Dear Elsa,
I hail from a family of incestuous behavior and violent abuse. My brother and I got to be the “guinea pigs” so to speak. My sisters (for some odd reason) were spared the violent attacks but not the sexual abuse. No, I cannot say for sure that my brother was also perpetrated but he was into a lot of things that 9-10 year old boys don’t know about.
Anyway, all of us have not spoken to each other for nearly 20 years until November of 2005. My sisters wanted to reunite because they realized that our parents were “sick”. I was all for a reunion and welcomed them into my home.
During the many months of healing old wounds, my sister met a guy and they “fell in love”. They loved each other so much that they decided that they should marry and they did… 3 months later. My sister was kind of broke before she met her man and had to sell her home to pay off the mortgage. She made a good profit and bought another home with a smaller mortgage and embarked on a second career of flipping homes. Now, this man of hers works for the government and has a pretty good job… seemed he had it together… or not.
He just did not know how to save any of his hard earned bucks and so was lacking financial stability at the ripe old age of 40ish. My sister is a pretty frugal gal, except when distracted by large shiny objects and a mirror. So she bought herself the best wedding and honeymoon a credit card could buy. And that is all good and stuff except for one tiny little detail: she needed to borrow money from me.
Now everyone knows that I am broke as a joke. I stay at home to take care of my family, so my hubby is the “bread winner”. He has a little savings from the sale of some property in Europe so I am under the distinct impression that this is HIS money and not mine.
I asked my husband if he was feeling generous and he said not just no but “hell” no. I broke the bad news to my sister and she was upset (that self-portrait she had commissioned was still on “layaway”) and said that her man would share all that he had with her and she with him. Only trouble is her man doesn’t have a “pot to piss in”.
I told her how very sorry I was for not being in the position to loan her the money but that this was property he owned long before we were married so it was not my place to even ask him for the loan. My sister said her man would share whatever he had with her.
Well, ever since that day she has been rude and very distant in her tone with me. Because of a lot of things going on with my son, I was not able to make her wedding and this even made her more upset. My question is this. Does she have a right to be hurt or am I missing some red flag here?
Concerned and Confused
Dear Confused,
I think your sister has the right to feel hurt or any other way she pleases. But you did nothing wrong. The thing is: with families like yours, boundaries are often very weak. And this seems the situation here. Everybody is in everybody else’s business and nobody knows how to draw lines.
And this is frequently why families break apart the way yours did. People do it to survive. No one can seem to exist without falling into the very painful family stew so they amputate in the hopes of starting fresh and faring better. So now you’re back in and things are starting to constellate and I have some ideas that might help.
First, understand that your boundary was completely appropriate. And your Venus (money) Neptune (sacrifice) conjunction in Scorpio is a very leaky combination so I think you should be congratulated on managing to make it. And from here all you have to do is stick to guns… and hope.
Hope your sister runs through her emotions, which I am sure are complex. And hope she runs through her process whatever it may be, and she comes back to you in saner form. And there is agreement on all fronts I know of, how to best facilitate this which is nice because it makes it very simple.
The 12-steppers remind you to watch your side of the street. That means, keep yourself on track and leave others to do the same. And I have heard another analogy, about a well. Your whole family is in a well! They’re in there, man. And the idea is to get the fuck out of the well. Get yourself out!
And it’s virtually impossible to climb from the well if you keep reaching back in to grab the hands of family members in an attempt to pull them up when they do not want to go. Never mind, half of them want to pull you back in. So no! You’ve got to get yourself out and on to solid ground before you can even think about throwing them a line or no one is going to get out of there!
So with this in mind, I’d advise you stand strong and leave your sister to figure it out.
Thanks for answering my question, Elsa. I agree. My sister has the right to feel any damned way she pleases. And I have the right to set boundaries without guilt.
Everything that you said made sense to me.
” with families like yours, boundaries are often very weak.” This is the very heart of the problem. Every boundary possible was crossed, penetrated, obliterated, annihilated, invaded and done so repeatedly throughout my childhood and teen years.
I can see how my siblings and I could lose sight of each other’s boundaries…..there were never any to begin with.
I have no fantasy of saving anybody. Everyone arrives in their own time and I am not, nor have I ever been, “Father Time”.
As far as my Venus/Neptune conjunction in Scorpio being leaky…well, that is an understatement. In these last 5 years I have been building a new boat as the last one had so many holes it sunk…and I am glad to be rid of my “leaky” Venus/Neptune boat!
You solved my dilemma, Elsa. It was not whether my sister had the right to be “hurt”. I see now that all I wanted to know was that it was totally okay to set boundaries…and it is more than okay. It is healthy.
Thank you, Elsa. There is always a love of your fellow human in your wisdom. In every single answer to a question that I have read on your blog page I have always felt (no matter how harsh some may think your answer) a love so strong for others that you could only honor them by being honest and direct.
Thanks again and many, many blessings to you and yours.
that q and a and her note to you are the best. really lovely. i am glad i read your page. i am enlightend every single time.
Came from a similar family. Analogy about the well really resonated, also remarks about boundaries spot on.
Jamie,
Bravo! It seems you have made a lasting committment to yourself, your heart, your boundaries, and your healing. Your rockin’! Kinda makes me think of my own little well…and a big thanks to you for sharing. It is so encouraging to hear of other folks making lasting decisions about their own well-being.
I am sending you as much light and good vibes as I can! And you too, Elsa. I’ve got tons to spare!
Thanks, Christine, for the good Vibes and light!
That was no problem to share. EVERYONE has a horror story ( I think ) and we can all learn something from each other. I even shared my story on global talk radio! So I am very okay with my childhood and harbor no ill feelings for anyone in my family. We had a part to play in each other’s lives for the purpose of spiritual growth and I could not thank my family enough for giving setting me on that path.
Maybe everyone’s “well” is their path to spiritual enlightenment? As long as we know how to climb out of it.
Hope your “well” is not too deep and you find your way up and out in no time, Christine and October 7.
I’m very sorry about you and your sister. I have the same poblem to with my siblg. But I am not going to worry asbout it anymore. I feel that I am a failure too. Because of my sibling
Hi, Jenna…..I just read your post on this 18th day of December and what I find astonishing is that you posted on my birthday! November 26th!
Ahhh…..the synchronicity of life.
I am sorry to hear about you and your sibling. I am wondering why you are feeling like a failure? If your situation is similar to my own then you must realize that there is nothing that you can do except love them with boundaries.
I do not feel I am a failure to her since writing to Elsa and realize more than ever that we can only fail each other if we continue to perpetuate dysfunctional behaviors.
I wish you peace and the ability “to be true to thine ownself” without the guilt.