Dear Elsa,
I’ve been married only one year, and my husband is addicted to porn and has anger issues. He’s always lashing out at me. He has drastic mood swings. He goes from being the most wonderful loving guy in the world to being completely non-respondent.He keeps telling me he is erasing all of the porn from his computer. And then he picks a fight with me to use it as an excuse as to why he went back to the porn. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore so I left!! I’ve tried to help him, only to have him him throw the blame off on me. I’m his 3rd marriage. And I have had it, even though we have a 4 month old together.
I feel so much happier and better now. Things are going good. And I don’t have to deal with all of his sicknesses anymore. Well, now he is begging me back. He wants to go to counseling, he is taking anger management classes, and he looking into getting help for his sexual addiction. He is pleading with me telling me I am the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and he now sees how screwed up his life and he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life this way.
What should I do?
Virgo
United States
Dear Virgo,
You’re happy and I think you should try to stay that way. It sounds as if your husband has problems that are profound and pervasive and I don’t think there is anything you can do to help him with them, except maybe stay away.
I think it’s great your husband says he wants to work on his issues… but talk and do are two different things. If he wants you back, let him make a significant investment in his recovery. Not just his addiction and his anger, but what’s up with these mood swings, hmm?
It’s fairly apparent that your husband has multiple problems that are deeply rooted… perhaps they are organic, and your being in the picture only serves to confuse and complicate it. So I would recommend you stay on the path you’re on. You’re happy, right!! Stay that way. This is best for you, best for your baby and ultimately it is best for him.
And if he goes six months or a year without his porn, his blaming, his anger, his whatever… then maybe you can think about re-attaching. But to be honest, I really doubt you’ll want to. Because father of your child or not, what’s this guy got to offer anyway? Not much. I think you’ll have a much better life without him and in fact this is already happening.
Good luck,
Elsa
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He sounds like an old boyfriend of mine. Great guy, in so many ways, the most wonderful compatible, funny, attentive, etc. guy.
But he won’t lose these addictions, unless there is something else about him that isn’t coming out in this story. He’s always had them and he always will. He might agree to go to a therapist, and you support him, and then the next thing you know, you’re doing his laundry and you find 5 different prescription pill bottles from 5 different therapists in his 5 different pairs of pants pockets, and you wonder why he’s been a bit out of it lately, and he says he’s just depressed?
LOSE HIM. You will feel such a sense of relief and you will also come to your senses incredibly quickly. You won’t miss him and you don’t need him.
A woman from an abuse prevention center came to my college last Thursday, I believe, and said something that I think might help. People who abuse or annoy their spouses through bouts of anger depend on their forgetting all about it and coming back, then guess what: the thing happens again! Does he accuse or blame you? Are his moods unpredictable as those of an angry person are? It seems that way. It’s a matter of whether or not you want to see if the cycle completes itself and it sounds as if you want to break free from someone who is going to pull you down and perhaps even more seriously than just lashing out at you. And you’ve done it. Which is hard for so many people including the ones that I have observed approaching Elsa. You left. Which is such a big deal and so difficult to do. You yourself observe that this guy has a hang up, in fact some relatively serious and dangerous baggage. Do you want to go through with it again? Oh man, I hope you don’t come back to this guy because one thing I myself hate a lot is being trapped by someone and getting caught in a rut.
“I feel so much happier and better now. Things are going good. And I don’t have to deal with all of his sicknesses anymore.”
Well done! This is huge! Don’t lose it!
Your child needs a stable and healthy environment. You have made that happen. Don’t gamble with it.
Your child’s well-being comes first.
“I feel so much happier and better now”
Of course he wants you back! You’ve got some sense and have your shit together. Of course you’re the best ‘thing’ that’s ever happened to him. By the way, they (and y’all know I mean emotional-abusers) all say that. Every last damn one of them.
Congrats on moving on.
I went through it. Have 3 young kids, left him over a year ago, came back and it’s worse. He
seemed to have been fixed for a few months and
then he couldn’t hide it anymore. The blaming,
accusing, emotional abuse, going out to strip
clubs on a monthly basis and not coming home
at night, sometimes 2 or 3 days at a time.
The porn got worse, trying to have me watch it,
etc. They never change, I feel I’m in a prison.
Stay away, no turning back. You will be able to
look back on it and be grateful. Your responsible
for you and your child’s well-being not his. You
can’t fix him and you shouldn’t have to feel that
way.
Heal, move on and maybe someday you’ll find someone you will truly love and they will cherish you in return. All things are possible.
I think this is a post from a long time ago, are you still reading? What did you do? It is the kind of thing where I wouldn’t be surprised if it is two years later and the same pattern is happening. No offense. The patterns are hard to break. Speaking from experience.
Either way, these kinds of patters happen day after day, and it is almost as if it could all be the same letter. I just wrote a similar letter, and got a similar response, and decided to go ahead and wake up now.
I read the ‘sweet/sorry’ words this dude is using on you and it feel just like listening to a recording from my most recent ex and his addition issues and the cycle and pattern. The way he sets the tone for the relapse. The way they cycle into their self-pity party. This insane mad undeserved rage that they throw out into the home.
My ex was a real pain in the ass and and he kept me down and he would keep me down for the rest of my life if I would let it happen. One of the last times I stopped talking to him he e-mailed “I’ll save you a seat in hell.” That is how much these people really care about anyone but themselves; misery needs company.
This man who currently shows you this so called sweet side sounds like what my ex did for so long…I came to realize, he is a fairly good actor, but it is all just BS. He doesn’t even really believe it when he says it. Whatever your dude’s chart looks like, you may not get it. I didn’t see it all in my ex’s chart either.
Sometimes we just can’t figure everything out, you know? It is just like “this is what he does. It has been happening for so so so long. He does it, because this is what he does.”
I’ve been reading along and it seems that I’m the only man up in the mix, so be it. Hello, ladies. My name is Mu’Min Bey.
Although I’m never one to condone violence in a marriage, I have to say that I’m a bit wary of the story relayed. There are always two sides to every one, and the truth falls somewhere in between.
I’d like to suggest, since porn is at the center of this issue, that it, in and of itself, is *NOT* the problem. That’s right ladies, porn by itself, is not the problem. It does not make men more violent, etc. In fact, some of the sweetest, kindest men I know-one of whome can pick up where he left off w/at least a dozen ladies he’s dated-has enough porn to startup his own shop if he wanted to.
The issue wrt porn is simply, that most women have little understanding of Male Sexuality. And in the times in which we are living, it has been bad for men to healthy expressions of that sexuality. In the main, porn harms no one, and many women could learn a great deal about their men by taking the time out to find out what really turns him on. Its time well spent.
W/Pluto now in Capricorn, increasing awareness of the things I’m saying and other facets of Masculinity will be Society’s watchwords. Ladies, take heed.
Comments?
Salaam
Mu
Mu, That’s funny because what I glean from your comment is the exact opposite: That men — or at least you, representing them — must understand so very little about women’s sexuality.
NYCGirl,
W/o a doubt, a lot of guys are clueless about female sexuality, however I must say that our current societal environment is much more conducive toward understanding things in this regard. Afterall, there is no such film like What Men Really Want, right?
I maintain my previous position: most women have little if any understanding or interest in male sexuality. This is unfortunate, since it leads to unnesccesary unhappiness and worse in the lives of so many couples.
Salaam
Mu
As a personal perspective, I dont think women disengage from male sexuality as much as men NEVER BOTHERING to learn about female sexuality that pisses women off. Why is it a one way street?? The sad thing is there is a break down in our culture regarding whats good for the goose while indulging the behavior of the gander. Porn is about power. Men who solely rely on it because its emotionally safe.
Men who want only that kind of emotional safety do it because they feel they need to protect the feelings that have been hurt somewhere down the line. Thats what her ex has to work on. The issues of intimacy.