I Torture Myself With Thoughts Of My Boyfriend’s Ex-Girlfriends

Pluto pendant silver

Dear Elsa,

Can I stop taunting myself by imagining how I compare up with all this guy’s other exes already? I’m a big enough girl to know better. I just keep imagining reasons why I’m not all that important to him though everything (including, notably, the way he treats me) says I am.

But words are too slippery to describe the way I feel about him (and, reasonably possibly, him likewise) and without those in the air, I feel entirely ungrounded about this and am driving myself nuts because I don’t have it “spelled out” – as if I would need or even want that!

United States

Dear Ungrounded,

I know you have been reading my stuff for five years, you know my style so I feel I can be blunt and in fact you’ll appreciate it. In whatever case, I am willing to take this chance and tell you that reading this I wonder if you really want to solve your problem. Because you seem to enjoy this sort of poetic masturbation immensely, sort of like being endlessly fascinated with what may be inside a broken VCR rather than cracking the case and finding out. So if this is the case, I’d say carry on. You are your own unsolvable riddle. But if you want practical steps to change your reality here’s the outline… an actual flow chart! 🙂

First, accept you have needs. Then you ask your partner to meet them. In this case, “I feel insecure and would like you to tell in words what I mean to you.”

If he meets your needs and you find yourself shored up – End
If he ignores you, decide if you can live without reassurance.

If you can’t? End
If you can live without – Continue

Decide how much bother it is to live with the insecurity.

Not so much – End
Can’t live with it – Therapy

Tell the therapist you are fixed on this, and they will help you discover if the problem is due some complex based on your upbringing or otherwise offer you medication to quell your fears and/or obsessions. Because you have this problem precisely defined and it’s clear the problem comes from within.

You have an 8th house Venus in exact opposition to Pluto, so there is not going to be some flippy trick to stop this. If it were me, I would crack the case of the VCR, dig in and discover the problem so I could fix it and not be plagued. But I have the feeling you would rather ponder why there is a VCR in the room in the first place… if in fact there is a VCR there and the thing you see is not a figment. And I don’t think there is anything wrong with this. I just don’t think you’re going to solve anything less you want to get dirty.

Good luck.

2 thoughts on “I Torture Myself With Thoughts Of My Boyfriend’s Ex-Girlfriends”

  1. I have an 8th house scorpio venus, not opposed pluto, but I have similar issues and have decided that I can’t live with it and am going to therapy. I am sick of tired of being sick and tired about things I can’t control and worrying myself sick (literally) about them.

    I hope you figure this out, because it’s no way to live, and makes it too hard to be happy. Good luck!

  2. i, too, also have an 8th house venus…except, it squares pluto in the fifth.

    for the longest time, my life was like masturbating on anti-depressants.

    ever tried it? it sucks, indeed. i wanted to cry, but i couldn’t because of the medication (haha). i actually went off the meds because my orgasm (woohoo!) was more important than my own “happiness” (i put this in quotes, because it does not exist), at the time.

    …well, i literally got down and dirty — it is probably not appropriate to describe the situation but it felt like a spiritual/emotional cleanse.

    it really helps to grow a pair of proverbial balls and dig deep into dark matter and discover what’s hiding underneath there, which was what i did/am still doing.

    also, comparing oneself to “ghosts” (exes) seem pointless, no?

    apologies for the verbose comment, heh.

    ps: i believe in meditation not medication. 🙂

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