My friend, Yoko came over with her kids a couple days ago. She has three girls, age 8-16. This was the second time I met them.
I don’t know what they think of me. I guess they like me okay, but at one point I stood up, and I couldn’t walk.
Now I hustle pretty well. Not in a “can’t relax” kind of way. I can relax, but when there is something to do, I do it. And if you’re a guest and you ask me for something, I’ll get it for you. So I move around a lot and I move around easily, except for here recently.
So I got up and I couldn’t walk. All three girls looked dumb…or even horror-struck. It’s not really something I can explain. I’m not kidding. I have no actual explanation for this so I just said, “It’s okay. This happens, I’ll be okay.”
They looked relieved. They looked happy, even. I don’t know what they saw. But I imagine if I’d been around a person awhile and they stood up and stopped the way I must, I’d be scared. I’d be wondering if they were having a heart attack or a stroke, or perhaps just going to keel over dead.
It’s so unexpected, see? You’re not seen it before and something is clearly wrong. So if they tell you it’s okay, there has to be relief, followed by intense curiosity.
Now I don’t mean to be secretive, but I don’t fully understand not being able to walk. Because right before I couldn’t walk, I was walking without issues. So I didn’t want to try to go into this with these girls…and 8 year old? I knew if I stood and held onto something for a ten or thirty seconds, I could most likely hobble on my path..probably. And this is what happened. A few minutes later I could walk again.
On the witness, I also had a house guest. I talked to her about this after they’d left. “Those girls we’re shocked,” I said. “They’ve never seen that before. I am usually running all over the place.”
She said it was not just that. It’s that I don’t complain. I’m not whining or saying, poor me. She assured me this was strange.
Well I’ll tell you, I can’t imagine whining. It would not occur to me in a million years.
I guess I’m just trying to get things done. In this case I needed to get something from the kitchen. It was the task. It was the goal. And while I’d have liked to not have a problem, having a problem changes nothing,
I think this might be a Saturn Neptune thing. If you see me run around all the time and then I can’t walk, is it real?
It’s a good thing that I can’t walk often otherwise I would probably forget. I’d forget because it’s not what’s important to me. But I understand (because of the frequency and intensity) I have to make it important. But I’ll tell you this…
I don’t think I will ever be defined (Saturn) by a disability (Neptune). My individuality (Uranus) is just too pronounced, as is my life force (Sun).
I have no idea if this was discussed by Yoko and her daughters when they left, but if I was the mom? I’d tell my kids, “Yeah, she can’t walk but she ignores it and you can do the same. If she needs help, I’m sure she’ll ask. Elsa is not shy. She’s fine.”
Note on the pic -it’s from Morguefile.com. I searched “individual”. That’s what she looks like, huh?
I feel that many people have surrendered their individuality. Tragically.
Elsa, I have lived in Africa, had malaria three times, including one bout of the deadly cerebral malaria. Temporary paralysis is a signature of the stronger malarial meds. This is IN ADDITION to whatever you may be dealing with at whatever stage of lupus you are currently at. To get a clearer picture, you might need to talk with a tropical disease specialist who will know the down-low on malarial meds. DO NOT expect your regular doc to give you insight – he wouldn’t know malaria on a slide under a microscope. I myself had real paralysis for eight days after cerebral – the kind where you can’t stand up, and are carried by a strong gentleman in a place where there are no wheel chairs. Your intermittent paralysis may be a result of the meds – these are still good meds, and the paralysis is not a reason to discontinue. Hopefully this info will ease your mind and encourage further investigation.
That’s not it. I explained in the comments of the last post on this topic.
I haven’t given up my individuality elsa! I don’t mind being defined but that defintion is mine to make and no one else’s.
I don’t believe anything could hold you back or down Elsa. You are an individual, so are many of us but your will seems to be a great deal stronger than most of us. It is a wonderful character trait. You’re a real firecracker!
Thanks. I’m so happy right now. I’m just thrilled with an awful lot, is all I can say. 🙂
Strange as it might be, I get it, and thank you, Elsa. When you wrote about Yoko’s girls, before, they were important people in your world.. the very first visit. Aaah, I’m so very, very, very happy that you’ve landed.. exactly where you are, right now. Settle in, and take all the advantage it brings you, please -! Much love, from me, to you. 🙂
Wow Elsa, I had no idea you were planning this move for 8 years…that is a long time…so many people would have lost interest in the idea, or would have gotten impatient and moved before then.
It puts so much into a different perspective, thinking about it in that time frame. 8 years. Incredible.
Ugh posted in wrong entry!!!
No problem. I know what you’re talking about.
We planned it all, wrote it all down, including being in a position to send my son to college, if he chose to go. We signed the paper and each took a copy. 🙂
The not whining bit I see as a Colorado behavior. Having left there recently with an autoimmune issue the non whining,death reported only when sensationalized phenomena I view as connected. Oh so very Colorado. I thought it was just Boulder.
Cheryl, if you read my book (scroll to the bottom of the page), you’ll see it has nothing to do with Colorado at all, the least little bit! 🙂
I also have the can’t walk at times phenomena.
I must say that I love reading your blog entries, Elsa. I love the way you say that your Uranus won’t let your individuality be compromised. I like the fact that you refuse to be identified by your illness.
That is inspiring when it seems that problems just want to pile up and beat a person down. Reminds me of a movie quote, “Never give up; Never surrender!”
So far, my problems have not been able to keep up with me! 🙂
Chiron in aquarius. How many many times I thought it would be so so much easier if I was able to surrender my individuality. To feel like I am just like everybody else. I think that is a common feeling, there is nobody else like me, why can’t I be like everyone else. Have had this conversation with others who are aware of themselves as well. It has nothing to do with being with others. It’s sense of self. I think everyone is on their own and god bless those who are blessed with the sweet denial that they are not alone.