Self Destructive Women

Rob writes regarding Women Who Chase Other Women’s Men:

“It’s a social capital thing… the more desirable a person seems to society in general, the more people who weren’t that interested to begin with find themselves attracted…
If a man is married the woman must have thought he’s pretty special, yeah? Couple that with the myth that all the good’uns are married and…

Well, it’s not much of a mystery.”

Rob, I get that. But I’m talking about a man and a woman who are obviously intimately connected. At that point, it seems it would be something else. A challenge? A desire to be rejected so they can pine?

I think there are good number of people who have no interest in winning. Conscious or otherwise, they go right to the thing they are never going to get, because they’re self-destructive.

They’re like (emotional) suicide bombers. They’ are going to destroy themselves and if others get hurt, so what?

I am self-protective. That’s why this is so mysterious to me.

A better question might be: When some people see a knife, they throw themselves onto it. Why?

23 thoughts on “Self Destructive Women”

  1. I used to be like that, and I think it had a lot to do with my Mars&Venus/Saturn/Neptune trine.
    (4th/8th/12th Houses).
    I was caught in all kinds of weird situations, but going for people who weren’t interested was a big one. I woke up eventually, realized how much I loooooooved a challenge I wasn’t going to win.
    Why? Well some of us a masochists who don’t feel like we deserve to win anything. This could be my Cap Moon square Pluto, or my Taurus Sun square Saturn.
    I’m more prone to think it’s my Moon, though, possibly as it is in my 1st House and I feel like I’m “coming into being” every day of my life.

  2. Another thing… this happens in reverse as well. Look at this blog. Every other thing I write is about the man I am with and men STILL write me sniffing around. I am sorry but I think this is some kind of insanity / pathology.

  3. “some kind of insanity” yes I’d certainly agree with that.

    I never had the “so what if people get hurt” thing going on. But that’s because I was pursuing men who were married to drugs and/or alcohol…only myself to hurt which is preferable if you’re suffering from low self-worth.

    god thanks for reminding me that I am NOT like this any longer. self-evolution is your friend!!!

  4. I have witnessed two likely situations/explanations:

    1. competition: if I can get that woman’s man to want me/pay attention to me/fuck me then I win– wooo, I’m better than her. this is one of the few ways I can see value in myself.

    2. mommy/daddy issues: I’m going to steal daddy from mommy and replay my childhood crap by fucking up the lives of my stand-in mommy and daddy. and wow, if I can actually infiltrate to the extent that I can take mommy’s place, woah, I win! I’m good enough!

  5. I see where you’re going now. Some people will chase the unattainable because they look outward for the things they lack inward…

    If this person just loved them (or wanted them… or liked them…) they would be Special.

    They would be Complete. Happy. All of their problems are going to go away as soon as the object of their affection realises how beautiful, clever, interesting, etcetera the one pining after them is.

    It’s a lie, of course. And it’s sad that the West continues to perpetuate this…
    Lay the blame on consumerist culture, or whatever… the point is it’s not real, and anyone that believes it has bought into the myth.

    No one is special.

    With your 8th house/Scorpio emphasis, you’re obviously efficient at placing your energy where it matters. You want results. An exchange. You want to get what you paid for (more would be nice, but you realise that it probably won’t stick in the long run).

    Then there are people who want to be reminded just how worthless, unwanted, etcetera they are… they want to be victims. They want to fail. And this attempt at another’s man (or woman)? It’s just another arena to lose in.

  6. I must be naive, or live a very sheltered life. I have mostly thought that the woman who flirted with me when it is obvious that I am happily married did so because they felt safe that it would not lead to anything.

    I remember talking about this with my uncle once. He said something funny that has always stuck with me. He said ‘is it still flirting if she is sitting on your face?’ Of course he has always been the bad boy.

  7. “they felt safe that it would not lead to anything”

    I guarantee you that with either the soldier or I in the equation it WILL lead to something and something you probably aren’t gonna like. 😉

  8. Hey Hey, Gemini in the room! I would never think about going after someones man. Maybe because my sun is in the 12th possibly.hmmm

  9. Dina…

    One of the premises consumerism is based on is “Buy X and your life will be better…”. People are so used to this culture of consuming that they rarely stop to consider whether they really need, or even want, something – only that it is somehow going to make their life better than it already is. Things have gone beyond having any real value, and have instead become symbols of betterment…

    Do you really need to buy that DVD? Or that new house? That shirt that looks so good on you?
    Any arguments you might make for these things have been created as a way to increase demand for them. Sure, there are things you need, but 90-% of what is marketed is optional, if not downright trivial.

    In a consumer culture, these things begin to embody happiness, success, power, security… and anyone who has these things is automatically assumed to be better than others. And marketers push this angle.

    The Smiths are better, happier, more successful than you because they have… this… and this… and this…

    A lot of people born into this culture, which teaches you to look outside yourself for internal values, have started to apply this principle to their relationships, too.

    If only I had this person… or that person… or that person… (or…) I would be happy. If I have him or her I must be something special.


    Consumerism isn’t the only influence to blame here… But it’s probably one of the biggest.

  10. Rob, that’s an interesting analogy, I’m glad you elaborated because I think you just answered my question.

    I have always felt I was better off with less so no wonder I take a pass. This is not to say I don’t see tasty men out there because I sure as hell do. I just know it will jack up my life up (along with the lives of others) if I do anything so I don’t do anything.

    I also don’t buy cars and clothes I can’t afford and yeah. It’s for the same reason. I know it they make me happy.

  11. While I am certain there are people women who are operating purely in terms of screwing themselves up, I also know (for certain) that there are women who run a poaching strategy. The theory is, is if a man is already with a woman, he must be acceptable (and better than an untried single man), and therefore an optimal target for a relationship. That is, a man in a relationship is safe, not because things won’t happen but because he has a rabies innoculation tag.

    This suggests the counter-intuitive strategy for single men of wearing a wedding/engagement ring to help score dates.

    [‘Reports suggest this works.’]

  12. Avatar

    The timing on this question is amazing. I was just visiting my mother this weekend and we were discussing the marriage of one of my aunts to a man she’s had an off and on relationship for 18 years through a couple of wives of his etc.

    We can’t go to the wedding because we’re both afraid we’ll say something rude like calling him “Mr. Wandering Weinershnitzel”

    That led off into a discussion of fidelity in our culture. I said – my opinion- that it’s something that is allowed and condoned. If we, as women, taught our friends and daughters that that type of behavior was off limits and the men did the same for their sons then we’d see a whole lot less of that behavior.

  13. yeah, max, might work for single men to wear wedding bands, but would they want to hook up with the women it would attract? women who, for whatever reason (and i’m guessing there are many different ones) are interested in somebody else’s man? because there are many women who don’t and won’t do this, and i’m thinking these are the kind of women who are more likely to respect a man when he becomes theirs, too.

  14. oh by the way…my husband has had times where he’s worn a wedding band and not, for various reasons not related to how we’re getting along. he used to try to flash the wedding band when women were hitting on him (and it’s got to be like a sledge hammer to the head kind of hitting for him to even catch it, i’m thinking), and he said if anything, made it worse…

  15. yeah, max, might work for single men to wear wedding bands, but would they want to hook up with the women it would attract?

    Ah, but men who poach, tend to be after short-term relationships (like, say, one night).

    And there you go – the bad people wind up hooked up.


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