I’m Not Cheating, But I’m In Love With a Married Man

fish hook

Dear Elsa,

I’m in love with my best friend. We’ve been close for several years, and our friendship has always contained a strong element of attraction and flirtation. We talk daily, usually several times a day, have lunch or hang out at least once or twice a week, and he’s very much a solid figure in my life in terms of being someone to turn to when I need to talk, or need advice.

The problem is, of course, that he’s married and I’m not willing to disrespect that (neither of us has broached the subject, by the way). But I am having a problem being able to leave myself open to developing a relationship with someone else. With the exception of sex (since we don’t go there), this friendship comes very, very close to what I would want in a relationship.

I keep thinking, “If I could just clone him, and keep the single one!” But I recognize that this isn’t really an option. 😉 So I’m trying to figure out why I’m so stuck on him, and how to get unstuck so that I can actually go out there and find someone that can develop into a deeper relationship. One day I would actually like to marry and have kids, and right now that’s feeling like a distant dream.

Can you help me figure this out?

Double Capricorn

Dear Cap,

Yes I can. First I don’t think this Virgo guy is all that innocent. He (and his Scorpio Mars) have you engaged and if you think about it, you are completely disabled.

And you are responsible for this, of course. It is you who has decided to relinquish control of your life here. But I just want you to realize that a married man who engages you to this level without delivering the rest of the package is not that good a friend. I just don’t think he’s acting in your best interest, see. Do you?

And I have been in your situation and I’ll tell you exactly how to get out. You have to understand someone has stuck a fishhook in your mouth, down your throat and hooked you there. And there you are. And there you will stay until and unless you reach down your throat and dig that hook out. Because he’s not going to do it, is he? So this is my advice:

Open wide. Dig that thing out and once you have the hook in hand, throw that thing as far as you can. Yes. This means the guy goes. And I’m sorry but if you don’t take your life back, he’s going to waste it.

Good luck.

6 thoughts on “I’m Not Cheating, But I’m In Love With a Married Man”

  1. Bravo, Elsa! If this married guy is such a good friend to her then what in the hell is he doing married to another woman ?! I agree with you, Elsa. He’s a hooker.

  2. I know he’s a hooker! And I feel terribly for you! Run, run run run run! This kind of letter breaks my goddamn heart!

  3. Ask yourself if he’s so intimate with you (emotionally, mentally) then what intimacy is left over for his wife? Would you want some man you’re married to being emotionally and mentally intimate on that level with another woman? I’d say not. I’d say that unless you’re close to them as a couple you’re disrespecting their relationship.

    I’d say that it’s better to clean up now while you can and get away than to continue down that path. Only pain lies that way.

    Wishing you happiness with a single guy that loves you and only you!!


  4. Hi, Hooked as well,
    I would start by getting a copy of your chart, a couple of good Astrology books, some paper and a box of tissue. I could tell you, a friend and the Pope himself could tell you how to “dig that thing out” but until you know WHY you let that hook get there in the first place all of that advice will just fall on “deaf ears”.
    The most flattering (and healthy) thing that you could do for yourself, or anyone for that matter, is to get to know yourself…..the good, the bad and the ugly. Know who you are and why you are. It’s dirty work but it’s very, very necessary.
    Really, I’d start with a few basic tools for this excavation. A Birth Map, Astrology books for intepretation, paper and don’t forget that box of tissue.
    If this is not something you are willing or able to do then you could have someone do it for you…..but, speaking from experience, you’d never reap the benefits of doing the work yourself.
    I wish you lot’s of luck and and less “bait” in your life.

  5. If you’re having trouble becoming disengaged go to a support group. (I don’t know if you’re a love addict or not but you can still use them.) You can go to Codependents Anonymous, or instance. This is a good group for people with love addictions and, yes, you can use love as an addictive mechanism. I have. The great thing about these support groups is that:

    1. Usually there’s a meeting every day somewhere in town.
    2. The donation is only $2.
    3. There’s usually a phonelist that you can use to reach out to other members when you’re having a difficult time, say, when you want to pick up the phone and call him, etc.
    4. You get to see that you’re not the only one with this problem and that gives you a little more compassion for yourself.

    Now, this doesn’t mean that you’re a love addict but you can still use the support groups until you can break free from this motherfucker. The members won’t be angry if you use the groups for 3 months or a year or 10 years. It’s entirely up to you and what you need, which is a good place to start when you want to disengage from a destructive relationship. You know, get in touch with your real wants and needs.

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