She’s Losing Friends, Due To Her Aggression


I recently grew aware of how bad I was behaving, and I’ve been told some aspects of my charts do explain some. But I need advice to “cool it down” since to me I’m just a bubbly easy going girl and it’s all these other people that keep on telling me I’m actually awfully aggressive. But I don’t do it on purpose. I don’t even notice I’m acting this way so I have no idea how to get better. I’ve lost a lot of my friends over the last year, people tell me I’m getting even worse I don’t know why or how, I really need all the advice I can get!

Losing Friends

Hi, Losing.

I feel for you in your situation, because I’ve experienced this myself. I will never forget the day someone, who routinely talked to multi-millionaire business leaders, told me that he was scared to death to get on the phone with me.

At the time, I didn’t know what he was talking about.  I’m Italian, I swear, I’m from a loud family.  All these things were normal to me.

After this man told me how difficult I was, I asked others if they agreed with him. They did, universally. I thought what you thought – how can I fix something I can’t see?

The whole world is rarely wrong so I forced myself to try to work on this. I tried to talk slower, listen more and swear less.

Over time, I learned how words can cut like a knife. I also learned that it’s not necessary or desirable to be obnoxious.

As for your chart, you’re a double Sagittarius, with a 9th house Aries Moon. You have Mercury in Sagittarius and Mars in Virgo square Jupiter in Sagittarius.

With a chart like this, challenging people with aggressive speech, and pushing your beliefs would come naturally.  It’s no wonder you’re not aware of this. Here’s another story:

Years ago, I wrote on a large astrology mailing list. This was before everyone had a digital camera so no one knew what anyone looked like.  Eventually, we figured out how to get our pictures online. I sent mine to be scanned and posted.

I chose a pretty picture. It was super-feminine, to the point of being demure. I was Libra’d out, wearing a dress with an off-the-shoulder neckline!
People could not believe it. Numerous people told me they had assumed, by my writing, that I looked like a Mack Truck. I was as shocked as they were.

You and are are just a bit too amped up get along with the masses.  We can either stream-roll everyone and everything in our path…or we can back off the throttle and have some friends.

After working on this for fifteen years, I’ve learned to be in a room and not command it. I don’t enjoy this, by the way. Constantly having to STFU does not come natural to me, and I doubt it ever will.

But I do keep my friends now. And there are other benefits to being conscious of how you come across…

This way of being is not a curse! It’s a gift and a curse.

For example, I started tending bar when I was fifteen years old. I just got behind the bar, the very first day, and took over. Knowing you have this kind of ability is a positive. If I walk into a crisis situation and I want to take over, I can!

Think about it. There  has been a shooting and you’re right there. This is when you want to call up your BIG voice.


So there’s the ticket.  Gain understanding, get control of yourself and ultimately use your ability when necessary or otherwise appropriate.

Good luck!

Have you ever stumbled on one of your blind spots? Were you able to address it?

Have a question? Ask here – please include your city or country. This keeps things interesting!

23 thoughts on “She’s Losing Friends, Due To Her Aggression”

  1. This is my year to look for mentors in the areas that I believe knowledge can really help me create the life I want. I am a want-to=be writer. Have been since I discovered books. At age 60 I joined a writer’s group and shyly critiqued others’ work and listened. I found a woman who liked that my approach was different from hers and wanted one-on-one critique sessions with me and we worked weekly on her book which is now being published YEA! And over the course of the year we worked together, we talked and she pulled a story out of me that we are now co-writing.I have the emotion and she has the technique.

    I say all this because that is how I have been reading your blog. Listening – to you, to your subscribers. Once in a while commenting but trying to learn astrology from a different perspective than I have over the past 30 years. This article and this particular woman’s question and your answer hits home. I’m completely different. Very Librian and feminine (4 planets), very imaginative (7th house Pisces moon), a bit stand offish (Virgo rising) but curious and passionate in a slow boil sort of way (Sag Sun, squaring said rising and moon). Because of you I can see it and try to use it to make my life what I want it to be, instead of feeling like a pie in the sky dreamer.

  2. Blind spots? I don’t have any blind spots!

    lol JK. I have 7 of 10 planets in the first and fifth houses. I feel like that probably makes me automatically think things are all about me. My mother has always turned every conversation around to her. I became super super conscious of that when I was younger. At least in a face to face conversation I think I have conquered that.

    1. “Blind spots? I don’t have any blind spots!”

      I wanted to write about this…but the post was too long as it is. I was aware I was writing about myself, a lot. But I wanted to show how something can be so obvious and the person have no idea.

      But I have been on the other side of this, too. Ended relationships, when I have some kind of problem and a person won’t or can’t hear me.

      You really have no choice. It’s like having a friend who lies to you and others, constantly. You might tell them that lying bothers you, but it’s so normal to them, they don’t internalize what you’re saying. In all likelihood, the relationship is going to fizzle, eventually.

      You actually have to value a person to try to tell them something like this. When they can’t hear you, it’s painful. Because if they cared about you, like you do them they *would* hear you.

      It’s like an addiction. Relationships are lost or sacrifices, in order to continue to deny some element of your personality, you don’t want to hear about or consider.

      1. “You actually have to value a person to try to tell them something like this. When they can’t hear you, it’s painful. Because if they cared about you, like you do them they “would” hear you.”

        That really struck me because I hadn’t thought of it much in that way. To rise above wanting to be liked and telling the person the problem. That’s hard to do but valuable when they keep tripping up. And when they don’t, it hurts you, too.

  3. Yep. I feel this one like a ton of bricks. According to more than a few people I have anger issues. Anxiety issues. I’m aware of both but until recently I couldn’t figure out why my Capricorn ex-boyfriend was always telling me to grow up and watch my mouth. I’ve been studying our charts and finally the damn lights came on. He has a Taurus moon in the seventh house. Double Venus. Oh, and a Libra ascendant. I have Moon in Virgo in the first. I have truck driver trash talkin’ tendencies. I am trying to tone it down. My mom and ex-husband have reprimanded me countless times these past seven years for using obscene language around my son. Oh, and people say that I write “shock value” poetry. I’m not trying to shock anyone, I swear. I’m just sharing my truth.

  4. Yes! Thanks.
    “As many know, my sister is also an astrologer,we have both studied since we were pre-teen and she caught on to this Mars of mine, 25 years ago. Her exact words were, “Don’t let that shit back up on you.”

    Reminds me, I need to haul butt to Planet Fitness. I’m amped up on coffee. Moon in the first trining Mars in Capricorn in the fifth. Yeah. Gym is necessary.

  5. Guilty of mars! I never feel like I have asserted myself properly so then feel like I have to force my point. When I tell people I dont feel assertive they always blink curiously. And I cannot complete that idea of myself before I am reminded of how assertive I am. One of my coworkers once said “she goes straight for the juggular.” I was completely baffled by this. So I use the external as a message and have started working on it.
    Mars is in 7th house…I project my aggression. Mars in pisces tends to feel guilty, doesnt think it did enough and tries harder or dawadles in passivity only to blow later (mars-saturn). Saturn in Scorpio transiting my mars made me aware of any unskillful martian expression. I now strive to own my mars by owning the guilty feelings associated with going after what I really want. This has smoothed relations as I am learning to control myself enough to respond to the other without denying the floaty tendency and confusion. Mercury square mars= Assertive communication not slice dice and harm the other person. What wonders happen when the unconscious is brought to consciousness.

  6. Yes, many years ago I had to learn a very hard lesson (for me it was hard) to not express every thought and opinion I have and to sit down and stfu. I don’t have a lot of hard (squares) aspects in my natal chart.

    What I do have is a Sag ascendant, with Mercury, Sun, and Mars conjunct with a Sag venus (that conjuncts the sun and mars in that hot little stellium). BAM—even if I try to sneak into the room I never can. My mother always said she could walk into the house and just tell I was inside even without seeing me or hearing me. My husband has said the same too. I’m very quiet, and soft-spoken but it doesn’t matter where I am people just start talking to me. So what do I do now? I learned to listen. I learned not to give an opinion about something unless I’m asked for it directly. Because trust me I always have an opinion 🙂 hah!

    I agree Elsa it’s about harnessing and managing natal energy. Now, I know how to shot that energy with laser beam focus in certain situations and it has helped me immensely.

  7. I’ll add to this – yesterday some gal wrote me and pissed me off royally. She really tweaked me, quickly. I went off on her in way I haven’t done for…years.

    I had to think about it later – HAD TO – because I was sitting in mass for the Immaculate Conception. I was wondering if I could take communion, or if I had to go to confession for presumably blowing my top.

    I thought about it hard, and remarkably (since I err on the side of caution), I decided what I did was not a sin. Sometimes a person is justified in striking back at someone striking them.

    But here’s the point…

    I must be fairly successful at appearing more passive then I have in the past. Otherwise this woman would have never come at me the way she did.

    No one picks a fight with a Mack truck, right?

    I am still a Mack truck, however, I no longer roar around, unbeknownst to myself! 🙂

  8. I came to realize that the most important skill of social interaction is to keep silent. Sounds extreme? Let me explain.

    When I was a youngster I would speak my mind, argue and debate with whomever I happened to be speaking, irrespective of age, gender or rank. Of course, this earned me a reputation of a forthright loudmouth.

    Much later I realized that it is both foolish and unsafe to speak your mind in generic company. Why? Because whatever you say can be turned against you. You never know who will be listening – and what they think of you.

    I had to learn how to be a Scorpio and hide my thoughts and emotions from all but the closest friends and relations. This caused a sea change in my reputation: now everyone thinks of me as a pleasant, kind and interesting person. All I do is listen and ask the speaker to elaborate. Everyone is eager to talk to me.

    I had to realize that people are, in general, notoriously insecure. What to you and me appears to be normal, feisty tone to them sounds like something much worse. And as unfair as it is, it is worse for women than for men. A ‘loud’ woman is looked down on while a ‘loud’ man is perceived as confident and dominant.

    So learning to be quiet and keep your cool is a very valuable, albeit painful lesson.

  9. I had my annual work review yesterday and the only goal/objective she could come up with for next review time is, to be more social with staff. I’m more social with her and not with coworkers. I tend to filter quite a bit verbally. I told my boss that I’m not a water cooler talker. I’ve always leaned towards Cardinal signs; movers and shakers. My boss is a social Cancer (need to suss out her moon sign). I typically get misunderstood as most can’t follow my wavelength. My mind wants to be intellicually stimulated. Yes, I too have learned to listen…now boss lady wants something different. Ha! (:

  10. Here’s angle on this. Some people can really sing beautifully. It’s a talent, but you have no idea until they start singing.

    It’s not always appropriate to sing…

    So it makes sense, the ability to challenge oohs also a talent. We have courage, that’s for sure. But it’s not appropriate to constantly assert ourselves. A singer shuts up and lets others speak…

    1. Reminds me of this one night in the karaoke bar across the street from the Santa Cruz boardwalk. The deejay said he was going to have to cut me off. It was time for me to sit my ass down and let someone else rock the mic. I cannot sing but I think I can, especially when drunk.

  11. I soooooo understand. I once had,a therapist fire me as her client because my intensity and anger intimidated her. Hell yeah I was angry that’s why I sought the help of a therapist, geesh. LOL it’s funny to me now Sadge rising I tend to bluntly unapologetically tell it like it is. I am very aware of how very intimidating I can be which is compounded hilarious since I am a tiny little woman. Tiny like a stick of dynamite LOL

  12. Interesting topic. As a sensitive Cancerian I am hyper sensitive and was super shy as a kid. Mars in Pisces Neptune in 12th add to my passive sensitive side.

    My Sag north node and Moon, Sun in 9th and Jupiter Pluto together on MC tell a different story. I am told I have a BIG aura and people defer to me all the time. Speakers tend to focus on me during their talks… People know who I am even if i dont know them. I get noticed.

    The down side is I am often such a know it all in classes or discussions etc because i love learning so much that teachers avoid me as i madly wave my hand with the answer. Its taken me a while to figure out that such strong Jupiter Sag energy overwhlems people and I am trying to listen more and talk less.

  13. I have to figure out how I’m offending people left and right at work :/ That’s the current blind spot.

    I did used to be incredibly smothering, so I REALLY hold back with people now. So that’s one blind spot accounted for, at least.

  14. I agree Elsa- it is MUCH more admirable if you are appropriate and mindful with it. I love being a bold young woman. Feisty and dynamic, and I also associate it positively with my culture. Mexican instead of Italian in my case, but I love Italian culture it is so lively and energetic. Sometimes I feel like Im bursting at the seams trying to keep from being reactive and instead practice being responsive. It is not pleasant BEING, OR being around someone who is increasingly combative and abrasive. Not cute haha, also Saggi squared & Aries moon 🙂

  15. Ha ha! Great post. As I get older I feel more like this too. Sometimes I feel like I am one big blind spot. I don’t know if it’s because I have a 12th house sun? But no I don’t stumble on them ad much as I get a bit shocked over how people act around me sometimes after I have spoken and I am just being me. I am working on trying to figure out the pattern to address it.

  16. I think this relates to a heavy Pluto chart too (also with Mars in Virgo in 7th). I’m in my 50’s and still haven’t learned how to keep unconscious energies from repelling people. Makes for a lonely life. It seems no matter what I do to work on myself, I just can’t sustain (if I attract them) healthy relationships. I hear so much about people with lots of Pluto leading lonely lives, some by choice.

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