Should I Tell My Friend I’m In Love With Him?

Dear Elsa,

I have fallen in love with a close friend. From everything he does, it seems to me that he loves me back, or at least reciprocates the feelings in some measure. But most of what he says, seem to show that he is not interested. I am torn apart and don’t know what to believe, and what to say.

On one hand we can talk for 2 hours on the phone, telling each other incidents from our past, our beliefs, our values, our priorities. And in the same phone call he would say that the reason he doesn’t have a girlfriend is that he thinks it requires too much time and effort!

Now I am a very straight forward (though shy) type of person, and not much into all these mind games. It’s driving me crazy. I have indicated to him (through subtle hints…) that I fancy him. I am pretty sure he is intelligent enough to understand them. He doesn’t seem to be the type of person to play with anyone’s heart. And yet he neither takes a step back (like reduce the frequency/time of calls) nor a step forward (like ask me out on a date). This is what I find most maddening.

I have considered telling him about how I feel, but somehow something always happens which makes me change my mind. Its hard to explain. Pleaaaaaase help Elsa, I don’t know what’s going on here. I don’t even know what to ask of you, except the nebulous word ‘help’

Sign me,
Torn Apart

Dear Torn,

I really don’t think he’s playing games with you. I think he is telling you the exact truth about who he is and what he wants. Obviously he likes talking to you and so long as you remain willing, I am sure this will continue. But he is very clear how he feels about a “relationship”.

Not everyone wants to be in a relationship. This is very important to understand. Maintaining a love relationship, that is having a boyfriend / girlfriend takes a tremendous amount of energy and not everyone wants this kind of commitment or responsibility. And this guy sounds like he is one of those people. And I imagine the reason you have not told him how you feel, and that you want more, is because he’s made it very clear he does not, so you are almost sure to be rejected.

Now I am sorry about this, but understanding it liberates you. This guy is not going to be your boyfriend. Not now and probably not ever. So do you want to keep talking to him? If so, carry on. But realize the relationship is limited. Just pretend you are talking to a gay man, for example. This person is not available to you. Do you still want to talk?

Because he wants to talk to you. And I want you to note this, because you have a lot of Capricorn which is ultra-sensitive to rejection. This man is not rejecting you, personally. He is rejecting “boyfriend-hood” in general, which is certainly within his rights to do.

Good luck.

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