I am going to see my daughter for her birthday today and I found myself telling a pal yesterday that it was a new low. I immediately had to counter that by saying it made no sense to say this or to feel this way as things have been so much worse but a day as passed and I still have the same impression. It turns out that “low” is a very strange concept.
I have mulled this over the last 24 hours and just could shake the knowing that I am in a very low place. I could not also not explain the emotion in comparison to the places I have been in the last 3 years and I was going to write about this.
I was going to write about how it can be so dark that you have no idea where the hell you are at and while that may be true, I got another piece as I started to type, and this is it:
When you are in the midst of intense crisis, these things don’t necessarily register. It’s sort of like running on adrenaline I guess. It’s only when you stop that you realize your legs hurt and two days after that you may become aware of even deeper injury.
So this is what it happening today. I’ve got my jaw on the floor and it’s just so hard to explain which is common with Pluto Moon because the emotion is just so deeply personal. It goes like this:
“I feel worse than I ever have.”
“But, Elsa, you’ve been through so much. You have this and this and this happy thing in your life…”
::blank stare::
And you wonder why people like me don’t talk. It’s because it’s impossible, it’s just too tricky in there.
My heart goes out to you. I can feel the grief and pain in your words. Much love to you from across the airwaves.
that is exactly the way I have felt for the last 4 years!!!! Thank you for putting it into words so well.
I think in those cases your emotions just shut down so you can get through it. It’s self-preservation. And then after you look back and realize what it was and the pain bubbles up.
But the reason it feels low is because it is low, it’s the nature of the thing you are experiencing. What does it matter if you’ve been happy or competent or even sad in other circumstances? Doesn’t change the nature of the thing, because it isn’t a relative experience, it’s an absolute one. While I understand the wisdom of counting your blessings and making comparisons to “put things in perspective”, I think some things need to be felt in their utter, searing, painfulness. To make less of it is wrong, you can feel it in your core (which btw, is the same root as “cuore”, or heart). I don’t know that there is any pain worse than how a mother suffers for her child. We fool ourselves thinking we can suffer in their place, and it is almost unbearable when we discover that we are powerless to do so.
I don’t know what else to say, but I send you lots of love, Elsa.
All the very best to your daughter, Elsa!
This is all so heart-breaking.
Thanks everybody, it went okay. I am okay…
Hi Elsa-I am very sorry that you are having such a difficult time!I wish that I could say something to help you feel better!
I’m grateful to hear you’re okay.
When we were first told that our daughter was autistic, the last thing I wanted to hear was “count your blessings,” and yet, at every stage of her therapy we heard that kind of talk. I just wanted to sit with my pain and I wanted someone to sit alongside me with my pain, someone who had the wisdom to not say anything and who had the strength not to squirm. Dorothy Day, the woman who founded Catholic Charities, called it a “ministry of presence”. I like the sound of that.
I’m glad for the man beside you, too. And I wish for you healing, for your sake and for your daughter’s. Just for today.
Peace.
I’m sorry. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be.
Hi Elsa,
thank you for sharing with us I know that you have been hesitant to put it out there.
You have a lot of support on this blog.
I hope that somehow this low can benifit you in some way. Who knows?
I always just think that really low lows just suck but maybe its a vehicle to or from or for something else.
Glad that you are feeling ok.
s, I love the idea of the ministry of prescence. Elsa, I’m glad it went better than expected…lots of love to you and yours.
Ugh. Imagining. But! Happy Birthday, Mosta!
Here is what I came to understand, and I know you have a set of spiritual beliefs as well, or I would not say this.
God gave me everything I have; everything, so whatever God is going to choose to take back, (and when) I cannot stop that process either.
So if I am one hundred percent surrendered to the will of God, this helps in transmuting the suffering toward that flame of soul connection with God.
Somehow that has lessened my suffering throughout a lot of heavy stuff, and it remains to be seen how well it will hold up when even heavier stuff hits, as it will, invariably, and probably sooner rather than later, with my chart at 28 degrees mut on angles and nodes.
Pluto’s been on my moon in late sag for awhile now and I’ve seen my mom (Pluto is almost on her Saturn now, as well as my dad’s) go through the worst shit of our lives, the loss of my brother, her son, for the last 9 months and I can only imagine your and her pain. I really hope for the best but also wish there was something I could do (Saturn return hitting exact in Sep as well). I’m a lost soul myself, but can’t seem to help myself, only others, and I hope I do at least the minimum for them.
All my heart goes out to you Elsa & ur family. Thankyou so much for sharing this. I always love these posts the best because they are purely honest in pain.
I dont think pain like this ever goes away its much like a raw wound or scar that clears up slowly but it is always there and reopens up when it gets knocked or bruised again.
Im not going to begin to imagine what you are going through but I do get the emotion and why you just stop talking because people truly just dont get it.
Hope you & Mosta enjoy her birthday the best you can depsite the circumstances. Love Skye
I’m glad you are doing ok Elsa. Your words were very touching. Wish I could do something to help. Take care of yourself – we love you.
Wish Mosta a happy belated birthday for me.
It’s good to hear you’re alright, E, but I’m still sending my heartstrings.
Listen.
I completely get this.
I can’t even express how much I feel for you and Mosta…wish her a happy bday for me & as always, your family is in my heart, thoughts & prayers…
Congrats for seeing your daughter Elsa, that was not an easy thing to do in my book.
Do you really think it is the Pluto square Moon Elsa, is that activated for you at the moment? If the issues with your daughter came up with the pluto square moon I can imagine the stress also re appearing when you ‘revisit’ that pain. What degree is your moon?
Kingsley
Kingsley – I am not sure what you are talking because it is not hard to see my daughter.
As for the transits, I have T Saturn conjunct Pluto as well as Pluto to the Moon and regarding details of my chart, I do not publish them as I have enough trouble but don’t mind your asking.
I did get the impression that you were having a difficult time with your daughter Elsa. That things have not been so rosy. That is why I left my comment. Did I get that wrong?
best
k
Not really, Kingsley. The pain is in the fact she is ill, her prognosis is poor and very hard to comprehend and accept. But seeing her is okay. I enjoy her humor and chattiness and freakish intelligence and I like seeing her physically growing up. She is maturing, regardless, see and I just love her is the thing.
Loonsounds – at the moment she is not suffering and either is my son. At this point I am the only one still suffering but I am working it out and no doubt will eventually.
So the question begs; did you feel a new low as per your blog states? Maybe that is something different and I am not getting it or reading it incorrectly?
k
Loonsounds – yeah, my son is happier than he has ever been in his life – BY FAR. He survived that square, see!
And my daughter is also pretty damned happy. She has her own perspective is the thing. She does not see what I see, she sees what she sees and as I have said many times my whole family has Jupiter Moon so we are all sort of okay regardless.
FYI, my daughter is especially blessed with a 9th house Moon trine Jupiter in Sadge with no hard aspects. What else do you want?
She really doesn’t see things the way I do, if she did this would be a very different story.
It is hard for me to see someone, anyone I LOVE suffering and/or in pain, and/or severely ill. I am not sure others do, but I don’t know if any of those things apply, but if they do, I for one sure would find it difficult. I have no children of my own, so I cannot even imagine how difficult THAT would be. I will never have them so I am spared both the joys and the sorrows of that in this lifetime.
OK, thanks for the elaboration Elsa. I am so glad to know she is not suffering. I just had no idea. I alredy gathered that your son is doing pretty great, ATM. Cupcakes, the soldier, Tauri cookies, someone to side with, TWO parents to play with…
Okay I’m officially slow, I even read this post, and I guess I’m extra ulta assuming because. I still thought maybe she’s going to visit Mosta everyday until her birthday.
i received some really bad news a couple weeks ago, and it didn’t really start to hit me until the last few days. shock i think is a sort of adaptive tool to allow us to take care of what needs doing (i was busy working like mad with that earth trine going on) and then when things paused a little it kind of caught up to me… like the adrenaline thing you described.