I carry a heavy secret these days. I continue to confide in Mr. and Mrs. Frick & Frack, along with a few others, because they “don’t run their mouth”, as Mrs. Frick likes to say. There are a lot of other people pressing me for information. I’ve clammed up tight.
I like a lot of the people who are trying to get me to talk. I like some of them a lot. But I’m still not going to confide in them because they just can’t help themselves – they gossip. It’s a gossip network. It’s an entire culture. “Well, I heard this…”
“X told me, Y…”
“I’m not supposed to say anything but…”
There is no way I would introduce personal information into someone involved in a circle like this, unless I deliberately wanted to use the leaky mouth to disseminate information.
It’s a true struggle. I don’t want to lose connection to people I have built relationships with but I just can’t share anything with them. I’m wondering if I might TELL them why this is. I have never done anything like this in my life. I wonder what would happen.
“I’d love to talk to you. I would like to hear your opinion. But I can’t talk to you(s), because you can’t keep a confidence… er, you gossip all the time.”
It seems if I say something like that, I will wind up losing the friend(s) anyway. The truth hurts!
This is all part of my moving back towards the fringe of life. I’d rather not leave a trail of hurt and confused bodies behind but I just don’t know how to avoid it. I CAN’T AFFORD to have people blabbing, see? It would be like some bad game of telephone running through a community and I would have to deal with it.
Consequently, I can’t explain beyond saying I have some personal issues to deal with. Then people think I can resolve them in a week or two, when I cannot. It’s just going to be left hanging there…for months, most likely. Maybe a year?
I wonder, if you’re a blabber, how you feel, reading this. I am not judging you. I don’t want anyone to feel bad. It’s none of my business how others run their lives. But do you realize people can’t talk to you? They avoid you speaking to you? They use you, when they want information spread, indirectly?
I suspect you do know all this but I’m curious enough to ask anyway.
I’m thinking of several (real life) people when I say, they are exceptional friends in many ways. But I just don’t think they have the capacity to keep their mouth shut for more than 24-48 hours, even if asked, directly. Why is this?
I think being trusted with a confidence makes some people anxious and sharing it with another person alleviates the pressure. There are very few people I genuininely trust to keep a secret even if I like them very much.
Hallo dear Scottish!
Hi Dorien!!
I know ScottishFoldSoul, but that’s not an excuse, though. If it is an excuse, it’s one lame one.
I agree, it’s no excuse.
“I have a personal problem and if I tell you, it will no longer be personal, because you’ll spread it around and this will cause me and my family tremendous pain and grief when we can least afford an extra burden…”
Then they say they won’t tell anyone…but I bet you anything it’d be the Scorpion and the Frog story.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Scorpion_and_the_Frog
Because I know the person(s) are of this character!
It’s amazing how fetching the snare can be!! 🙂
In my experience, when I have been able to hold a secret is when I seem to have a feeling problem. Too caught in my head, social and not able to feel the gravity so to speak. In this age of communication it’s easy to fall prey too. This is a good reminder to take time to settle.
People gossip because it’s a way for them to feel connected with other people. If they have some secret information, and they divulge the secret to someone, they send the message that the person is important to them…the person recieving the info feels important or trusted to the blabber or something like that..people connect through secrets.
But anyway… If it were me, id tell them I don’t tell them anything because they run their mouth too much, but I have Merc, jup, uranus- I tell the truth, sometimes to my detriment.
I worry about doing this. I think it might hurt the specific people I am talking about.
Some of them are in their 60’s and even their 70’s. I don’t want to cause pain or be disrespectful. I can almost see the hurt look on their face(s). I feel repulsive enough as it is, so keeping my mouth shut is to be self-protective as well.
I understand. Yeah, I probably would not say that to an older person either! Good luck with everything…?
A friend confided in me something very personal, and told me not to tell anyone. So I didn’t. She told someone else, with a common friend, and the news got back to her, via that other person. She confronted me about it, thinking I’d blabbed. I told her I hadn’t told anyone, not even my husband. She said then it must have been the second friend, and “of course” I was allowed to tell my husband! But I hadn’t, because she’d said not to. I’m now known as The Vault. Suits my Scorpio moon
Whatever is going on I pray that it will be resolved in the most positive way.
Thank you. I appreciate it.
Elsa, I told you once that I know about a very heavy family secret. My father told me about it. For almost 50 years I had “a zipper” on my mouth. And live with people who it concerns and they don’t know about it. By this event I learned to keep a secret, no matter what!. A few years ago some people in my family past away. And two years ago a cousin asked me what is going on, because he heard rumours. At first I did not want to tell him something, all those years keeping this secrets! But it was about him. Parts of the story. I finally told him, very carefully and aims not to do harm. And with all the love in me I that I have. He was shocked and grateful at the same time. As I write this I feel the misery again and the compassion with the near family who had no idea or clue about this. It is good that it is in the open because IN OUR CASE it looked like a stinking swamp. Every situation is different. I whish a solution for you Elsa. A good one!
Thank you!
My mom, a Gemini. I’m sorry to say she exhibits the bad trait of being unable to keep her mouth shut.. ever. Its something that really irks me about her because as a Virgo with some significant Pluto privacy is hugely important and I don’t like people knowing my business. Simple as that. I don’t need to have a reason why: I just don’t. She hates that I am so secretive and don’t tell her enough about what goes in my life… but she keeps forgetting that she can’t be trusted with anything and has proven this to me time and again. I know it’s not out of malice but I dislike it all the same. I think for her it helps her process the information to discuss it with someone else and get their perspective. Especially if it’s something shocking to her she needs to share it to be comforted and reassured or understand it better…or something. I think a lot of the air signs do this but especially gemini and libra they like having different perspectives on something.
I think transparency is always a good thing. I also think that being wise enough to hold one’s tongue is a skill that must be learned. One learns it with time, and through practicing compassion and detachment.
Without knowing anything of the specifics of said predicament, I personally believe in erring on the side of saying less rather than more. One can always enter into dialogue with those who may need to probe into your motivations by using open-ended questions. In this way, you get people to talk about their issues rather than your own!
Hope this makes sense…
It does make sense and this is what I plan to do. Or rather, I just want to allow nature to do it’s thing. It’s bad enough. I don’t want it to be worse.
I’m sorry to hear you have troubles, Elsa. I hope they are soon resolved in your favor.
Charitably, I think, for many people who are “blabbers” being made aware of a dear one’s burden without being able to ease it leads people to act out on the “sorrow shared is sorrow halved” concept.
Uncharitably, I think for many blabbers, it is a subconscious method of draping oneself in the drama and importance of the suffering party.
As always, if there is any tangible assistance I could offer, please drop me a line. I would love to be of help.
xo CPG
Thank you!
I recently started a friendship with someone like this. Im starting to pull away because I have nothing to share that I want broadcasted. I just have nothing to say! Ive found that the friendships where I have to censor myself, don’t last very long. It takes too much energy to figure out what I can share and not share. Those friendships seem to die on the vine.
As far as keeping secrets. I have a large vault of my own and others.
Maybe it’s an Italian thing. (I’m Italiana).
I think gossiping is a vice, and as I don’t lend money to a vicious gambler, I don’t give out information to vicious blabbers, even if they are my friends. I have to think for them because they don’t act in their sound judgement, and protect my money or the people involved in the information.
Good point!
At age 43 I had my third and last child. I made friends at church with a much younger than me woman, who had a child the same age. When the children were about two and our other kids in school, we went to the park together and I said something, that at the time seemed pretty innocuous, about another friend. This young woman (bravely I might add) told me her own personal, biggest flaw was gossip and as her friend would I help her by not sharing information about others. She stopped me in my tracks, shamed me and inspired me all in the same sentence. I can’t say I never gossip, but many times I catch myself, stop because I remember her and her gentle admonishment.
Maybe its see something, say something. It can be a kindness, many of us want to be better.
I actually have said something, more than once, to the same people. In desperation, even
“Can we please not gossip? I don’t want to gossip, please can you stop?”
This is met with an excuse…”I was just telling you because…”
“I just thought you’d like to know…”
Not really! I know when you do it *them*, you will do it to me. DUH.
I’m a Virgo rising, Sag sun, Pisces moon. I can be discreet (Virgo), I do care (Pisces) but I slip (Sag). I guess I’m one of the ones willing to listen and willing to try to learn (still a Sag sun).
I would not tell them that. I believe it would cause hurt and sever the relationships. No one wants their flaws pointed out in that glaring a way. I learned a long time ago that to keep something secret means not telling the people who gossip. I used to tell them (gossipers) and hope they wouldn’t spread the news. I realized later how self destructive that was, as the gossipers had something on me that I had to worry about as well as the original problem. At this point in my life I can’t imagine why I ever did that..So, my advice is don’t tell them, and don’t tell them why. At a later date you can tell them it was just too heavy to talk about. Best of luck.
Thanks for the clarity. I think this is good advice. 🙂
I don’t spread gossip and don’t seek out others personal information, because I’m not worried about what *I* will do with the information, I worry that the other person will spread it to someone else who spreads it and doesn’t remember, then thinks that I am responsible. I don’t trust the person who is telling it to manage that information. So once I am involved even just as a listener, my risk goes up. I do not want that and I do not like that.
This is why I don’t risk spreading gossip or broadcasting people’s personal business.
Not a blabbermouth, for ethical and practical reasons.
I wouldn’t tell someone unless I thought it was going to come blasting out on its own anyway and I wanted to get in front of the parade. Containment and control. If people are prone to gossip, even innocently, can you imagine what they’d do with, “I’ve got a secret but I can’t tell you”? Talk about selling the sizzle. They’d bug you for details after that and absent facts, they’d be imagining their own. Hide it and hide it deep. Scorpio advice, ha ha.
That’s typical for me to do as well. But in this case, I can’t. I have had to withdraw from a number of significant things that everyone knows are important to me. Obviously, something has happened, see?
It like showing up with both legs amputated – hard to conceal! 🙂
So it’s kinda obliquely out there and people are naturally curious. Is there great harm in letting it all hang out? I mean, other than having your whole private life become talk of the town? Ok, never mind. Plus there are any number of other reasons to boot. Hmm. Is it an either/or decision or is there a way to thread it through the process? Sounds exhausting enough as is. I can imagine myself saying, “I wish I could tell you but I have to go through this alone.” Then all the guessing and whispering starts. What a conundrum. Maybe asking them to keep you in their prayers would involve them enough until things are finished. You know, kind of give them a burden so they have something to play with instead of staring at you. Just trying to help. I can’t know how things are for you. A lot of people wish you well.
Yes, it would hurt me badly, but it would destroy someone else, so therefore this is non-negotiable.
Down the road, this will naturally be revealed, which I have told people. I have been honest with them and plead for time. The problem is, they think “time” is two weeks. I’m thinking more like six or eight months…a year. It’s really not up to me.
Let’s say you own a business. You know you are going out of business, but you don’t say anything (to outsiders) because if you do, you will speed up the demise of the business. The families who work in your business need the income for as long as they can get it so clearly you’ve got to shut up…unless you want to be responsible what you cost people when you could have spared them.
But you still have to act on what you know. And the actions you must take may be drastic.
So basically, it appears I am an erratic, high-strung person. In reality, the exact opposite is true. But whatever. Mistaken identity is a constant in my life. I know what I have to do.
I’m not sure what the culture is where you live, Elsa, but where I’m from (Oxford, UK) we employ many subtle means of not responding to personal questions (people gossip here just as much as where you are), such as:
Cultivate a vague far-away look in your eye when someone asks a direct question.
Smile mysteriously and say “I’m a bit tired do I don’t really feel like going into this right now.”
Oh is that the time? Really sorry I’ve got to get back and (cook dinner/pick up x, etc).
Wow, you’re really interested in my life, aren’t you (followed by condescending laugh).
I don’t know I haven’t really been able to articulate how I feel yet.
I realise you’re really interested in my situation but I’m tired and not in the mood to discuss this. Cue Tired Smile.
…And a million other British ways of avoiding the personal question. We are masters of the white lie! The thing is, in Britain people take the hint (and are too embarrassed to pursue further, luckily).
Probably not like that where you are, eh?
These are good ideas. Thanks, Kate. I’m in the American South. People tend to actually care about you and want to help. But they do gossip!
I did use some of this, earlier on. For example, someone came up to me (in front of someone else) and gave me a wad of money. It was just tucked into my hand.
“What’s that for,” the gal I was talking to, asked. It was completely unexpected. I was completely unprepared.
“Oh, that’s something. Um…I don’t feel I can go into it at this time. Sorry.”
She accepted that…it’s weeks later now. But boy, the ways that could be misconstrued.
And no, I can’t explain and no, you can’t guess, or at least you can’t guess correctly so spare me by not guessing at all.
But I get your drift here. My problem is I am by my nature, a candid, earnest sort of person. So it’s very disturbing for me to shut down. Not just for other but for me as well.
It’s very hard not to disappear completely. I suppose I’m looking at significantly disappearing, but still there. So appropriate for the saturn transit. I was working in groups (Saturn in 11th) and now working in secret (Saturn in 12th).
I have always said, I could set my clock by astrology. You can see I’m not kidding about this! 🙂
* for the record, the money was not given to me because I needed it. It was not charity. And it was not owed to me, either.
This makes me think of another tactic – the famous Scorpio glare that ices out any unwanted questions! I’ve tried this but I’ve got too much Sag and Libra to carry it off!
you are a trust-worthy being — anyone who comes in contact with you knows that. If you must say anything –just ask that others to trust that you will someday share when you can — until then thank them for their patient loving support. As it is said in Zen “Not knowing is most intimate” Without a storyline to muddy the waters that loving support can be most clearly felt.
Thank you!
ps. it also gives them something “to do” — they can offer patient loving support.
Gossip is a form of addiction. People afflicted always need a hit. It’s not that they’re bad people per se but they simply cannot control their addiction, so why feed them? If they’re in denial about their addiction, pointing out they’re an addict will be met with the usual response of an addict – attack the person pointing out the obvious! If however they’re ready to change this behaviour, pointing it out can be just the catalyst they need to work on the issue.
Lunarose, I think you hit the nail on the head there.
I’ll second that Lunarose. People need connection and love sensation. Gossip feeds the need. People hook together to talk about others, inflate the truth, analyse, and then predict nonsense that ‘becomes’ the next truth. Therefore, they don’t have to work on themselves or feel bad about their own truth. Gossip is so evil and harmful, it really puts you off wanting to talk altogether. I keep well away from any of these kind of conversations, they are are so soul-damaging and dangerous. Women are by far the worst at this. A seemingly promising relationship can be burned down in a few seconds by gossip or fishing for it. Horrid.
I can be trusted to keep someone’s secret to myself. It can be a burden sometimes. I hope whatever it is you’re unable share comfortably becomes something that doesn’t weigh so much, and you can be relieved with the telling/sharing without fear soon. Of course, we don’t need to know ‘details’ to send you support and love. 🙂
CArRiE, thank you. It’s so ^()%$ bad. If I told you, you’d sob your heart out. Gah. I am so sorry.
I don’t blab. At all. Over the years, people have entrusted me with their secrets. (Now I see why).
I don’t like gossip. If I hear it, I change the subject. I’ll find the truth sooner or later. I make up my own mind.
Ugh. My ex husband and I have a quintuple Sagittarius friend who met someone on Facebook and they started dating. He liked her because she reminded him of his highschool first love. They had the same last name, she was a Taurus and then ex was Aries, same year. Of course the existence became Facebook friend of our Sag pal. It’s not a secret NOW but they were sisters, only new Taurus Stephanie and highschool love Aries Stacy were born by 2 different mothers. Stacy knew she had a half sister a month younger all her life. Stephanie only knew her birth father was still married when he got her mom pregnant. We had to meet both sisters and I was ready to explode for months from Knowing. But his son let the car out of the bag and that ended happily considering. Please tell me no secret that I have to keep it from a person who is having dinner with ME!
I don’t know. I hate gossip and I try not to participate in it. Certainly, if someone asks me to keep a secret, I do. Luckily I usually forget what they told me 😉 Blessings!
I Am sorry that you have got a weight on you, Elsa. I Have no idea what goes on beyond the “walls” of the blog and I hope that the good Lord cuts you a break. Truth is,you give so much to us, sometimes it’s not fair to you the person not the hologram and you mentioned feeling disgusting- the 8th house is playing whatever moon tricks that it is on the non-hologram you, I don’t think it’s you that’s disgusting but I have lots of 8th house and Pluto lives in mine as well as Venus, so people who are not as astrologically blood and gutted sometimes blame the person who is determined to not sink into a disgusting situation that happens to them as if they’re born in a world devoid of poop or rage or shock. What’s so shocking is human experience is rarely a first time that any given situation happened but when it happens to ME, I own it sometimes even though I didn’t MAKE it. So whatever it is you are up against, you’ve got my prayers! ❤??we love you here. I have the Gemini asking for backdated blogs about the soldier and P. We were kids when we were first together and then 2 decades plus we reconnected. We both prayed for your current conditions.
Maybe it’s my fever but I am picturing the bit of Libra I do have, since I’ve read “I have Libra” as an excuse and explanation for Elsa’s bouts of politeness. I have Venus in Libra 8th house. I wonder if that’s why the Gemini can “handle ” my disgustings-his Scorpio moon and my courtship attempt at Libra social graces as I was a police photographer who drew a web comic featuring a talking ghost of my uterus. “Welcome to the Apocalypse. How do you take your coffee?” How did he NOT run?
You could read up on stop gossip/tapa Boca remedies, long established remedies in folk magic and footwork. Many of the oils, candles, etc draw on healing properties of plants and other natural substances. I was cautious about trying these remedies when I first learned of them because I didn’t understand much of the history and context. But I’ve come to appreciate how lighting a candle, or using powders and oils, can be empowering and help turn things around. Anyway, these remedies have been popular for a long time in recognizing the problem of gossip and how destructive it can be. The Lucky Mojo site is informative on the history and a good start for research (I’ve never ordered from them though). I like being reminded that we don’t have to just take it and can turn things around. My own opinion is that while otherwise nice people broadcast or feed on gossip, the intent is often malicious and willful. Being self-protective is wise, especially when you’re dealing with personal challenges and trying to sort things out. There are some great classic movies that deal with the harm of gossip as a theme.
I’ve seen some of those movies. 🙂
Just watched a very good film I hadn’t seen before My Reputation with Barbara Stanwyck. And of course The Women with Norma Shearer.
*rootwork (footwork a typo)
“People introduce us to ourselves. Sharing ourselves with others helps us to understand ourselves; in the process we reveal ourselves to others, but we also help them to discover themselves. ….In the 20th century humanity was preoccupied with the quest for independence. The 21st will be the century for interdependence or one of tremendous human suffering. The great truth that must come into focus is WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER. Both in our individual relationships and relations between nations, this is the idea that can most advance humanity.” -The 7 levels of Intimacy.
Seemed relevant. By hiding our truth we are hurting ourselves and others. Our lies = our pain. Think before you speak your truth, yes but don’t deny your truth for the sake of keeping up appearances.