I’m In Love With a Gay Man

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I have found myself in love with my gay friend. We have been friends for the past five years and about a year ago, I told him that I knew he was gay. He was devastated as he said he wanted to tell me on his own, as he had another agenda. You see, he too had fallen in love with me, but I did not know that. We spoke and I felt better after we did; however, he on the other hand was devastated

It is going to be two years since all this happened but lately I found myself falling for him. You see, he closed the door when I told him I knew and he just felt he had blew it. He said that he has been fighting a demon in him for years and when he realized how he felt towards me, he thought that was it. I loved him then but now I have fallen for him.

Everyone who knows us thinks we are a couple, as he is on the down low. We are complemented very well, we act like a married couple, he treats me like I’m his queen, he caters to my every needs and is there for me whenever. I believe he is my soul mate but now the shoe is on the other foot I don’t know what to do. We have discussed it but he keeps going in circles with the answers. I know he loves me a lot but he too is scared, as he has been hurt in the past.

He says he thinks it best not to ruin a great friendship, then he does the sweetest things. For instance, we recently stayed on the phone from 12:30 am to 5:30 am talking; when asked why did he stayed up so long with me as he is not a phone person, his response was because I love you and care for you. He even told his mom about I am the one he will grow old with but now that I am showing a little more interest in him, he is pushing me away. I am confused. Should I just let it takes it course and just enjoy what we have now. I am really confused, as I believe he is my soul mate.

Confused Lady

Dear Confused,

I can see why you are confused. He is not offering you any clarity but I will. This man is gay. He may very well love you and in fact, I am sure he does but he is still gay. And if you love him you will accept this completely.

And the worst thing you can possibly do to a gay man is expect him to be in a romantic relationship with a woman. I am sorry, but the idea is absolutely ludicrous. Just stop and think about it. Think about a gay man lying in bed with a woman night after night after night. Talk about a living hell. He wants a man, not a woman. But this does not mean he does not want a friend.

And it does not mean he does not suffer angst around his sexual preference, because obviously he does. And as his friend, you could be helping him with this. You could be telling him you love him the way he is and always will. You could be telling him that you want him to be happy and you know that only a man can ever give him what he needs. And you could be supporting him as he fumbles around out there, letting him know you will always pick up the phone if he needs you. You have a stellium in Cancer! Nurture him for chrissakes! Give him some of the unconditional mother love you have reams of.

And meanwhile, with your friend on the right track, you could go look for a non-gay man. One that isn’t homophobic, okay! Because you have a gay pal! And after this, life goes on, everyone evolves and with a little bit of luck, nature takes its course and you and your friend both wind up happy, satisfied and friends for life.

Good luck.

240 thoughts on “I’m In Love With a Gay Man”

  1. Avatar
    Will I ever get over him?

    All of these stories make me want to cry. It’s so hard to be in a situation of unrequited love with a gay man. I have loved this man for 7 years. In high school we dated. In college we were on and off. We were eachother’s firsts. It never really worked out with us and we have been on and off for years, hooking up here and there, never being consistent (due to him). I have always loved him and thought that one day when we were older we would end up married with kids, etc. No one has ever compared to the way I feel about him. Lately, we have been focusing on our spiritual, emotional, relationship, rather then the physical one. Two days ago he came out to me that he was gay. A couple months ago he told me he was bisexual. My ex-boyfriend, the only man I loved, is gay. I was of course supportive when he told me, but deep down inside I’m dying because I know we will never be. Will I ever get over him?

  2. Avatar

    Just ran across this little poem and liked it…maybe it might help. I’d say goodbye to any type of intimate relationship and get on with being his friend, meanwhile finding yourself someone who is in to you.

    “I guess it’s gonna have to hurt,
    I guess I’m gonna have to cry,
    And let go of some things I’ve loved,
    To get to the other side.
    I guess it’s gonna break me down,
    Like falling when you try to fly.
    The only way you try to find.
    It’s sad but, sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
    Starts with goodbye.. ” ~TJ

  3. I have just sat and read all the comments that you have all made and it has left a nasty taste in my mouth that its almost an epidemic of gay men making women fall in love with them only to reject them!

    My story is very similar to all off yours, younger gay guy, very sweet, very loving, absolutely adores me, long soulful looks where I swear to god he is undressing me with his eyes!!!! If he was a straight man I’d know exactly what those looks mean; I’m in love with you, I want to kiss you, or I want to have sex with you or a combination of all three!!!!

    He is so possessive of me, cannot stand to see me with any other guy, gay or straight. Wants us to do loads of stuff together, holidays and days out. He has mentioned other men to me, but if he says he has a friend coming round to visit, I always give him a look and he will go, oooh not like that, just a mate!

    He is always touching me, holding my hand or kissing me and texts me all the time and we spend hours on msn or the phone and never get bored with each other.

    He confuses me so much though, he is always saying he is gay and he never wants to be with a woman, however, he has never been with a woman, and I say how can you know that you never would want to be if you have never tried something? I often wonder why he keeps telling me he is gay, because I heard and understood him perfectly clearly the first time he said it, I then think when he keeps saying it, that its a case of who are you trying to convince, you or me?

    I like many of you wonder, why gay men so desperately want to have a woman in their lives their “faghag” but do not desire to sleep with them, well Ive thought about this a lot and Ive come to a conclusion, genetically no matter how “gay” a guy is there is still that part of the brain that wants to procreate, our sole purpose in life is to make life, so no matter how much a guy likes to have sex with other guys, that part of the brain still exists, and even though they will never admit it, I believe that gay men arent ever as “gay” as they think they are, because as it has been mentioned on here, anal sex is pretty much sex without love, its like prehistoric sex, its got nothing to do with making love, its cold and hard and brutal. So I think a lot of gays choose the gay lifestyle as not to have to be emotional and admit feelings, they just fuck each other and move onto the next; however; they have a huge gap in their lives so despite protesting revoltion towards women, they need us in their empty shell of a life, to bring some semblance of meaning to it. I mean as a species we love to be in love, so what the hell is the point of existing where yes, the sex might be good, but it leaves you feeling dirty and used after!!!!

    My guy teases me a lot and recently he said he may change his mind and want to be with me, I actually thought he was making a joke and burst out laughing, only to have him text me later that day and say why did I think it was funny, and I wrote back that you have said that you’d never want to be with me so many times that I thought you were being funny, he said he wasnt, and I said I wont hold my breath for that day to come and he said never say never!!!!

    They are all fucked in the head, and Im not even talking literally, the profess to loving us, the make us feel special like princesses and then crap on us from a great height. I know something I will never cultivate a new friendship with another gay guy because its too exhausting and depressing, knowing that we would make an amazing couple but I’ll never get to show him how much I love him, because ladies as we all know and as my mother told me when I was a teenager “a standing cock has no conscience!” straight men after a few drinks will stick it into anyone or anything, so why do gays think they are exempt from that? Its not that they cant perform for a woman, its because they WONT!!!! and I think that I have figured out why, because they are scared to have sex with a women because they might just like it a hell of a lot more than being fucked by a guy! and that what us girls have always known would be true, that no-one is truely gay or straight, we are all stuck somewhere in the middle, and the variable is simple, it depends on who you meet!!! Souls are not attracted to the flesh wrapper a person is in, they recognise when they want someone and nothing will stop them wanting.

    I dont believe the saying that you have to have had sex with both genders to know what you prefer, but I do take exception to my gay guy saying that he thinks ladies bits look like a car crash when he has never seen any! So unless when you come out in the gay community they have anti women properganda with photos of a womans lady garden straight after she has given birth to a 10 pound baby with no painkillers, what is their justification for saying that? its all smoke and mirrors to stop gays turning back to the darkside, sorry back to hetrosexual sex!!!! I think that is why a lot of gay guys I know despise bisexuals, because they slim the ranks of we are only attracted to men, cause god forbid you could be attracted to both sexs!!!

    Okay sorry for the rant, Im going to go back to daydreaming that my guy will wake up and smell the coffee and realise that he needs me a lot more than I need him and that he may just be in love with me and yes he can perform for me, because I know Im just waiting for that one good day!

    Good luck ladies and have heart, people change sides constantly, nothing is forever and never say never!


  4. I went through the same experience many years ago. I know it hurts, but you have to honor yourself and your friend and let go of this love.

    I was close friends with a guy for years (amazing how the stories are the same here). My friend and I went to see “American Beauty”, and afterwards, I said I felt sorry for people who are gay and feel that they can’t tell anyone, that this type of repression would be damaging to a soul. My friend came out not long afterwards to me first, then everyone else. This is a long process.

    Believe me, you will get over the pain of this loss. My friend and I stayed friends for a long time, but it was better for us in the end to sever the ties. It was too painful otherwise. It’s not fair to yourself and the person who is gay to wait around and hope that things will change.

    We still care very much for each other and always will, but time does heal all wounds. I wish you all the best.

  5. One thing I forgot to write in my rant from the other day was I was reading some posts on a gay guy forum and it was mentioned that it happens quite a lot that gay guys get drunk and end up shagging their female friends, but its just not spoken about as I guess they dont want to be thought of as straight or bi, or anything else other than gay, so I dont think it is as unusual as us girls in love with gay guys think!


  6. My gay best friend and I have been together for over 20 years and yes I have to admit I am madly in love with him. I am also HAPPILY married for over 23 years. My husband has met and is friends with my best friend. I have to say I have the best of both worlds and highly recommend keeping your gay friend if you can handle the sexual pressure.
    We met at our jobs and immediately hit it off. Everyone always would joke saying I lit up like a Christmas tree when ever he would come around. All of the women in the office were jeoulous and everyone started telling me not to hang around him because of our chemistry. At this point I did not know he was gay. When he told me a month or so later I was shocked but not devastated. I am actually lucky because now I am able to flirt all I want with him with minimal consequences. There is a lot of chemistry with us- Yes I get kisses on the lips but not sensual kisses. He holds my hand, he strokes my hair and neck, he jokingly trys to touch my breasts, most things women crave but since I know he is gay I think of it as a game. I have to admit sometimes my feelings get tied up- this past weekend we spent in NYC and he got me to give him a back rub. At first I thought I was going to go crazy but when he started telling me how good it felt it just made me realize that we dont have to have sex to have a great relationship and make each other feel good. He loved his massage and I enjoyed giving it to him until he fell asleep.
    Don’t turn away a friend because you are afraid- I was so afraid when I met him and now 20 years later I have 2 soul mates- I wont trade either for the world. Just keep your emotions in check and remember… You are not going to change a gay man- He does love you- He just can not respond to you sexually- it is no different than if you are a straight woman and they put you in a bed with another straight women- if the feeling isn’t there- NOTHING IS EVER GOING TO HAPPEN!

  7. I’ve been in love w/my gay friend for 30 years. It’s hard; not easy at all. 27 years ago he called himself doing what was best for me and broke up w/me. It wasn’t best for me at all. We would speak on the phone; I moved 3200 miles away from him to get over him and it didn’t work. I still live 3200 miles away but we are back together thinking about getting married this time. No, I know that I will not have him 100% but I’ve learned over the years that what I do have is better than nothing. We are happy in what we give each other and he makes sure that he takes care of me in everyway I need. I may not be able to take care of him sexually but we’re not young anymore so he does what he needs to get satisfied but he takes care of me before he does that. I’m number one in his life and he’s number one in mine and I wouldn’t change that for anything in the world.

  8. ive been going through hell, ive fallen for my friend whom is gay and i have told him everything but he wont say anything about his life, only very few details. he is always chatting with me and messing with me, my mind is always set on our friendship but, i just dont know anymore, because i mean…..its painful for a girl who has been through so much pain to like a gay and tell him on accident, i told him 2 days ago, we have known each other for 3 years and we are both confused…i dont know…..maybe its just that, im always hanging with gay guys that ive just gotten used to them and ive gotten a crush on one, ive liked my friend since the first day we met…..i dont know what to do, i dont want to ruin our friendship….

  9. i may be younger than a lot of people who comment on this forum, but i’m so glad i found it. i’m 17 years old and am head over heels in love with my gay best friend. i know i’m only 17 but i’ve never met anyone quite like him before. we have an amazing bond that is unbreakable. we used to fool around a lot just for fun the moment we met. (i.e. kissing, touching, etc.) about a month ago we took it further and had sex. he called it making love, and insisted that he had to be bisexual because he couldn’t love me the way he did and still be gay. i am unsure whether or not it’s the sex talking though. we made love a few more times after that. he always initiates it and i lack the backbone to say no because i want it too. my friends tell me i should stop because i’m going to end up getting too emotionally attached and hurt, but even if i did cut out the sex, i’d still feel the same way as i do now. any advice? i’d greatly appreciate it [:

  10. 5 years for me. And I only discovered he was gay for sure 2 weeks ago. Obviously I had my suspicions but because he was on a dating site, looking for women, I ignored them. But he’s 30, incredibly good looking, good job,etc and has never had a girlfriend. I’m the closest he has come to it.

    I went on holiday with him and thats when I found out. He asks badly at times, avoiding social contact. I’m certain this is because he is afraid of the reaction of male acquaintancies if they guessed he was gay. He avoided being alone with me, yet he looks at me all the time as if he likes what he sees and is very, very flirty. Most of our mutual friends think there is something between us, so with two of the other guys I was on holiday with encouraging me, I decided to make a move on him. I tried to hold his hand and he immediately grabbed his hand away as if I had scalded him. I asked him, gently, if he didn’t want to hold hands and he said “I don’t want to give the wrong impression”. And then I asked him if he was gay and he said he was. Only his father and his sister know, even his mother doesn’t know. I think he uses me as a front when she is there and she probably thinks I am a sort of girlfriend.

    In the past we’ve gone on dates and while nothing physical has ever happened beyond kissing on the cheek, theres been a lot of what is called frottage iniated by him. He leans against me so that his body is touching mine, very intimately.

    Funny, but I too detect at times that he has a deepdown hatred for women. The other thing is as well is, he doesn’t know, but I’m not exactly conventional myself. I have a long term on off boyfriend who is besotted with me but I just don’t want to get married or have kids. Sexually, I am turned on by the thought of watching two gay men together, although I don’t really want to participate. Its way more exciting than sex between a man and a woman, I can see what he sees in it. I’m definatley not into women though. The thing is, me and my gay man are so closely connected I think I might through some sort of empathy experience his feelings in my mind. So I’m not sure if this fantasy is mine or his.

    The other thing is, its a horrible, being rejected by the man who turns you on. The other way of looking at is of course is that I’m hot enough that even gay men fancy me. And of course, its not boring. I don’t want to be a happily married woman with kids, so in a way its providing some of the excitement and interest I want in life.

    Anyway, since finding out he is definately gay, I might as well experiment a bit myself and go out with that hot guy who has asked me several times, that I’ve always turned down because he just isn’t as interesting as my gay man. It might move me on in a way that all the self analysis isn’t. Plus the guy looks a bit like my gay man, which is why he caught me looking at him in the first place…

  11. I am married.

    I loved a gay man like a brother. He called me his sister. It was the closest I have ever let myself get to anyone besides my husband. I have had other gay friends, but they were never as close as this.

    Four months ago he cut me from his life. I am heartbroken. I want him to come back and in thirty years for us to look back on this time as an aberration in our long history of love and friendship.

  12. I am trying to come to terms,with the fact that the gay man I have feelings for has a boyfriend. But hey the way he makes me feel it’s just fantastic!!! I am glad to know that I’m not the only one to be in this painful situation. It’s been three years since the first time I met him and I got a shock when I heard from my colleague that he was gay, and I mean a shock. I thought, How can I man like him be gay when he tells me I am gorgeous, Beautiful, all the time??? I use to dream of him nearly every night, I used to wake up and say to myself why why is that??? He makes me feel good and I do believe he likes me very much and probably he got confused just like me. The connection is great!!! When I’m at work he, comes and see me for a hug!! we exchange birthday cards, Christmas cards, we both said to each other I love you!! Yes I am coming to terms with it tho. No matter what, now that he has a boyfriend I will show him all my support and I’m hoping it goes well between them. I know that he will always come back for a hug, a kiss on the cheek, my birthday and Christmas. Cause after all I am beautiful and gorgeous to him on whatever I wear even if it’s not so attractive and believe me that really makes my day.
    Love you sooo much my dear gay friendxxx

  13. I had heard that falling for a gay man eventually ends up in one or both getting hurt.
    I had many warnings, but I went ahead and dated one anyway. He told me up front that he was gay, which was very honest and appreciated. He was attracted to me, and vice versa. We have amazing chemistry, and in the first week were both feeling like we knew each other…though we had never really talked before we started dating. We dated for a month, and it was the most intense, emotionally exhilarating relationship I’ve ever had. We connected on so many levels and in so many ways. We had mentioned many times that we felt that we’d known each other in another lifetime.
    My story sounds much like many of the stories above….it is uncanny. We both felt extremely drawn to one another. Like magnets.
    We were both scared, and likely in love with the IDEA of the other. Both of us had many things we needed to heal, many insecurities, emotional issues and our own things to deal with. This relationship brought up everything…from my past that I hadn’t yet dealt with. We took some time apart after a month because neither of us could think straight. That first month was agony…I was doing my best to move through my own stuff, but it was as if my heart had been ripped out. It was awful. Six weeks later, he emailed me saying that he could never be with a woman, and that he’d gotten back together with an ex. I was devastated. I cried so much, I was nearly sick to my stomach. But I was still in love with him…and…he wanted to still be friends.
    That was five months ago. In between…we’d communicated somewhat…and it had been back and forth…vague answers every time I emailed him. He wouldn’t see me, barely talked to me on the phone and all the while, he still persisted in saying all of those wonderful things I’ve heard others repeat above.

    A month ago, I got some really good advice…get very clear, and specific about what you want from this guy. Give him a time line…I want this for (one/three months). That will give you both an out if it’s not what you expected. Then ask him for it. He’ll either say yes or no that he wants/ is able to fulfill that for you. If he says no, tell him that if he changes his mind, to let you know and you’ll consider it. NOW, here comes the tricky part…HE NEEDS TO COME TO YOU. You are the woman in this situation…he has to pursue you, not the other way around. Finally, let him know that if he does contact you, that your expectations will remain the same.

    This approach gave me so much needed clarity about what I want from him (and indeed any man) and I was able to have closure knowing that he isn’t able to fulfill what I want.

    Some other things that I’ve learned. Love isn’t about the other person. Its about you. Learning to love yourself, and show yourself love is SO important and necessary to loving someone else. He really taught me how to love…when I learned how to accept love for myself, I felt more at peace.
    Jealously has no place in an intimate relationship. Let it go. If you love him, then you want him to be happy. If he’s happy with the other guy, then be happy for him…(same goes for you)
    Break ups are a really good time to review abandonment/ rejection issues. I had huge issues with both, and I also found a way through them.
    Look for ways to stay present. Meditation helps with this…I know its tough not to think about all the great times you had together, and the way you felt, but trust me, it will happen again…and likely with someone who will find you sexually appealing.

    The one thing to ask yourself here is: are you in love with him, or the idea of him? If you find yourself dreaming that he would sleep with you, then (like me) you are probably in love with the idea of him. Bottom line is: He’s gay. He most likely wouldn’t be happy with a woman, and to ask him to betray who he is…is not only selfish, it’s disrespectful to who he is. Respect him for who he is. (And he needs to respect you.)

    If he really cares about you, he will want you to be happy and find that special someone that will be able to give you what you need and desire as a woman.

    Like Dr. Phil says…we have to teach people how to treat us. If we stay when we are in such turmoil and don’t stand up for ourselves…we’ll get treated the same…work on your boundaries (physical, emotional, spiritual) loving yourself, and what you want to do in life…

    I still think about him, but its beginning to be a little less, the hurt doesn’t hurt quite so much. Plus, the door is still open a crack so that there is some opportunity down the road to let him back in my life…if I CHOOSE to do so. I’m not sure what will happen if he ever contacts me again. He’s ask me if we could communicate after some time has passed, and I’m open to it…but I was very clear about what I wanted…and was sure to tell him that. Stick to your guns.
    You deserve the best! Believe it…
    Good luck!

  14. Well, I read a lot of cases, I think sometimes it´s the boys fault cause they throw confusing signals… I went out for around four months with a gay guy, who always was very ambivalent with his sexual preference (he proclaims to be bisexual) I really didnt care about that, as long he wanted to be with me, cause I think he´s the hottest guy around… you girls talk a lot about love, I don´t know if I feel love for this guy actually, I truly care and admire him, but for above all I want him badly, I dream frequently we have sex…you never mention the word desire and it really intrigues me, cause I think its an important issue about this theme… I´m super confused cause at this moment I´m a married woman, and he´s one of my best friends, we truly love each other as friends, but he still dating women and fooling them, sometimes I feel jealous about it, because I know he prefer guys anyway, I love him very much but I know he (and maybe many other guys) play with someones else´s affection only because they like to feel desired and admired, and they´re flirty as hell… anyway he keeps me on his game and sometimes I enjoy it… so I think many times this relations are really sadistic/masochistic… It sucks…but admit it girls, we kind of like it, maybe we are all sick people… someone can tell me if this happens to anyone else? could someone help me in my insane case?

  15. I’m so glad I found this blog. My situation is a little different. My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. when i first met him he told me he was bi. I was fine with that and we were happy. Eventually he started treating me badly and has been ever since. He just wasnt a good boy friend but we had great sex. I mean it was great! ive never felt this way about anyone before but he just dumped me because he told me he is gay. how could he do this to me? its so hard to beleive him when we have shared so much, physically and mentaly. I am so depressed I just want to die.

  16. oh i am sooo happy to have found this site. yeah, i am soooo confused and everything that was said here, is sooo true. this is beyond weird. i am really depressed because it’s my responsibility to end this. it’s really convenient to him. it is my call. and i can’t. just can’t. wha’t the point? all the rest is just shallow and stupid. all the tears that i cried could make a small lake,

    it’s good to know that i am not alone. thank you everyone.

  17. I had a friend for about 8 years. We talked almost every day and I started develop feelings for him. We used to joke about how we would get married and have children and I liked him so much and he liked me too..
    A couple of months ago he told me he was in love with me and had been for years. I told him I shared the same feelings. It was the happiest day of my life. Our relationship was rocky but we loved each other and he constantly told me about his dreams that we were going to get married and have children together and whatnot. For years I had felt that he was the only one for me..
    But earlier this week he told me that he’s gay and that he had been feeling it the whole time. He says that it felt right to love me but something was always off.
    We still have plans for the future even though they have changed, we still want to be together even if it’s not like girlfriend and boyfriend.
    Problem is I’m still in love with him.. And I’m not sure how to stop being in love with him. I keep feeling that he is the right one for me but he can’t be.. Not sure what to do.

  18. I was in love with a gay man named Matt that I met through his exboyfriend, my friend Rich. The instant I saw Matt I couldn’t help but feel attracted to him. Rich and I were at a club and he was trying to make Matt jealous by making out with me in front of Matt. It was weird bc I was kissing Rich but at the same time I felt awkward bc I didn’t want Matt to hate me bc I thought he was so cute. Well Rich’s plan worked and Matt got back together with him. I felt bad to betray my friend by liking his boyfriend but I couldn’t help it, I just had such intense feelings for Matt. I felt like as long as I was near him I’d be happy no matter what. Because I was friends with Rich, he would tell me about his relationship and he told me that they were looking for a guy to have a threesome with. At the club we always went to Matt went up to Rich and asked if I would have a threesome with him (I was sitting right next to Rich but Matt didn’t say it loud enough for me to hear but I just knew what he said) All I heard was Rich’s reaction, he just rolled his eyes and said, “I think she would say No” and Matt looked embarrassed and walked away. Matt and Rich eventually broke up again and Rich stopped going to the club but I still went just to see Matt. He used to dance dirty with me and flirt with me all the time. Once we hung out after the club and he put his arm around me and said “if only I were straight”. Another time at a house party I saw Matt making out with this girl and I was heartbroken bc I thought if he’d kiss a girl it would be me. I quickly went into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water and I heard someone follow me in and it was him and he had a smirk on his face like “did you see that?” sometimes I thought that he liked me but other times I thought that he just knew I liked him and loved the attention and he would just do little things to just keep stringing me along. He eventually moved and I didn’t keep in contact with him bc he was just my friend’s ex. It took me a long time to get over him and sometimes I wonder if I really am over him. It’s not like I still want him but I wish I had the feelings that I got when I was near him with someone else. Even if he was into me as if him being gay wasn’t a big enough obstacle we could never be together bc we didn’t want to hurt Rich. I never wanted to love him, I just did. I don’t know why I loved him so much, I wonder what made me so attracted to him, why I still think about him randomly after all these years. I wish him the best and maybe in another life we would have been great together but sadly it wasn’t meant to be.

  19. i came to canada 3 years ago from eastern europe with a husband and 2 children. back home we hardly heard about gays, so this person manipulated me easily for 3 years.., all the signs the girls are mentioning were in place, flirting, teasing, checking out,,he gained my trust, i shared with him everything, we work together, he has a high position within the company, always treated me well, which made me trust him even more., in 5 months of knowing him, seeing him only at work, i developed feelings, and told him about that. he then met with me for a coffee and said- that yes, he thought of us too, and in a very nice way, but there are 2 things which hold him back- i am married and we work together. Of course he said nothing about him beeing gay., he never came out. I started to prepare a separation agreement to divorce my husband. I have to admit our relationship with my husband was not good, so i felt more inspired to divorce him. In the following 2,5 years i got divorced, started looking for another job, while he was meeting with me occasionally for coffee and a few times out of work, but only for an hour, there was always a reason- his son, who is 16 years old, when son is away- board meetings, he has to get ready etc… I never thought that he may be a gay, he has a son, had relationship with women, but they did not work, that’s what he was telling me, leading me mentally to a future toghether..There was one day, then we progressed to kissing in his car. It was very passionate, very pleasant. In 6 months, we ended up at his house kissing and hugging and i asked him to go upstairs. I saw he hesitated for a sec, and then grabbed my hand and we went upstairs. He started undressing me, we were kissing, and then while in the process he said,,even if we see each other, somebody mught see us from work and we will have to stop. This cooled me off, and i couldnt continue..He said he is frustrated. and asked if he can meet my mom. I said yes, why not..we went to my house, had tea with my mom and my daughters, talked about random things,he was very friendly, girls liked him a lot. and another 6 months of encounters at work only…for anything else he has an excuse always.

  20. Wow! I am soooo glad I stumbled across this site. I am not alone. I have loved a gay man now for two years. He told me about 6 months into our relationship that he was gay and of course I cried because I had fallen hard for him and thought my dream of living a life with him could never be. We did talk about it all and he offered me a “lifelong commitment” because he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. There would only be partial physical closeness between us, holding hands, acting like a “couple”, etc. as he would be okay with that. He has said he so wishes he could give me what I want in a close physical relationship but he just can’t. I don’t hate him because of this, I truly understand, and would never expect it from him. But it is so hard when he tells me he loves me and wants to share things with me and travel with me and have a life together. I am so confused. He treats me so well and would do anything for me. We are soulmates! I have taken some time for myself to figure things out and have not gone out with him in a few weeks.We do see each other everyday at work so it is hard not to think about him. I would just like someone to tell me if they would risk making a life with a gay man. He isn’t out and people think we are a couple a lot of the time. We ave a good chemistry. He has never had a sexual relationship with a man or a woman but did have a short friendship with a college buddy.
    Any advice?
    Thanks…I am glad I am not alone!

  21. Avatar
    fooled by a gay man in the closet

    I am so glad I came to this website. At the beginning of this year, I met this guy at work. He was tall and handsome and I immediately thought he was attractive, but I didn’t get friendly with him. Then he kept asking me for my phone number, which I didn’t give to him because number 1 i was reserved and 2 i was in a relationship with a straight, for sure straight man. But this guy’s advances kept coming, and he would spend hours at work talking to me till the wee hours of the morning, yes, in the office till 1 2 sometime even 3am. Naturally, I started to suspect that he was interested in me and I told my boyfriend at the time about him and my boyfriend say plainly that his guy is trying ot pick me up. Stupid me I didn’t stop his advance and ended up giving him my phone number and still spent a great deal of time talking, till some of our colleagues started suspecting that we were dating. He would invite me out to dinner, but always casually and one time he brought me a white rose. So judge me if you will, but soon fell for it. I became madly in love with this man and continued to talk to him and you guess it, I dumped my boyfriend for him. Well the relationship progress, but he never asked me to be his girlfriend. He had a ton of male friend and would always tell me about how gay guys are always trying to pick him up. He wore a ring on his right hand ring fingure and had his left ears pears. Then he started forming weired relationships with the guys at work and other people started questioning if he was gay, but of course he is extremely homophobic.

    We the last straw for me was he was so secretive eventhough we spent so much time together, he wouldn’t tell me his age or where he lived. Additionally, he never made any advances towards me and stupid me I thought it was because he was a gentleman, but no it turned out that he is gay, or I am now suspecting he is.

    I am natually a very strong person, but this one has hit me hard. I am very angry at him for leading me on and I am leaning towards Pathetique’s opinions. I am deeply hurt, and trying everyday to forget him. I have asked him not to call me again because he wants to talk to me without revealing anything about himself and yet have weird relationships with men and women alike. I am so bumped and I feel so stupid. I am tempted to ask him why, but a part of me feels like it’s not even worth it that I should just move on and NEVER allow him or any other confused gay men to lead me on. I am now 27 years old, and it’s hard for me to feel hopeful about my relationship prospects, plus I am now so angry and unsure about these men. What was he trying to achieve?

  22. Hi fooled by a gay man in the closet..i see your pain…almost my situation, but my gay has a better reason for cover up.. we work together,,he’s got a high position, he cant date anybody at work.. while leading me on…exactly what you were asking? why are they doing that? although we cant date because of our situation at work- he says – he loves my company, we would get out sometimes to talk,,so he would love to have me in his life on these terms..but what is left for me? i love his company, but i want sex too.., and he is not giving it (again under the reason of working toghether..), so i guess i will have to find a man for sex,, and keep the gay for emotional connection..which is so strong with him.He never reveealed that he is gay,, it’s my suspision, but reading all the girls’ comments- very much looks alike..he mentioned a few times- how could anybody be even attracted to a male body, he thinks it is even ugly..so girls,,anybody who handled this situation in a descent way- please help us.!!!

  23. Avatar
    fooled by a gay man in the closet

    Thanks for empathizing Anni. I completely share your frustration. This morning as I kept thinking about the whole thing, I just kept getting more and more angry at this (f!@ker)so I decided that f!@#k it, I am going to ask him straight up if he is gay or straight. I knew deep down that he would likely never answer me because he is soooo secretive. But, I didn’t care. I wanted him to let him know that he is not fooling me and that I have figured him out. Even if he doesn’t answer me I feel good that I put the question to him. From now on, he will think twice about fooling me, especially, or another woman again. I don’t think he will ever answer me though, but that’s okay. !@#$ him.

  24. Avatar
    fooled by a gay man in the closet

    By the way Anni, my advise to you is not to get too deeply involved with him. It is so hard once you’ve fallen for someone to forget, so hard. I spend entire days, yes 24/hrs thinking about this dush bag. So cut him off and move on. The sooner the better. Find yourself a casual straight guy to take your mind off of this guy and believe it or not, it will also make him very jealous, but don’t pay him no mind. Do exactly what he did to you back to him. Let him feel the pain. Flirt and date another men right in front of him. if he can’t master up the courage to ask a respectable woman that he supposedly love out, then what do you care. Move on with your life and don’t even look back.

  25. dear friend, fooled by a gay man in the closet, i would definetley do what you say, but being already so much in love, i still hesitate, and a part of my mind still doubts that he may be gay. as the reasons he gives- are real- we work toghether, he cant ask me out, as if somebody sees us- they will fire him. (he is a Vice President of the company we work), from the other point of view- he said- he does not want to limit our relationship to occasional secret sex, as all other things would be impossible (again because of our situation at work). So doesnt it sound as a good justification?? it is continuing for 3 years now..i divorced my husband, was looking for another job, but couldnt find as good as this one, and that’s the ultimate conclusion which came from him- i need this job because of my daughters, he cant leave either, he has a son, so we will keep it as friends until something changes. Obviously he will not offer any sex meanwhile. So my dear friend, i dont know , is he just trying to continue keeping me hooked, or indeed he is such a proper guy who cares about all the negative consequences which may follow of us getting involved (even secretly)

  26. And, i just wanted to add- you were saying – you will try and ask him if he is gay. My assumption would be- he will deny it, otherwise he would have not hide it in the first place, or would reveal it later on…, in my situation – it is even dangerous- he may get scared that i figured him out- and he may even fire me (so that nobody else in the company knows that he is gay). So i will pretend- i know nothing- as i told you i still doubt him being gay, although- he is very secretive like your gay- and shares with me only his son’s life and work life a bit,, but almost never anything else…all the week-ends he spends with his son,,all evenings as well (hockey, soccer practice,), i even asked him if he is seeing somebody.. he said NO- it’s now 5-6 years since his last break up (with a woman they lived together), and he is trying to say that he had no sex since then…how bizzare is that.., or he really thinks i am stupid

  27. Avatar
    fooled by a gay man in the closet

    Anni, in my opinion, it’s all bullshit…sorry about my french, these days, the only release I get from talking about these gay/straight/whatever they are guys is to call them names. This guy is not a real guy, sorry I know it’s hard to accept, even I sometime wish that the reality was different for me too, but once I accepted the truth, all i felt was anger at him, for leading me on, for ruining my life or trying to because if he truely is gay, why why will he knowing that I am a woman, why would he lead me on, with flowers, and dates night and all night phone chats. He even invited me to meet some of his family members, whom I am sure are just as unsuspecting. So this whole thing about him not wanting to date you because of work is bullshit. The only reason why you don’t see it (And I feel you actually know it too) is that you are head over heels in love and you can’t see the truth outside of your very strong feelings. This guys will take you no where, he is selfish and uncaring and frankly I think he may be using you as a cover up, (which I think was the same reason my gay guy was using me for) to hide his gayness, to make it seem like he is straight, because after all, he is still in the closet.

    I read that you got divorced. I hope it wasn’t because of him, but even if it was, you are not a lone. I broke off a relationship too, with a guy who called me his # 1, for a GAY GUY. I want to cry right now. It HURTS so badly, I can’t even begin to describe the pain, that his f-er, has subjected me to and believe me he doesn’t care much for women. Maybe even hates women. My gay guy would always say all women are crazy, yes all women and as naive as I was I would say, oh don’t say that if you say that you will end up with a crazy woman, etc. I had never personally known any gay guys unlike the rest so I was unsuspecting of anything and I was fooled. So my dear, the faster you move on and accept the truth , the better it would be for you. After all, if he can’t risk dating the woman of his dreams, what is it worth trying to wait for him? He will never show up, believe me because there is something more deeply he isn’t telling you. Men are deceptive, but I am beginning to think that gay men are sociopaths, they don’t care for intimacy and relationships with women in particular, that’s why he is gay. move on girl…I am gone and if my gay guys come any where close to me and tries to deceive me again, I swear, he will have it, I will tear him apart, for his lies and deception, I’ve got no sympathy for him because he was willing and ready to destroy my life – for nothing.

  28. Avatar
    fooled by a gay man in the closet

    By the way I did ask him if he was gay or straight, but of course he didn’t respond. I knew that he wouldn’t, but I don’t care. He is a devil’s advocate in my opinion sent to destroy us, I’m sorry, but I am a spiritual person and I think that all of us here are being tempted by these seemingly nice guys who are causing us so much pain. We need to wake up and smell the coffee. These men are not real, they are not from God and they come only to steal our joy away. I am in a happy committed relationship and now I a single, miserable and very very lonely and spend all my time shopping, as my only source of release. I will NEVER ever let them fool me again. If you want to be gay, go ahead, but they dare lure me into a life that isn’t real. WAKE UP GIRLS, WAKE UP!!! We have all been deceived by men who hate us and are willing to destroy us and cause us pain. You cannot love someone and cause them pain at the same time and say you can’t help it, I’m sorry to sound like Oprah here but Love is not supposed to hurt, and the next time a guys says he loves me, it better not hurt, or I will tell him to go to hell.

  29. dear friend..you know i was reading and crying,,i so feel your pain..and yes, i deeply think- that they do hate women, they dont trust them, and yes, i thought- that he might be using me for a cover up- but no.. he saw me may be 10 times within those 3 years (and always for not more than 1 hour.. as somebody from work might see us)..+ multiple encounters at work, accidental ones, as we work on different floors. so was it for cover up? i dont know.., but with me you see- we did progress to kissing in his car,, very passionate, so real and caring it was,, and then- in 6 months from that- to his house– where we almost had sex…going there.. then suddenly he said- that after it i will want more,, and he will feel guilty and if someone sees us from work- we will have to stop it. So it cooled me off, and sex didnt happen..postponed ….and under different excuses postponed from february until now..So what’s obvious- he avoids intimacy, which leads again to the thought of him being gay. I dont see any other reason. So, my friend, you know i divorced my husband,, not only because of him, but if i wouldnt fall in love with this man, i probably would not divorce him so quickly,, being all alone in a new country, with 2 minor daughters, and divorcing my husband- it was hard time. That’s why i felt as you did so much anger …because basically he didnot care how much i suffered going through that divorce and obviously being led by gay towards a future together,,which he never planned actually, i guess, but at the same time- he hired me to this job i have now, and i am so grateful for that- so that my anger is not that huge now.. I was desperate to understand what is going on.. crying days and nights,, until i found this site,, where things cleared out. and i feel better now as i at least can provide some reasoning to his behavior and take it from there.. to being friends as he suggested- until our situation at work changes. I will start meeting new people without him even knowing that, but you know, as many people i met- he is still the most intelligent i ever knew, which makes it harder..But when i think how deceptive and manipulative he is- my love cooles off a bit, so it’s a struggle right now. I have my daughters who start school soon and i will be busy again, and you my friend- will meet a guy, a good guy, who will want what you have, and not a penis. And you know – Love does hurt. When my husband cheated on me with a woman, it hurted as much…so now i dont even know what is worse…
    thank you for replying to me,, it feels so much better to know that you are not alone..in this experience..

  30. and yes, you were saying he even introduced you to his relatives.. yes,, mine too did meet my mom and daughters,, after that sex attempt which of course confused me even more…just like you..A friend of mine told me- they might be doing that- because they want to be like all normal men,, mimicking their behaviour..and leading us on basicallly, but still- you cant lie to yourself..and sooner or later the woman discovers the truth- and pain is all she is left with. And they are left with quasi relationship they had with a woman- depends how long they could fool us..so it makes them feel that they are still men,,they had lured a woman, who was deeply in love with them. This is my conclusion, dont know what else could be. Would love to hear what he says,, but deep inside i know – he will never admit it, moreover as soon as he thinks you figured him out- he will cut you off from his life. (and start looking for the next innocent victim)

  31. Avatar
    fooled by a gay man in the closet

    Yup and yup to your last statement. So true. I suspect that’s what my doosh bag is going to do, but I don’t care, it’s actually better for him because if he comes anywhere near me, he will be sorry.

    And do you wonder why most if not all gay guys have very close relationships with women? Why, if they are gay, why do they still need a woman in their lives? They themselves are living a lie if you ask me.

    check out this statistics too, and this is for everyone of us here, stats show that 1 out of 10 men in NYC are sleeping with other men AND 75% of them are in heterosexual relationships. On top of that I also read that about 20% of all married men are gay and sleeping with other men while married. Is that not the most scariest thing you’ve ever heard?

  32. Avatar
    fooled by a gay man in the closet

    A lot of these gay guys too have extremely close relationships with their mothers. Can anyone explain why? I read that a man has to think dirty of a woman in order to sleep with her, so does that mean that because of their close bond with their mothers they aren’t able to think of women in dirty terms so they turn to guys instead? Just some food for thought.

  33. My gay (i think he might be..) says he is like brother and sister with his mom…so dont know how true this statement could be, si i guess Sammie is right- it is a stereotype, Anyway- it is really hard to figure them out.. in my case- took years, and i am sure- if i ask him- he will never admit, so it will remain with me

  34. Avatar
    fooled by a gay man in the closet

    @ Sammie, no stereotypes, just trying to lay down some observations in hopes of getting clarity. As you can see, those of us hear are very confused about our relationships with gay guys and it’s so hard to understand them. If you have any pointers to share please do.

    @ Annie, yeah, like I said, that’s been my observation and research findings.

  35. They’re people. They’re not your “gays”. Stop viewing them that way and starting treating them as people in their own right. They don’t owe you whatever it is you’re seeking. Your issues are your own; don’t blame them.

  36. Well, Sammie, nobody doubts that they are people. Moreover- the are people who manipulate women (often women manipulate straight men, but in this case-vice versa). Just to let you know- i was not seeking anything, i was a married woman. And he was the one- who made advances, flirted, treated me nicely, saying that i should not live with a husband who doesnt treat me well, saying that he was thinking about us and in a very nice way. So making promises, leading me to think things he never meant. And you say they dont owe anything. I guess my and “fooled by a gay in the closet” question was- WHY they did this to us?? knowing in advance- that they will not make us happy, just because we are WOMEN. We are looking for clues, and Sammie, if you could read some of my previous messages,- i still dont know – could the man i love be gay or not. Any insight from your side would be greatly appreciated.

  37. I fail to understand how whether or not he’s gay – something you’re not even sure of in the first place – has any bearing on what he’s doing. It’s so irrelevant it’s mind boggling how obsessed you are over this one detail that you’re not even certain about. Just talk to him about what his actions are doing to you, without bringing your assumptions to the table. Stop deciding it MUST be because he’s gay, and blaming that for why you’re confused and hurt. Btw, straight guys have never had a problem jerking girls around either, and as you said, women are quite capable of it too.

  38. Exactly, you are right, Sammie. As to the straight guys- they at least sleep with you, and even if it turns out to be a jerk..you still have something to remember..at least good sex time. With my man- being so emotionally involved- no sex, except of one attempt i described earlier. So i understand girls’ frustration, as emotional love is connected to physical, not to say that girls do question their attractivess searching to find reasons why they are not desired. Once again, Sammie, i do respect all people. And gay men who reveal their sexual orientation, i have nothing against them, those ones who cover it- i guess they can be placed in Jerks compartment, as they sleep not with other women, but other men, the concept is the same. So indeed, why are we so angry with them? as i mentioned before- i felt as much pain when found out that my husband cheated on me..It\s just that my understanding was – all my life- that gay men have no interest in women, well, friends may be, but no games..luring you in, making you fall in love.. i guess they just enjoy the game, just like any other guy,, except that a straight guy finally sleeps with you and dumps you,, then this one- leaves you in suspense

  39. Exactly, you are right, Sammie. As to the straight guys- they at least sleep with you, and even if it turns out to be a jerk..you still have something to remember..at least good sex time. With my man- being so emotionally involved- no sex, except of one attempt i described earlier. So i understand girls’ frustration, as emotional love is connected to physical, not to say that girls do question their attractivess searching to find reasons why they are not desired. Once again, Sammie, i do respect all people. And gay men who reveal their sexual orientation, i have nothing against them, those ones who cover it- i guess they can be placed in Jerks compartment, as they sleep not with other women, but other men, the concept is the same. So indeed, why are we so angry with them? as i mentioned before- i felt as much pain when found out that my husband cheated on me..It\s just that my understanding was – all my life- that gay men have no interest in women, well, friends may be, but no games..luring you in, making you fall in love.. i guess they just enjoy the game, just like any other guy,, except that a straight guy finally sleeps with you and dumps you,, then this one- leaves you in suspense

  40. Dude, there’s no helping you cause you want nothing more than to blame someone for something he’s not responsible for. He didn’t make you do anything, and he doesn’t owe you anything. You’re no better than straight men who feel they’re owed something by “teases” when all those “teases” did was be their usual nice selves.

    Good luck with your issues. And trust me, the one with issues here is you, not him.

  41. as to my situation, i did as you were advising, i discussed his actions with him,,and yes, once again he confirmed that he doesnt take any action in my regard- because of our situation= We work together. \he cant date me- as they will fire him. Secret relationship is not possible, as people will still find out. Secret sex- is wrong, he doesnt want to put the relationship in this frame. At the same time- he doesnt ask me to leave this job anymore- as i should think about my children- it is 9-5 job. So we are friends until the situation changes. I guess you are right Sammie, it was probably easier for me to let go of him thinking that he is gay. (although he avoided intimacy with me, when any other man wouldnt- so it made me think he might be gay.)

  42. Well, Sammie, quite interesting what you are saying. I dont think that a tease is being equal to nice. A tease- is a player who makes hidden subtle promises of possible whatever.. I am quite flirty with men myself,, but i dont induce them into divorcing their wives, there are limits and boundairies i would not cross. With my man- i think he is responsible and should be responsible for his actions.I could play games with him without divorcing my husband and hurting my children so much.Then he made it clear- that there are 2 obstacles which hold us back from being together- i am married and we work together. It is subtle manipulation- he just did not say it loud- divorce your husband and find another job, but it doesnt make it less of a manipulation.

  43. If that’s really the case, then guess what? He’s straight, he’s a jerk regardless of how authentic his interest is, and he’s still not responsible for anything you do or don’t. Personally, he sounds like he’s having fun on his own perverted way, and you’re best off treating any of his advances as his way of entertaining himself, something worthy only of your disdain.

    Also, when I said “tease”, I meant that they weren’t really teases at all, simply perceived that way by the men reading into their actions.

  44. My thing now is getting over loving this gay man. We are soul mates..he even said so. He said so many things a straight man would say to a woman. He has gotten me so confused. He said he wants a lifelong commitment with me, but it would not be sexual.
    What do I do? He is a great person..he makes me laugh, we have fun times, we can talk about anything, he is intelligent and a professional, etc. The list could go on and on. The only thing I don’t get from him is physical intimacy. Sometimes hugs and he said he would be okay with hand holding????
    What to do???

  45. lol Blessed Peace

    @Dee: Be a big girl and take some responsibility for your own life. If you need intimacy then the relationship won’t work out. You two may just be such great friends, but you need to make a decision even if you risk your friendship. He himself could feel confused or afraid of his own sexuality. There isn’t going to be a third option here where you get everything you want. Be a supportive and loving friend, but let him know that such a relationship isn’t right for you.

  46. I know it’s been said more than enough times, but I’m really glad I found this thread.

    I’ve known my GBF for almost 3 years….we’ve gotten really close the past year and half. We see each other almost everyday, talk all the time, etc etc. We finish each others sentences pretty often, and we usually know what the other is thinking.
    He stated from the get go that he is openly gay, and I never intended on falling for him at all, I guess it’s just something that’s happened within the past 6 months or so.
    We tell each other that we love each other all the time, but he has no idea the way that I truly mean it. I make it a point to him to not be overly flirty or touchy with him, because I don’t want to even give him the slightest idea of my feelings.
    But now I’ve fallen for him pretty hard, and I don’t know what to do? I’m not sure how long I can hold this in but I also don’t want to ruin our friendship. It’s truly special to me and I’ve never been so close with anyone.
    Any advice is greatly appreciated.

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