Why Does My Boyfriend Stay If He Doesn’t Love Me?

libraRelationships are front and center with Venus and Mars and Saturn in Libra so I thought I’d take on some of these communally asked questions as part of my series – tag – Love Tips.

A lot of women mistakenly believe a man has serious and authentic interest in her when his primary interest is in maintaining access to sex. Few want to be alone and if a woman is not too demanding, a man will most definitely hang around for sex and I can’t say that I blame him. After all, he’s horny and he’s got a consenting adult.

Most men, having been in trouble with women before will be very careful what they communicate to women in these situations but women don’t necessarily listen very carefully. Here are some tips:

If a man tells you he only want to be friends, that he is not ready for commitment, that he is not yet over a past relationship, these statements are all code for, “the odds I am going to marry you are virtually non-existent for reasons I am not going to disclose”.

Women hear these things and often imagine the statements to mean, if they try really, really hard, they can change this man’s mind. The odds they are are successful in this endeavor are extremely low. There is an old adage to keep in mind in these situations. “Work to get, work to keep.”

Men, when they are really interested in a women leave little doubt. They hone in and you see their Mars workin’ overtime.

Does your man leave you confused as to his intention?

20 thoughts on “Why Does My Boyfriend Stay If He Doesn’t Love Me?”

  1. No, but it took me some years to get here. It was never a matter of them not speaking up (in their own ways), but a matter of me not hearing it properly.

    Older and wiser, as they say – with help from you and some other wise folks.

  2. Oh yes, walking into a relationship with eyes half shut and ears half clogged…I know it well. It’s a quite a dance, but not very satisfying in the end.

  3. Avatar
    curious wanderer

    I too wish I would’ve known this years ago. I spent too much time in a relationship that was on life support. Wish I could remember off the top of my head what the ex’s Mars is.

    Sometimes guys don’t necessarily get the message either. I’ve been trying to shake a Venus/Neptune type, and I’ve explicitly told him several times I don’t want a relationship. Heh, don’t remember what his Mars is either.

  4. @Maureen:…lol! I am there with you! He is not “my Man” but yes he keeps things going with “I am don’t want to be involved with anyone” and yet stays involved to a degree with me. He is getting a divorce per request of his ex and now it is virutally an open playing field for him, but have no idea how he is going to handle this or if anything will change at all.

  5. Oh his Mars is in Virgo…in the 3rd so he works at his communication, but doesn’t go too deep with Gemini on the 12th and his Merc in Libra in the fifth.

  6. Thank you Elsa, this couldn’t be more timely.

    We had a big relationship talk as to where we’re headed, and he says he’d like to be important in my life, eventually turn into a physical relationship, but he added that he doesn’t see us married. It’s not like I’m anxious to get married, I’m only 20 and I can wait a decade for that. Then he said he doesn’t think of himself as the monogamous type. Tschh. Yeah. Like I’m going to put up with this.

    It took all my strength to not throw my drink at him at the restaurant and make a dramatic run for it (Leo rising anyone?). He’s a Leo with Venus in Virgo and Leo in Mars as well.

  7. “If a man tells you he only want to be friends, that he is not ready for commitment, that he is not yet over a past relationship, these statements are all code for, “the odds I am going to marry you are virtually non-existent for reasons I am not going to disclose”.

    YES YES YES and YES.

    My man doesn’t leave me confused.

    My ex and I had me scratching my head a lot but I blame our Neptune/Mercury in synastry. We both did a lot of ball, I mean head scratching. ::snicker::

  8. This is not only applicable in romantic relationships, but general ones as well. One of the biggest, most valuable lessons I’ve learned so far is ‘you can’t change anyone’ – no matter how hard you try, no matter your motivation- it’s just not gonna happen.

    I too wish that someone would have told me that 3 husbands ago!

  9. I disagree CArRiE. People can and do change with time and experience, and some who weren’t ready for a committed relationship in their 20s get there in their 30s or even 40s, but let’s face it not EVERYONE is fitted for a monogamous relationship, much less to ‘settling down’ young.

    Why try to change someone’s fundamental nature, or pressure men into giving what they can’t? Some people do need more than one meaningful relationship in their lives – sometimes simultaneously – and that’s the way they are. I was like that when I was young, and being a woman it was easy enough to deal with because the men in my life didn’t try to change me.

    Women seem to have this ‘ownership’ thing drummed into them as an always desirable ideal – but it’s just that, an ideal: real life is not always like that; and we of all people should know that some people’s charts make that clear enough. Pressurising men into commitment just encourages them to lie to you.

    Sure a man starts seeing a woman because he likes her company and likes having sex with her – he’s not setting out necessarily for anything long term; but if it’s good that might happen. We can’t go back to the 1950s when a man had to get married to have sex with a woman he liked! If a man is serious, he’ll tell you soon enough – putting him on the spot isn’t going to help, it;s not going to hurry things up and it might well bring things to a premature halt.

    Personally I’d only get mad if a man kept saying he was committed and saw a joint future with me, then didn’t act on it, because he’d been dishonest with me – the actor did that to me and I never forgave him; it wasn’t even necessary. I WAS ready to commit at that point – I was 30 and madly in love – and that hadn’t been easy for me either, after 12 years of total freedom. End of story!

    Likewise I assume there will be other women in a man’s life unless we make an express decision otherwise (ie, marriage in my case). It’s only ‘cheating’ if you lie about it. Meanwhile, I don’t assume that any man who doesn’t want to marry me has no ‘serious and authentic interest in me’ – I know they do, that’s why they enjoy my company, and in many ways rely on me, including emotionally. Just because marriage isn’t on the cards, doesn’t mean it’s *only* about sex!

  10. I agree, Blessed Place. I just ran into this with the guy I’m dating. He said that he doesn’t want me as just a chew toy, but that school and work commitments are taking up a lot of his time, and that he didn’t want to get into something serious. He also wants to have the freedom to date others, although there’s no one else in the frame at present. We’d been going out for three weeks at that point.

    Well, I don’t own him…but I can surely figure out if he just wants me for the wheeheehee. So, I said, “OK, that’s fine. We’ll date others. But, we’re not having sex anymore. Also, you’d better be okay with potentially losing me.” I made it clear that I’m a hot commodity, and that he can go do what he likes. I’m not going to sit around pining for him.

    He’s still coming back and wanting to spend time. Merc Rx is in my 5th, and I have Venus in Gemini, and Venus/Jupiter in a tight 1-3 deg conj. on my progressed Ascendant. I’m gonna do me, and he can be sorry later. 😛

  11. My dear mother always told me that “Men give love for sex and women give sex for love.” As a Sun, Ascendant, Venus, Neptune and Mercury in Scorpio (all but Merc in the 12th)I found it difficult to grasp this. I’ve been much more successful getting my own daughters to understand.

  12. It’s fortyfive years since I had first has sex. I’ve had all kinds of sexual relationships in that time, from one night stands to totally committed (marriage), and just about every nuance in between. Many have gone on for years, at more or less intensity depending on the way we feel about one another. Very rarely have they been ‘exclusive’. It’s this weird notion – weird to me anyway – that as soon as you start having sex with someone you have to define the relationship and start setting boundaries that I can’t understand. Three weeks, jeez! – that’s hardly hello to me.

    I think it’s where so many male/female exchanges get fucked up. Women get so uptight about it – in part I suspect because they are constantly told they should! – and men immediately start feeling trapped and coerced. It’s not the only way to be.

    I’m a free agent, I’m my own person, and I don’t want anyone telling me what I can and can’t do with my time or my body – and I’m not going to start doing that to a man just because sex is part of our relationship. I can understand btw expecting and demanding total committment if children are part of the picture, but in many circumstances they aren’t.

  13. Yes! But it doesn’t seem likely to happen again.

    This not entirely due to experiences but was nailed down thanks being explained me guy speak, as Elsa does here. I was once quite prone to loose interpretations of what I heard. I blame Neptune lol.

    I’m happy to see Elsa spelling this out because “men speak” is very different then “lady speak” and too many women are not aware of this: men mean what they say, not to imply that women dont mean what they say, it is usually more open ended.

  14. This is not only true about guys, but women too. Especially with the statements: “only want to be friends, is not ready for commitment, is not yet over a past relationship…”

    Some women imply this stuff too, but usually word it differently. This was a lesson I learned growing up around the age of 14… as i got older I started to see that it does hold true.

    The funny part about it is that the Mars thing is dead on. I’ve study some of the guys’s in my life and their charts. From finding out their Mars Signs, I was able to know what to expect when they got romantic with a girl they just met or if they were trying to get with me instead.

    I’m currently dealing with a Cancer who has a Capricorn Mars and let me tell you, his Mars rings true to what it says. Then the prior guy I was dealing with, a Pisces w/ a Taurus Mars, which was very interesting: “Men with this placement have a tendency to want their women to feel obligated to them; they therefore aim to please and also often aim to procreate.”

    More on Mars in Taurus: “Though your wants at first glance may seem unromantic, you are not asking for something you are not willing to give yourself. You may very well enjoy expressing your love by giving gifts, making things, or doing practical things for your loved ones. You are also probably physical in your romantic expression. You undoubtedly like to give .. and get.. hugs, kisses, and cuddles in addition to sex itself. You would be happiest with a mate who has Venus in an earth sign, Venus in the 2nd house, or Venus sextile your Mars.”

    Then lastly, I’ve dealt with a Gemini that has a Cancer Mars. He is an interesting fellow and his mars also rings true to how he has always been with me for the last 8-9 years of my life: “Mars in Cancer men have many appealing qualities, not the least of which is the fact that they like women and are protective and solicitous of them. They make marvellous friends, and if you are willing to settle for cuddles, instead of fireworks when you are in their disinclined stage, they can be quite capable of meeting your needs.”

    More on Mars in Cancer: “You want an emotional mate who likes to touch and be touched. Chances are good you also want a family. You can be a clinging vine and smother your lover if you are not careful. Your intentions are good… you want to protect, provide for, and take care of him/her so that his/her every need will be fulfilled. You therefore do best with a mate who’s a wee bit dependent, someone who wants a strong person who can advise and help him/her when needed. In general, this rules out anyone whose overall chart shows a strong Aries (dependant this person would NOT be).”

  15. omg, that Mars in Cancer makes me want to run screaming…lol. Suffice it to say I have strong Mars.

    Just substitute the appealing qualities for appalling and you’ve got how I read it.

  16. I think that Mars in Cancer description is pretty true of me! That piece (it’s from Paranormal Forums btw) also says:
    “Mars in Cancer tends to have a somewhat uneven or erratic sexual quality. People with this placement can go for lengthy periods when they have little or no interest in sex. These periods are interspersed with other periods of extremely sensuous, amorous, and occasionally even promiscuous behaviour… Mars in Cancer women often have some difficulty deciding whether they want to be Earth Mother or Lolita…. and sometimes take turns playing both roles”

    That’s true of me too I guess!

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