quicker. This is because the universe frowns on people who don’t solve their problems, and rarely rewards them.”
Taurus ex just called me to say that he lost EVERYTHING on his computer and cell phone: bank account statements, checks, etc. re selling one of his houses. The woman who co-owned the house with him is a crook. Now she can say whatever she wants (i.e. take all the money they were supposed to divvy up) and he has no evidence to prove her wrong.
A shame he has no belief/faith in higher powers (he’s a die-hard atheist and quite arrogant about it). I really think that’s one of the keys to his own undoing. But I’m just Cassandra (of the Greek myths) in his world.
:). That was perfect.
In my case I stayed in a shitty relationship that I knew could *never* work because of my own security fears and this weird belief that I could not take care of myself fully. I then realized I got that impression from the relationship and no other place. I mean the idea that you might not be okay is…well it’s a normal anxiety for anyone, but there are people who capitalize on that to keep you dependent. Who make you believe, for example, that you will always be poor if you don’t stay with them; or that you don’t know what’s good for you — etc.
It took me a long time to start working this out but I eventually also realized that I could *never* enter into a true relationship until I believed I was okay on my own. I have no idea how long that’s going to take — thus my despair at ever being in a real committed relationship again.
Or let me put it another way – there is no point in being in any kind of relationship whose basis is fear — including the fear of “being alone”. That might not be everybody’s lesson right now, but it’s mine.
This is just what I needed to read, going through a break up right now, both still love each other very much but too dysfunctional and stubborn, I’m in a lot of pain about it, and he seems to be fine, really disappointing