Greetings,
I have found myself in love with my gay friend. We have been friends for the past five years and about a year ago, I told him that I knew he was gay. He was devastated as he said he wanted to tell me on his own, as he had another agenda. You see, he too had fallen in love with me, but I did not know that. We spoke and I felt better after we did; however, he on the other hand was devastated
It is going to be two years since all this happened but lately I found myself falling for him. You see, he closed the door when I told him I knew and he just felt he had blew it. He said that he has been fighting a demon in him for years and when he realized how he felt towards me, he thought that was it. I loved him then but now I have fallen for him.
Everyone who knows us thinks we are a couple, as he is on the down low. We are complemented very well, we act like a married couple, he treats me like I’m his queen, he caters to my every needs and is there for me whenever. I believe he is my soul mate but now the shoe is on the other foot I don’t know what to do. We have discussed it but he keeps going in circles with the answers. I know he loves me a lot but he too is scared, as he has been hurt in the past.
He says he thinks it best not to ruin a great friendship, then he does the sweetest things. For instance, we recently stayed on the phone from 12:30 am to 5:30 am talking; when asked why did he stayed up so long with me as he is not a phone person, his response was because I love you and care for you. He even told his mom about I am the one he will grow old with but now that I am showing a little more interest in him, he is pushing me away. I am confused. Should I just let it takes it course and just enjoy what we have now. I am really confused, as I believe he is my soul mate.
Confused Lady
Dear Confused,
I can see why you are confused. He is not offering you any clarity but I will. This man is gay. He may very well love you and in fact, I am sure he does but he is still gay. And if you love him you will accept this completely.
And the worst thing you can possibly do to a gay man is expect him to be in a romantic relationship with a woman. I am sorry, but the idea is absolutely ludicrous. Just stop and think about it. Think about a gay man lying in bed with a woman night after night after night. Talk about a living hell. He wants a man, not a woman. But this does not mean he does not want a friend.
And it does not mean he does not suffer angst around his sexual preference, because obviously he does. And as his friend, you could be helping him with this. You could be telling him you love him the way he is and always will. You could be telling him that you want him to be happy and you know that only a man can ever give him what he needs. And you could be supporting him as he fumbles around out there, letting him know you will always pick up the phone if he needs you. You have a stellium in Cancer! Nurture him for chrissakes! Give him some of the unconditional mother love you have reams of.
And meanwhile, with your friend on the right track, you could go look for a non-gay man. One that isn’t homophobic, okay! Because you have a gay pal! And after this, life goes on, everyone evolves and with a little bit of luck, nature takes its course and you and your friend both wind up happy, satisfied and friends for life.
Good luck.
Just for the record, the male brain goes thru the “change” in their late 40’s, on average. Mid-40’s earliest. It finishes synthesizing around age 50. I think that this also means that perhaps the heterosexual men in their fifties are less creepy and more inclined to want real intimacy and true love. Now, I really want to find that article.
Pathetique, can we talk on the phone or email offline sometime? I really want to pick your brain a little. Not sure how to do this anonymously unless we both create new email accts that don’t show our names in gmail …. we can chat online in gmail, too, i think. I do want to remain anonymous….
KW! Keep us updated! This sounds exciting! A real kiss on the lips! Woo-hoo!
Onemoredreamer, I would love to chat with you offline. How can we do this? Or should we stay online so that others may share any helpful insights our conversation/exchange might generate? I too think it’s best to remain anonymous.
Someone got a real kiss! This is too exciting! There’s hope yet for all of us. Brava, KW–yes, please do keep us updated.
Pathetique,
There’s just a few things that, if I put them in print, might give away who I am. And, it could get too lengthy, too.
How about we create anonymous email ids just for us to do a chat? Then, we correspond only thru those email ids. Our emails will remain in our in boxes, so we can later “post” any of them that we think would be helpful to the group (if we agree that it is ‘anonymous’ enough material).
In fact, here’s my new fake email address just for this purpose:
mysterychick77 at gmail dot com
I will still be posting here, too, though. Don’t worry!
Sounds fine to me, Onemoredreamer. Give me some time to figure out how to do this from my end. But let’s be sure not to shut others out, now that we have all bonded because of our common plight.
No problem. I’ll bet there’s hundreds of us in each city secretly crazy about our gay crushes. The public forum must remain and is immensely helpful!
Hi everyone! sorry I didn’t respond sooner but I have been very busy! I will respond later and share with you my own personal experiences! let me just say for now that changes, no matter how little of drastic, is a natural process, and not as difficult as most people let you to believe.
Hugs and kisses!,
Leandro
Well as an update had a very intense heart to heart last night with my gay friend and I was moved to tears with the things he said, I have never had him open up to me like this and I think its a great turnaround, he has apologised for his mood swings and the fall outs we had in the past but he says he thinks a lot of me because I have made his life happier and brighter he has been through a bit of a bad patch and he felt very sad but he said that I have brought him through it. He said he thinks I am beautiful both outside and in and that he can always be himself with me more than anyone else and he’s so glad he met me because he feels he wouldn’t know what to do without me. Plus he wanted to thank me for all I am and who I am well the tissues were at the ready cos I was crying with so much emotion for what he said – I mean I have never even had a straight guy talk and open up like that, I feel he is finally built up his trust for me and appreciates me I just don’t want the bubble to burst – what next who knows but I just hope things stay this way xx
Where are you, Leandro? You’re going to explain this whole thing to us, right?
I have been sat reading through these posts and weeping, for the second time in my life I have fallen for a gay guy. The first one I had a huge crush on him for over a year, everyone at work thought we were together, there was a lot of mutual flirting and the chemistry was amazing.
He was everything I wanted in a man.. thoughtful, kind, bought me lovely little presents. He fessed up after a year that he was gay and had been seeing someone for a while. It hurt so much, I was in bits. I left the company a couple of years ago and our contact has dropped off and I find that has eased the pain.
So what have i done now.. exactly the same thing! I have recently met a another guy and tbh I have been lapping up the attention.. the texts, phonecalls and IM. He texts most days to ask how I am and what I have been up to, he took me out for a meal last week and it felt so good to walk into a restaurant with him. I have been single for 3 years and I felt “normal” to be seen out with an attentive man.
I watched a movie round his place last night and I wanted so much to snuggle up to him, I got as close as I dared but I was willing him to put his arm around me but I would probably have made a fool of myself by jumping on him! He told me he was gay about one month into our friendship but I had already fallen for him by then. He is single but we had a discussion last night about his relationship hopes and I felt so jealous, he wants a relationship and children.. I want to bear his children and be with him forever. This hurts so much. I know that if I distance myself again the pain will go as it did last time. Why do I keep doing this?? I wish hetero men would treat me this well, they act so much like cavemen. I think it is hard as we women can often use our feminine charms to get what we want but in these situations it is frustrating to know that it won’t work!
We all feel your pain, Emotional. It seems as if it’s a catch-22 for us: If we want sex (of course we do, we’re human), we have to put up with the “cavemen” heteros; if we want to be treated properly, we must associate with gay men and forfeit the sex. What to do? No wonder we keep falling in love with them–gay men seen to know instinctively exactly how we DREAM of being treated by a man. Maybe some women have found the two combined in one man, but I am not one of them. I have no solution. All I know from experience is, there is a latent misogyny lurking just beneath the surface of many gay men (and many heteros, for that matter) that you don’t want to see. Push just a little too hard, and you may see it. I have seen it, and it is ugly and hurtful beyond belief. I’m afraid that most of the “love affairs” agonizingly described above will end badly before they end consummated physically in any way. Sorry to be such a downer.
I have been reading this post for a while listening to what everyone has to say about the way that they are feeling and feel sad and guilty to admit that I feel that same way. I was never led to believe that this relationship would become physical, in fact, I never really wanted it to become physical either. The real problem is that I have let other healthy relationships fall by the wayside because I am so involved in this one and it makes me sick.
Now that he has found someone I am constantly put on the backburner. Never will he commit to plans with my unless he knows that nothing more exciting will come along and when we are together all that we do is obsess on every little thing that his new boyfriend says.
I really feel angry with myself for letting this happen. Does anyone else feel as if there is some reason why we seek out these unhealthy relationships with people that will never fully love and appreciate us as women? If you have any advice on dealing with this, I would really appreciate it.
In my heart I feel as if I should greatly restrict my contact with him as more and more I am feeling used, but this scares me as well because I feel as if he is my best friend. It is a double edged sword and I am having extreme difficulty dealing with it.
So,I’m #63, yet another broken hearted woman who fell for her ‘gay’ best friend.
It all started 3 years ago, we met at school and became friends instantly, I ended up being the cover for his relationship with another (overly flamboyant) man. A year down the track, we were closer than ever, but as best friends..not anything more..we started to experiment, one thing lead to another and we somehow ended up in bed together, (no sex) it didn’t mean anything to either of us at the time and we just joked about it from then on. We were close than ever at this stage. He then left for 3 months to tour in a musical (he’s a dancer..but a very masculine one..well, as masculine as a dancer can be..) while he was gone he would message me everyday “I love you baby” “I don’t know how I’m coping without you, you complete me” I started to call him “the boyfriend you have when you’re not having a boyfriend” When he returner at the begining of 2008 we started to become more intimate,he told me he was IN love with me (which scared me a little) he’d kiss me, hold my hand, spoon in bed and tell me naughty details over late night phone calls.. it was just like any other relationship with a man i’ve ever had, the physical and emotional side..except this whole time he was still experimenting with men.
I couldn’t handle it and I confronted him and asked him ‘what we were’, to which he replied with tears rolling down his face’ i think we’re just friends’. My heart shattered into a million tiny pieces and we barely spoke to each other for a month.
But sure enough as time has passed, our relationship is back and more intense than ever, until last week. I got a phone call from him, he was sobbing and said that he urgently needed to see me. I was on my way out at the time to a formal function, and said i’d calll him later. He kept sobbing and said that he had had sex with a man for the first time that night and felt so dirty and ashamed that he couldnt go home and that he HAD to see me. I cut my night short and met him.
I would usually catch him staring at me and tonight was no acception. I could feel him watching, every time i looked up he was looking deeply into my eyes asif to say ‘i love you’, i knew what was coming and i knew exactly why he had to see me, he felt was in love with me.Again.
We went back to my house and as soon as we got into bed he was touching my body and kissing me all over, it was relaxed and playful, romantic and fun. It was the most relaxed night I have ever had, i felt so confident and safe with him, we started talking about the future, he said he wanted to be with me and we started to plan our ‘secret relationship’
….but that was a week ago, and alot changed in a week..
He doesn’t know who he is, he told me there is no one else he wants to be with, but he is still confused. He is still in love with me he says;.
I love him too, but i dont think i can go through this heartache again, and not only that, i am having trouble thinking of him as a boyfriend knowing that he has been with another man,
and god forbid, should he ever leave me for a man, I told him he would lose me forever.
I said the balls in his court, we dont know whether to keep it as a friendship (which snt actually an option considering we’ve never been ‘just friends’) or to at least try it as a relationship
What do you lovely people think?
Do I give him time and space?
Do I just say leave it as friends so i always have him in my life or do I push for a relationship…
help
Well, here’s my 2 cents.
He sounds like he has a lot of programmed guilt about being with men, and he’s really not sure about his identity. You don’t sound like you’re willing to share him with men, assuming for the moment that he’s bi-sexual. (And, has he considered that he is simply bi-sexual?).
If he were heterosexual and his other affections were for women, your answer would be so much simpler. You’d obviously be blowing him off. If he were sure of his identity, this also would be easier.
Part of him doesn’t want to hurt you, but part of him is really confused as to why he is interested in men at ALL. I mean, to feel “dirty” about it? I suggest he go to therapy and sort that part out. He’s got to come to terms with his true identity, whatever it is, and love and accept that identity. And, you can stay by as a supportive friend while he works it out or not …. your choice.
But, I hear you on the pain. Be careful, he sounds like his affections are currently wavering like a candle in the wind. He’s very unstable. Perhaps you ought to view this as a relationship that is temporary for the time-being. But, I’m not sure what you’re getting out of it if so. Mother figure who helps him find himself? Not sure you need that. Of course, you are hoping he’ll want you for the rest of your life. And, these types “feel” their feelings perfectly …. and that is what we love about them. It is as if their feelings penetrate to their very soul. How endearing! So different than the hetero cavemen.
Someone else, please pipe up for this woman. I’m not sure my advice is complete.
Thanks for the feedback ‘onemoredreamer’
We have spoken about whether he might be bisexual before, he honestly doesn’t know. I remember before we became friends he was seeing a girl but since then he has spoken about her as a ‘cover up relationship’.
He lost his father as a young boy, was molested by a male family friend and has been raised strictly catholic, so part of him feels ashamed that he has feelings for men and has since become close friends with a priest who is trying to ‘snap him out of it’ type thing..Keeping in mind be is only just 20, so obviously he is still figuring himself out.
Its an interesting one. The more time I give him to make up his mind, the more I want to say ‘lets just be friends’.
It’s hard to view it as a ‘temporary’ relationship when we’ve been this way for about 2 years, and we’ve both said it’s like we’ve been in a relationship without even realizing it.
Its hard because when I see him out,when he’s with all the overly flamboyant dancer boys, I can see that he fits in with that crowd. Its like he turns on his ‘gayness’, but when he is with me he is so masculine and takes control of the relationship.His whole persona changes.
Whats even harder is writing this, as i read my words, everything about it spells out GAY, but its just so hard to turn my back on this. So far today i’ve already received 3 ‘i love you’ txts and a ‘thinking of you, call me tonight’, he even wrote me a love song!
I guess the only way this will be resolved is if i ‘nip it in the bud’ because I think he’s too scared to say anything…
I go overseas next week, maybe I should leave it until i return to talk about this (I’m his date to a family function the day after I get back)…as they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder….how fond…only time will tell I guess..
WOW. Im really not alone.
About a year ago I met this amazing, wonderful and gorgeous man.
I had only been out of drug / alcohol rehab about a week, and it was 5 days after my 18th birthday.
I show up to work and he introduces himself, tells me he’s my supervisor and trainer. We comunicated during work, on many topics. It was slow th so he picked my brain on various topics. Upon finding out im a writer , artist and musicain I struck his intrest and during the whole conversation he ” checked me out ” I thought he was absolutley gorgueos. 6’1 latino spiked brown hair beautiful brown eyes… I immeditley knew there was something there. At the end of the day, he wrote down his number on a piece of paper and asked me to please please please text him later.
So I did. He asked me to bring in some of my poetry because he was studying to be a english teacher and would love to ” get inside my head” he asked me my age, and I told him. Turns out he was 28, exactly 10 years older than me.
The next day I brong in my drawing and poems, and on his lunch break he read them. He came back nearly in tears , hugged me and told me he knew exactly how I felt , at the time I was stuggling with my own sexuality. He said ” im bi and I keep telling myself im gay cause its easier for my mom to understand”
That night he took me out for dinner and coffee. We talked for hours and went record shopping. To me it was the perfect date.
We texted all night and would stay up talking on the phone til 3, 4 am sometimes.
A few days later I saw him crying in his truck and went up to him and kissed him on the cheek. Turns out he was having money issues. And so I gave him 100 bucks, which he refused to take. So I hid it in his truck during our ciggarette break. That night we planned on meeting again because he was gonna chill at my photoshoot for an adult website.
As soon as I got in the truck he leaned over and kissed me. As corny as this sounds I had only been with girls and been kissed by only three men prior to him.
It was perfect and beautiful and romantic and sent shocks thru me. I had never felt so pretty.
At the end of the night we went back to his apartment and watched ( cute but corny ) the simpsons. Both of ours favourite tv show.
A few weeks went by and we got closer and closer. He was moving soon, to grand junction. About 3 hours away fron denver. I cried on him when he told me and he asked me if I would consider moving with him. I knew he had a boyfreind but I didn’t care.
So the night of his ” goodbye” party came, and I went with him. We danced all night and he didn’t pay attention to anyone but me. We kissed passionatly every few minutes. When we pulled up to my apartment we made out and before I knew it I was going down on him. We stayed outside my grans house for what seemed like forever “playing” and kissing.
Shortly after I got my own apartment. My first night there he came over and … well, lets just say I wasn’t a virgin anymore. It was beautiful and perfect and sweet and suprisingly innocent. We cuddled afterwards and he held me.
I was raped 3 times in my past so there was no “cherry” to pop.
He left and the next morning he left for vacation.
Me and his freinds went on a partying rampage while he was gone.
And I became an escort.
While he was gone he knew what I was doing, but didn’t approve. He call and text every chance he had but was in the mountains.
The night he came back he asked me if I was still moving with him and I promised him I would.
When he moved I went with him, along with my friend and his bff.
We moved him in and when everyone went to sleep, well… yet again.
I promised him I would be back with him before valentines day, a month away.
A week or so later I got horrible cramps and relised that it had been a month or so since I “lost it” *and no there was no protection invovled*
I went to the hospital and they told me Im pregnant and it looks like im miscarrying.
I went home crying and I started bleeding lightly. I decided not to tell him because he had admitted to me that he wanted marriage and kids. It would break his heart.
Well, his bf broke up with him on febuary 1st. So he came home. To me. I was sooo happy.
Well, for about a day.
He met a boy and ” fell in love at first sight” . The way I felt about him.
I got depressed and refused to get out of bed.
Again, I got horrible stomache pains.
So I went to a much better high end hospital. And I find out I didn’t miscarry. And that I was currently misscarring due to stress. I cried my eyes out went home woke him up and told him it was just a uti. He said ok and that he loves me and he kissed me and held my tummy for a minute. Which I thought was weird.
I went in the bathroom and felt fluid and lumps of blood coming out of me. Again, I didn’t want him to know.
Noone knew, until a month later when my best frein told him about the first hospital visit.
I just told him the whole story last month.
He moved out in august, after 3 failed realationships.
Now he’s happy with his boyfreind. And swears im his #1 girl.
But he also tells me he’s gay now, and won’t give me a chance.
We had sex once in may, and that was the last time.
Tomorows my 19th birthday, and all I want is him to tell me he’s gonna give me a chance. But he won’t.
We see each other everyday, he says im his best freind, his “sister”.
I call him my bff and my “big brother.”
But everytime we stop to look in each others eyes, I feel something and I know he does too.
I have no family, and he’s all I got. Except for my one freind I’ve known since we were 10.
He’s my everything, my all.
He always will be.
If anyone wants to chat or knows how I feel, 720 939 2901
Or [email protected]
The women here are right. I’m like an ego-boost4 my gay friend whom I have fallen in love with…I look good on his arm. When we are together, guys who think we’re partners are always telling him he’s lucky to have me…except he doesn’t want me. I am everything he could want but I don’t have a penis.
I prayed that my gay friend would want to be with me but I have given up, with the help of this forum. It has been so difficult, I haven’t been able to speak to anyone. My friends are very homophobic and would also judge me because I have a partner.
The way I feel about my gay-friend is not a result of me having problems with my partner. This man who happens to be gay, is simply perfect in my eyes. I thought, he was the one. I would even have had his child and believe me, the thought of having children terrified me before this.
It started 6 months ago. I met him at work and fell for him immediately. We became close so quickly, it felt like our souls were connected. I didn’t believe in soul-mates before I met him.
Soon after, he told me he was bi. I was surpised and disappointed because he always acted like he had a massive crush on me. He has had many girlfriends but in the past few years, he has been with all men. He insisted he was bi and interested in girls in a small way, which did give me hope.
I know I was clinging to so little but he is amazing in every way and I honestly could handle him being bi-sexual if he loved me like a lover should.
He told me he loved me. He meant as a friend.
I really did think that he might have fallen IN love with me…
One night when we were out, he told me out of every woman he knew, he found only me attractive. I felt so beautiful and that gave me hope and later, I told him I had feelings for him. He told me he really liked me as well but he was confused after his ex cheated on him. I helped him through all of that and he kept saying how amazing I had been.
But he also said he wouldn’t want to split up me and my boyfriend, who I have been with for a very long time. I reckon he is also scared of my huge angry boyfriend but that aside, I said I was happy with just being friends.
And then he hurt me so much. I can not describe the grief here, it would take too long.
He could have just said there would never be a chance for us but he said maybe. Kept me hoping.
After we opened up to eachother, I expected things to change. I guess I hoped that he would realise how much he wanted to be with me. But instead he pretended like we NEVER spoke about our feelings at all.
Then he literally went mad after men…he showed me the pictures of him kissing various guys every night. I had never seen that side of him before. Then I found out he had been deeply in love with a man and still held out hope for them.
I tried to give myself space from him but he just kept texting me, and calling me, pretending nothing had happened again.
The nail in the coffin came when he introduced me to a guy he was dating at a house party. I was too scared to dance with my friend because I didn’t want to get tempted but he pulled me close, infront of his date and I felt he had an erection. I jumped off of him. I was so confused, I left the party and tried to sleep in his room.
Later, I got out of the bed because I couldn’t sleep.
He jumps in after. INFRONT OF ME, they’re in bed together.
I have never been so hurt in my whole life.
I left in the middle of the night, still drunk but he didn’t care how dangerous it was for me to get home. He was too busy with his date.
Since then I have told him that we are nothing more than work-mates.
Still, he pretends nothing has happened. He text me.
And he has been really distant with his date.
But I found the strength to tell him to leave me alone. THANKYOU GOD.
I was so alone. So hopeless.
I was on msn and he’s there too but we aren’t speaking. It’s killing me.
And then he changes his screen-name suddenly.
I look up the song-
“I love you…I can’t live without you…God, I need you.”
I prayed he meant that for me. Honestly, I thought it was was but I can’t ask him.
I’ve been rejected too many times.
He even had OUR picture up on his social networking sight.
I’m his phone wallpaper.
Believe me he has TONNES of friends. Why me?
Here I am, pouring my heart out.
Please, read this because I am so alone. Who else can I talk to? My friends could not understand. They would be disgusted. How could I have fallen for a guy who puts his penis in other men?
I have been with my boyfriend for many years. I will love him forever and I would trust him with my life. He is very clever and handsome and everything else one could want. Except he gets annoyed at me all of the time. And he always does the talking.
Essentially, he is decent. I know this. He enjoys my company and he is wise.
But my heart does not flip when he touches me. It never has. I felt warm when I was with him but there was never a raw passion with us. I have loved two guys with a passion. One rejected me. I was used by the second.
But now I have fallen in love with my gay friend. I have felt like this for six months.
He is the most caring, charming, beautiful guy I have ever met. We are so similar. I even thought we were soul-mates. But in being so similar, we even fancy the same men.
When we first met, I found his shyness and amazing eyes attractive. As I got to know him more, I got to love everything about him. Nobody else on this earth, has ever smiled at me the way he does when he greets me.
Then, he told me he was gay…well, “bisexual.” He has had many girlfriends. He had sex with one girl in the past. He preferred the sex with her because they were so close. But he lusted after the men he was with. HE HAD SEX WITH A MAN AT THE DROP OF A HAT.
I thought there may have been a small chance for us…he told me a small part of him found women attractive…Then one night we were out and he told me he was not interested in any women, EXCEPT ONES WHO LOOK LIKE ME. This was when he was with another man.
I actually thought I might be special.
We were drunk and we didn’t talk about what he said. But later, I caved in-told him I was in love with him. He said he really liked me but he was confused and didn’t want to split me and my boyfriend up.
I thought I could cope. I thought that I would leave things for now and be together one day. I WOULD HAVE WAITED. I would have married him. I would have had his child. Even saying that shocks me. The thought of marriage and children has terrified me before this.
We have a mutual straight friend. She’s amazing, and because of her, I have to see him because neither of us wants to make things awkward for her. He confides in her…she tells me what he has told her. They have a different relationship to him and I. I feel they love one another as friends. They don’t appear to find each other attractive. They fight like children. But I sometimes worry, perhaps she does like him. Just in case, I can’t tell her how I feel about him. They have kissed on numerous occasions, although only for dares. What if she did ever have real feelings for him though? I wouldn’t want to hurt her. I’m scared that maybe he rejected her and she would hate me because he found me attractive.
I know that sounds stupid.
He told her, that he was in love with his ex, a man. He was too CHICKEN SHIT to tell me, even though we were supposed to be honest with each-other.
I tried to ignore him after that but he made it impossible. He text me sweet little things. And I gave in. I talked to him again.
Things were fine, until he went out, to his usual gay bar. He met a guy and they spent a week together. The guy is from abroad, so he stayed with my friend, whilst on holiday.
I met this guy at a house party. He is truly wonderful-intelligent, handsome…gay. He & I had so much in common-we seemed to get along better than even him and my friend. I know what my friend sees in him.
At the party, I watched as the gay man I’m in love with and our mutual friend danced. I felt pity for his guest, as he stood there watching. I even danced with his guest. I may love my friend but I would not want to hurt the man he is with. I want him to be happy.
That’s how much I love my friend.
I danced with my friend at one point…THIS DANCE WAS NOT HOW ONE WOULD DANCE WITH THEIR FRIENDS. He had an erection as he pulled me next to him. I had to pull away. I felt immense guilt as his guest stood in front of us, his back turned.
And then my friend hurt me. He left me, cold and tired, to make my way home alone. I had to leave. I could not stay at his place, because he was in bed with his guest. This man had his arms around my friend. They were talking like lovers to one another.
I got up. I left.
And MY GAY FRIEND…THE ONE WHO CARES ABOUT ME SO MUCH, MY “SOUL MATE,” LET ME WALK HOME ALONE AT 5AM. HE LET ME WATCH AS HE LAY IN BED WITH ANOTHER MAN.
I didn’t care how dangerous it was for me to wander home, still drunk in the dark. I was distraught.
I told him I would have to forget about him. But I had to see him again.
And another bombshell hit me. This man he went to bed with was in love with him.
AGAIN, he didn’t have the GUTS to tell me the truth.
I saw him again, at dinner, one last time. I wanted to make him see what he was missing. I looked as good as I could. I’m young, I’m pretty, I’m as tall as a model and I have a slim figure. But he didn’t look at me like he lusted me.
I have never seen him look as good. I felt my heart break as we ate.
He didn’t even say goodbye to me. He just ran off.
He does find me attractive. I know he does. When we were out together, one stranger asked were we together. When he said no, they said he would be very lucky if we were because I’m beautiful.
He tells me I’m beautiful, and that I look like his favourite model.
He would have sex with me, I bet he would. But he would leave me for a man.
I feel as though he’s the most amazing man alive. But in truth, he’s as bad as any straight guy. He is THOUGHTLESS AND INCONSIDERATE.
HE SEES ME AS AN OBJECT. HE WOULD HAVE SEX WITH ME. BUT HE WILL ONLY LOVE ME AS A FRIEND.
HE DOESN’T WANT TO LOSE ME. BUT HE ALSO FLIRTS WITH OTHER PEOPLE.
HE DOESN’T PUT ME ABOVE ANYONE.
I’ve realised now, he only contacts me because he probably is bored. He tells me what he’s up to, even when he IS ON dates with men but maybe only because he needs fulfiment when he realises A MAN will never LOVE him like a woman could. I realise now that there is NOTHING like a woman’s love.
Men are unfeeling creatures.
But I can not continue to fulfil his needs. HIS EMOTIONAL VOID.
I CAN NOT SUFFER ANYMORE.
Okay, I was very angry when I wrote that a week ago and some of it sounds really harsh. I’m sorry. I saved it, meaning to post it before but backed out. I have been ignoring him for a week now and it has been the best decision I have made. I plucked up the courage to tell him to leave me alone when he tried to contact me. I really had given up all hope. Then he posts the words to a song on his msn, “I love you…can’t live without you…God I need you…I want to hold you.”
I swear it was directed at me, only because he changed it whilst I was online and ignoring him.
Well, today I found out he has 2 kids. 9 and 6. Im heartbroken . He told me the only reason im not good enough is cause im not a man. Please god someone help me.
Hi Nicole I read your story and I feel 4u so much. I’m so sorry about ur miscarriage honey.
I’m not that much older than u. But when was 18 I can tell you I was a lot more emotional than I am now and was very, very heartbroken by someone who I was with. It’s easier to be heartbroken when you’re younger. In a few years you will be so mmuch stronger.
This guy went behind my back with my friend. He rejected me and he was straight. Sometimes, men decide they don’t want to be with us for whatever reason, straight or bi-sexual, they are still men.
You trusted this man so much. That’s the main problem. Never trust a man one hundred per cent honey. You had unprotected sex with him. He is TEN years older than you, why didn’t he take some responsibility and use a condom? He has had sex with men and there is always the danger that he didn’t use protection with them. You don’t want to get any STIs off of him. So if you do sleep with him again, be careful. You don’t want to go through the pain of a miscarriage twice.
I know how frustrating it is to think you are perfect for him every way except for sexually. There is NOTHING wrong with you, you have to remember that. You must be very, very special. A man who normally falls for men has fallen for YOU. That says a lot about you. You must be very beautiful on the outside but mostly, on the inside because he loves your soul. If he doesn’t love your body, that is NOT YOUR FAULT.
I read that you came out of rehab. I hope to God that you don’t turn to the drink or dugs again. You have been through a lot in your life. This man should be HELPING you. Tell HIM THAT. He should be there for you. He should know that you need support, you do not need a man who is confused.
I think the only way you could have a chance of being with him is to talk to him openly. Tell him that you need him to be your rock. He can not expect you to be his councillor. You DON’T BE SCARED. If you’re angry, tell him that. Open your heart to him. It can’t make you feel any worse.
You have been through the worst because you know the truth about his kids now and that somehow he has made you feel you aren’t good enough.
Well, last night in a semi drunken rage…
I admitted to him that im dying, and all I’ve wanted was to be happy for once in my life, before I die.
And he still rejects me.
Its odd how someone who once wanted you, now loves you as a freind and that’s all
Its exactly what he’s done to me and if I wasn’t already dying id already have committed suicide
Plus im his boss at the moment. I give him 300 – 400 dollars a day.
He’s my “security” guard I guess, consider im still a fucking prostitute.
He loves me as a freind
He swears its nothing more
He swears it never will be
So why do I feel like this?
It must be so hard to keep having to see him. I have to see the guy I’m in love with too. I hate seeing him cos I miss him so much now. But the best thing 4u 2 do is block him out. You know, it will be better for u because he may eventually realise how much you mean 2 him. Don’t let him have everything on his terms. If you ignore him for a while, he will start to appreciate u xxx
Yea. I just can’t stay away I love him too much. He’s the best thing I have in my life.
I know it’s hard but even 4 a few days. It will feel like 4ever but it will get easier. If you stay around him, your heart will break every time you have to say goodbye because at the end of the day, he isn’t going2 take u to bed with him. If he had feelings for you before, u never know. Being away from you might make him realise what a fool he has been x
Oh dear me, after the most recent comments I really do sypmathise, I think about my friend everyday and I broke down in tears the other night because he has a new man n his life which has gotten quite serious very quickly – I really have tried to be happy for him because he is my best friend and I don’t want to lose him, I felt embarrassed crying in front of my two girl friends but they were very supportive and understanding.
I have all this emotion and passion inside and its painful sat next to the man you are besotted with, having to see him cosying up to his new man. I have tried to avoid my GBF for a few days but he has been phoning me wanting to meet for a drink – I have been bad with flu and he phoned me with deep concern telling me to look after myself and get an early night etc etc, not once did he mention his boyfriend when we spoke on the phone.
I think his Boyfriend is A bit suspicious of me through when I said goodbye to them last week after meeting for drinks My Gay friend give me a hug and once again planted a kiss on my lips, I got a bit of a dirty look from his boyfriend – but really I’ve known him 5 years not 5 minutes like he has – I am trying to be strong and accepting for them being together bust just dont feel his Boyfriend is accepting for us being friends ( he could have picked up the chemistry we have) but I am not worrying about what people think anymore x
I know what u mean about the boyfriends hating. One of his exes went into a jealous rage when he saw a picture of he & I up on his msn! I just feel uncomfortable going near him when he has a guy around though. I mean, I feel like there’s no point in pissing his men off cos at the end of the day, I’m never going to be with him in that way. I don’t blame his boyfriend for being jealous of you two. You connect on a level that they can’t.
I sympathise with what you said in an earlier post, in that I know he’s always talking about me and telling people how hot I am etc etc.
I wonder, are you in a relationship? If you’re single, have you ever been with a man infront of his face? I suppose cos you’re best friends, you don’t want to hurt him but it could be interesting to see his reaction.
Rachel,
You are so right in what you say and I am in total agreement with you – the very first time I met his boyfriend I was very mature and polite to him and made the effort to chat with him for my best friends sake.
But at end of night when we walked to get a cab it was my gay friend holding my hand while his boyfriend walked in front of us.
I have seen his reaction when I talk about other guys he just kind of gives of a fake laugh then changes the subject, plus when my friends were showing him some photos to him and his partner of my friends hen party weekend (which were taken with guys we me and got chatting to) he started playing with his mobile phone then leaned towards me showing what new clips he recorded on his phone – now is that him being selfish/Jealous or wanting my undivided attention, I really dont know.
One of my friends who met the guys thinks that they are not well suited at all and if anything there dosent look like there is any chemisty there as my gay friend seems to bubbly and outgoing where as his partner seems to serious and straight laced and dosent look like he can reach a smile!
I know what u mean. I get along better with my friend’s boyfriend than him! And his boyfriend told me that my friend has been very cold since they have been intimate. I don’t know why, maybe it has something to do with me because since that night things have changed between us. I honestly don’t know. But maybe my friend has feelings for his cheating ex still. He told me that I meant so much more to him than his ex but he still sees his ex all the time.
I don’t know what my friend’s reaction would be if he saw my partner & I together. He has never met my partner-my partner saw him once and instantly hated him because apparently my friend gave him the evil eye!!!
At least your guy gets jealous of you. I think that’s a sign that he does have feelings for you. Have you actually told him you want to be with him though? It sounds like he really might give things a chance x
Wow, I think I’m making progress. I spoke to my EX-GBF today and guess what? Instead of feeling hurt and hopeless everytime he said something to do with men, or to do with us meeting up, I felt ANGRY. I felt angry at him for stringing me along. I felt angry that he still is so inconsiderate towards me. It’s making me see him in a whole new light. You know what, my boyfriend might have some issues but he actually CARES about my feelings. My EX-GBF has serious problems. I mean, he hinted that he loves me and wants to be with me the other day on his msn. Now, I seriously doubt he meant his message for me at all. He can do what he wants for all I care. Our friendship is ruined. I really despise the way he has handled this situation. I have always been honest with him. It’s his loss if he couldn’t be truthful to me.
These guys are fakes, phoneys, misogynists, users, abusers, and manipulators to the nth degree. They are superficial (fill-in-the-blank). They are far, far worse than heteros. The exchange above is heartbreaking–and so familiar. (Please, Nicole, assure us that you are not really dying!) These guys don’t really care about us. There IS nothing like the love of a woman, but they don’t want it. They just want gay sex. The sooner we women in love with a gay man get this into our heads, the sooner we will be able to drag our sorry you-know-whats out of these ill-starred relationships and get back to the business of getting screwed (both ways) by real men, for better or for worse.
Well, I have breast cancer.
The other thing is, im very spiritual and so is my roommate amber. She’s had 2 visions… one involving me being pregnant by him, the other of us being together.
I am very sorry to hear that Nicole. I hope that Amber’s visions come true. You never know. If you want to dream then dream.
But like Pathetique, I’ve given up hoping.
Ex GBF contacted me. He seems cautious now of contacting me at all, which is for the best. I tried to avoid talking about anything to do with his sex-life but he starts tellin me that he made out with some damn unattractive guy…Is he trying to make me jealous? Is he just hopelessly insenstive?
I didn’t ask why he cheated on his boyfriend…things were “great” between them a few days ago…
Is this latest conquest a better catch than me? He’s immature, overweight, false…but he’s a man. So nevermind.
Oh yes, he’s his beloved (cheating) exe’s best mate. Probably trying to make beloved ex envious.
Everything u have said Pathetique, is confirmed.
I’m so sorry to hear that, Nicole. I hope you are getting yourself taken care of. These days you don’t have to die from it. Take care of yourself!
If dreaming helps you, then dream–Rachel is probably right. But I have at long last come to believe that there is no hope in a relationship with a gay man. I think we women vastly underestimate the appeal that gay sex holds for some members of the male population, too many, it seems. No matter how attractive we are, apparently, sex with us cannot compete with sex with another man for these men that we love. They cannot resist it, even if they want to. There is no point in competing when you stand no chance of winning. I’m doing my best to swallow my hurt and whatever pride is left, and move on. The most I hope from this horrendous, devastating, humiliating experience is that I will never allow myself to fall for a gay man ever again. I intend to give them–all of them, I’m sorry to say–a wide berth in the future. I swear I’ll never buy into their “I love being around women” act again. It is as phoney as a three-dollar bill. They love other men, period. Call me bitter, and you would be right. Call me angry, too, for being led on as have so many of the women above and then hear “shock, shock” when you tell them that you have fallen for them. I’ve been rejected before, that’s for sure, but somehow never so utterly and completely, reaching to the very core and essence of who I am, as it has felt being rejected by the gay man that I loved so much, that I adored above all other men. His cold, heartless, and complete rejection has made me feel as if I am inferior, imperfect, undesirable, and unlovable, just for being a woman. Who f—— needs it.
Everything u have said is so, so true Pathtique. But you know, you shouldn’t feel humiliated. I have gone through feeling I was stupid and it’s not true at all. All you did was express your feelings. That takes immense courage. You could have buried your feelings forever and continued loving him forever and been miserable forever. You took a chance. And I wouldn’t even call it rejection-when these men tell us they don’t want a relationship with us, it isn’t a rejection. We aren’t incompatible or unattractive. Somehow, they “love” us but can’t bring themselves to commit to us.
What is so terrible about having sex with a woman they LOVE and find attractive?
Why can they not sacrifice sex with a man?
I will never know.
Thanks for your kind and reassuring words, Rachel. You are right. But I’m convinced: They do not want our deep, true, and abiding love, forever; they just want to have sex with another man, tonight or tomorrow night, or the next. Let’s give it up.
I’m in love/infatuated with a gay guy right now. When I told my mother about it she said “I was in love with a gay man once, too!” I said “Really?! What happened?!” She then said “What do you think?? Nothing!”
Someone used a word earlier on here that really sums up this kind of situation: HOPELESS.
I can’t help the way I feel about him but I know sooner or later I’m going to have to move on. It’s hard not to fantasize about it though…
Tiana,
Even I’ve given up. It was hard but I had too.
I found a great guy and my gay best freind is happy for me ! He’s proud of me.
But he is a little jealous that im happy with someone other than him.
He’s gay sweetheart, dream, fanatize… maybe a few of your fantasies will happen… but he’s GAY.
He likes men.
Over the last few weeks I have felt differently about the situation. I have really accepted that he is gay and though I still love him, I can see him now and it isn’t so hard. I saw things that made me realise he was never in love with me and that hurts but at least I know the truth. And I actually spoke to him about things, properly, face to face. I thought I was going to vomit before I did but I gathered the strength and asked him why he lead me on. I can’t forget what he said…he wanted to see if he could fall in love with a girl. His experiment obviously didn’t work out for him. He used me but I can’t hate him for that because he is young and confused, as I thought. At least I know the truth now so I can move on.
Hi there
It is so interesting to me that so many other women are in this situation. I was once very in love with a gay man, he was confused having never had a gay relationship properly and we lived together like a married couple for 12 months. There was a lot of drinking involved and over the time we got just about as close as two people could get. The thing was I got more and more upset and hurt by the fact that as someone says above here, he wasn’t willing to even try anything physical with me. Just before he moved out he played me a tape of a song he wrote for me. He said how much he loved me and I had changed him. When the tape finished he said “but it doesn’t change anything, I’m still gay”. He left and my heart was broken. I’ve been engaged since, and broke that off, and part of the reason I guess was that my love for the gay guy could never be matched and I just didn’t feel that deep soul connection with my fiance. I thought I never would again.
I got dumped about 9 months ago and had to go through the humiliating process of moving out, again. I feel like my love life has been a shambles for the last five years and so when I got my new place I decided it was just me. I would not require a relationship to be happy, and really I have been the happiest I’ve ever been now I live alone in my own space.
The problem is I can see myself falling in love again. I’m 14 years older than him, and we have worked together in the performing arts. I have known him a while and we have become very close friends since I became single. He recently moved away to go to Uni and now we talk almost every day, he even says he talks to me more than anyone else. He says he loves me all the time. Recently he also said he misses me every day, and that it is not funny anymore because it hurts. I have been trying to hard to not let my feelings get too deep, in fact I am lucky that there is no jealousy whatsoever, if he sleeps with guys (and he does) it really doesn’t affect how I feel about him, it’s like I want him to be happy and it seems that he separates love and sex completely. I know if I were to go and find a guy to be with he would still love me and be happy for me. On the whole it is so wonderful, and even though similar to the situation before I am addicted to it and I kind of believe that it’s going to be okay no matter what happens. We sing together whenever we can and recently he sang with me in front of his family and we held hands as he gazed into my eyes. He has a beautiful voice and everyone in the room was crying to watch us together. We have a deep soul connection and it feels so right, but I am terrified I will eventually want more and mess it up. Is there anyone out there who has made something like this actually work? We have slept in the same bed a few times (once in a single bed) and we both liked being close to each other. If love is unconditional, where is the problem?
Oh Melonstar, I really feel for you. I too am 14 years older than the gay man I loved, which only added the (sexist) “age thing” to the “gay thing” and made it all the more hopeless. I so understand what you are going through–again. Some forms of love may be unconditional, but erotic love isn’t. We need the physical part of it. Even Plato acknowledges as much. Eros is tough. If it’s eros you feel for this man, you will never be satisfied. You have a right to be satisfied. We all do–we’re only human, after all.
Rachel: Thanks for the update. What a clarification of the motivation of these gay men. It rings true in my case, too. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Folks, I’m out of the business of loving a gay man, if I can help it. (I pray not ever to meet another one who leads me down the garden path with his apparent care and charm.) What good we get from them, I’m convinced, as good as it can be, is not worth putting up with the bad stuff, which is really, really bad.
You’re right Pathetique. The bad stuff is awful. I wish that I could cut him out of my life altogether, but we work together and we have mutual friends. Trying to be just mates is so hard. I’ve entered a new phase of despising the girls he’s friends with…he’s always with girls. I see him flirt with them how he did with me and I just look away to be honest. I can’t compete with men for his love or women for his attention. It’s too hard. On the other-hand, we have an amazing connection. Everyday we spend together, makes me love him more as a person, not even as the object of my desires. I am so thankful that I met him. But I wish I could take the memories of our friendship and cut him out of my life.
I am so happy I found this site. First let me explain, I’ve been married for 13 years to a great but boring guy.
I started a friendship with a neighbor from the area I work. I didn’t think too much about it. He stops in my work everyday and we chat.
From talking with him, he was hard to figure out. I thought he was gay, then I didn’t. I wasn’t sure. I never really asked him. I sure wanted to but I figured he would tell me when he was ready. This has been going on for about a year.
Within the last couple months, are friendship seemed to skyrocket. We talk everyday, he stops by everyday (at my work) and we IM each other all the time.
I thought to myself, wow, this guy is fun & nice. Why isn’t my husband like this ?
I started getting feelings for this guy and I kept saying, this is not right (I’m married).
Well, he finally told me he was gay. I wasn’t mad or angry or anything like that but was still kind of shocked (even though I kind of knew). It felt like he dropped a bomb on me.
I want to keep our friendship that we have but not sure what to expect. I have met some of his friends, which are very nice. I don’t know if he’s in a relationship or not, he hasn’t really said? He tells me where he is at all times so it’s hard to say.
My husband knows I talk to him (but not how much, which is a lot).
I don’t have a lot of close friends and I really think we can be friends, just not sure how to handle it.
Any advice would be much appreciated.
Dear Carol,
I knew a woman and a gay man who were “soulmates” …. obviously, no sex …. but they loved to talk all of the time. She was married and her husband was the type with a good job but would go to “THEE DOLLHOUSE” for drinks and to watch exotic dancers …. even though his wife was very pretty and not overweight …. so he is fine with her overly-friendly friendship with the gay guy. Even though the gay guy moved out-of-state, they are best of friends, on the phone constantly, cannot be apart.
If your husband knew this guy was gay, I’m sure he wouldn’t care if you IM’d the guy constantly. For you, it feels kind of romantic and like cheating. For the gay guy, who knows? It may be that gay men are bi in their minds for “romance”, but never in their bodies ….
It sounds like a very safe crush to have on a guy! Keeps you out of real cheating …. enjoy it for what it is. You can have your cake and eat it too with that relationship. Love the gay guy even if you can’t have him in bed. He might end up being the best friend you’ve ever had …. like a brother and a crush all at the same time.
OneMoreDreamer – Thank You!
Oh I don’t know, OneMoreDreamer. Inevitably, these things lead to hopes and expectations that stand no chance of being fulfilled for us women. I tend to agree with Rachel. Her experience has been most like my own. (My ex-gay-love also continues to flirt with other women in my presence, as if it’s now not clear as can be that he has no intentions of getting physical with them either.) But I am happy to report that I AM NO LONGER IN LOVE WITH A GAY MAN. Granted, I had a lot of help from him in getting over this–I couldn’t have done it without him, in fact (translation: he screwed me over royally). My advice to all is to accept these men’s sexual orientation completely, from the beginning. If you can’t do that, then stay away from friendships with gay men.
IM’ing a gay guy is fun, safe, and still better than cheating on your husband with a hetero guy!
I am with Pathetique. I don’t think I’m in love with a gay man anymore either. I speak to him now and my heart doesn’t flutter. I don’t have any romantic expectations from him anymore. I expect him to be the friend that he always has been. He doesn’t disappoint on that level but on any other level, I know now that nothing is ever going to happen. I used to think that I knew him better than anybody…but I realise now that he is impossible to understand. I have no idea how he could have hurt me so much. All he cares about is his own happiness. He doesn’t care about my emotional state. I want a man who puts my feelings first-he never has done. He is gay. He doesn’t want me. It’s his loss, not mine. I’ll find someone else to fall in love with. And as soon as we don’t have to work together anymore, I won’t bother about him at all.
Amen, Rachel. You and I are on the same wavelength. I too work with my former gay “love” but expect (hope) that to end soon, too. Your experience and mine are virtually identical, which is only to say that this is a typical way for gay men to operate with women. How could they hurt us so much?!! I never knew him at all, as it turns out, too. They are only out for themselves. For them, we are merely a convenient, temporary, expendable distraction from the real business of seeking out other men for sex. Congrats on your new freedom from love-for-a-gay-man. You will find someone far more worth the agonies and the ecstasies of love, I am certain.
:S there’s so much people here ;X
ohh yeahh :/
ohh My God this situation is so bad for me
and for us;/
sorry but my english SUcks;X
and i get stuck with words
I’m a mexican girl ;X a young girl
i’m just 18 years and..
i was lookig for some topics about it ;/
i’m in love with my best friend :/
he’s gay :/ i had to say lies to him
just to see him happy
he knows about it ;X but
now i had to say him that i did get over this..
(False;/ ) he’s such a cutie with me
he don’t even get away from me (i’ll say again ;X sorry if you don’t understand ) ;X
he says that i’m just like his sister
and he loves me (i know) ;/
but not like i do..
i’m so sick of this
i have been in this situation for 2 years
i don’t know what to do and don’t know
how to forget him;S
when i want to get away from him
he don’t leave meS;
i just wanna show my inconditional love to him…
:S
everytime i get a chance to see you smile`:)~
i’m so stupid..