What Compels A Woman To Go After Another Woman’s Husband?

My husband and I crossed paths in the gym. He was getting started as I was winding up and I went over to see him on the mats before heading into the locker room.

All that Venus / Mars in Scorpio crotch stuff going on, never mind Venus squaring Neptune, I stood next to him, getting in his body space just a hair. I saw him blush and said some kind of innuendo which made him blush some more while I kept a straight face.

I filled him in on the doc and right before I left I blew on him with a big grin and he turned all kinds of red. Later he came home and I mentioned the episode…


“P, you shouldn’t talk to me in there. Women see you talking to me, they are going to be all over me – bothering me.”

“You think?”

“Hell yes! That’s how it works. Any woman who sees you interested is going to get interested herself and the last thing I need is a drove of women, bugging me when I’m trying to work out..”

And they say women aren’t predators.

Oddest thing, is I don’t relate at all. If I saw a women talking intimately with a man I would figure he was toast. You know. Taken. And at that point he may as well be a woman for all the attention he is going to get from me.

What compels a woman to go after another woman’s man?

30 thoughts on “What Compels A Woman To Go After Another Woman’s Husband?”

  1. I am with you Elsa. I don’t understand women like that. My husband doesn’t wear a ring and we have spoken about it. He says if he starts wearing one women will be all over him,lol. He told me that waaaay back in the day he tried and experiment and wore a wedding band and the women were hitting on him more. Weird! Why would anyone want someone elses man???

  2. It’s a social capital thing… the more desirable a person seems to society in general, the more people who weren’t that interested to begin with find themselves attracted…
    If a man is married the woman must have thought he’s pretty special, yeah? Couple that with the myth that all the good’uns are married and…
    Well, it’s not much of a mystery.

  3. I’m with Rob…I don’t think it’s a mystery.
    I also think that some people (men and women) see it as a harmless flirtation. Some kind of fodder to feed a fantasy.

  4. May I suggest that those women who go for a taken man have intimacy and/or commitment issues? They like the chase but don’t like to really “catch” what they are chasing. So they go for the taken guy, knowing that at best there’s the possibility of a quick romp without commitment, at worst, the chase goes on!

  5. I see what you mean Elsa.
    But I think it’s all relative, and not easilly subject to generalisations.
    Someboby that has REALLY been a victim, is not as sensitive has someone who just toyed with the concept for attention.
    There are issue of sensitivities here…kinda like those who seek sado-masochism for pleasure….throwing oneself on the knife may be pain for a sensitive, unabused type. For another who’s emotion are
    thoughened by abuse, it’s just “feeling something again”.
    It may also be, in answer to your “why” in the other post you refered me to: for some throwing themselves on the knife is a way to make sure not to get stabbed.
    I know, bizarre psychology, but that’s human psychology for ya!!
    Thanks Elsa
    Great blog!

  6. Oh! And I have said before some of them (men) are looking for a free dominatrix when they mess with me… conscious or otherwise!! Cripes, I am interested in this shit! I just want to go to the gym with messy hair, screw the man I want to screw and that’s about it right there. I want hear some music, maybe see a movie… admire my hair from time to time. ::snorts::

  7. They see something in the man they like is pretty simple enough. Perhaps with pheremones and auras the opposite sex sense something more about the person that a ring on a finger does not warn off. It is sexual in my estimation and we all emit pheremones and different kind of auras in our subconscious communications. Perhaps you have one hell of a sexy man Elsa.

    I know of times in my life when I have been happilly partnered, other woman seemed to come into my face, bend over in front of me, tip their loose top or follow me around the shop. In the presence of my partner too. Sometimes I wouldnt notice but my partner did. Perhaps it was a sexual thing that I emmitted unwittingly.

    I see that as Black Moon Lilith working in retrospect. Perhaps the woman sensed that my boundaries were penetrable, that I would be open to giving them some of what they saw in me? How can one regulate that sort of thing? Wearing a wedding ring doesnt seem to work.

    It can end up quite an egocentric belief that one has a kind of sexual power over some woman, that they are special in some way. Perhaps they are? Its hard to explain really. It certainly adds the element of risk and appeal in ones relationship when your partner senses that there is something special that other woman see in their man. Does the man squelch that part of himself or can trust be established and that specialness be loved by the other?

    kingsley

  8. That’s just so weird to me. I see a ring on a man (or even find out he has a steady) and *poof* he is invisible from here on out. I am probably the safest woman on the planet to have around your man. And I have never understood the pathology behind doing and being otherwise.

  9. What about the people who gravitate to taboo? i.e. they are so happy together, man I am so tempted to sabotage it. I agree with Rob. When the bond is intimate, it’s even bigger of a challenge. They think, I want a piece of that. Boy would it be fun to take her candy from her. I understand this as almost natural, I sabotage things almost unconsciously sometimes. A friend’s roommate brought us along on a quasi date of hers and I had to struggle not to do little subtle flirtatious behaviors and keep myself from speaking.

  10. that sounds like competition vs. cooperation. our society teaches us to cooperate superficially and compete under its cover.

    when people compete instead of cooperate we all lose. we can be the tide that raises all boats. or we can swamp each other.

  11. The day I take another (single) woman on a date with me (quasi or otherwise) will be the day the body snatchers get me!!

    P! Jealous and proud!

  12. “What about the people who gravitate to taboo?”

    …and there certainly are a lot of them.

    “I sabotage things almost unconsciously sometimes”

    thanks for your honesty Dina. When Pluto was conjunct my 12th House Neptune it was also trine my 8th House Saturn and 4th House Mars/Venus conjunction.
    My lessons were set out for me in that transit. All kinds of things of a sexual nature were brought to the front that were previously hidden (of course, this is 12th House Pluto).
    Kind of like having an internal boil that finally comes to the surface.

    I agree with all of the possibilities that everyone has suggested as reasons for the compulsion to set out after someone else’s partner.
    However there are many more besides this. I don’t know why I’ve been exposed to such a weird array of different experiences of human sexuality, but I have.

    It started out with the pastor (who told my mother she didn’t pray enough to enable ‘proper healing’ from sexual abuse) of our church (who got caught cross-dressing and with men) who was subsequently institutionalized and believe me…the older I get the more I am not astounded or shocked by the weirdness that is human sexuality and the impulses that it provkes.

  13. I am with you Elsa. Once at a movie with my guy we were joking around about him looking at another girl. I told him “I’ll scratch your eyes out!” lol He still gives me crap about that. hahah with cat noises and all.

  14. Dina, it’s complicated. I felt lost, and I started questioning the motives of everyone close to me. I had a hard time separating negative thoughts from reality. A lot of it to do with sex, but also other things.
    The main thing is that I had to face head on all of the deep-rooted feelings of shame I held about sex. I mean, really deep rooted. It was excruciating. Thanks for asking though. I appreciate your intentions.

  15. I’ve been told that I “think like a man, not a woman”, so I don’t understand why this goes on. Then again, I (back in the day) could walk around and be totally oblivious to all the attention I was getting from men. Safe to say that I’m not interested in most men and the games they play.

    I WAS, however, involved in serious flirtations with two married men. Nothing eventually came of it (no sex, etc.), but both times, it had nothing to do with playing games with another woman. I didn’t know the first guy’s wife, and strangely enough, never even thought of him as married…but I stopped it, because the thought of busting up someone’s family made me feel like crap. The second guy? I didn’t like the wife, thought she was a bitch, etc., but I only got into this mess because I liked the guy. Wouldn’t have bothered if I didn’t feel a thing for him.

    I like the taboo and the unusual (Venus/Uranus/Pluto conjunct), but I have a code of ethics that kept me from doing serious damage to others (Leo…honor means everything!).

  16. I have never understood this crap. I can’t even have a minor crush on someone who’s taken without feeling squicked. Unless you (a) like guaranteed heartbreak, or (b) are such a commitmentphobe that you will only date married guys because they won’t ever, it makes no sense. (And really, it’s easy to find commitmentphobes to date that are single! You can throw a rock and hit ’em!)

  17. I have a hard time answering this but feel like I should say something anyway. I am now in a relationship with someone who I got together with before he left his wife. So I’m torn, because truly, I do see taken men as off-limits. I saw my boyfriend as very unapproachable until it became clear that he was very interested in me. And I have enough Venus-Neptune to believe in fated love and think that’s what happened to us. Not for one second did I feel good about what he was doing to his relationship with his wife. But the truth is I felt it was his responsibility. Whether you want to call that rationalization or any other thing, I felt like it was between the two of them. So here we are. I don’t feel like I ‘went after him’, but neither did I stay far away out of respect for his wife. And both of them seem to be much happier with the final outcome. The more important point here in Elsa’s question seems to be not the relationship between men and women, but between women and women. I’ve always been a woman close to my sisters and women friends and I don’t like predatory women and don’t feel comfortable flirting with that role. Yet now that I’m a single mom (and by single I mean that my boyfriend and I do not live together so in many instances I am a solo operating unit together with my son), I find that when I encounter married couples (parents of other little kids) the women seem to be threatened by me. I’m not sure if it’s me or society, but I believe everything that Satori said about cooperation and all boats rising.

  18. Shannon – same here. My best friend has avoided me and other female pals ever since her relationship with her boyfriend began a year ago. Interestingly, she’s replaced me with a clingy male friend. I’m not a flirt or a cheat by any definition, but apparently a threat of some kind regardless. It’s too bad, I miss her. Pluto transit sucks!

    Jennifer – me too. I wouldn’t touch a guy interested in someone else with a ten foot pole. Lacks class on every level. Ewww!

  19. Being a single woman for a long time, being around couples can be VERY tricky! Ages ago at a barbecue outdoors I was the only single person amongst about 6-7 couples. I don’t want any-one elses partner! However I did get in the shit with the women. I asked one husband about how I go about fixing my lawn mower. His wife didn’t that. Then I complimented the bloke who cooked our food all afternoon, my steak was cooked to perfection, his wife didn’t like that either.
    Can I talk to your husband about the mower, but you go home with him. OK?

  20. Maybe they flirt with married men for the same reason they hang out with gay men. It’s fun and an ego boost, yet feels “safe” and there’s no real pressure.

  21. I don’t think it’s about the men at all. I think they are trying to prove something to the woman. ‘You might think you have him, but I’ll show you..’ kind of thing.

  22. I have a friend who has been in a relationship with a married man for 9 years.She is a Capricorn and owns a restaurant..Works HARD everyday.
    She says it is best for her because she does not want to be his wife…(wash clothes ..p/u after him/blah blah)..does not have the time or energy for it

    I do not know the world out there has changed so much in regard to relationships…I cannot keep up!

    Maybe why I been single now for 23 years….

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