Dear Elsa,
Last January, I lost my husband of 21 years and the father of my two teenage sons. I have recently become engaged to a man I love very dearly. The man I have met and fell in love with seems to have secrets. We have gotten to the point he stays over at my home several nights of the week and when he’s not here he is unreachable by phone. He never answers his cell in front of me and always keeps it on vibrate.
I did go through his cell messages one morning and found a couple of messages that concerned me. Like “Do you want to keep your bedroom set” and from the same person , “We should go out on a date this weekend”. Every time I have mentioned this woman he says I am insecure with our love and that I need to realize he loves me and would never allow someone to come between us.
My sons adore this man and he spends much time with them and seems to adore them as well. At the age of 37 and him 43, I don’t want to waste his time or mine and surely don’t want to play games. Please help me put my gut feelings to rest!
Thank you,
Gemini in Love
Dear Gemini,
I wish I could! But the fact is, you don’t trust this man and he doesn’t trust you. If you trusted him, you would not be going through his messages and if he trusted you, he’d be telling you what is going on in his life. So the question is, should you be planning to marry someone you don’t trust – and I think the answer to that is obvious.
And I don’t know what this guy is up to and it really doesn’t matter – the nuts and bolts. He’s keeping something from you that is significant and worse… he’s blaming you. He’s essentially telling you that you are paranoid when anyone who isn’t brain dead would be questioning his questionable behavior. So here’s what I really think:
I think you have suffered an incredible loss, as has your sons. And I think you have a Libra Moon and you like to be partnered (as do I). And I think you want to fill this void and think you ought to do exactly that, but not with a man who does not come clean with you.
See, you are fully engaged and he is not. And I am very sorry. Because I know if you leave this guy, you will be hit with a wall of pain. But this is because you lost your husband and your sons lost their Dad and life is very hard. It’s not because this guy is some incredible prize, because he’s not. And if you want a clear picture of that just take a look at this situation from outside yourself.
What do you think of a man who engages a widow and her sons in this way, so soon after they’re suffered this horrible tragedy when he cannot be fully present? I don’t know what you think, but I think it’s pretty lousy and this is my advice:
Break the engagement. Tell this guy to come back when and if you have total access to his cell phone. If you stop hearing from him (and I would anticipate this), take a little time to recover and then get back out there and fish another line.
And know that this is not your fault. Very few people can imagine what you and sons have been through and when I try, I think it would be very easy to end up right where you are. So please be easy on yourself. You’ve been hit by a train and people empathize.
Good luck.
i am so sorry for your loss! and i’m also sorry that this new guy is not letting you into his life fully. it seems you’ve opened your heart to him, and he’s not done the same for you. he acts just like a man with another woman.
the fact is, if your intuition goes off enough that you want to check his phone messages, regardless of what you find, you already know the answer on some level.
i hope you quickly find someone who deserves the love and devotion you have to offer, and returns it in kind. peace out.
yes, people may not know how to put it into words… but we feel for you.
total access to his cell phone? that’s a bit much, i think. people have a right to their own thing and their own space independant of the relationship. and if someone asked me for complete access to my cell phone (or my email, for example) i would flat out refuse, and i believe, rightly so. he’s being questionable, but demanding access to what he is hiding is not the way to go here.
there is yours, mine, and ours in any given relationship. it’s a fine balance, but it has to be there…
I don’t know, silverfoot, I kind of like what Dr. Phil says all the time, “People who have nothing to hide….hide nothing”.
This man has all but moved in with Gemini and obviously is not adverse to “sharing” her personal space but draws the line with her sharing his (i.e. cell phone, etc, etc.)
I agree with you, Elsa. There is no trust to build a stable, solid foundation upon. Perhaps not now but in time the “structure” would collapse without proper support.
I am saddened by Gemini’s loss and her current situation. I wish her abiding love and happiness.