Greetings,
I have found myself in love with my gay friend. We have been friends for the past five years and about a year ago, I told him that I knew he was gay. He was devastated as he said he wanted to tell me on his own, as he had another agenda. You see, he too had fallen in love with me, but I did not know that. We spoke and I felt better after we did; however, he on the other hand was devastated
It is going to be two years since all this happened but lately I found myself falling for him. You see, he closed the door when I told him I knew and he just felt he had blew it. He said that he has been fighting a demon in him for years and when he realized how he felt towards me, he thought that was it. I loved him then but now I have fallen for him.
Everyone who knows us thinks we are a couple, as he is on the down low. We are complemented very well, we act like a married couple, he treats me like I’m his queen, he caters to my every needs and is there for me whenever. I believe he is my soul mate but now the shoe is on the other foot I don’t know what to do. We have discussed it but he keeps going in circles with the answers. I know he loves me a lot but he too is scared, as he has been hurt in the past.
He says he thinks it best not to ruin a great friendship, then he does the sweetest things. For instance, we recently stayed on the phone from 12:30 am to 5:30 am talking; when asked why did he stayed up so long with me as he is not a phone person, his response was because I love you and care for you. He even told his mom about I am the one he will grow old with but now that I am showing a little more interest in him, he is pushing me away. I am confused. Should I just let it takes it course and just enjoy what we have now. I am really confused, as I believe he is my soul mate.
Confused Lady
Dear Confused,
I can see why you are confused. He is not offering you any clarity but I will. This man is gay. He may very well love you and in fact, I am sure he does but he is still gay. And if you love him you will accept this completely.
And the worst thing you can possibly do to a gay man is expect him to be in a romantic relationship with a woman. I am sorry, but the idea is absolutely ludicrous. Just stop and think about it. Think about a gay man lying in bed with a woman night after night after night. Talk about a living hell. He wants a man, not a woman. But this does not mean he does not want a friend.
And it does not mean he does not suffer angst around his sexual preference, because obviously he does. And as his friend, you could be helping him with this. You could be telling him you love him the way he is and always will. You could be telling him that you want him to be happy and you know that only a man can ever give him what he needs. And you could be supporting him as he fumbles around out there, letting him know you will always pick up the phone if he needs you. You have a stellium in Cancer! Nurture him for chrissakes! Give him some of the unconditional mother love you have reams of.
And meanwhile, with your friend on the right track, you could go look for a non-gay man. One that isn’t homophobic, okay! Because you have a gay pal! And after this, life goes on, everyone evolves and with a little bit of luck, nature takes its course and you and your friend both wind up happy, satisfied and friends for life.
Good luck.
Hiya Amu, you aren’t stupid honey. Nobody here can help their feelings. Being in love doesn’t make you stupid. And I can understand you. All I can say to help is, you need to be strong and tell him to leave you alone. You need to get away from him. I have tried so hard with the friend who I was in love with. I have had to be mean and I know I have hurt him by telling him to stay away from me but it is for the best. I don’t think any of us are ever going to be with the men we love. So it’s better to leave them. These situations are hopless.
🙂 Thank you so much Rachel
yeah! you’re right…
“you need to be strong and tell him to leave you alone”
Trust me, i told him like 1000 times ;/
and he don’t want to do it :/
We’re at the same high School
i see him almost all the time;S
but we’re going to graduate
and we won’t see us anymore
because i’ll go to another city
and that’s sad but is necesary ;S
sometimes i think that
i don’t want to see him anymore
and sometimes i miss him;S
i’m so sick of this
i have been crying until to get dry
Ohh Jesus ! Thank you so much Rachel Again 🙂
i hope you’re fine : )
God Bless you : )
Trust me, I know what it’s like. I still have to see my friend because we work together. He’s always there and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t leave my job! I don’t expect him to either! There is a point where he will understand. You have to be cruel and try to ignore him if he approaches you. I know it’s difficult but walk away when he is near. If you explain why, he will understand. Be honest with him. He will be upset and you can try to comfort him. You don’t want him to hate you and I know it will hurt so much when he is hurting but he needs to stop breaking your heart. This is so sad but you will begin to feel better with time. I feel better when I am away from my friend but when I have to work with him, it is very hard seeing him and then saying goodbye. But with time, I will be okay because at least now I have given up hope that we can be together.
do you work with him???????
O____O that’s so complicated!! ;S
Oh my god, ;S how can you do that?
( this is really funny because i have a traslator page here xD i love english Class, really ;D)
wahhh! your situation is more dificult than mine.
Right now i’m a little depress, Yeah !
you know..8-) i’m eating a BIG hamburger and fry potatoes andajhaj ;X
wahh! ;S it hurts so much!
so, does he knows about it?? Right?
you know… that you’re in love with him
and all that..S; ohh how’s that? ;X
hey ;X nice to “talk” to you : )
you’re really cool : )
Thankyou, you’re cool as well. Hamburgers are good, anything helps!
I told him that I loved him. He said he liked me too but he was confused.
I thought he loved me as well because he told me I was beautiful out of every girl and he was so kind and smiled at me so sweetly and he even used my picture on his msn and phone wallpaper. When we met first, he always told me he liked women and men.
So I left him to have space and think because I also have a boyfriend and I did not want to hurt anybody.
But after that day, he kissed so many men and even slept with some in front of me and I was so upset because he told me he liked me. I can not understand why he would be intimate with men in my face.
He never asked me how I felt after the time I said I loved him. And from that day he did not say he liked women anymore.
This was many months ago and we pretended to be friends like I had said nothing.
I also know that he loved another man but he did not tell me. He told me I was much more important than that man because he cheated on my friend. But then I found songs he had written to that man about how much he loved him. And when I told my friend to remove my pictures he replaced me with that man.
I finally gathered the courage to speak to my friend about why he lied to me and told me he liked me. He said that he wanted to see if he could fall in love with a girl also to please his family. I was like an experiment to him.
Until that day, I could not ignore him and he would not leave me alone. But since that day I found out the truth, I have not spoken to him outside of work.
I hate him now. I tried to explain how much I loved him but nothing worked. He still tells me about men he meets when we are at work. He doesn’t care about how much he hurts me. This is now the hardest part.
I know he will never love me but I am so heartbroken that he does not care about me enough to respect my feelings. And he does not miss me because he has so many other friends. I thought I was special but he is not the man that everybody thinks he is. And I can not tell any of my friends about him because they would think I am so STUPID.
Omg !! your story is soo.. O_O i don’how to explain…How did he do that?;/
no Honey you’re NOT Stupid..!
He’s soo F*** idiot;X ( yeaah Right, i know bad words tooX; )
just to say that he wanted to experiment if he could fall in love with a girl..and he used you;S
That’s so bad ! is that a friend? ;/
I don’t think soo! ;X but i know..
Love is a b*tch;X it hurts so much! ;/
when you are in love ;/ anybody could be nothing to compare to him , it’s like if he was the Only one for you …;/ ( i hope you understand);X
my friend he’s such a cutie ;S
now he thinks that i’m not in love with him
anymore ;S i had to say lies ;S
now he’s in love with a man that he doesn’t even meet him O_O he’s so crazy for him ! that guy is from our school ;S but he doesn’t even Talk to him ;S .. it hurts because he tells me all his guys and another bad things…U_u and good things for him.. i don’t really how to fake this..
Do you have msn? ;X if you want to…
add me
[email protected]
just, if you want to chat with me : )^^
i’d love to! ^^ because i know ;X
i don’t speak english;X but
i want to learn ^^ at my school i think that i’m the only girl who loves english class ¬¬ x’DD
if you don’t want to, that’s ok : )
no problem ; )
we have to be strong : )
we can do it : )
bye and thanks at all : )
Yea I know, he isn’t a real friend but there is nothing I can do because of work. It is easier when I see him now though because he has made me so angry, when I look at him I don’t feel love much, I just want to shake him! It’s fine, my msn is [email protected]. X
thank you so much Reachel : )
and yeahhh ;/
he isn’t a real friend ;S
Omg!x_X
i am so happy to have stumbled over this blog. it gets kind of lonely when no one seems to understand what you’re going through.
my one-way-street love story with my gay guy started last year. 3months into the flirting and casual dating, i already heard well kept stories about him being gay but never believed and even continued to look for evidence that he wasn’t. how stupid of me.
he was treating me like we had this quasi-relationship that he couldnt pursue because he had a girlfriend. which really turned out to be a boyfriend. i just confirmed and confronted him about weeks ago. and i feel like my stupid mistake of confronting him officially elected me as his fag hag. he texts me in the middle of the night and shares about his sexcapades, his casual hook ups with other men. where before, i get giddy and excited getting sms from him, now i dread when his number comes up on my fon (whether he calls because he’s lonely, or he sends details over sms). sigh.
every chance he gets, he’d ask me to have sex with him (even when he was still presenting himself as straight). i always wondered why he kept on asking when he could just get the hell over and done with it, scheme his way, whatever. don’t freaking ask a kiss, just kiss me! but he was always a gentleman, taking me to new places, feeding me, treating me to coffee. i was so gullible, i craved the attention, and what seemed like a sincere and natural affection.
and now it all make sense, he was nice because he always wanted to experiment with me. but never got around to doing it because i might end up hating him once i find out he’s gay. now that he’s out, he has become more adamant we do it. in fact, he has already convinced me to do it with him. and i am just so scared. what if he likes it? will i become a mere fuck buddy? a booty call? can i handle it? i know i can never compete with his boyfriend for years who is out of town. add that to the fact that, he claims to be confident fooling around with me because there is no emotional attachment on his end. ouch.
and what if i like it and he doesnt. ouchouchouch. my poor ego. tramples as it already is. we work together and this whole time, i’ve been wearing my heart on my sleeve. it is no longer a question if i’ve fallen for him bec most ppl at work already think we’re a couple. ill be the laughing stock of this place when they find out. the poor smart, pretty, confident girl, fooled by a gay.
fuck this life!
nothing too different about my gay boy story.
like most everyone here, he makes me feel special, perfect, beautiful, smart, funny, etc.
He obviously adores me and loves me and i in turn adore and love him.
i have this lovely entourage, group, network…whatever of about 30 gay men who are just an absoloute blast to be with. i point this out because i did read somewhere here about how maybe all gay men are just as bad as hetero men, and right now i have to disagree. beyond this group of 30 men, there are even more that i am connected to and know, and out of all of these only one has made me feel different.
anyway, that’s really not the reason i decided to post. like i said my story is very similar to most everyone’s here. i’ve only known mine for about 3 months (max) and for the last month it has been very intense. yes, we hang out all the time. call, text, facebook all the time. share everything together. blah blah blah…
That’s all wonderful, and that’s not really what makes me confused, becuase i have that same thing with lots of my gay boys. What’s different here is that he has pulled me aside at parties, the club, where ever, to make out with me INSANELY!!! (and not always in public to make a show)
he has told me at least two different times that he is “confused”. and i remember one make out session when we were out somewhere, he said “if only i had you at home right now…” WTF?
now. obviously we don’t make out all the time, and even though i have spent the night in his bed with him, never has it gone beyond making out, but even in our day to day interactions he’s very cuddly, touchy, etc.
in a way the story sounds like the beginning of a wonderful little relationship. however, my boy does not believe someone can be bisexual. he is openly gay and i know this. i KNOW FOR SURE that i will NEVER EVER be able to change him, and i KNOW that he will never ever be straight.
the very sad thing for us is that we know we adore eachother and we know we are perfect for eachother…but he’s gay and i’m not a boy.
just tonite we were hanging out, but i had to leave as he was having a boy over. as i was driving away i sent him a text to tell him to have fun, and he sent me a sad face text.
my respose was “how can you be sad about this?” and he told me that he was worried i was sad. obviously my cute little respose back was “i’m always sad when i have to leave you”
his response…
“damn it…sometimes you make me wanna be striaght”
all the talk and wonderful friendship is great, and i understand why so many of us fall for this. but what really is upsetting to me is the way i have been led on physically as well.
has this happened to any of you?
have you and your gay man shared explosive, undeniable, physical chemistry like i have with mine?
“i KNOW FOR SURE that i will NEVER EVER be able to change him, and i KNOW that he will never ever be straight.”
You’re so right queen diva! ;/
i’ts never gonna change!
we were NOT made for them!
we’re GIRLS!
i wasn’t born for him!
i’m a girl!
he’s in love with someone else
OMGX______X I feel so STUPID when i’m with him!
how can i take it?
How Can i Fake it? ;/
he’s my besfriend ! ;/
i just wanna se him happy! : )
“damn it…sometimes you make me wanna be striaght”
;S When a i saw that!
i was like… X__X”
don’t know how to explain;S
JesusX_X ! That’s Hard!
God bless you guys!
To inluvwithagayguy-Ur story has made me so angry. I am trying2 forget the f****r that I loved but I keep getting notices2 my inbox when some1 writes here & its so infuriating. Seriously, the word faghag is so insulting, I don’t even want2 start. My exgbf used that on other girls but if he ever tried it with me I would hurt him. I hope he hasn’t labelled u that. I could go over all of the things u’ve said but none of us understands these SELFISH excuses4 men. DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM. He said he has no emotional attachment2 u. U love him…it’s a disaster waiting2 happen. U will know what it’s like2 be with him. But he will still screw u over. I have decided with other men I’ve loved, to get physical. It’s so much worse when they STILL reject u but u remember what their lips & god knows what else, tastes like. Bury the dreams of him. If he ever wanted2 u enough he will seek u out.
2 Queen Diva, ur story is so frustrating. If he actually wants2 be straight2 be with u, why doesn’t he just give u a chance? I have no idea what is wrong with these guys.
2 answer ur question, there was/is chemistry with my ex gbf, if u read back its all in detail but2 cut it short, he actually came out & said he liked me but he was “confused,” just like ur guy. Ive neva kissed him-he has neva kissed me but I have a partner so that wudnt be right in any case.
I was reading about emotional affairs. I answered yes2 every question it asked me2 see if I was having one.
So I’ve been a cheater. And been rejected. And betrayed my partner. And can’t tell any1 how I feel cos I was never meant2 have these feelings in the first place.
I can’t tell my ex gbf this…I’ve tried2 write2 him-talk2 him but I WENT EASY ON HIM. Cos thought, there was still hope. Even being on this forum, I thought there was hope because maybe my guy was SPECIAL but I c how ALL of these guys seem this way2 each of us but NOTHING has worked out4 any1…
I want2 tell this guy how much he has hurt me. I have always been calm, composed 4 him. I have neva let him see me cry. I am tellin u now, he is gettin me in my full glory. Fuck him.
Amen. These stories are getting sadder and sadder, and they make me angrier and angrier. Nothing, nothing, nothing has worked out for anyone here, as Rachel says. The hard lesson is: Gay men are bad news for us. They use us for their light entertainment. They may just be incapable of the kind and depth of love that we offer them. We women are way too generous with our love. These gays neither want it nor deserve it. I’ve finally rid myself of my sorely misguided love-for-a-gay-man and swear it will never happen again, as long as I have my wits about me.
FUCK!!;@@
being with him
is the best feeling ever;/
If you like being with him then it might be worth trying to stay friends.
I know I can not be happy just being friends with the guy I was in love with because when he would talk about other men it would hurt so much because he told me he liked me then changed his mind. I felt so rejected, everytime I left him I would cry all night. I can not suffer like that all the time.
I had to see him yesterday but things are much better now. He has a proper boyfriend at last who seems to be everything he wants. I told him not to tell me about their relationship. It is much easier for me not to hear the details.
I am trying not to hate him now because I can never change who he is. I am trying to be happy for him and forgive him. I am praying because nothing else is helping.
Rachel, i know what is like ;/
yeah it is SO HARD being frieds, specially
when he does things that it makes you feel
so Awesome ;/ …
& you have to be strong when he talks about his BOYfriends!
i can understand when you say that you can’t be happy just being friends…!
when he hugs you
( your mind says: STOP, don’t get exciting HE’S HOMO !)
when he holds your hand (your mind talks: Accept! He’s gay He’s GAY! he’s a F*ckin Gay)
when he kiss you ( F*ck! %$/ he’s still gay!)
Nothing’s gonna change! : )
you’re so awesome cuz´ you’re trying to be happy for him: ) that’s real Love!
i’d love to see you Online at MSN xDD!
But it’s so dificult !
you’re from England, right?!
& i’m from Mexico! X___X
hahaha : )
i hope you fine Guys : )
Hugs and kisses;*
She needs to break up with him. She CAN’T continue as “just a friend”. Because for her, as for many other women, emotional intimacy is inseperably connected with physical intimacy. Stimulating one invariably triggers the other. Since he can’t give her physical intimacy, she will continue to suffer. He won’t suffer at all, because all he wants is a warm fuzzy friendship and he’s getting that. But she will long for him and be rejected over and over until she finally gets fed up with it and breaks it off.
Gay men don’t realize what they do to straight women when they seek emotional intimacy with us. Either they don’t realize the damage they cause, or they don’t care, because they are getting their own needs satisfied. But they are hurting us in the process. That’s why I won’t have any more gay male friends – not because I’m a homophobe, but because I can’t spare that much emotional energy for a relationship that will never completely satisfy me.
Gay men need to find friends of their own gender and orientation.
I couldn’t agree more.
Well ladies. I have had further developments in my tale of woe. Basically, after ignoring him as much as possible for two months, I finally cracked and told our mutual friends what had happened. They insisted it was his fault when I explained everything,
though were in disbelief for a while at first.
“BUT HE’S GAY-HOW COULD HE SAY HE LIKED YOU? MAYBE YOU GOT CONFUSED AND HE DIDN’T MEAN IT…” I had to JUSTIFY myself, do you know how painful it is when people don’t believe you imagined everything?
My friends told me to write him a letter so I could make him understand how much he hurt me because they didn’t think he realised. I couldn’t believe he was so STUPID but he really was.
Before he read the letter, my friend forced me to listen as she called him. I heard him talk about me on speaker…I wanted to scream.
He never spoke to me rudely. But he was so disrespectful about me. I could not believe it was the same sweet person.
He said I was old enough to know better.
How could I love him and my partner?
How could I have told him I loved him when he had broken up with his boyfriend? I was wrong.
I think age has nothing to do with love. I loved him because he was so like me-my partner is not. I told him I loved him when he broke up with someone but I didn’t know he loved him because HE NEVER TOLD ME because he NEVER WAS HONEST WITH ME.
He was confused at the time. He said he told me that.
HE NEVER TOLD ME WHEN HE KNEW HE WASN’T BI ANYMORE.
Then, I thought it was funny. His MALE-PRIDE was hurt because I once, AS A JOKE, said I liked many other men and he wasn’t the only one.
HE THEN SAID THAT MEANT I DIDN’T LOVE HIM.
THAT I WAS VAIN.
I told him I tell myself I’m beautiful because HE MADE ME FEEL SO UGLY.
He said I was DRUNK when I told him I loved him.
THAT’S A LIE.
He said he didn’t know what I wanted to achieve.
HE DID KNOW. HE SAID HE WOULD SPLIT MY PARTNER AND I UP IF IT WAS RIGHT.
He said…then:
“She’s beautiful…but I mean, I’m gay.”
He told me he was bi.
He treated me so nicely because I was NICE TO LOOK AT.
WOMEN, LISTEN UP-HE LOOKS AT YOU LIKE YOU ARE THE ONLY WOMAN IN THE ROOM BECAUSE HE THINKS YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL.
YOU’RE AN OBJECT.
I love him no longer. I am free. And even after he read my letter, where I poured my heart out-
he said he was unaware of how much he hurt me
AND STILL
EVEN AFTER EVERYTHING
SAYS HE HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG.
I do not love him, anymore.
I can believe I am reading these stories, are we all talking about the same man??? all these stories are so like my own it just makes me wonder. What is it about gay men? All three guys I got serious with in High School came out of the closet after school, because of this it has caused me to question my own sexuality, because I am attracted to feminine guys, but the more i think about it I could never see myself with a woman. I just broke up with my fiancee of 6 years, because my gay friend came back into my life after a three year loss, all my feelings came flooding back the instant I saw him, and i felt I cant give myself totally to my fiancee as long as i am in love with my best friend, who is a gay man, one of the same gay men I dated in High School. so I broke off my relationship with my fiancee because of it, now it has just left me confused. I have confessed my feeling to my gay friend, I beleive he feels the same way, but like ya’ll all said it would not work out because he wants a man physically, not a woman. how will I ever be able to find another man as long as I have him in my life? but I couldn’t live without him in my life, I have done it before and it always felt like something was missing. I love this man so much!I find myself waiting everday for his phone calls, driving me crazy everday for him to tell me he is comeing in so I can see him. Only for him to break my heart again when he leaves. to complicate things even worse, we are planning on moveing in together because he wants to leave his boyfriend of 2 years. am I getting myself in deeper? or should I go on with the move?
PLEASE HELP!!
I love him!
Dear Pathequete and Onemoredreamer,
Please keep me in your loop of communication. Gosh, my case is so much similar to yours’. Facebook is one major avenue to findout the mood. See how they comment on your status and photos, what kind of words they use etc. I am friend with him on the facebook, and I am getting to know a lot how he feels about me. Now we have moved to the stage of inviting each other to our homes – but nothing major yet – not a signle kiss. But sure some hugs and patting during the hug.
Reading the posts on this website…I guess it’s comforting to know that there are others who are in the same boat, but at the same time, it is so heartbreaking.
My gay BF is somewhat in the closet – mainly because of his job, which is how we met. The problem is, he pretended to be straight with me for almost a year. I’m not sure if it was his way of keeping it a secret or what.
He only told me that he was gay a little over a month ago. Kind of too little, too late. At this point, I’m in love with him. And he knows that. And he never said anything.
I can understand why he would want to keep his sexuality a secret, but he could have come up with some other way to keep me from falling in love with him – to protect me. He could have said that he had a girlfriend. He could have said that he wasn’t attracted to me and just wanted to be friends. But he never said that. And we had many conversations about our relationship. And it came back to be through our work community that he would tell people about things we did together, and they would ask if we were dating. And he would tell them “I don’t know” or “ask her.”
Why play the coy game if he doesn’t want people to think that we’re dating.
And I’m in such a horrible position now because most of my friends are people in our work community, who consider us to be a couple, and I promised that I would not tell them that he’s gay. Now I have to pretend that everything’s fine between us. Because there’s no way that anyone would believe that it just didn’t work out. Not a day has gone by this past month that I haven’t gotten emotional about this at some point. Usually when I’m asking questions of my friends, looking for signs about him that I missed, and they repond with how much he obviously cares about me and how perfect we are together. KNIFE THROUGH THE HEART!
And the weird thing is, now that I forced him to tell me this, it’s like he wants us to be even closer. Spend even more time together. I mean, he invited me to spend Christmas with his family. And because I like to torture myself, I went. And I really like his family. (He’s somewhat closeted with them and they were so happy to see me – more than my own family sometimes – that I think they are hoping that he’s giving women a try.) It felt nice. I felt like I belonged there. I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him. Which is absurd.
I hate myself right now. I’m such an idiot for ignoring the signs. And I’m so angry with him for leading me down this path. And for putting me in this position where I have no one that I can talk to about my broken heart. Except him. The guy who broke my heart.
Part of me wanted to tell him to stay away from me. That we couldn’t be friends anymore. But he’s my best friend, any romantic feelings aside. We were both crying when he told me and I’m too weak to kick him out of my life. And I don’t want to hurt him.
I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do now. But it helps to know that I’m not the only one out there.
I want to believe that there is something worth preserving in these latest relationships revealed here. I really do. I hope that gay men are not all closeted misogynists, and that they are not so cruel as to lead us cavalierly down the garden path, only to be “shocked, shocked”–and horrified!–when we reveal the inevitable, that we have fallen in love with them. Part of me wants to say, hold on to these precious relationships for what they are, even without the physical component–maybe they are more valuable in the long run than those that we have with hetero men, who can be as bad or worse. I don’t want to be harsh. But I keep seeing the same patterns, the same build-up to the same heart-breaking let-down and frustration: What do I do now, everyone seems to be asking. I sure as h— don’t have answers, only that my own experience has been so overwhelmingly negative that I can no longer believe what I once had faith in, that these types of relationships can be sustained, except on their terms, which is NOT FAIR. Any relationship needs to be sustained on both parties’ terms, not just one. Personally, after my experience, I would run so far and so fast from these men that you wouldn’t see me for the dust! Immediately! But I’m trying not to be too judgmental, just because I am no longer in love with my gay. It is extremely hard to come to terms with the reality of these mismatches, how well I know. There are so many of us out there who have been through this and suffered tremendously all the way through–it’s just a matter of trading one suffering (frustration) for another (loss). For me, it was a fair trade–I feel much, much better without any relationship with my gay than I did when extreme frustration was a way of life, day and night. However, maybe, just maybe, one or more of the above GBFs will turn out to be true and honest and decent–and capable of the same deep level of love that all of the women who have written here are capable of. I hope so.
In all honesty, though, I doubt it.
I came back to read the new replies to this thread. It amazes me too how we all seem to have the same story.
I also don’t want to think that gay men are evil just because they’re gay. But perhaps they treat us this way precisely because they feel so safe with us, because they’ll never fall in love with us the way we do with them – DESPITE the infatuated way they act around us. They can play with us like we are toys, because they will never be in our shoes. Empathy begins when we experience the same thing as another person, but it seems that this will never happen for them. They’ll never feel the same way towards us as we do for them. That’s why they are safe – but we are not.
It’s like emotional quicksand. I also think about my gay ex-friend and miss him. But I don’t miss the heartache he caused me. I don’t know if I could ever be his friend again. I would always be on my guard, and that’s not how I want to be when I’m with a friend.
Maybe if more of us realized what is really happening in these little almost-love-affairs we call friendships, and kicked these guys to the curb, no matter how hard it is or how mean we feel doing it…maybe they would get a clue. They are using us. Hurting us. We deserve better.
My heart goes out to everyone who posted here.
I came back as well and have been reading from all that have posted.
I am glad I found this sight first before I got too emotionally involved (which I think I was on my way). The stories I have read are just heartbreaking.
Your advice has helped me and I thank all of you.
Here’s an update on my situation (I originally posted in October).
We have become very good friends and he has become friends with my husband & family as well.
He joined us for all the holidays with my family and fits right in with them.
Any feelings I have had for him have turned only into friendship and I’m glad for that. I put my guard up after reading the stories here and I’m glad I did.
We still talk everyday and IM each other all the time. But I know now that we are only friends and I’ll be there for him as he will be for me.
We still do a lot together and I always ask my husband if he want’s to join us (his answer is no). My husband is glad I found a friend to do things with that he don’t have to, lol!!! My husband actually said the other night “he won’t get mad if I don’t come” and I said “absolutely not”.
Things will change down the road when my friend finds a partner (he’s currently single) and I know that. But right now, I’m having fun and when that time comes I’ll look back and say “Thanks”.
I know my situation is different from most of you because I am married and I feel for each one of you and I’m sorry that your friend has caused you heartbreak. I wish the best for each and every one of you.
In response to Cristina, I feel for you because what you have described is so much like what I felt like. You said you like punishing yourself in a way-that you feel like his family wants him to be with you. Reading that brings back the heart ache. You need some space, what else can you do?
I know you don’t want to-I can’t forget what you said-“I don’t want to hurt him.” I didn’t want to hurt the guy I loved either, for so long. I never thought I would stop loving him. But I heard what he really thought of me and my dreams shattered. Somehow, you have to shatter the dreams you have of him or you’ll be in this situation forever.
Hi everyone!
I’m so glad i found this!!!!
Here’s my story.
I have a gay friend whom i tottaly love and we are really best friends!Recently he introduce me to his gay friends,i spent some time with them,and although most of them are really beautiful i didn’t felt anything special about them because i knew they were all gay.
One night I had dinner with them and we went out afterwards to a gay club. We were all dancing,having the best time,and i am a little teaser when a dance(guilty!),but i thought that there was no problem since they were all gay!I don’t know how it really happened,but i started dancing with my bestfriend’s bestfriend(confusing…I know,he is the bestfriend of my long time friend)and then,we kissed.And i regret it right away and told him to not come near me again but he came,and we were together all night.
I was very worried about being rejected by my new friends,but that didn’t happen, and even my long time friend was ok with what happened,although we never really talked about it.
I’m certain that the guy i was with is totally gay,but still,I feel very atracted to him and I know I felt something special.A few days later he asked me if i enjoyed the night…
I have so much in common with him!He is like a male version of me!We like the same music,the same tv shows,etc,etc.
And strangely,we study at the same university.And I have to see him everyday!He looks kind of nervous when we talk and I only say stupid things!
I haven’t been in love for a long time because most of the guys i meet are too easy and after sometime i get bored!
Now i have a big problem,I was invited to his birthday party(next week) by my long time friend.I don’t know if i should go or not(my gay crush already told me that i’m always welcome!).I really like being amongst gays,but i never thought about having feelings beyond friendship by one of them…
I am so confused,can you help me?
Hi Isa, I would day you should go. I know it’s hard but try to speak to the guy you kissed to understand if he is really gay. He could be bi?
If he is gay though then I would say don’t take your friendship any further because if you fall in love with him, you’re going to end up broken, like the women on this site, myself included!
you never know, there could be a chance but like I said speak to him…with the guy I loved, he was also like the male version of myself. We even look similar, same eyes, same hair. Don’t let those facts make you fall in love because if you can never have him, your heart will break like something I can’t describe because you will know you’re perfect for eachother…
Thank you Rachel!
I’m going,and I’ll have a wonderful time because I really like being with them.
About the guy..Well if it’s not a big deal for him,there’s only two options or it’s usual for him being with girls or it didn’t meant anything.Either way,I better ignore it and try to be friends with him because we share a mutual and dear friend,whom I cannot afford to lose.
From now on,I will only take chances with straight men!
First of all, let me just say that I’m so grateful I found this web site and I now know there are other people out there who have gone through what I’m going through right now.
Here’s my story, it breaks my heart to just tell it but I hope this will be of consolation to those who are struggling with the same problems as I am and maybe it will also serve as a warning to all those women entangled in weird relationships with possibly gay men.
I met my gay friend while we were both exchange students in France a little over a year ago. I am from Northern Europe whereas he is American. We hit it off instantly, he was the most amazing person I had ever met and we seemed to connect in a way I’ve never connected with anyone before. We spent five amazing months together and I was convinced he was falling for me but was just too shy to do anything (at this point I had no idea he was gay and neither had anyone else). About a month before we had to return to our home countries, I told him about my feelings (I was already in love with him) and he said it would not be realistic to start something with so little time left but I also remember him specifically saying that had the situation been different, something could have happened. So we continued being friends but the funny thing was that we became even closer after I had confessed my feelings for him (and I was of course confused as you can imagine).
Then we both had to leave France and saying goodbye to my friend was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. I felt like I had found the man I had been looking for my entire life and it was just a cruel twist of fate that we didn’t live in the same country… However, we continued talking on Skype on a regular basis — actually we started talking MORE now that we didn’t live in the same place and I felt like the connection was getting only stronger and stronger. So I confronted him in the summer about our relationship, about a month after I had gone back home and his reply was very vague, he said the timing was bad etc. But then he did something extremely unexpected: he invited me to spend Christmas and New Year’s in the States with his family (we had been talking about me doing a trip to the States all along but Christmas was definitely unexpected!). I was of course ecstatic and said yes immediately and we started planning the trip already in the summer and all through the fall. We were in contact several times a week the entire time till Christmas through Skype and emails but we didn’t talk about what was actually going on – I felt like my friend wanted to have that conversation face to face and I didn’t want to corner him on the Internet…
So I packed my bags and flew to the States to spend Christmas away from my family for the first time in my life (the craziest thing I’ve ever done but I felt like I knew my friend so well by then that I would be fine as long as I would be with him…). I had planned to spend three weeks in the States and during the first week we had a lot of fun (it was like old times in France) but I couldn’t bring myself to start up a conversation and my friend clearly avoided the topic. I know other people were confused, my friend’s friends came up to me and asked me directly whether we were dating or not and I couldn’t give them a straight answer either. My friend and I, we had not crossed the line from friendship to something more but he was very attentive to my feelings and treated me like a queen and I found myself falling for him more and more deeply…
After having spent a week with him, I just couldn’t take it anymore and I told him how much I cared for him and how I would like to know how he feels about me. And what he had to say caught me totally off guard — he told me he was gay and that I was the first person he had ever told it to. It was the most terrible moment in my life so far, I had loved this man for a year, questioning my own feelings and his feelings so many times and still I was convinced he just didn’t want a long-distance relationship but this was something I had not seen coming…
The rest of the trip went surprisingly well under the circumstances – the first five days after my friend’s confession were the worst because he was not ready to talk about it and he told me not to tell anyone. So I kept the sorrow of losing the man I had loved so deeply inside of me and at the same time I had to watch by while my friend clearly suffered and pretended like nothing had happened. But then my friend couldn’t take it anymore either and he decided to come out to his friends. I was of course relieved that I could now talk about the whole thing with other people and also with my friend. He started opening up to me: he told me he wouldn’t have wanted anything more than to be able to feel the same way I felt about him and he was so sorry he had disappointed me (he had known the entire time how much I loved him) and couldn’t tell me sooner. He said he was just not ready and of course I felt honored to be the first person in the whole world he told first — not even his best friends knew before me. But it didn’t take away my sorrow, the fact that I lost him and all the dreams I had. But our friendship definitely got stronger.
I am back from the States now and it seems so hard to move on with my life. I loved my friend for a year and we talked almost every day — now he wants to give me time to get over him and stays away from Skype. Before I left, I wrote him a letter telling him that I will always love him for who he is and that all I want is for him to happy, even though I now know I won’t be the one to make him happy… It breaks my heart to see how hard it is for him to accept him for who he is and I’m afraid that now that I’m not there, he won’t talk to anyone but keeps it all inside. On the other hand, he tried to push me away too after he told me he was gay and that hurt really bad but I also understand that I can’t help him. Somehow I have to let him go but how do you let go of someone who knows you better than anyone and who loves you for who you are but who will never want you THAT way? I know my friend loves me (he also told me this when we had to say goodbye for the second time) but he is gay and I know nothing will ever happen between us. I just find myself feeling so sad for all that happened…
And how can I support my friend without being too pushy and without making him feel like I’m harassing him? I know I make him anxious because my feelings run deeper than his but I don’t want to lose him as a friend over this. We will be connected forever because I will always be the person he first came out to and that shows he trusts me more than anyone.
I appreciate all advice you have to give, I’ve never been in a situation like this. Thank you for reading my story.
Hanna, I think you are trying to do the impossible. You’re trying to hold back your feelings and just be friends…but that is a whole lot harder than it seems. They DON’T understand what we feel. They DON’T understand how loving them in this hopeless, one-sided way drains our energy and makes us sad. You want to hold on to everything and yet be happy, too. But you may have to let this relationship go if you don’t want to go on being sad.
Loving and not being loved back always hurts. No matter how wonderful and special the relationship is. Ask yourself if the pain is worth it.
I don’t want to sound heartless, but gays can find their own support. They have support groups and the company of other gay people. He will survive.
My gay friend has let slip the possibility that he might be bi, because he fantasizes about women sometimes, even though for the most part his fantasies are about men.
It’s harder to come to grips with the impossibility of something when there’s that tiny little hope that however small the chance, you could be one of the women he’s honestly attracted to.
He doesn’t know I love him, or at least I haven’t told him directly. Sometimes I think he does, because he’s the only person I’ll flirt with or have lots of physical contact (snuggling, wrestling, walking arm in arm or with his arm around my waist, etc.).
I don’t wish for him to be straight. I just want for him to be bi. Even if I’d be competing with all the beautiful men he adores, I would like to at least have that small chance.
I have trouble relating to people. I don’t get many chances to fall in love like this, or to develop this kind of deep, trusting relationship.
Hi
I didnt read all the post but totally relate to lots of them and the conclusion I have come to is they are all a bunch of Bastards!
Lets face it ladies we are all in the same boat and we all know deep down they are all totall wankers, especailly those who play with your feelings – I love u but im not in love with u??? WTF! What we have is specail we are soul mates – no we aint soulmates, my soulmate is going to be my husband and unless you are gonna put a ring on my finger then forget it!
THEY WANNA HAVE THEIR CAKE AND EAT IT, THEY WANT U AS THERE WIFE FOR THERE EMOTIONAL RELATIONSHIP AND A MAN FOR SEX – WELL FORGET IT THEY CAN GET BOTH FROM U OR NOTHING!!!
Thats why all these gay men have female best friends u know, if ur best friends are gay then u will know that a lot of gay men are whores to put it bluntly, they have lots of one night stands or “relationships” which last about 5mins, we are there constant, we are their relationship minus the sex.
Im so fed up with my situation I think Im just there to pick up the pieces, for when the going gets tough, but when things are going good and there is someone more intersting or God forbid a man on the seen, its bye bye untill Im next needed.
But if im talking to a guy, or I’ve got someone interested in me then he is back all over me like a bloody rash!! What is that all about?? Either u want me or u dont, u cant have it both ways.
Dont get me wrong I do love my best friend v.much, but I’ve grown to hate him too, because I hate they way he has made me feel about him. I bitch and moan about how I hate this, then he walks in the room and its like it all melts away, or he will do something so sweet and lovely and I’ll feel really guilty for moaning about him.
For everyone who is saying how do you stay friends the answer is U CANT!! I think the only solution is to stop talking to them all together and never see them again. If u are in the same situation as me, u cant think about being with anyone else, ur not really dating or anything because no one can compare to them. How can a guy in a bar with a cheesy pick up line compare to man u have been in love with for a year? and what is he offering u that ur not already getting from your best friend? SEX? thats all. I have been trying to leave for ages but I cant bring myself to do it because the last year of my life has basically revolved around him.
I know Im a totally selfish bitch for not just being happy for our friendship, but Im not, I want more and he can never give it to me, and because Im in love with him I dont look at other men, so have no chance of being in a loving relationship.
There is a lot more to my story but its quite complicated and most people wont wanna read it.
But my advice to u all is to get out as early as possible, the longer it carries on the more it will hurt.If u cant accept ur situaltion, then get out and dont look back!
Wow I can not begin to tell you how truely relieving it is to find this site because now I can finally know that I am not alone and have people that understand.I have searched desperately for something like this to the point that it would make me crazy.I’ve read some of the stories and I just have to say that I completely understand the pain and can relate in so many ways. I’m 17.You may think jeez you are too young for this but If what I feel for who I’m about to talk about isn’t love then I will never know what love is.I would tell you everything and how it all started but it would be way too long and hard to explain in detail.I’ve known him for 6 years though and we went out before for six months in 9th grade.he told me he was gay when we were sophmores in february.I was the third to find out even though I was his best friend.The reason being he was afraid it would hurt me because he knew how much I had loved him.truth is it did…so much.he told me in an email even though i was on the phone with him(i don’t know). I was speechless when I read it.I couldn’t even find words to say.It was like someone ripped my heart out of me.My whole world shattered.Everything I had dreamt about him. I stayed strong for the moment though and replied back to him that I accept for who he is and want him to be happy and that I love him no matter what and will always be here for him(and I truely will).I didn’t want him to know how hurt I was too though because he said he didn’t want to hurt me.After that though I had to get off the phone because I couldn’t hold it in much longer and my throat had a huge lump in it. I had never cried so hard in my life.there are still some times that I do 2 years later(like right now) but that night was the worst of it. I felt so alone and I thought it was so unfair.to this day I will sometimes ask myself, why? Why is the person I fell in love with gay? why does everyone get who they want to be with accept me??I was even crazy enough to think in my mind maybe he wasn’t maybe he wasn’t truely sure and will someday love me the way I love him. It drove me crazy! don’t get me wrong though he is still my best friend to this day and I talk to him every single night and we always hang out together.I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR HIM…but oh you might be wondering why I’m in love with him.I love him because he makes me feel so special.there is just no one that can compare to him.I’m a very shy person and when I’m with him, he brings me to life. when I’m around him I’ll sing, dance, be obnoxious, do stupid things,practically anything and not care at all.he is the only person I do that with because he makes me feel that comfortable.I love the sound of his voice because it makes me feel better when I hear it.I love that when I’m mad he can always find a way to make me smile.I love his hugs because they make me feel protected,like sometimes I just want to stay in his arms like that forever. I love his touch because it because it sends chills right through me makes my heart pound…..I’ve dreamt about marrying him someday and having a family together before even though I know it will never happen(and it truely kills me) It might sound cheesy but that is really how I feel.In my heart I wish he loved me the way I love him. I’d want to tell him these things but I don’t want our friendship to get awkward for him.I cherish our friendship so much because it is the closest love I will ever get from him.Everyone tells me I need to move on and get over it. they don’t understand how I can still love a person that has already told me is gay. they think it is so easy to just get over it and it makes me so angry because they are not in my situation and they don’t feel my feelings and pain for him.I know I still have much to experience in life and I will probably find and marry someone in the future but no matter what, I will always and forever love him most of all.When I walk down that isle someday I know in my heart that I will see his face in my mind no matter how much I will try not to.
If you read all of this thank you so much for your time.I’m sorry if it sounds confusing because I have had the hardest time trying to summarize and word it in ways to make it understandable.all of this happened in a period of 4 years so there is so much that I could say that I could probably write a book but this is the best way I can summarize it.Thank you for reading again 🙂
I just don’t understand gay men.They say how much they love you,they hold your hand,hug you, treat you like you are the world,practically like hes your boyfriend, but they don’t love you like that.And another thing I don’t get is the relationship they have with eachother it just isn’t love to me.My friend has met boys before and says he loves him within a week. You hardly know him. I don’t see any love or care with gay men.Now my best friend today told me he was with boy last night and saying how big he is and stuff. I’m his best friend and of course I want him to be happy but I just don’t want to hear about his realtionships.it’s like taking a stab in the heart really.and I truely can’t handle it inside and it’s so frustrating. Gay men see eachother pretty much just for sex. I could see him as so much more than that. I think know him more than any man will that he meets in his life. But yea guess there is just nothing to do about it. It is the worst and most hopeless situation to be in. I wish he had never put me through it 🙁
Hi all. Well what a relief for me to find this site. That said, so sad to read that we find ourselves in this very difficult situation. I met my gay friend at college (I’m 48 years old, he’s 45). Knew he was gay right from the start. I shan’t go into all the details of how I fell in love with him – its the usual story. Today I’ve felt such tremendous pain. Thought I’d gotten over him before the weekend. Helped him through a crisis as have done so many times only to find this is the first day that I am without him in absolutely weeks as he has found a boyfriend. No morning call, no morning text, no reply to mine. So, when I called him, he proudly announced he found himself a man and that he is LOVELY and in bed with him now. So, I’m sitting here on my own. I feel so stupid for getting myself into this situation. So lost and so bereft. I’ve tried closing down, staying safe, not allowing eye contact, being firm, etc. But I guess was all pretend. I have asked myself tho, do I just feel bad in this present situation – like yesterday we were going to spend today together, now he has a boyfriend I’m out of the picture. My best friend (a girl) has also done this to me (have know her for over 20 years) and it always hurts. Always feels like a snub. I guess people always go for what they want the most with no regard to other people’s feelings.
I have been through a roller coaster ride with this man ever since he first took me back to his home. Thank God I never took him up on his offer to move in with him. Thank God I always trusted my instincts. Thank God I never spent time with him around other gay men other than those he’s definately not in a relationship with – value myself too much to get hurt in that way.
He’s all the lovely things you all speak about and he can be really nasty as well, but in a hidden sort of way so you don’t know if you’re just imagining it. I have been really tough with him lately, let him know what he can and can’t get away with and really worked hard to maintain my sense of self and dignity when in his company.
Problem now is, we’re both at college together. Would so love to break this relationship off – its so harmful. Can’t bear the thought of having no connection with him after college. I pray that I will get strong. This guy says he wants to build a life with me to the point where I think “why doesn’t he just propose coz it all has seemed like marriage and business etc all rolled into one anyway”.
But what am I supposed to do when he blows cold, when he’s got a male friend, when he’s desperate to go out and flirt or have sex.
The whole thing is dishonouring . . . and I want out. Trouble is, I can’t bear to see or here that he’s in pain. So, will continue to try and get harder to be immune to him in this respect.
I am a kind, thoughtful and loving person . . . I deserve better than this. Feel very, very used. Have felt used pretty much all along. I’ve learned alot – fast. Didn’t know anything about all this a few weeks ago. Just feel like running away from it all – somewhere where he’ll never find me.
I’m really glad I found this website.
Iwanna share mystory, it’s really complicated.
I met my gay best friend two years ago at college. I found out he was gay a couple of weeks after I met him. We became best friends because he was the one helping me out with a guy that really liked me. We took one course together and talked during the weekends on msn. Then during summer I tried to set him up with some of the bi guys I knew as a thank u for helping me with my crush. Then my crush became really jealuos of my gay best friend and we broke up. He told me I was going to wind up with my gay best friend as my boyfriend. My best friend used to called him my gay boyfriend right from the beggining of the friendship.
During the next semester I had lunch a few times with my “gay boyfriend”then he became ill and was hospitalized for two months. Those were really sad months, I had no idea where he was I thought he was really busy working or something. There were a thousand rumors about his condition: some said he was dying from leukimia. I didn’t have his phone number çause we spoke on msn so I search and found it. I called him and we talked all day long. He came back to college and did not look good at all, he told me a few things that were hints to understand why he was hospitalized. We are both in nursing school so I suspected what he was suffereing. For the next semester we took all the courses together and one day during Xmas I told that if we spent so much time together people will think we were a couple. He tought I was joking because he is obviously gay.
A month after the beggining of the semester everyone was talking about us. That we were a cover, that he was hiding something, that he was fooling me. And mostly that we were a couple. At first we were angry and decided to play along. WEe walked holding hands, but while we did that to fool around we started having feelings for each other.
My grandma was diagnosed with cancer and he helped me cope with the situacion. He was there when I needed him, he treated me like a princess. We had so many confessions, things we haven’t told anyone were “normal” to each other. He was my confident, my counselor, my friend, my stylist, my nurse, my schoolmate and soon became my boyfriend. We don’t understand how, he liked men and NEVER liked any woman. It was a beutiful love story, people realized we were in love but still they were really mean to us.
A year later I found out that they admired us. I accepted him just the way he was and they were amazed that I knew about his condition all along. He told me about it when we started dating. He was HIV + at the time we were a couple, now he has AIDS. He protected me and I took care of him. That didn’t stop us from becoming a couple, we went to therapy together. We both wanted me to stay negative so we didn’t have intercourse but we had intimacy. Because we loved it each other we wanted to have sex but it was impossible. Our relationship lasted six months and he is by far the best boyfriend I’ll ever have. He is my soulmate and my true love.
We broke up for 3 reasons: my mother is homophobic, I was becoming really jealous of everyone and he was trying the best he could to be straight for me but he was born gay. He was 28 years old at the time and I was 21.
We worked hard to go back to the relationship we had before, back to “just friends” but we were never back to that point. Not to simple friends, we are best friends and the passionate love we had for one another was transformed. I sometimes feel like he is my older brother. Sometimes I miss him as a boyfriend, we both know it’s not going to happen again. He has asked me to have his children, I wish I could. I asked him to marry me if he became really ill again, I want to be in charge of his care. I know someday he’ll have a boyfriend or I’ll have one, for now we want to stay single so we can stay out of trouble. He’s the Standford to my Carrie and he really makes me happy. I love him and I would do anything for him. I know he loves me too. We had some sort of twisted love story. We played with fire and somehow managed to came out of it safe. We are truly blessed.
So girls, I’ve been there, done that. It’s totally normal to fall in love with your gay best friend. Hetero men are stupid and they have no idea about us. Gay guys are fabulous. But you have to be careful, stay true to your feelings and talk with you homo. They’ll listen to you and hopefully they’ll tell you the truth about what they think about your feelings. You have to understand it will not be easy for them, they are used to men and they don’t know how to react. Take it easy, you don’t wanna lose such an incredible friendship. And if you do have sex with the (which will not be easy because you have tits and a lot of other things they are afraid of) PLEASE use a CONDOM, even if you are drunk and it is a mistake.
If nothing at all happens, then move on. He’ll help you get past the awkward moments.
Here’s one for you:
Actually dating and having fantastic sex with a potentially closeted man who watches solely gay porn, googles being bi or gay and was a member of gay porn sites prior to your relationship. Try that combo for messing with your head. Having all of the feelings described in here, intense love, intense emotional connection, but add to that a ripe and fervent sex life, having met the family, discussing buying a house, and yet still being confused as to where you stand, because you (and he) are unclear on his orientation. At least when they’re not sleeping with you, or are out, you know what you’re dealing with. This situation, this is driving me crazy. Absolutely crazy. I must be out of my mind …
Going Crazy: I definitely see your situation as being more “hopeful” than the rest listed above. If you two are having a fulfilling sexual and emotional relationship, him looking at gay porn is not a threat to you. I’ve always known that I wasn’t straight and I was in a long term relationship with a man when I first came to terms with my sexuality. “Am I straight?” “No”, “Am I lesbian?” “No”…Eventually I realized that I didn’t have to choose a label for myself, though that’s what society conditions us to do in every aspect of our lives.
In my eyes I fall in love with someone because of who they are.. gender doesn’t matter. Human beings, as a whole, want to be part of the
“group” (whatever group that may be) so when you live your whole life thinking that a certain “way” is the right way, well then you are going to be less likely to want to admit that any other way could be true. I think that if people were to actually realize this, their heart would be open to fall in love with more people (or gender) than they usually do, because in the end, it is just about that specific person you are in love with.
Anyway, I’ve gone off on a tangent. I wouldn’t worry too much about the gay porn. Maybe it just serves to entertain the part of him that’s attracted to men. (BTW, I think that if this situation was switched (a female with lesbian fantasies, people would be MUCH more accepting.)
Thanks for your insights, Monica. I agree that the line between gay/straight is much more blurred than most would like to make it out to be, which is why I’m being open and patient with this. The gay porn does not bother me so much except for that it is exclusively gay porn, and accompanied by visits to gay personals sites. He is no longer an active member of any that I know of, though he was earlier in our relationship, but it remains disconcerting that he’s scanning them, even though not logging in. I’m continuing to reserve judgment because I don’t want to screw up something that is wonderful because I am being snappy to judge without any real proof. God knows I have plenty of sex fantasies that I’d get some cocked eyebrows from, but it doesn’t make me unworthy of a happy partnership.
Sex continues to be great, communication continues to be fantastic, fun and happiness are terms I use daily to describe our relationship. So I guess, I just keep waiting and we’ll see. He won’t want to commit if he knows this will be a problem for him. At this point I’m not ready to commit either, so it’s OK. We’ll keep living life together until one of us decides that we need to fish or cut bait, and see how the other responds, I suppose.
Wow did I stumble across the right site!
I too am in love with a gay man.
I’ll tell you, it’s hard not to be, they are the sweetest guys anyone can ask for.
We are both in our 40’s and have been friends for about a year now. He told me within a couple of months of being friends that he was gay. I had no problem with it (or so I thought).
I was and still kind of new to the whole gay lifestyle (which is really no different than a straight person’s lifestyle). He is basically teaching me different things about the gay lifestyle that I was never aware of and I find it very interesting.
Our friendship started and has since blossomed into something that is unbelievable. We are never apart, always on the phone together, texting each other, instant messaging and emailing each other back and forth.
We do everything together like a husband and wife. He actually calls me his wife to many of his straight friends (I’ve never heard him say that to his gay friends). We are together constantly. He knows where I am at all times and I know where he is at all times (we tell each other this). Doesn’t this sound like a real relationship?
The other day, one of his straight friends says “that woman is going to convert you” and it really broke my heart to hear “not a chance in this lifetime”. But is there a chance and is he hiding his feelings for me? I wonder sometimes. I’ve been reading a lot on the internet about gay men falling in love with women, but it’s a very slim to none chance.
I
feel something is there though, but I am so afraid to say anything for fear of ruining our friendship. I think he feels something too (but I could be wrong). He is always worried about me, making sure I’m okay, making sure I got home okay etc.
I read on another site to try and make him jealous and see what he does/says. Well I tried it and I think it worked, I told him I was meeting someone for drinks (complete lie) and he was not happy. He right away said “well I’m going out tonight to a bar” (he hasn’t been in a bar in 3 years, he doesn’t like bars). He tried calling me several times but I didn’t answer the call. I did however call him back in a few hours stating that it wasn’t what I expected (another lie) and his whole attitude changed to himself again. Turns out he never did go to the bar (I think he was jealous). Yes, we are in our 40’s, sounds like we are kids. I never did this again.
He’s never been in a relationship with a man while I have known him. I know I’ll be hurt when the time comes but I’m having too much fun right now and I’m not looking at the future of him with another man. I can see the future with just us.
He told me the other day that he talks now more with his straight friends than his gay friends. He said he calls them but they don’t return his call as much as they used to. I think they know he has a good friend now….me.
We do live separately and have never kissed or have been sexually intimate but a lot of hand holding, hugs and just little jesters that I know he’s there or I’m there. He is always there for me as I for him.
I know I am in way to deep but is there really a chance with this man?
The short answer is–no. Reread just a few of the messages on this blog, and you will understand why I am being so harsh. I am so distrustful of these men. I have no idea what they want or expect of us in these relationships (mine is totally over, thankfully). Sooner or later they will hurt us, and it will hurt really, really, bad and for a very long time (and yes it will leave scars), since we trusted them so completely, over all other men in our lives. I’m sorry, for you and me and for all of the others who have posted here. Perhaps someone else will give you a more positive answer.
hi! I’m so glad this blog exists and that all of you have shared your experiences! It’s so great to know there are other people out there with whom I can relate.
Here’s the thing: I’m best friends with a guy I dated seven years ago (for two years) but I’m pretty sure he’s gay…or bi. Well, I know he’s attracted to women sexually and he adamantly denies being gay, but at the same time he’s got “attitude”, loves to dance more than the average hetero guy, has better fashion sense than me, sings really gay songs, likes to talk about his feelings, and pretty much acts like the best sappy friend a girl could ask for. He calls me EVERYDAY (more than once) and tells me he loves me constantly. He writes and sings songs for me. He always talks about marriage and asks me what it would be like if I had his babies. We have no physical relationship whatsoever, but we often verbally fantasize about what we want to do to each other…but of course never act on it because it would be too awkward. It is obvious that we love each other VERY MUCH, and I doubt I’ll ever establish a bond this strong and real with any other man ever again. But at the same time, neither of us are actually in love. In fact, I’m pretty sure he and I have created a sort of fantasy world where we act like husband and wife, but would never actually want to commit to each other. A few days ago he told me about a new female friend of his that he talks to almost as much as he talks to me. I was surprised to find myself extremely jealous and hurt. He said I had nothing to worry about, that they were just “kindred spirits” and continued to giggle and tell me about how cute and funny she is. I’m starting to think my feelings are more serious than I thought…I don’t want to fall in love with him. I was very badly hurt by my previous relationship with another guy and I don’t want to put myself in a position to be taken advantage of, deceived, used, and abandoned again. A part of me wants to marry my metrosexual friend, just to protect myself from future disappointments…it also seems like the most practical choice. After all, he is my best friend. I know he feels the same. but we aren’t in love! I don’t want to marry someone I’m not in love with…am I being immature?
You know what.. I think you guys are so much better when it was some kinda 2 way thingy going on between you and your ‘best guy friend/ bf'(or what you call it). Mine.. is just a one sided thing I suppose. Although he treated me really well..(or so I thought) but that is probably because no other normal guy would ever treat me this way.
*Well, just a little background: as Im huge in size.. and had not ever been in any relationship before.. and obviously… no guys will treat/see me like a woman in their eyes. But whenever I’m with him, I felt like a woman. I feel worth it and protected. Although when others see it.. they think that I am the one protecting him.(Plus I’m one year younger than he is). And he is attached. I’m his usual counsel when things happen in his relationship.
You know what.. I think you guys are so much better when it was some kinda 2 way thingy going on between you and your ‘best guy friend/ bf'(or what you call it). Mine.. is just a one sided thing I suppose. Although he treated me really well..(or so I thought) but that is probably because no other normal guy would ever treat me this way.
*Well, just a little background: as Im huge in size.. and had not ever been in any relationship before.. and obviously… no guys will treat/see me like a woman in their eyes. But whenever I’m with him, I felt like a woman. I feel worth it and protected. Although when others see it.. they think that I am the one protecting him.(Plus I’m one year younger than he is). And he is attached. I’m his usual counsel when things happen in his relationship. The thing is .. like all of you here.. I’m OBSESSED.. TOTALLY… And I can’t help it nor control it.
Your stories included like them telling you they loved you and all.. Really.. count your blessings…
After reading all your stories.. mine felt so mediocre..so small.. so insignificant..
However I still wish each and everyone of you here that you will find the love you gals deserve and remember you all are worth it too. Worthy of a true love of your lifetime.
My situation is a little bit different, because my gay and I are both a lot younger. I’m 18 and he’s 17, who was bisexual the year earlier (I didn’t know him then). My feelings for him keep growing, and my hope is really strong. He hasn’t had any experience with a man or a woman, so I think he could possibly be bisexual. I still need to ask him about why exactly he decided to be full on gay.
But we both really, really love to be around each other. Like, neither of us like talking on the phone, but we’ve spent 5 hours talking on the phone and it felt like not nearly that long. We spend ridiculous amounts of time together and never get sick of it.
I’m happy being just his friend, for now, but I can only hope for it to be something more. I’m afraid he might have the same feelings for me, but is too confused about it all to tell me (since he’s been thinking of himself as gay for a while). And I’m definitely not going to say anything and ruin our friendship.
The horrible thing is, I didn’t start getting feelings for him until after I knew he was gay. Haha. I’ve just been waiting it out for a few months to see if it would go away, but my feelings only keep getting deeper.
To Unsure:
I guess he is not attached at the moment now that he is able to spend most of his time with u?
I’m not sure what you’re asking, so it’s either yes, he doesn’t have a boyfriend and never has. Or no, we are really attached.
My best gay friend(who I am love with) and I just ended our friendship together.six years.Now I’ve read posts on here that say things like cherish your friendship, or these friendships are the best you can have but I couldn’t do it anymore. I can’t look at him everyday and know in my heart that I can NEVER have him and that is what I told him.He sent me a text saying that he thinks we are drifting and that we won’t be friends anymore because of college coming around the corner in the fall.I know that is how it will be and I’ve mentioned it to him before.He will have so many men to meet and I will be the one on the side when one of those men hurts him.I was probably going to be his comfort and support.So what do I get out of that? nothing. he said it was like we both want different things in life and that was my chance to let it out, close the book, and start a new chapter in my life since high school is over too. hes going further away for college. we will both meet other people. Its time for me to move on and live life 🙂 it’s the only thing you can do. There is no hope when in love with a gay man. I’m sorry.I wish there was but it just doesn’t happen….i am moving on