Hello Elsa,
I am a Virgo sun with a Sagittarius moon and my mother-in-law is a Capricorn sun with a Capricorn moon. Generally, we get along very well. I feel lucky to have her in my life! While we have a good relationship, a source of tension is the subject of children, and I’m not sure how to talk to her about it.
My husband (Taurus sun and Scorpio moon) and I have been together for a little over twelve years. For ten of those twelve years, my mother-in-law has been not-so-subtlety asking for a grandbaby.
My husband and I do want to have children, but we met when we were quite young (I was 18 and he was 19) and our 20’s were a very rocky time for us financially and career-wise. So, having kids was put on the back burner.
Plus, I’m just not the type of woman who NEEDS to experience pregnancy to feel complete. I’m not in a rush to procreate. No biological clock is ticking for me.
My mother-in-law knows these things — my husband and I are honest with her about our reasons for not having children yet. However, that hasn’t stopped her from bringing up the subject of kids (or when I plan to get pregnant) at every family gathering.
I’m glad she looks forward to being a grandparent and I have no doubt my children will be blessed with a loving, attentive grandmother. I know she’s eager to hold a grandbaby, which I don’t blame her for. Also, my husband is her only child, so there’s no one else for her to turn to.
I just wish she wouldn’t bring the subject up .all.the.time. It feels too much like she’s trying to control a situation she really has no say in.
Also, when the inevitable conversation does begin, I find myself quite irked because at no point does she ask me what I want in life. The discussion is always centered around how she wants grandkids.
I want to maintain our good relationship, but also I really want to get through to my mother-in-law that constant nagging is not tolerable.
(Yes, I know, the irony of a Virgo complaining about nagging…LOL!)
I don’t know how many different ways I can say that I plan on having kids, but only when the time is right for my husband and me.
My husband knows how I feel about this and he says he agrees with me…he just has a difficult time standing up to his mom.
Do you have any advice on how I can politely get through to this impatient Capricorn lady that she needs to back-off?
A Slightly Overwhelmed Daughter-in-law from North Carolina
Hi, Overwhelmed.
You’ve covered this problem very well. I appreciate your compassion and understanding of your mother-in-law’s situation and your ability to see all sides of a story. This is not that common! It leaves the problem though.
To solve it, I would try to boil this down to what is essential. The best solution in a situation like this is most likely to be simple. These points jump out to me…
* she’s trying to control a situation she really has no say in.
* at no point does she ask me what I want in life.
*he just has a difficult time standing up to his mom.
This is a power struggle. It’s got a lot of flowers and niceness decorating it, but it’s a power struggle just the same.
I don’t think you are going to be able to stop your mother-in-law from speaking up. By your own words, you’ve tried everything and I believe you. The resolution then, must be internal.
If you can’t change your mother-in-law and you can’t change the relationship between your husband and his mother, then you must change how you react to it. As smart as you are, I don’t think this would be all that hard.
You’re right, she has no say in this. Keeping that in mind, and seeing as you’ve tried to communicate your feelings about this, I would stop having the conversation. Try less, not more.
“Oh, maybe one of these days,” you could say. Then move on.
Eventually it will dawn on her, this is out of her hands. She is a double Capricorn. She does deal in reality so I’d play to that strength.
Secondly, I would unjumble this issue. Take the three short statements above and deal with them independently.
* she’s trying to control a situation she really has no say in.
So let her talk…
* at no point does she ask me what I want in life.
Her limitation, which you understand. Do you have other people who ask what you want in life?
*he just has a difficult time standing up to his mom.
This is very common. But you really don’t want a man who disrespects his mother.
The bottom line is that you and your husband are in agreement. If you focus on this, the other things will fade and become just part of life when you have connection to others.
Anyone else want to weigh in?
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I agree with this advice, however maybe her husband should really have a word with his mother, it doesn’t necessarily have to be disrespectful, he can politely and respectfully take action without the need to be rude towards his own mother. I think it would be nice of him because clearly what his mother his doing, is making his wife uncomfortable and in this way there’s no balance.
I love reading these Q&A’s. Your analysis of the situations and parties involved is so on-point and helps me to see things in a different light (or I try to, anyway). You also show how we need to honor others’ energies and use ours because we really can’t control anyone but ourselves. It’s worth remembering (trying to, anyway!).
Is it just me noticing that the husband is not the focus of his mother’s Baby-Beggin’? Mother in law is old school…she thinks babies are a woman’s thing and not a couple’s thing. He should have a word with the mom, politely of course. But he needs to transmit to his mother that HE doesn’t want to have kids anytime soon either and that she is being not only socially ackward, but bothersome. And then wife can apply the ‘lunacy’ treatment, which is changing the subject/ignoring mother in law’s baby chatter.
This is an excellent comment, Lili.
Hell! I’d be as blunt as hell, and I’ve never wanted children.
All that earth!
Luckily, my mother-in-law is Pisces with an Aquarius stellium, and like me, a fellow Aquarius, doesn’t give a damn.
I agree with you 100% Elsa. I too have a Capricorn Mother-in-Law and the trying to control things that are not hers to control is spot on. This Virgo is a mutable dealing with a strong Cardinal. She needs to remind herself that just because someone is trying to pursuade she is not required to be pursuaded. The Mother-in-Law does not work on the Taurus husband because is is fixed, Sun and Moon fixed he is her son she already knows he will not be pursuaded. So sweet mutalable Virgo daughter-in-law …. if you are firm then stand firm, the wavering mutable is where she is gaining foothold.
Excellent points about mutable vs fixed here! Otherwise, totally agree with Elsa.
The mother-in-law might feel obligated to keep asking. I’m not exactly sure how to explain what I mean by that… Saturn / Capricorn and “this is what mothers-in-law do”.
Her mother-in-law may be asking because she is aware that after age 30 the chances of having a baby are greatly reduced, not to mention the higher risks to mother and baby. Please consider that she is not only thinking of herself but also of you. (Although for Capricorns, that is asking a lot.)
Actually, the science on that was murky at best and the consensus now is that if a woman is healthy she will most likely remain fertile etc into her early/mid 40’s.
Hi great subject…common but not often aired. I have mother-in-law ‘issues’, have done from day one. She has pluto conjunct leo ascendant and afflicted scorpio sun in fourth house. She is a control freak, but for me the saving grace is my relationship with my husband. He’s an aries but has a cappy moon and has perfected the art of this complex sitution (better than me, I have cappy sun and aries moon!). Now is the time to set up (internal) boundaries to subjects that she should have limited access and input. I agree with Elsa, Trust me, get this sorted before the kids come along or else the battle zone could get bigger and nastier. Just because she’s mot-in-law, this doesn’t mean she can have a say in all of your decisions or affairs. She needs to learn boundaries too and you’ll have to gently show her where they are. You’re tolerant and considerate so I think this could work out. Best wishes
Boy, no wonder there’s no biological clock ticking… as wonderful as the MIL is in other ways, this nagging would make any Virgo crazy (speaking as one). We’re meticulous enough with ourselves, we don’t need other people probing into our decisions and making us doubt them. I wonder if Overboard has tried sitting down and looking at MIL straight in the eyes and saying “Please. Stop. You’re hurting me. Please.” I think Virgo gets caught up in having to explain itself, when really, the bottom line is the plan is well thought out and babies aren’t a part of it right now. But that’s been explained and the logic of that hasn’t penetrated the Cappie. If you clearly state that you’re being hurt by her comments, and she continues, well… now it’s become more of a “I care more about my feelings than I do about yours” and you can address that issue later, if it materializes. But maybe she just doesn’t realize that her demanding grandparenthood is putting you in a place of pain and internal criticism and you want it to stop.
And about your husband not standing up to mom… I’m sure he told her that the timing was up to you… the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world, ya know.
Been there, done that. Neither of us wanted children but he was never badgered about it. He should stand with you in your mutual decision to make that choice if and when you both decide. Even the bible says, a man shall leave his mother: you are his wife.
This short clip contains very helpful advice for all kinds of situations with difficult people (and reflects much of what Elsa has said.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5RknemM8Hw
Being a Virgo, that would annoy the crap out of me. And I have a lot of Capricorns in my life. Yes, they are controlling and they just can’t help themselves. Haha.
I think she should just flat out tell the mother in law that they are not ready for children and it is THEIR business only. I had the same thing happen, only it was my father in law. I told him we were NOT having children because we did not want children. Had to keep repeating that until he finally quit. He has a grandchild now from his daughter, but he can’t get along with his daughter for long. Anyway, that lady will keep hearing this over and over from a Capricorn. Either she should tell the woman how she feels or stop visiting the mother in law.
I love this advice and totally agree with your beautifully crafted response, Elsa. Five star advice! and clearly phrased.
(PS, I am a Virgo Sun with Sag moon too, and also have not desperately craved having my own kids, though I really enjoy children as the aunt, and as sort of unofficial Aunt, I guess! (I did have a couple of miscarriages and a stillborn when I was like, ok, let’s try — and finally came to terms with okay, this is how it is, and I am going to be ok with that). In any case, I am always besieged by nieces, nephews, and the kids of friends, neighborhood kids. So, Slightly Overwhelmed, you are not alone! and maybe that’s our calling – there is an important supporting role for the wonderful Aunt to play, as I am learning.) I too have had people sort of try to tell me what to do and I think it is my Virgo logic (“you telling me what to do does not compute”) and Sag freedom-loving moon that combine to help me smile and change the subject.
Also effective: smile and smoothly switch to, “Speaking of our dreams for each other, I really think you should move to France. (or whatever would be the opposite of what she would want or do — !) You are so artistic and adventurous, or so sheltered, I think that experience would open you up to the beauty of the world and so let’s work on getting you there!” Bring it up EVERY TIME YOU SEE HER for the next month.
She’ll give up on bugging you as she struggles to elude your forceful cheery plans for HER life! (This works. See, our clever Virgo minds are useful!)
PS — I forgot this -also, yes, deciding when you are ready for kids is your business. it’s your life, your finances (it’s a different economic world today than when your MIL had hers and she may be forgetting that, though that’s odd for a Capricorn, I think? My Cappies are very tuned into economics and viable costs for modern living). And so yeah, YOU decide when and how many etc!! Not others. This is not time for your serving Virgo nature to serve up a baby for MIL, as you know.
gosh i have a capricorn mother in law with a fixed venus, fixed Jupiter, so she has a stubborn streak at times, but at least her mutable moon can see things in every direction (at least that’s what i get) but one would have to tell her the whys, ins and outs, (maybe that’s her virgo mars). i dont know i usually listen to her in whatever she wants, what’s best for us. Because she’s got great wisdom and has been around the block. i dont have any deep complaints. she’s a great mother in law to be honest. she raised a wonderful son (my hubby) plus i had a cappy grandma who was super stubborn, also bossy, but very loving. (i evaded alot of what she wanted me to do, just like the advice, to change the subject or evade)
anyway that’s great advice.
or most of the time, i actually did listen and not evade. Just comply. lol
I’m a mother-in-law with an only son who told me “Not to wait for grandchildren from him.” I have nephews, his first-cousins, one of them has had two children in three years. My response to my son was, “I am so very glad to have you!” If there was something more I wrote, or said I don’t remember it.
I have Capricorn (Moon) and Scorpio Sun. Often, I have wished to have a grandchild. But I make a big effort to stay out of the way when it comes to my son’s marriage. He’s an only child, and a son. We have a really vibrant relationship as mom and son. I think we both know some separation is essential, too.
He lives on the other side of the world. Most of his natal chart aspect his Moon (mother) that gives us a strong connection, wherever we are. The advice you gave was very clear, I don’t think I know anyone who could have given ME this advice. Vicariously, I benefit from your point of view. I appreciate it, Elsa.
How nice to hear from a mother-in-law in the comments – a most refreshing post from Mokihana.
Very interesting topic and comments.
Lots of good advice. None of which I disagree with.
Would like to add that Capricorns are often wonderful family people and can be the best grandparents. They can lighten up as they age and still be incredibly reliable (as in turning up early to babysit their grandkids). My Dad was a Capricorn and sometimes when I was younger, he was controlling etc, but he was always there in an emergency or crisis and over the years he responded well and respectfully to the boundaries that I set. Sometimes I had to fight to set those boundaries and when I stood up to him that made me stronger.
The man with a Scorpio moon often has a STRONG mother and/or a strong relationship with her.
Having children is such an important decision and raising them is a big challenge.
Wishing you all the best 🙂
I would check Pluto’s aspect to the mother-in-law’s Sun. Perhaps, it’s time for her to give up control, thus the power struggle. Also, I know a Capricorn woman in her early 60’s, and while she is very reliable etc., it takes her some time to “get the message.” Capricorns, can sometimes be very dense (sorry).
How about simply “Now, Ruth, (or mom or whatever you call her) we’ve had this conversation before. You’ll be the first to know when we have good news.” After that if she keeps bringing it up, just gaze right at her and say “Ruuuth”.??/?
I have to admit I feel your mother in law’s pain. I am finally about to become a grandma this fall and it has been a long wait. I personally think it’s some sort of biological urge like the one that many women feel about becoming a mother. That urge is just stronger in some people. Keep that in mind. Twelve years may have seemed like an eternity to this grandma-to-be. Good luck!
I am mother of two grown men. I never get into their business. If anyone knew how much restraint I have managed over last 15 years, I would surely get a prize. But know one knows, except now anyone reading this.
The truth is no one has the right to try and tell anyone else how to live their life. How we as a culture tolerate, accept so much interference in our lives is beyond me. This mother in law is selfish. And many people get away with this behavior because consciously or subconciously, they know that the target of their behavior is too nice to really confront it. Also, mothers in law in particular can get away with what the son will tolerate. Even if The wife puts her foot down, it is often ineffective, if the son stands by & does nothing. Its possible that this woman’s husband can put himself in his mothers shoes, but not his wife’s shoes, which imo is wrong & which is to me an indication that he needs a perception shift. And compassionately confronting his mother would be the right thing. He can confront her without disrespecting her. As she is the one being disrespectful. There is a misguided undercurrent in many cultures regarding respect your elders,(which is largely why “older” people get away with so much) ,while it is acceptable for people who are “older” to disrespect younger people. I so disagree with this idea. And am sure it was an “older” person who came up with it.
I wish everyone all the best : )