79 thoughts on “How To Quit Obsessing Over Someone Not Interested In You”

  1. I love this. I wish I learned many many years ago not to take it personally when someone wasn’t into me. Of course, Venus in Aries never understands why a gal can’t have every man she decides to want, lol.

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    You give an excellent example in this video of “he has venus in aquarius and so is looking for an aquarian”

    Can I assume? (or not, as that is why I am asking) that you mean someone with some strong aquarian influences in their chart? Say for example – their rising, or their saturn, moon and mars in aquarius would be as much as having their sun in aquarius? For the guy you give as an example in this?

    (sorry, it’s a virgo type day for me and I need a bit more clarity) πŸ™‚

  3. mudlike – No I would not make a generalization like that at all. In THIS case, this guy was totally enamored with Aquarian energy – this was totally plain to see and since I don’t have any, well…

  4. You are SOOO right about this, Elsa!! I have seen this in action many times. For instance, men with Venus in Taurus usually go for women with lots of curves, guys with Venus in Leo like red-heads/glamour queens, etc. Now my Aries has Venus in Pisces, so he’s happily entranced with his image of who he thinks I am . . . ::snort:: (plus I do have a Water sign rising & my Moon/Neptune conjuncts his 7th house Saturn/Neptune). πŸ™‚

  5. This is really good advice. I can see it and feel it with all my cells.
    The first time I came across that “he’s not that into you” book, I thought it was crap. I thought: well, how does this help? It doesn’t make me feel any better.
    But your perspective is much better.

    Unfortunately when I’m hypnotized by someone I don’t think. But this will change! Honest! I will keep this in mind at all times πŸ™‚

  6. Thanks for this great advice, Elsa. So, do you find that Venus indicates a man’s type, and Mars what a woman’s type is?

    Neith, you’re so right on about a Venus in Leo guy I know who’s obsessed with redheads. How the heck….?? Wouldn’t you figure they’d want someone with GOLD hair?

    As a Venus in Leo myself, I’ve gone both ways… gold and red hair πŸ˜‰

  7. Valkyrie – again, no I don’t think it is anywhere near as simple as lining up Venus signs. This is one specific case.

  8. I love this idea, it’s quite liberating and optimistic and I try to keep it in my mind. However, I see time and time again that it is just not that easy! It’s crushing to be rejected by someone you want and I think most people translate a rejection into thinking something is wrong with them in some way. This, in turn, speaks to a deep fear of not being lovable, which I think we all have at times. Nobody wants to feel unworthy and unlovable, so they cling to the unhealthy and unfulfilling. It’s sad. I wish more women could see this.

  9. I’ve done my share of grinding on myself because the object of my affection hasn’t returned my feelings. That’s been true in relationships, career, and many other areas. Despite all the angst I put myself through in the process, after I’m able to get a little distance, without exception I’ve always been able to look back and see how incredibly fortunate I’ve been that things played out the way they did.

    I don’t know exactly where it comes from in astrological terms or in my chart, but the lesson I’ve gotten from it is that as long as I operate under the illusion that I have to try to be something that I’m not in order to deserve what I want (and need), things can’t possibly go well. Rather, the world needs the unique things each of us can offer. Can’t say its sunk in quite to the level that I’d like, but that’s ok too.

  10. I like that Marc, that’s what I’m trying to let sink in too… If I feel like I have to contort myself to win her, then, how is this going to work long-term anyway? And why do that to myself? Too exhausting.

  11. Oh, it took me years when I was younger to figure this one out. Why? Because with Aries rising, A Libra Moon, and a Leo Sun, it was impossible for me to wait for someone who was into me. I was always on the hunt! πŸ˜‰ Well, after a while, the Queen got tired of the hunt, and toned it down a lot.

    Now, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with taking the lead. This is where a lot of those silly women’s self-help books trip up. But–and here’s the rub–being the hunter only works when the guy wants to pursue something with you. If not, put all that energy to better use.

  12. Oh, and here’s how that Aries/Libra/Leo energy expressed itself, “Dammit! There’s so much about me that’s wonderful! I want you to love and appreciate ME!!! After all, I chose you!


  13. Such good advice. I consider myself extremely lucky that I know this one intrinsically and, in fact, don’t have a choice.. I have so much Pluto and 8th house that anyone who is not intensely into something is not even a flicker on my radar. I find them invisible.
    This leaves me, unlike people with broader options, with occasional droughts. But it also means that the relationships I do have are real, long, and to the core. But, really, I would have wandered away if they hadn’t been, even just to be on my own.
    And then there was the one exception, but it was an exception because deceit was involved. I think that was my biggest lesson, even if I am still figuring out what that lesson was..

  14. they are poignant (referring to the videos on relationships/7th house, this one in particular).

    it’s the hopefullness of them. And your expression. i mean, i’ve been reading here for… i don’t know, two months or three? you are obviously a no-bullshit person. so there you are are, just putting out the information and it’s well, touching. not in a hallmark card syrup way but in a real life way. And that is poignant.

    for those who are partner-less and long to partner up, they are always looking for clues

  15. it’s weird. i left a comment, answering your question and it didn’t show up…

    but basically i said that these videos are incredibly poignant, esp because you mean what you say

  16. A – it’s not you. The spam filter has gone awry. I found the other comment in the trash and recovered it.

  17. This video is timely. I am confounded. So what are the actual parameters of hitting the astrological love lottery? Should they match your Venus, Moon, Mars, Rising or what? Conjunctions, squares? I have lots of earth, fire and water and seem to go for what I lack…air. Which is not good because the air types are not substantial enough. I have never been able to get a satisfactory answer on this. Venus in Leo by the way. Ha Ha.

  18. OH HECK YES! πŸ™‚ Thanks for this video Elsa!

    I used to be one of those young girls that would pine over a guy who would never reciprocate attraction. Back then, I thought something was “wrong” with me and then I spend hours and hours figuring out what’s wrong! I could’ve spent some of that time focusing on something for myself πŸ˜‰

    Ah well… Live and learn, right?

  19. Right on – attraction works a lot better when it is reflected back and feeds on itself. If I’m attracted to someone who’s not attracted to me I usually notice my own attraction drops flat after a while…there’s just no fuel to sustain it and it stops being interesting to me. Same thing vice versa as well. But when it is returned my own attraction amps up big time and the whole thing intensifies. It’s like playing tennis with someone who can return the ball…much more fun, round after round.

    But I guess the line is blurrier when there is strong attraction between two people, the game is in full play and then one player steps off the court. Would some call this “not so into you”? They just stop being attracted to you? I’ve never experienced this for myself, but I wonder if anyone else has?

    Also, there is no book that defines the rules of love. Men and women can play any number of roles depending on who they are as individuals and the situations they are in. It really depends on who you are and the particular chemistry with the other person.

  20. Ana– “They just stop being attracted to you? I’ve never experienced this for myself, but I wonder if anyone else has?”

    oh god, yes. and I have so much neptune that it takes me a long time to even notice. I actually can take it a little further: I once asked a guy what the hell happened and he told me, “it’s not that I’m not attracted to you, I just don’t like you as a person.” I’m really glad I found that funny. he also went on to say, “when I met you I thought you were mysterious, but then I got to know you and it just wasn’t so.” it’s truly amazing that I didn’t piss myself laughing.

  21. isabelle – good point. I just finished writing advice for someone like you, to post next week and you’re right!

  22. just drop them?
    easier said then done.

    … for a triple taurus in the 8th
    and his aquarian venus fell on my saturn :'(

  23. This is the best advice. I was just trying to explain this very idea to a disraught stranger in a hotel the other night. I was lucky that when I was a teenager I fell for a guy who only liked asian girls. After beating my head against the wall for months, it suddenly occurred to me that no matter how hard I tried, I could never be asian. Talk about an obvious example to learn from.

  24. Basically, I completely agree with you.

    I’m not sure I agree with the other part of the theory (someone for everyone), but I am definitely with you on the not pining thing.

    I’m not sure how you could go about it any other way and stay sane.

    [‘Wow, what a depressing subject.’]

  25. Elsa I’m so looking forward reading that advice entry! That venus in aquarius guy was into me for about 6 month, I was “the one” he cooed. goes to prove the point that great compatibility otherwise may not make up for specific venus needs. (Especially since I behaved as described in my response to the “When you fall in love, do you experience fear of loss? Mild or acute and how do you handle it?” post.)uh.

  26. You know, this is really good advice and it works for friendships, too. If someone is just not that into you anymore, best to just let it go.

  27. I remember that piece about the ‘chestnut hair’. It was the biggest wakeup call to me.

    It was news to me that i didn’t have to make myself chestnut for him because someone would be looking for me with my dark hair.

    My was married to someone who was always upset that i talked to people- (He had Scorpio in like 5 planets- I have Gemini in 5 inc Sun, Mercury, Venus)

    He just kept telling me – you are TOO FRIENDLY. I embarassed him but I couldn’t help myself. He wanted me to be an observer and collector of info but Gemini is not like that. Like Elsas Purple skirt and Gold Hat guy.

    Sometimes when i tried to talk to him he would put his hand up next to his face as if it were some force field that would deflect my chattiness.

    I’m with someone now with 5 planets in Libra now and he stops people in the elevator to talk about anything I LOVE IT.

  28. That was a very interesting video. I think a person can never be too young to learn the truth of what you are saying.

    Anyway, yes, I remember wasting a year of my life as a late teenager wishing like mad that I had blue eyes, because the guy I was obsessed with at that moment (a Jewish guy, I like them) was just drawn to blue eyed women. Alas, my eyes are as dark as black ink and it took me a while to learn a) to like them because they are unique in a WASP, and b) to waste not a nanosecond on guys who don’t.

    Speaking of being a WASP, another time I very much liked a guy, a WASP himself, who was ONLY attracted to Asian women. Nothing I could say or do was ever going to change that, it was what it was but I did not like it. Anyway, I couldn’t talk him out of his preferences (Venus in Aries is intrigued by being turned down) but we ended up becoming pretty good friends.

  29. I wish I’d known that three years ago when the guy I was enormously attracted to turned out to be completely not into me. And it’s funny, but he said something opposite to what satori wrote here – that he liked me as a person, but he wasn’t attracted to me πŸ™‚ I kept telling myself it was because I was too shy/uninteresting/socially inept etc, etc. I have Venus in Gemini in the 12th and I wish I were sociable and talkative, but can be so only with close friends and on the Internet πŸ™‚

    He has strong Pisces in his chart, some Gemini plus Venus in Sagittarius conjunct Neptune. I’m often interested in Sagittarius/Gemini types. But he just went for Pisces/Sagittarius women who also had what he was personally lacking in his chart – Virgo. And I have none of these (Saturn and Neptune don’t count). And I hope there is a Mr/Ms Right for everyone, even though for some people it takes longer than average to find them….

  30. But, Elsa, what if you’re fat? Or what if you’re unkempt? Primping is so emphasized in our culture, playing the courting game, wearing clothing that flatters and changes you.. “Staying just as you are because someone’s looking for you..” I don’t know.

  31. Elsa says on 3/24/08 at 11:17 am:

    isabelle – good point. I just finished writing advice for someone like you, to post next week and you’re right!

    I can’t find where that post is… where is it?! thanks.

  32. This is good advice. My boyfriend and I have venus in virgo..But my blasted sag moon today I am feeling like leaving him again.
    I don’t think it is so much wanting to leave him but more like just wanting to leave and do something on my own. I am not going to leave him
    I go through this all the time..

    Do moon signs sometimes have more power than venus in virgo would because of placement ?

    My virgo sun vs my sag moon..?

  33. Elsa…you are something special! I feel like your a friend without you even knowing it. You are appreciated. By the way, I have venus in aquaries, and I am repelled by aquarian men.

  34. Too true. I went out with someone last year who I could clearly see DID NOT LIKE ME!

    I have venus in virgo and have just started seeing a virgo moon so fingers crossed. He has venus in aries and although I have not aries I do have sun conjunct mars – pretty good substitute I hope…

  35. I can never understand why someone would stay attracted to another, who is not into them. Once I find out that the other person doesn’t like me the way I like them, then in seconds I’m completely over this person and moving right along to someone who does. Venus in Sag, I love my Venus in Sag.:-)
    Great advice Elsa.Thank you.

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