The Introvert’s Struggle To Be Social

introvert-buttonThere’s an introvert in my everyday life. He’s dealing with difficult transits. It’s an agony to watch him struggle and suffer. He’s specifically being pressured to be an extrovert. He’s got a responsibility that requires him to become or act more social that he really is.

I hate seeing this, because it’s virtually impossible to help him.  If I offer help, this will require him to be social with me!

Seeing him maxed out when it comes to dealing with a slew of other people’s personalities, I don’t want to add mine to the mix. It seems the best I can do is defend him behind the scenes and not require him to interact with me.

Generally, introversion is shown in a natal chart when most of a person’s planets fall beneath the horizon.

Have you ever been in a situation like this, from any angle? Are you an introvert? Extrovert? How does this show in your chart?

53 thoughts on “The Introvert’s Struggle To Be Social”

  1. I think I’m more of an introvert, but maybe it is shyness and not constitutional introversion.
    Perhaps due to Sun, Saturn, Pluto opposite my Moon? (Insecurity) Or Mars in Libra? (Not very aggressive)
    The times I have needed to be extrovert was more like being on “display”: presentations for my job, but this was rarely (thank gods) in a large audience.
    The badge really made me laugh! I don’t know if I’d have the nerve to actually wear this. Would make a great conversation-starter though.
    And THEN, get awkward!

  2. I believe that I’m and an Extrovert but really in truth I’m not all that sure if I am or not. I’m a Scorpio with an Aquarian rising and an opposing Moon I love people and enjoy being with people as long as I never have to do any kind of public speaking. I have been a people watcher for a very very long time. My husband is an Aries with a Leo rising and a Sagittarius Moon he also has a loaded 8th house. He tells great stories and jokes is a fantastic public speaker if you can get him out of the house. Not really sure which we are.

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    I am a hybrid- I become an instant introvert around intrusive pushy people and control freaks, more extroverted when I’m with comfortable with who’s around. Kind of a reactive chameleon.

    1. That’s my experience. The extrovert knows how to play the numbers of a social audience never really exposing a truly sensitive spot. Like an actor orchestrating a play with everyone in masks. Recently this has become personally a profound realization and the wisdom of when the mask is on and when it’s safe to be more personal, more ackward, vulnerable.

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    Shannon Lambert

    Gemini sun/rising, Sagittarius moon in the 7th. Extrovert all the way.

    That said it hurts when I see friends in positions like this – and there is some pressure on introverts in certain positions to be more outgoing. They can’t do that any more than I can stop talking to interesting strangers, you know?

    Good luck to your friend.

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    I am sorry your friend is so uncomfortable and under so much pressure to do what isn’t natural for him while being scrutinized. It’s so stressful and a terrible feeling. Wish him the ability to somehow adapt until it passes.

  6. Being an introvert myself, I understand this person’s concerns. It’s actually great to have people who’re attuned to nuance…so they’d know when to give me a break!

  7. I feel for your friend! Is there a quiet way you could let him know you support him? An attaboy might really help him. By email? Or an anonymous note tucked under his windshield wiper?

    I am more introverted than ever lately, but natal aspects:: Saturn in Virgo opposing Sun in Pisces, Pluto conjunct Moon in the 8th, Neptune opposing Mars, Uranus in the 7th … in fact all aspects seem to underline this. As do transits and progressions.

    Still, sometimes there are things more important than hiding out and staying safe. If he is doing this public activity out of a commitment to something he cares about, hooray for his courage!

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      I was thinking that too, aspire. A note is a much gentler way of communicating and would give the person a chance to respond or not at his own pace without feeling overwhelmed by having to socialize against his will.

      1. Yes, I’m doing everything I can think of to lighten the load.
        1. Defending him behind the scenes
        2. Quietly doing some of his work to alleviate his burden
        3. Not asking anything of him, or even making much eye contact. I’m trying to be a person he does not have to worry about.

        My husband has emailed…to tell him that sometimes when you’re on the front line, you forget there is an entire battalion behind you, not yet fully engaged.

        He told him he would fight for him, anyone, any time, anywhere.

        We really don’t like what’s happening.

        On the astrology, I think it will ease up, post his birthday. But I also think he’s got at least another six months to be dogged.

  8. All of my planets but one (Jupiter just above the DESC) are in the Northern Hemisphere and I have a lot of Earth and Water. My Moon is in the 4th in Scorpio, I’m a Virgo ….buuuut then there is my LEO ASC and Venus in the first house. I guess I’ve got both sides. The first half of my life I was much more introverted. Every teacher I ever had as a child described me as, “shy and conscientious”. As I get older I am less so. I’ve learned (am still learning, really) to respect whichever part of me is in need the most. I credit a lot of coming out of my shell to living in Brazil, because Brazil in general is a country of extroverts. Life is one big get together, people are relaxed and they talk freely. Communication is life here. Community reigns. I’m still often out of my comfort zone (I’ve been here for six years already) but I know in my heart I’m working towards strengthening and learning a way of life that my soul yearns for. I knew it the first time I set foot in Brazil. I just never knew how painfully hard it would be and the billion times I wanted to give up. I try to tell my introverted, rooted and fixed self that the only constant in life is change. Security is an inside thing.

    I hope your friend finds his way and finds a way to cope with the stressful changes.

    1. I wonder how it is for an introvert to grow up in such a culture. Or if environment can influence it a lot… i crave this sort of community but am scared cause i protect myself against being outcast or mediocre by separating myself from the group

  9. My brother is the most extreme introvert-agoraphobic. He hasn’t worked a job in 20+ years, let his drivers license expire without renewal and dropped out of high school (even though his tested IQ is 141) so he has more excuses. He generally doesn’t even leave the house, he lives with my Mother who enables this ultimately self destructive behavior.

    1. I grew up as an introvert and although I’m not really an extrovert, I consider myself to have evolved. I think my upbringing contributed to my introvertness as my father suicided when I was 2-1/2 years old, my mother was overly sensitive and critical, and I became overly self-conscious around the age of 8 or 9. However, I give credit to my ex-husband who helped me see that I’m really no different from anyone else and through him I learned to process my thoughts differently. My point is that it is possible to change one’s viewpoint, and I’ve decided that I’m not weirder than anyone else. My mother, however, still holds tightly onto her own weirdness (because of past events I guess) and tries to project that onto me (as she did when I was younger), but I dodge it these days. Also, I use Yarrow Flower Essence.

    2. Oh no. Has he thought of learning programming or web design? Thats a way people of that background can get on their feet..

  10. I’m an introvert and extremely sensitive to other people’s energy. I’ve chosen occupations that support me rather than forcing me to be the opposite of who I am. I can feel your pain along with your friends. It would be like dropping off a non-swimmer in the middle of an ocean. The level of stress has to be off the charts. What areas in an astrology chart would one look at to find the introversion?

  11. I am an introvert. INFP. I actually have all my planets in the ninth tenth and eleventh houses. I read a book a while back that helped me accept my introversion and sensitivity called The Highly Sensitive Person.

    The only pain that lies in being an introvert is trying to be something you’re not. It’s a lot easier to accept yourself than it is to try to live up to some arbitrary societal ideal. Who decides what is ideal anyway?

    And really the only difference between an introvert and an extrovert is how we recharge our batteries. Introverts go inside and extroverts go outside. It doesn’t seem like such an affliction when it’s boiled down like that.

    And it’s absolutely not an affliction. It comes with a lot of benefits.

    1. Yeah, it sucks that introverts are so undervalued in our culture. It would be a much better world of introverts didn’t feel pressured to act like extroverts in order to feel like they are “normal” by our cultures standards. I mean, art and literature would not be what it is without introverts. I wish it was just OKAY to flow through my day not feeling obligated to talk to people of I don’t feel like it. Maybe I really would rather be reading or listening to music than listening to someone ramble surface nonsense. I like nuance not chatter.

    2. To me the best thing about introverts is they think before they speak 😉 and are often self reflective, creative,and observant.

  12. Scorpio/Gemini Rising. Lots of 8th house energy in my chart. INTJ. I can be extroverted, but then I need a LOT of recovery time afterward.

  13. I’m introverted and shy. I try to be “normal” but i blush nearly every time I’m talking to someone. I have a stellium in Leo squared by Scorpio in the 8th house. Also Pluto opposite my moon I think contributes to it too.

  14. I’m an extreme introvert. I love and need people but I get totally drained when I am in social situations for too long. I have to have some time to just go into my own head, my own space and day dream and just think. Of I don’t have this everyday I go literally crazy. I start feeling like I’m going to have a mental breakdown. I have both lights in Pisces in the 8th. Boy do I understand what it’s like.

  15. Your friend might find this helpful:
    Susan Cain’s life-altering book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.
    She also did a TED talk video (about 30 minutes long) on the same subject. It’s really worth watching.
    I wish I had the info she provides when was much younger.

  16. i’m also an introvert. I just get really drained and I shut off if i’m at a party. I have this bubble around me because I get almost vertigo. I love to sit next to my husband and cling to him a lot but he is more extrovert than I am at a party. He’s a homebody but at a party he will socialize and be very very liked instantly. no one would guess he is so introverted. But me, i’m introvert all the way unless I have close people in my circle and I can laugh and be at ease and be happy. my 8th probably hits my 12th/trine 4th like a kite. I took speech 101 at college, one of my requirements and I was always so tongue tied, almost cried, shaking hands but I had to pass that class. weirdly I am a 1st houser too, so it is just strange.

  17. I think it really is more about energy. How do we charge our engines? Introverts get drained around too many people and charge their engines alone, in solitude, or with one or two close people. But, they can have really well developed social skills. Sorry about the transit. Maybe this is a chance to develop those people skills and recharge in-between as he can. As one with many planets in 12H Taurus & Merc 12H Aries, I empathize.

  18. I think introverts can be truly social… but they need to connect in a deep way with who they are connecting with. Nothing superficial. Real conversation. Nothing trivial. No pop culture. No gossip.

    I am not introverted. It just takes me shuffling through a million trivial and boring conversations before something is worth connecting over.

  19. I dont think society hates introverts. It just depends on making a judicious career choice i.e. i know of someone who writes cookbooks and ghostwrites in their own home. There are some jobs where you sit down, crank out the work, and go home. The only problem with us corporate culture for introverts is the higher you go up the more managerial your position gets.

    I think introverts need less alone time than me cause they can spend 24 hrs with a tight knit group of their closest people. Which makes me nauseous.

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      I have always said I would probably turn down any promotion if it meant I had to interact with people more. Fortunately few have seen me fit to promote in a corporate setting. Lol.

  20. (The above was more of a general comment on what some people are saying about introversion.)

    Most of my friends are introverts. We usually hang out one on one in intimate cafes and restaurants where we can hear each other talk.

    Im different from an introvert cause i want to go out into the world and see people sorta or go to events then go back to my shell where im comfortable. People better not infiltrate my shell. I am more of just a non libra. I dont get their thirst for cohabitation… but to an extent i do. I guess they just never fart :p

  21. I tend to get shy and constrained around people im attracted to or want to impress and even have trouble swallowing normally cause i guess it’s ‘uncouth.’ Dunno. Gonna have to get over that cause it means pushing away opportunity for my comfort cause i dont wanna ‘act right.’

  22. Yes, I can relate to this, despite being an extrovert. MBTI has been brought up, and I’m an ENFJ. That means I’m an extrovert, but feel strongly and can take in a lot of information at once. I’m very tuned into general mood. So, being in a big group or meeting loads of people can be trying on me emotionally, if there’s some tension. Working in customer service was not a joke, for me. Especially since I didn’t always have symphatetic bosses.

    So, one piece of advice I’d give to an introvert in a similar situation is to set bounderies. Even if a person is naturally inclined to help people, it’s good to realize you don’t have to be on call 24/7. People who are required to be on call professionally aren’t. The rotation system doesn’t only guarantee there’s someone available for urgent need, but protects people working in these professions from burnout. It’s all right to take time off after intense socializing. Most of my work buddies did some individual sports, I’d go for a walk and read.

  23. Yes, I’m an introvert. It’s not as bad once you realize it is fine to be so. People are not so draining if you
    a) find ways to creatively release tension because of social interactions;
    b) train yourself to chat (Boy, it took me 10 years to be confident on phone and not always use the SMS function, though I always have to train what I want to say before I start a call. And I feel like a superhero afterwards. 😀 );
    c) embrace yourself as you are and don’t hate people because they think you are weird or haughty or whatever because you talk less.

  24. So I’ve tested introvert consistently over many years, am INFP. I’m in PR with focus in crisis communications for 30+ yrs; very people-intense including having to sense people’s thinking. I find I deeply need fully alone time for a periods at a time to restore myself. I don’t know the astrology; perhaps Cap Moon/Sat, but I have Leo Sun/Venus/Ur.; I think Merc Cancer in 1st almost 7 deg. from asc breaks that tie. I saw a lecture at a communications seminar by a neural/brain MD who studies this area; said he’d found that introverts tend to be physiologically more sensitive to stimuli than extroverts and so withdraw to turn down the inputs. That resonated with me. Interesting book: “Quiet, the power of introverts in world that can’t stop talking”. Anyway, Elsa, from my POV, your helping your friend by quieting his world / giving him space to find his own quiet has to be helpful.

  25. Wondering if he has any virgo. i have mars in virgo which they say is pretty biologically sensitive and need to work around nature. I can’t work in an air conditioned building and especially not under fleuro lights or too much electrosmog from phones etc. Wondering also if he has always been like this.Lots of stress around now, great you are doing all you can to be low maintenance for him.

      1. Oh boy.
        Elsa, Is there a possibility that your husband might invite him to your home, for a meal after his workday ends? Like once a week (or oftener.. maybe, every single work day, until things shift somehow)?
        Mercury-ruled Moons, and earth sign Moons, are what I’m contemplating, thinking what has worked, concretely, for people I’ve encountered/loved. 🙁

        1. He wants to be alone. He wants to read and think so I think this would makes things worse, not better. This is the problem he’s having. Too many people pulling him in too many directions. 🙂

          1. Someone cooks for him, already? In your home, no reading at the table? (my mind boggles, asking that)
            He’s young? Overly polite? I would get him to your home, once, for a meal, and your husband read at the table in front of him, as an example.. You know, finger as a bookmark, as required. Gaahh

      2. My thinking is, he needs to decompress, on a daily and weekly – both – schedule. Because burnout is a real thing, and so very much not in any way salutory.
        Courage, to all of you.

  26. Hmmm…I also pretty much disagree that introverts don’t like to go to events and be around lots people. I love events as long as social interaction is on my own terms. Like where I can escape some interaction quickly if need be. I love concerts, festivals, parades…I love this kind of stuff actually. Crowds don’t bother me at all. On the other hand, when I’m more or less forced by social obligation to talk to strangers or aquintances my energy quickly starts draining just like a battery would until it’s empty and I feel my insides and brain start to figuratively dry out and erode because I’ve had to be outside myself giving away my energy too long. I like to be around people who go with the flow…other introverts I guess… I can spend infinite amounts of time doing activities with people who do not interupt my flow.

  27. Sagittarius sun, Mercury and Mars here… all in the 12th house. Sagittarius rising as well. Aquarius moon, as well as Saturn, and Saturn in the 1st. Venus in Scorpio. I’m very introverted and shy and reserved. Around the people I know very well and trust I show my true, wild colors in all their glory but it usually takes me a long time to get there… and conversely, the more time I spend alone, the more time I find myself needing to be around others and converse with them and share ideas. I get really lonely when I am isolated for too long. I have to find a balance.

  28. The best definition of introverts I’ve ever found is this: introverts tend to give energy to those around them & need to be alone, or in nature to recharge. ( thus the feeling exhausted at social gatherings)

    Extroverts tend to pick up the vibe of the room & get more intent as time wears on– truly the life of the party! If they are alone too long, they lose energy & focus.

    I’m an introvert ( Pisces sun) hubby is more extroverted. ( Scorpio sun) we’ve found this: I carefully pick what social events I think I can handle & encourage him to find other folks to go with to other ones. If I am overwhelmed, I’ll retreat to a quiet corner & text him to find me… & he will do that as soon as he can break free.

    If I am overwhelmed by work, or other obligations, he will suggest I go listen to music, or sew & he’ll do his own thing. Maybe you can suggest something quiet to your hubby that he loves? Sometimes that’s all I need… permission to be still, or a reminder to take care of me, when I’m overwhelmed with the outside world.

  29. Yes I have or am watching this kind of situation. The person has a mutable chart and mostly water influenced. They are hitting a very stressful time in their life – little work, an aging parent miles and miles away that he must go care for at least once a month to cordinate home care, shopping and get him to appointments. He cannot handle the encroaching over population in our area, has bills to pay and has no office work skills, though he is smart as a whip. So of course I try to offer solutions but he gets mad and tells me not to tell him what to do. So I watch him get more and more angry or depressed and can’t do a damn thing for him except bare witness and be a friend.

    1. I forgot to mention he is an introvert so won’t reach out and prefers to be alone also. I am also an amazing nyrovert (Virgo Moon) but my Jupiter in Libra lifts me up and out a bit. I so want to get him lot to get out of his worries but the world is literally painful for him to face right now.

  30. Whenever I’m trying to determine what to do (usually, to suit both another person and me, both) I try (Saturn) to imagine (Neptune combined with Mercury) what others have done, concretely, in similar circumstances. This makes me a combination of “traditional” (many peoples’ traditions, btw) and innovative. Actually, anything *unheard of* has existed somewhere, sometime. Only, some people don’t want to know it. Oh gosh.

  31. I’m an introvert but my chart screams extrovert. At first glance at least. I like people, but I like being alone more. 🙂
    That said, talking to a real, true friend will help an introvert, no matter how much he has to deal with people in everyday life. It’s not the so much the people, as the lack of a true connection. Introverts appreciate true connections and those do not happen in large groups and with abundance of people.

  32. An introvert. All of my planets are on the ‘left’ side of the chart (10th to 3rd house) and my personal planets are in the ‘lower left quarter’ (1st to 3rd house). No fire except Pluto in Leo.

    I have always avoided situations that required social exposure and I now think that this was a mistake.
    So, perhaps something good can come out as a result of this persons painful situation?

  33. Oy vey, eight planets below the horizon. Went out today for a long walk. I always have headaches after interacting with many people, today as well. It’s not dehydration, also had a hat for sun protection. So draining even if the interaction is positive. Headaches are not cool.

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