“There is a point every woman comes to eventually,” I told a friend. “It’s when you look in the mirror and you know you’re not going to be able to rely on whatever it is you’ve been relying on. You’ve got your game down and let’s say your looks have something to do with it because they probably do. But then you look in the mirror and your breasts droop, something droops. It’s right in that moment you have to decide what you’re going to do to. It’s a point of reckoning, usually early 30’s…”
My friend was familiar with this.
“You realize you’d better develop in other areas, or you don’t. Some start chasing youth at this point. They start up with the surgeries and other age-defying things they sell to women in this crisis. I personally decided to become more than I had ever been before so I’d never have to worry about aging. I knew I could be old and still be desirable by making sure I had character and a myriad of other things to offer. I made an effort and it’s worked out okay.”
Have you had your day in the mirror yet? How did you react?
Well, I was pretty damn mad when I started getting gray hair. 🙂 But in general, my looks didn’t get squat for me most of my life. I get more positive attention on my appearance now than I ever did in my thirties. I don’t mind it, but I don’t take it too seriously, either. I’m only really interested in the man who has loved me FOR me, throughout.
With Saturn in the first house with my Mercury, I think about this every day! Part of me is philosophical about it “what will be will be and if they are not attracted to me…there will be someone who is somewhere!”. But other days, I feel more unattractive than I ever have been due to age and I have tried to stop the clock with sunscreen, good nutrition and excercise up until a year ago. Then I gave up. But with Uranus in Aries in my 5th..I am feeling a little more determined and vigorous to change my lethargy and self-punishment into something positive. And it’s not really for the “other” who ever they may be…this time it’s for me!
I have. A part of me is chasing what can help me to look ‘okay’ as long as possible, but the other part of me is disgusted with that part. I’ve always had a certain amount of character, I just didn’t have so much confidence, and it bothered me that as my confidence was finally building in all ways, age was threatening to chip away at the confidence in myself physically. It bothered me that I hadn’t appreciated myself more, both inside and out. I looked great, and couldn’t believe that I’d worried so much about being 117lbs at the age of seventeen (not that I really dieted), when I felt better about myself over 130lbs and over thirty.
I’d never used my looks to get anything, because I didn’t see my own attractiveness.
I am really satisfied with my body at this point. I’m more comfortable in my skin now that I was as a teenager. I have looked in the mirror at times and felt gross when I was younger. Now, I’m like..hey..I’ve weathered alright 🙂
course..that answer could change in a few years..lol
I lost 50 or 60 lbs right around my Saturn return time – so I was 29, maybe? My full, beautiful, perky boobs got less full, normal size, and they sagged. Not horribly, but they definitely sagged noticeably to me. (Yes, I have Venus in Cancer, why do you ask?)
Shockingly, the world did not end! *grin*
I decided the extra weight wasn’t worth the amazing tits, and that having average tits was pretty OK by me.
That being said – I’ve never relied on my looks. I’m the smart one, not the pretty one 😛
Oh – a couple years before this? I found out I had an autoimmune thyroid disease, and it sent my brain into a fog for a few months. So I had to get around with out my not-so-secret weapon for a while, too.
*chuckle*
Beauty is fleeting, I’ve always known it. I’m ok with it.
I’ve always thought women should look good for their age, not a younger age than they are.
Everyone ages, so “hotness” really becomes less of a thing, for men and women. A friend of mine tried online dating at 55, and met a man in his mid 60’s. At then end, he suavely asked her if she was physically attracted to him. She told me she shrugged her shoulders, looked at his bald head, wrinkled face and older body and said “I’m generally more attracted to someone’s personality at this point in my life” and added to me “Who does he think he is? George Clooney I could be attracted to. He looks like a plucked chicken- at this point it has to be something else.’
She’s a Sadge, and we had a good chuckle.
With Leo asc. and Virgo Saturn in the 1st, my day in the mirror is every day. When I was young, I made peace with the fact that I am “average” looking. At the same time, I do worry about my attractiveness. I’ve watched every crease grow in my face. I’ve wondered about the tug-o-war of good genes (my mom looks pretty good for the life she’s lived and the health she’s in) vs. bad (for skin) medications.
Some of the problem is I don’t feel like I’m doing the best I can for my looks. If I felt like I was, and it wasn’t making any spectacular differences, I could make peace with it. But I think I’m coming to a point where I need to assign a value to this, and act accordingly.
OMG, Yes! I’ve always looked older than my age – my hands looked old when I was a teenager. I like to tell myself it’s because I have lived many lives before. My brother, who is two years older, started turning salt and pepper when he was 30. He’s gorgeous now and people compare him to George Clooney – How come aging looks so much better on men?!
I noticed the other day when I was leaning sideways in the mirror that my skin sagged a lot (no joke) underneath my eyes. I’m actually having surgery on my eyelids on this coming Monday – when I’m extremely tired or stressed, they hang on my eyelashes. I look like I should be in my 50’s but I’m only 41. What pushes that point is that my bf was born on the same day as me and he has NO wrinkles – and he has been really rough on his body. I’ve always believed that I wasn’t all that vain… I’m re-thinking that now (Leo Sun).
Good thing is, I have ALWAYS worked on improving myself mentally and otherwise. I’ve always known that my looks would fade and have never depended on them to find a mate. I can paint a portrait, swing a hammer and hold my own in a thoughtful debate – age can’t take that from me (except for maybe swinging a hammer…)
Yep! I love it. So true!
I had thought when I was about 19. Then again at 28. I think the saturn returns really notch this up until you have to get over the fact that the beauty contest was years ago so there’s no point in that type of competition.
Although I have to say that it’s the women who seem more judgmental than the men. On job interviews I know I’ve lost out because I wasn’t pretty enough or charming or didn’t look enough like them. with men it’s always been different. Am I smart? Can I do the job? Am I honest and will I do what I say I’m going to do?
I experienced that moment of reckoning about the same time Saturn entered Libra 18 months or so ago. I honestly think I’m more attractive and sexier in my mid-40s than I ever was in my 30s. I still receive compliments on my looks/style from strangers but my favourite compliment is when my husband laughs himself sick over something I’ve said.
My mirror moment came in my late teens, realizing that yes, other people, especially men, actually liked my looks. That was a shocker really, since in my family, women certainly were encouraged to count on other assets. Nothing to do with the feminism, just the rural culture, where one had to be very capable to survive, man or woman, and the brand of Pietist revival traditionally strong in the area. It took me years to learn to live with the the attention, I went years if not neglecting my looks, going to a less obviously attractive direction (wearing shorter hair, jeans and trainers rather than long hair, skirt and heels I liked in my late teens…).
I’m 35 and have just come to this realization over the past year. I always knew the day would come, now I know it’s here. I became a mother at the same time, which has helped tremendously. My definition of being a woman now is very different, with being beautiful and sexy (in a lusty kind of way) lower on the list and with being nurturing, confident, protective, capable, and interesting higher on the list of priorities. Don’t get me wrong, I still love men and being desirable, but my definition of what that means has evolved.
Being 29 I have realised, that I can’t be bothered any more about “who is the fairest in the land”. Once I gave that up, I have never felt more attractive and actually feeling happier about myself more than ever.
I’m staring 48 down… One month from now, it will happen and I have to say that I don’t really care that I’m getting older… I’m more comfortable with myself now than I’ve ever been…
I’m fond of telling younger women who have an attitude: What I lack in skin tone, I more than make up for in experience…
I’ll be turning 40 this year and people tell me i look like a teenager. This just ISN’T a compliment to me. I have the body and the face of a teen….maybe a few smokers wrinkles under the eyes. I’d LOVE to look more womanly.
My genes seem to favor me now at 37, more than at 17 or 27. I was ***VERY*** awkward and rejected in middle school, and that self concept lasted through my teen years, while I was pretty, and weighed less than I do now, my baby fat gave me a rounder face. I think my age actually looks better on me now. In my 20’s my weight and self-attention varied, and because of my past, I often camoflauged with baggy clothes or no makeup because men’s attention made me kind of scared and uncomfortable. Again, I think I am better off now.
Big caveat, when my engagement broke off at 35, I had a real crisis for a couple of months, and definitely was in a panic zone about my age/ looks. Unfounded worries. 🙂
Yup. Leo Ascendant conjunct Moon, and Venus/Pluto in 1st house in Virgo. Now 52 years old. I’ve enjoyed not getting too much attention when out and about, and being able to just observe for the most part. But that looking in the mirror part isn’t easy. Takes a long time to get ready to go anywhere! But there are some long-standing self-esteem issues that will need work. I keep looking for role models of women who look(ed) their age but still fabulous – Audrey Hepburn comes to mind. I do believe it comes from inside, and from feeling healthy and fit.
I made my peace with my appearance when I was 19, the age my bulimia ended. Sure I don’t like my lady beard (which started growing when I was twenty-frigging-one), but I have watched my narcissistic mother drive herself round a bend over her looks and that is a giant snore! She’s really awesome for vitamin info and stuff like that.
I have good genes, both physical and mental. I’m going to be grateful for both.
And personally I think it’s worth it just to be alive:)
that is good to be grateful. it’s weird but I think when you’re young that’s when the worst self esteem issues are evident. Eating disorders especially. I was reading an article on the tragedy of Karen Carpenter, and her disorder was because she needed love. I think this is the crux of eating disorders and self esteem. Aging doesn’t really bother me, it is just more annoying because i’m slower.
@h. That is beautiful
thanks Bluestar:) it is the one (?) benefit of having a narcissistic parent, “how not to waste time” LOL
The vitamin thing is funny. My sister and I were joking about it this weekend, how she does so much research into vitamins and supplements and dietary stuff that keeps you healthy. That really isn’t a bad thing. She gets freaked out if we aren’t taking vitamins, so we just smile and say thanks as she hands them over to us. Because vitamins are freaking expensive!
Seriously though–I have thought about this a lot, how I want to have peace with my body and appearance. I’m 33 and I have some older women friends (in their 40s) and they say–oh you just wait–but I am determined to like myself. I could go on and on (and on) about this so I will button it!
Well, I started out nerdy and not considered attractive by most people, so uh… what’s the difference, I guess?
I’ve been spent years developing myself and substance oozes out of every pore of my body :-). Still doesn’t get me a relationship. Reality (Saturn) about relationships (Libra) at my age (Saturn) in life – men aren’t attracted to 10 lbs of menopausal belly fat and laugh lines no matter how happy I am with myself or how beautiful I am on the inside. Its not the end of the world cause at least I’m having a heck of good time in life! But a reality check (Saturn) on what I can expect.
Thanks Jeanne. Someone Had to say it.
when i was younger i was very envious of older women….i remember seeing a woman on a train once that must have been 50+, she looked so classy and intelligent….and without her wrinkles, she just wouldn’t have had that aura
it’s wisdom, experience, and developed interests blended with aged beauty that made me once envy older women….ditto for men on this topic…i prefer a mature face and intelligence born of years …maybe my saturn venus
l’ve seen so many beautiful older women, l just hope to age like that. For me it’s all in the way you cary yourself and the beauty comes from within! What you radiate…
I never had the beauty part to begin with so I come at this from a different angle. I do know women who have been looks focused all their lives and it’s extremely painful for them, extremely. Still even for me it’s a shock – grey hair and age spots for example. More the aging that’s the shock. Being/feeling unattractive is not a shock. I’ve always been “known” for other things LOL
Thinking abt this further – I also realize my role model(s) for attractiveness is more Iggy Pop than any woman I can think of. Something more androgynous maybe- not flirty and femmy but darker.
Pretty is as pretty does. That’s something my mom always stressed. It doesn’t matter how much time and effort you put into making yourself look good on the outside, if you’re rotten to the core.
I was always mistaken for at least a decade younger than my actual age in my 20’s and 30’s… So, my moment in the mirror was realizing that finally my looks caught up with me! I actually like it. I’m taken more ‘seriously’ by people instead of being dismissed with a pat on the head.
Next week I turn 49. I love my age and will be celebrating! 😉
Nope. This will never happen to me. I know that sounds unbelievable…. but… My Mother is reaching 50 and my Dad reaching 60 and they both are youthful. As for me, I’ll be 24 and the other day I was let onto the train because “under 14s” are free.
However, I have curbed my drinking, I’ve never been a smoker, but I am curbing the drinking – because I know that this is NOT good for me – and will contribute to unwanted age effects!
Great post 🙂
I’ve made a conscious choice to stop dieting and stop the pursuit of weight loss. I’ve stayed at the same body shape/weight for about 5 years now, and I figured this is what my body is comfortable in. I look fine… It’s just that I have always had a problem with my wide waist (I’ve had it since I was 16). I make an effort to console myself that no woman is better or worse than me… I just am and they are just being!
I maintain a healthy diet, moderate exercise, and I just enjoy/live life to the fullest. I also find dressing for my body type, colouring and personality boosts the self-esteem up significantly. I figured that if I cannot make waves in my life, at the very least I have to change the way I feel about me. Make ME feel good – because in the end, you will be living with yourself and you damn well better be comfortable with YOU… aging or not.
… oh and I am at that “early 30’s” stage Satori referred to. If you look within and listen to the people you care about and love, you will believe that you truly are beautiful 🙂
sometimes people get better looking as they get older… I do think it’s worth the effort to stay in shape, eat well and you can look very good if you want to at any age. a lot of times the way people respond to us reflects the way we feel about ourselves. there are much better ways to de-age than plastic surgery, all kinds of natural ways to rejuvenate if you search a little bit.
I think men always age better than women. I think I was more about my looks and staying stick-skinny when I was really young, I would starve myself then gorge after a couple of days. I wasn’t bulimic –never threw up or never was aneroxic but that’s how I dieted, didn’t eat but drink all day and 2 days later I would get dizzy and eat like a pig or a horse. I thought that if I looked skinny and pretty people would just like me. what a terrible self esteem. smh lol now that i’m older I don’t care as much except that I can eat what I want and get chubby but still remain conscience not to overeat. lol I feel happier. I can go out and eat that double cheeseburger and not feel bad. or a big juicy steak. as for surgery I only thought of it when I was in my twenties, to get bigger boobs. now I just eat and I already have that 😀 teehee. I am not dissatisfied with my face.
Virginia I agree, and thinking more on your comment–when you tend to your body and treat it with love, it shows on the outside. Self-care is important for self-esteem. I say this as a 1st House Moon–I had to learn to love my body and I try really hard not to abuse it. Moderation and balance is the body’s friend.
Actually, I think it’s the mirror. Just came back from the ladies room at my company – sheesh, could they make the lighting any worse?! Every day I dress up for work and the first trip to the ladies room makes me think, “What the hell-?” It ain’t the aging, it’s the lighting. 😉
Lmao I know right?????
@Les: I experience that all the time!
What a shame that people place so much emphasis on physical attractiveness when dating older people. I gave up looks a long time ago for personality and have been blessed beyond expectation. If I tried chasing pretty people I would be rejected every time. Dating people who are more gifted intellectually and spiritually leads to more fulfilling romances and they appreciate my looks all the more. I am always shocked how shallow people can be about something you often have no way of controlling physically in spite of a very wonderful psychological makeup!
I never relied solely on my looks so I feel really good about holding my own especially as I age. At the same time, I have Venus and Sun in Libra in the 12th so I am pretty clueless regarding my attractiveness. That said, I am vain and refuse to let myself go physically or mentally–thank you Libra sun.
I have Libra rising! 🙂 I believe the most important thing is aging gracefully. The secret is to love yourself. I am 62. Everyone thinks I am in my 40’s. At my nephew’s wedding last summer, I was asked if I was his younger sister!!!!! He is 24. I have always treated myself like a work of art. Since my 30’s I have practiced daily yoga, daily vitamins and bubble baths. My attitude is gratitude. It works. I smile, smile, smile. Yes, there have been physical changes. I was a Playboy bunny at 24. I am not a hot girl anymore. I am growing and glowing. It’s all a matter of attitude.
I’m been focused on eating and grounding for the past 18 months and have put on weight that everyone around me loves. I like it too because I was not interested in being skinny when i’m older. I find it ironic when new people in my life still think i’m skinny when i think i’m average now.
But I have noticed the grey and am ok with it.. and am using more makeup regularly and a cleanser. I’m also wearing dresses.
But I see all of this as a maturation thing as I too ignored my looks and preferred to hide.. now it’s part of the package. Leo on the 10th. I have to be shiny in life.
What i’ve noticed the most is looking haggard when I think I look fine. THAT catches me offguard.
I think humour is most attractive so I strive to keep that alive. 🙂
I’m okay. I’m just now starting to look my age, for most of my life I looked younger.
When you hit your mid forties you sort of become invisible. I thought this would be a relief but at first it stung, then I realized how freeing it was. No one was watching me…
I am 51, and a few months ago a lady at work was shocked to hear how old I was — several people thought I was in my late thirties. There are a few wrinkles on my face now, and menopause has brought a redistribution of body fat which results in my never being naked in front of a full-length mirror. I’ve never been known for looks, but with Venus in Libra sextile ascendant do like to get dolled up… there’s no occasions for that lately, but progressed moon in Taurus has meant a renewed interest in looking as good as possible.
I’m still getting used to the changes in my face and body, and considering how to make the most of the outer me.
Once a woman’s total value, worth and “currency” in society stops being linked to her youthful appearance, discussions like these will less important. I am guessing that men don’t have discussions like these because their “value” in society is linked to the size of their wallet.
Yeeeeeuuupppp
My ruling sign (Venus) squares Saturn and exactly trines Pluto. While I care about beauty and fashion, I focused on accomplishments and did not worry about any loss of attractiveness until my 60th birthday a year and a half ago. I noticed that my sense of attractiveness is more related to stress than to actual aging. There is just so much more work now with career and family than there was in my 20s. However, when I’m relaxed, the whole world seems to be smiling back! Beauty really is a glow, not an age!
Nice article, I was my happiest after the first Saturn return, about 29-30. Throughout those 80s, I enjoyed some deep, meaningful relations, and established a spiritual path. However, when 40 came,ee my daughter passed, and so did bf of 15 years, and although I struggled, I began going downhill. I felt old for my age, and as mourning wasn’t interested in men for a long time. When I did get interested again, in mid-50s, seemed I couldn’t meet any I felt really suitable to stick with. Then depression set in, and health problems, now at 64 I’m struggling surviving Lung Cancer, and my dream now, is even though I’m not rich, I’d like to retire overseas, and start anew.
I did have that crisis at my first Saturn return. I realized the importance of good skincare and have been diligent ever since. I have had other crises too. Especially around 34-35. But I’m letting go of idealizing youth and wearing my age proudly. I profoundly appreciate the wisdom and sense of humor aging has brought me and that lends an attractiveness I didn’t have before when I was young and insecure. I have college-aged daughters now and many people don’t believe it. They think we’re siblings. My girls are tired of hearing it! ??
I hope to age gracefully like Helen Mirren but I’ll be happy to make it to my Uranus return to see my many awesome great-grandchildren and all their quirks and accomplishments. Growing old is a gift. ?
I’m 48 now and it recently occured to me that facially things are only going to get worse, so I’m going for the mature, maternal carer style. It’s paying off and is certainly in need in our town. So many people admire and need a mature woman in their circle for the need of the group. We can bring experience, calm and reliability. We still have to fight I can see and we don’t have youthful looks to rely on, but glamourous we can be, fighting with grace and style. (yes, stellium in libra and aries) I’ve lost weight since spending time in hospital with my son’s leukhemia which meant I’ve had to re-equip my wardrobe. I bought some smart stuff, both for casual and special occasions. There’s a gap in the social scene for mature women – supporting youth, and many others in need. I’m working on filling that gap in in and including the whole family. There’s cakes to bake, meetings to attend, chucrch and youth to support in popular events and whilst I may be more mature now, our smiles, love and care are constantly needed. I currently have pluto bang-on my natal merc so I think this is on of those deep transformation times and I’m not backing away.
This is brilliant. Hugs to you!!
Trust in who you are not how you imagine others to perceive you bank in, you’ve got more as you grow older to bring to the game, if you feel like playing, the magic comes from what you see at the edge of those eye lashes, s, easy peasy
I’ve never relied on my looks. I’ve been chubby since I was six years old. (Personally I think I was cute, but all everybody saw was the fat).
I have never been afraid of aging beauty-wise (I’m afraid of time passing and not having done anything fulfilling). In fact, I’ve always had a feeling that my old age is going to be the best period of my life. Once the first signs of aging start to appear I will embrace them. It’ll be time to be old. There’s a time to be young and a time to be old. Mixing them up will only result in unhappiness.
I agree with the person who said that it’s useless to worry about “who is the fairest of the land”. Even if for a moment you are the most beautiful, somebody else will always come and take your place. It’s the most ancient fable. Be content with being in love with someone who sees you as the most beautiful and who you see as the most beautiful.
In fact, I kind of see my youth as an obstacle to exploit all my other abilities. Because of my age and my sex, I am expected to look and behave a certain way in order to please men, and even if I show my other talents no one cares. All they see is a woman who doesn’t know how to diet, do her make up or dress properly. Once no one cares about my looks due to my age, I’ll express myself more freely.
In love with somebody who sees you as the most beautiful and who sees you as the most beautiful? Nice work if you can get it, unfortunately not everyone finds it.
*and you see as the most beautiful.
I haven’t found someone either. I don’t know if I ever will.
I hope you do.
There’s nothing shallow about plastic surgery if it helps you get your most basic primal needs met. As a woman it doesn’t matter how much you develop your character if you also have a turbocharged libido that only seems to strengthen with age and ache for affection but can’t get it easily due to changes in your body and face. The best way for an unattached woman to get those needs met is still to look as good as possible for as long as possible and men I’ve asked have confirmed this.
Extreme and excessive procedures? No. Good, subtle work along with a healthy diet and exercise? Yes.
Im a fan of cosmetic surgery. I dont judge. Im talking about crepey eyes and a bit of a saggy jowl. Not the full monty. All the British actresses Ive seen at a certain age have tight jawlines and bangs. Thats not a coincidence
And you know what? They look natural and great. Wrinkles around the eyes and all.