Trying to find my way back to the margins

Recently, I wrote somewhere about having become way too popular. I am having to become unpopular now, unfortunately. I just don’t like the costs that come with being “visible”. Basically, I’ve become the hot person to discuss or argue over. Oh my God, I can’t begin to tell you how uncomfortable this makes me. I have packed 8th house! 

Like a roach, I really can’t stand the blaring light. I can’t wait to find my way back to the margins where I belong. I am trying to think of the words to use as I methodically step down, step away, resign or whatever else I have to do, to get away.

What I want to say; what comes to me over and over, is that I am a marginal person and want to be on the margin of whatever. But I know that’s a misuse of that word.

My husband used to call it, “fringe”. I like that, but either of these terms, used as descriptors will provoke an argument. “You’re not marginal! Elsa thinks she belongs on the margin…”

It’s one of the reasons I want to get away. I just get so sick of people telling me who I am, missing by WAY more than a mile. I have tried many nice ways to communicate.  “Er…there is a reason I live in the country,” I say.

“This is more attention that I can take…”
“I feel overwhelmed…”
“I don’t want to be involved in…”
“I think you might misunderstand…”

For some reason, people can’t hear me. I don’t know why, but I do know the suffering is not worth the candle. I’ve got to bust a move back to my comfort zone…

I may just say that I am going to go be a dull boy. You know. I’m going to work. All work and no play, makes Johnny a dull boy…

I’m not really a dull boy, but if a person can’t understand the statements above, how in the world would they figure out anything else.

I am going to go to work. I am starting work on a super challenging class – let’s see if I can do it or die trying, okay?

There is no way I’ll be able to do it, if I spend an hour a day telling people they have me confused with some kind of socialite or person who likes to dink around.

I was talking to a friend the other day. “It’s very interesting,” she said.

“I know. Too bad I can’t tell anyone.”

I am tired of wasting my time on things that aren’t interesting. I want to take a Giant Step.

Who can relate?

35 thoughts on “Trying to find my way back to the margins”

  1. Me. It’s probably easier for me to stay in the fringes as much as I prefer, though – my Neptune is in 1st (not conjunct anything) & the aspects are trines & sextiles, except opposition to Mercury. So, most of the time, no one’s trying hard to pin a hologram on me (one friend, hasn’t noticed I’m not around as much as before, except when I say, “this, right now, is why”).
    Yesterday, when someone made a beeline to say, his eyes swirling, “I think I know you?” I said, What’s your name?… Well, __, I was just sitting here, before I go do a load of laundry, tidy up and go to bed early.” Boring worked. He walked away.

  2. When Saturn entered my 12th house, I wanted out of the spotlight (even more than usual). Did not want to hang around people much, but found myself with a constant lack of privacy. I would dream of running off and hiding out somewhere, maybe a mountain cabin. I did NOT want any position of responsibility or leadership. My social life dried up–I don’t have real-life friends anymore except through my husband. Now I don’t have Facebook either–got rid of that shortly after Saturn entered my 1st house. It’s like Saturn in the 12th clears the decks entirely so you can redefine yourself when it crosses your Ascendant.

  3. A family member I’ve probably become too enmeshed with the past year had a meltdown a few days ago and “broke up” with me. The harshest thing he seemed to think of hitting me with was critizing how solitary and “sheltered” I am. He meant to be wounding, but being solitary and private is something I value at this stage in my life. I need to manage a health condition but stay very busy with a freelance job, writing, and new interests. I know that spending time alone or in solitary pursuits is often regarded with suspicion by those who fear being alone. I think having a packed 8th or 12th house means you often have to deal with people’s projections toward you which can be draining to ward off or sort out.

    1. One of my sisters has a packed 12th house (in Taurus, to boot). She lives in the deep country and that’s where she seems happiest.

    2. anonymoushermit

      I hope that family member can open his mind. Some people are very Yang, and some people are very Yin. I have very close-minded family members, and it’s sad when they can’t see past their own noses. Well meaning, but very close-minded.

      1. Thanks for your response. There’s no hope of changing minds, and I’ve learned not to plead my case, explain my health concerns, or defend myself, just guard my energy and focus on what’s important for my work and goals now. I used to feel heavy grief at the finality of family ties ending forever, but now that I’ve realized these are no regenerative relations it’s much easier to let go. I’ve thought a lot about family and karma, I think sometimes you want to be incarnated for many reasons in a certain time and place and the family just comes with the territory. My mother had completely separate, different, and close relationships with all her kids, none of whom ever got close to each other. Aquarius mom!

  4. You don’t know why people can’t hear you? Then I tell you: Neptune. But actually I think that you knew that.
    I can well relate with being tired of wasting time on things that aren’t interesting. That’s why I don’t work as an astrologer as somebody had adviced me. Not that astrology wouldn’t be interesting, but the sevenhundredeightynineth customer who confuses it with sun sign horoscopes from magazines would make me run amok. And then always the same questions about finding a partner. So I’m somehow not living the life, that I’m supposed to live. This is hardly better. Loneliness is the least of my problems.
    Although: If I ran a blog, then I would expect some attention. The more the longer the blog is active.

    1. I am not talking about online life. It’s real life causing problems. I’ve gotten to involved. Getting looped into other people’s longstanding dramas and conflicts. Pick a side, basically. Uh. No.

      1. Ew. Drama. Conflicts. No reimbursement for the resulting headaches. Little wonder you want to scamper back to the fringes Elsa.. 8th housers need to recharge ?

  5. Elsa, it’s natural to want to retreat from public view when you need to focus your attention on a major issue, need to heal or are going through a metamorphosis. Could this be a Pluto transit as well as Saturn transiting the 12th?

    1. Yes! Saturn in the 11th – groups! I have worked in groups – committees, etc. It may be that I’ve become too sensitive as Saturn has entered my 12th.

      And yes, I do have a major issue. One thing plus the other adds up to social withdrawal to some extent. I want to stay connected. I just don’t want the burden of trying to navigate through or around decades old alliances or otherwise.

      I will try balance this so I am available if needed. You have your full time firemen and the fireman who are called in when there’s a large scale problem. I’m hoping to set up something like that.

      Saturn in the 12? I am going to work on this site, teach classes, do consultations, etc. It’s a prison, see? Isolation.

      1. I have Saturn in 12th conjuct Neptune and Asc. I have never liked to be in the view of others, via photos or any attention drawn towards me. I don’t feel as if I am in prison, but I have been perceived as if I am. I never really looked at my Saturn placement as anything but helpful for me to understand more of myself in my own solitude. Yes, my father was an alcoholic and he died around my Saturn return, so that definitely fits. I would suppose the prison aspect in my case would come from the restrictions I experienced from that relationship. It was not really a good one, but karma did have a play in this, I am certain. We apparently had much to work out from before so that I could discover my own strength. With my Virgo moon in the 11th, the difficulty appears for me because I ‘feel like’ I want to be more social, but something deep within keeps me solitary, which is more comfortable for me….or could it be buried fear of acceptance. Geesh, the 12th house is so deeply complicated. Thanks for your sharing insights as they are so appreciated by me to see another side of so many aspects. Good luck on your class. I am confident it will be great!

  6. Avatar

    Yes, I get this. As someone with mega-Scorp energy, I have had to pull back from high demand from work, because of needing to work through my motivations inside my heart. They have no clue what I’ve been going through internally… It’s inordinately painful. (Pluto transit with my moon, fun times lol) Also, it’s not their job to take care of me since they don’t know how it is for md, it’s my job.

    It’s so easy to get involved when others want you to listen and you have a “service” energy , but when it doesn’t make you happy and it doesn’t contribute and isn’t useful, you’ve gotta say, I think you guys can figure this out by yourselves. In fact, it’s better if you do, and not try to blame me. Thanks 😀

  7. Yes, Elsa I can relate, I have had this problem my whole adult life. (Aqua sun 9thH)
    When you read for me you pointed out I needed to re choose my “Perspective” on life as you saw this being my Jupiter conj Neptune 7th H placement. Plus a heap in the 8th incl Saturn. Taurus Ascendant.
    I came to the understanding for myself that I need to live a “Peripheral” life as an intelligent village Observer, not getting involved, because I’m frequently misused by people or become involved at a level I’m not comfortable at. I came to understand that I directly magnify others’ negatives sides of their personalities without meaning to. So yes, I relate to your post 100%.

    Here’s to living in the country, a quiet peaceable life and keeping out of everyone’s devouring ways.

  8. when baited to come to an opinion,batt your eyelids ,breathe deep, again,touch your wrists,they feel soft;these are my saving grace tools;the girl the woman the sensitive one yes she is drawn into the weave of society,but the eyes do they follow in?It is society on the whole or tiny town feel that drags on us.Caring i find instinct but the decoding and finding ones way back to the center,at times has a collateral debt feel.This is when faith taps your shoulder, breathe,now turn the music up .We all give,but do we give ourselves that peace,that tasty piece of peace.Hopefully there is a gear change between work and our inner peace.ok going to stop at coffee shop on my way to work, listen with a half smile ,grind gears(i drive a bus ,haha)and later
    i hope to take a walk or at least do my kind of stretching on my living room floor.
    i find your work a blessing ,for me, but i too have tiny wars and fires to fight when i least expect or want .i just batted my eyes at you

  9. Yeah, overexposure is not good. Too much of it just bleeds the exposed person. It pumps out time and energy and finally to what good? The bloodsuckers get gorged, then walk away to another “victim”. (Burp)
    It doesn’t always start out bad, is based on good intentions, but can get out of control. A one-way interaction, the more you give, the more they want and in the end everybody’s dissatisfied. They can even get mad at you!
    The fringe has much more benefits!!!

    1. Thank you Satsun!! That was a brilliant description of the icky pitfalls of celebrity and fame. People who often seek the spotlight are usually caught unaware of all it entails.

  10. Congratulations Elsa!!! Good for you for proclaiming your needs and taking the steps you need to take to fulfill them. I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to hear someone say “I DON’T want the spotlight!!!”. So many people want to rise, rise, rise, grow, grow, grow, they forget to integrate the learning and come back to who they really are to ground the new energies. I’m with you 100%. Please do all that you need to do to be true to you <3 <3 <3

  11. My old boss used to joke, “It’s hard to make a comeback when you’ve never gone anywhere.” I’m not surprised you’ve become in demand because you seem like a catalyst. Of course, I don’t really know you.

    1. Well it’s true. I have started all kinds of things, after deep consideration. Um…I spent an entire year on a committee before I spoke up other than to offer to help with something someone else was doing.

      The second year, I got to talking. A lot of things have come from it. I hate to become or be known as a quitter but as I said initially, the outlay of energy is disproportionate from the gain (personally or otherwise).

      If there is one thing I hate, it’s spinning my wheels. And then when something I initiated fails, because it’s been perverted along the way, people look to me.

      And I have to wear the shadow, unless I want to start blaming people which is no good either.

      So basically, I suggest, 1 and 2 and 3. It is turned into 17, 4 and 9…but my name is still attached.

      Well shit. I’d rather be a quitter than a failure, through no fault of my own.

      I mean, I may have some fault. I don’t do this 40 or 60 hours a week. I have a job, a business, a house, a garden, severe health problems and various other sundries. But it’s like I put a very nice seed in the ground…well thought out. Everyone likes it, every votes for it and then they proceed to twist on it, piss on it, pull it’s little branches off it…at which point it dies. And having gone through this over and over…well I’m weary.

      It’s not that I have not had some successes. I definitely have. But it’s like writing a book to sell 100 copies. If you know that’s what happens, you probably won’t write a second book. Unless you feel driven and I don’t.

      I DID feel driven, but it’s dissipated.

      Saturn changing houses…this blog will change too. Saturn is a BIG deal ’round here.

  12. Love that song! I can so relate. Some of us just can’t seem to be invisible, no matter how hard we try. Yet the universe seems to say, “If you can’t take the attention of being in the limelight, you’ll still get the attention — just some of it not as glowing.”
    Thanks for this post.

  13. “For some reason, people can’t hear me. I don’t know why, but I do know the suffering is not worth the candle.”
    From my experience, they really don’t want to hear you because its all about them! Not being snarky. Its their frame of reference. And if its not what they want or think, then the back and forth starts. That can suck the life out of you like nobody’s business.
    A friend said it best: They. Don’t. Care.
    It’s about their agenda.
    I’ve rehearsed a few lines to get out of that stuff. Its self preservation, otherwise it becomes mind numbing and exhausting.

    1. I have been having to wind my way through something like you describe for a couple of months now. Annoys me no end & gives me the irrits! The conversation always comes back to this person, about them, their opinion, they know best or they are always right/correct & when they cannot get their own way, throws a tantrum, gets belligerent or pouty! Your friend is correct. I’m learning to adopt that very attitude of “care factor = zero”, keep my mouth shut, not answer their emails or pick the damn phone every time they call & just let it go through to voicemail. I chuckle when I do get around to listening those ‘cos they always run out of time (3 mins of waffling self opinion is not enough!) Thanks for a clear post & the advice.

  14. That’s great! I always thought being marginal was a good thing, freedom but I called mentioned to my daughter maybe she was marginal like me she got really offended. All these years. Never knew.
    Bob Dylan does the change when he gets to popular at something. His impression art was doing really well a few years back and suddenly he switched to a type of OP Art.
    I think it wise your response, keep it fresh.

  15. Ya I get this. I remember feeling grief after I had my son. It took me a while to realize that when he was born, I had had to let go of him in a big way. When I was pregnant with him, it was so perfect. Only my influence. Now he’s vulnerable to the worlds influence and opinions.

    I think it’s the same with art, or ideas too. I know a lot of artists grieve when they’ve completed a work. Some musicians withdraw from the limelight when they feel the purity of their work is compromised. (Like Ann mentioned about bob Dylan). With ideas it they can be even more misunderstood and perverted for personal gain than a piece of art. Can you imagine how Jesus must feel when people kill or hate in his name? He knew what would happen too. But he did it anyway. (That’s another topic I guess).

    1. Also, I don’t like to work with a team, on creative things. Why would I ever compromise my perfect vision by opening it up to subjective criticism or seemingly helpful input. I know this is just plain stubbornness on my part but some things have to stood up for. It’s a pretty deeply held principle with me.
      (Not that my vision is more perfect than others btw).

  16. I actually view the label margin most positively. My daughter and I spent hours musing over marginalia, especially in illuminated manuscripts where certain notations were sometimes sly comments a few even disguised as characters. The margins of books are free zones, with a well defined area open for personal thoughts, expressions and comments. She would often search several copies of used school texts before purchasing, to see how the margins were inscribed before choosing to buy.

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